Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

Tampex has announced they are replacing the string on their products with tinsel.

For the Christmas period.

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.

I have to make every second Count.

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Just saw a clever new product to treat diarrhea...

No-Shit Sure-Lock

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Land O Lakes just came out with a new product line

I was hoping for something butter, but there's only a margarinal difference

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

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It's not easy being a pill tester at the Viagra production facility...

The workers are always hard at work.

Goodwill has announced they will no longer accept donations of vape or tobacco products

Clothes, but no cigar.

Apple just came out with its latest product that disgusted everyone.

The I-cup.

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

I’ve officially decided to boycott all Chinese products

Sent from my iPhone

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

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Recently, a woman was knocking on my door asking me if I was interested in her product.

She told me this: “I am the representative from the carpet cleaning company down the street and we were wondering if you were interested in one of our products.” I looked at her and saw the LGBTQ+ button on her shoulder. “Sure. What is it called?” “The Carpet Muncher.”

I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satisfactory.

‘Whaling is the hunting of whales for their usable products such as meat and blubber.’

\[ CETACEAN NEEDED \]

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly t...

What did the tickle me elmo get when he left the production line?

Two test tickles.

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

What's extremely clingy but will never attach to feminine products?

incellophane!

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My girlfriend said that having sex all day isn’t productive.

And I said no, but it is reproductive.

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

My new girlfriend told me she doesn’t eat dairy products.

I said “No whey!”

Why don't Antivaxxers buy Panasonic products?

Because without a son it's just Panic

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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

What do you call an absurd comedic production that won’t end?

An unstoppable farce.

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

What is Thanos' favorite dairy product?

Half and Half

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

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My boss called me into his office..

... to complain that I was testing the company's products on animals.

I said "Shampoo companies do it all the time."

He said, "Yes, but we make dildoes"

Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

Talking about a one-dimensional space isn't always productive

But it's usually not pointless

Product testing

Manager : Guys we need to stop testing on animals
Supervisor : But Shampoo companies have been doing it for years
Manager : Yeah, but we make hydraulic presses.

Damn girl are you an apple product?

Because you’re expensive and useless

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

I'm boycotting apple products.

Because they're taking away work from all those doctors.

The Apple iCar production has stalled

There’s been a lack of Jobs

Apple needs to come up with a new creative naming scheme for their products...

You know what iMean?

A pharmaceutical company specializing in nature-based products …

… was investigating reports that the bark of the Ningwood tree had the potential to help men with urinary incontinence. They tried different doses and found that the highest levels did result in some relief. In a press release about the trials they noted that more Ningwood makes it hard to pee.

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NSFW I got a blowjob today,

They where hiring product testers at the balloon factory.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

when the cops raided the warehouse, the crack dealers were fast asleep while production was going on

this was a case of a rested development.

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Screw

A man, tired after a long day's work, walks into a bar. He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it co...

Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.

You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.

Amazon

Has anyone noticed before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the "Kindle"?

Why does Eric Clapton only buy apple products

Because his son had a bad experience with windows

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

You know why deaf people don't buy new products?

They've never heard of them

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My buddy started an amputee porn production company.

He calls it XYX.

I am proud to say that I endorse podiums...

...finally, a product I can stand behind.

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

What is Pavlov's favorite hair product?

Conditioner

Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?

Yes. It’s a global conspiracy.

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

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I figured out Trump is actually a communist

When he said "grab them by the pussy" that's the head of state seizing the means of production.

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

A poor farmer is being asked about his career by a fast talking interviewer

Interviewer: So, What kind of grain do you grow here? Are you getting by financially with such low production?

Farmer: Barley

Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts

That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s furniture Emporium.

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

Why do apple products bend so easily?

Because they're made for flexing.

Apple is developing a product—invented by Bart Simpson—that cleans your vehicle.

The iCaroomba

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What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

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A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

Did you hear about that girl who keeps emailing nudes into the Black Mirror production office?

...well they 'bandersnatch'

When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends

"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

My company makes parachutes for skydivers

We offer free refund for defective products but it seems like our customers are very generous about small mistakes.

Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

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The King of all the gorillas was having a yard sale

The king of all the gorillas, mister Kong, was having a yard sale. He decided to sell his items collected over the years of roaming in the forests. He had been lowering his sale prices over the course of the day as fewer and fewer people were coming by.

Finally, one passer by came to buy his...

What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on?

Lotion

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So I just got canned from my new job

And it's total bullshit. I was always productive and never came in late, never missed a day. I got along well with my manager Skullcrusher, who told me he liked my initiative. Myself along with 2 of my other coworkers, Bloodstorm and Boneshredder, just brought in a big client only 2 weeks ago and it...

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a celestial Greek dairy product?

Apollo cheese for the punchline.

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Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am ...

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

Three graduates are stood in McDonalds.

The economics graduate asks how the business became so successful and made so much money?

The engineering graduate asks how the kitchens were built to maximise production efficiency.

The fine arts graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?".

I waste so much time trying to strangle myself for pleasure when I should be being productive

I wish I'd never got into autoerotic procrastination.

Hey Captain Kirk, who's your most productive officer?

That would be Pavel - any task I give him, he'll quickly Chekov.

Cigars are most ecological product in world.

It kills pollution directly from source.

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