Toll Jokes - 56 Hilarious Toll Jokes

The Amish man and the Toll Booth (as told by Myron Cohen)

An Amish man is driving his horse-drawn cart when he gets to a toll road. The toll keeper says "That will be $10 please."

The Amish man says, "I thought that was only for motor vehicles."

"No," says the toll keeper. "All vehicles, no exceptions."

So the Amish...

There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and...

A death toll too high to imagine

On September 29th 2006 President George W. Bush receives a briefing from one of his staff

"Mr. President, we've just received reports of a commercial plane crash in south America, 154 Brazilian people died."

"Oh my God, that's terrible..." The president replies solemnly, thinking quiet...

What did the man say that hated a very specific circular coral reef that had water in its center?

"I don't like this atoll."

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

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For whom the bell tolls

Once upon a time there was a village church who's bell ringer had suddenly passed away. The Preacher put a notice needing a new bell ringer, in the village square. A day or so later, an *arm less* man shows up about the job. The Preacher, not wanting to be unkind, but concerned nonetheless, asked ho...

Did you hear about the new toll for tying shoes?

It's knot fare

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Time takes it's toll

So, I was sitting in the waiting-rom at my new dentist. While looking at the diplomas on the wall I noticed his name was familiar. Could he be the same John Andersen I went High school with at Riverside, back in "78? I used to have such a crush on him. He was the cutest. Tall, dark, charming and fun...

I went through the Lincoln tunnel today and I gotta say, I’m not ok with the name of where you pay your toll…

…The “John Wilkes booth”?!?!

If you go through a toll in Death Valley...

Can it be called a death toll?

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50

Most of the survivors found were in the closet.

Have I told you lately...

...is the least romantic line a toll-collector ever said to his girlfriend.

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't f...

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

If death could collect taxes, what would it be called?

The death toll.

Toll Joke my buddy made up.

A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says " Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. " the young ne...

I've lived on Mars for years

However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health

My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection!

At least I was able to turn on a dime.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

The Amish Man at the Tollbooth

An Amish man was going along in his horse-drawn buggy when he arrived at a tollbooth. The tollbooth operator said it would be $5 to proceed. The Amish man said he thought that only applied to cars, and the operator explained that in fact, it applied to all vehicles.

So the man turned ...

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

It’s very sad that Prince Philip died, but there are some upsides.

For example, since he passed the UK road toll has dropped by 50%.

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A new harbour master...

A new harbour master decided to send a toll man to a Russian ship and he told him "Be sure to be thorough they usually hide a lot of vodka"

Amazingly the toll man didn't find anything. But 5 days later the ship still hadn't moved so he called the captain to see what the problem was.

"W...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

How do you escape from a Jewish Cop?

You take the toll road.

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

Perfectly spell-checked poem

- I have a spelling checker.
- It came with my PC,
- It plainly marks four my revue,
- Mistakes I cannot sea.
- I've run this poem threw it,
- I'm sure your pleased to no,
- Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
- My checker tolled me sew...

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit

After the cannon was delivered, they realized that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.

Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day...

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reach...

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A doctor went to a village inhabited by only men.

A young doctor went to an isolated village to provide medical assistance to its villagers which were composed only by men. One day the people tolled the doctor that if he ever felt the need for sexual relief that he'd need to go and stand in-line near the river and wait he's turn.

The next da...

A man walks into the doctor's office...

Doctor: "Thanks for meeting with me, James. I've run some tests and it's not looking good."

James: "Oh."

Doctor: "You're on a path of self-destruction. The constant alcohol and tobacco abuse has taken a serious toll on your health. You *need* to cut back or your lifespan will be greatl...

Why was the sacajawea coin made?

because the Trail Of Tears had a toll booth.

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

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The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.

So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"

The American points out of the ...

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I tried reading Einstein's original paper on special relativity.

Night after night for 6 months I tried to understand it. I tried everything. I looked through previous publications to understand the knowledge at the time. I tried to work through some problems and I thought about the theories in novel ways to try to get an intuitive grasp or even any at all. It pr...

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Problems only a child could solve.

A young boy wakes his mother up in the middle of the night asking his mother for Viagra.

The mother freaks out and asks her child why he needs Viagra.

The boy explains that he is having trouble pooping.

The mother, still confused asks why he would think Viagra would help him poo...

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Two men are standing a heavens gate...

.. The queue is moving slow and they get talking to one another.

"So how did you wind up here?", the first man asks the second.

The second man sighs and says, "I froze to death."

"Did it hurt? “ asked the first.

" Not really. You get cold, then sleepy, then just drift o...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

So a man owns a pet giraffe...

...and one day decides that he is peckish. So he goes down to his local McDonalds, giraffe in tow. He decides that he will have a hamburger; he buys one for the giraffe too. Then decides he's still hungry, so he has some fries. Again, the giraffe gets the same. The man then decides he is thirsty, an...

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Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."

A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

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An older couple is having trouble with their sex life, and the husband is too embarrassed to speak with a doctor.

The wife decides that she will see if her doctor can help them out, so she makes an appointment.

"What's going on?" the doctor inquires. "I just saw you a few weeks ago and you were in great shape!"

"Oh it's not for me," she tells him. "It's my husband, he's been having trouble becomin...

One wish

Paul is walking on the beach when he founds a metal lamp, he starts to clean it and a Genie appears
- Finally, - says the Genie - 300 years waiting!, Ok human, I can grant you one wish, ask whatever you want, but be aware that my power is limited.
- Ok, let me think for a moment and... Hey! Wh...

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Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces whe...

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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A man moves to Alaska......

A man moves to a small town in a remote part of Alaska, far removed from civilization. One of the first nights he's in town, he hits up the town bar, and the locals tell him to make sure he sticks around, as there'll be plenty of women around at midnight, and the guy's sure to get laid.

Midn...

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So I went to my local butcher shop...

because they make fucking amazing beef jerkey (peppered) and as I leave the shop with my jerky, I noticed a dog sitting in front of the back door to the butcher shop. I didn't think much of it, dogs like meat so he was probably begging. However I noticed that the dog has a brown paper bag with a not...

An ugly man is walking through a forest when he trips on something.

He bends down and pulls a lamp out of the dirt. He rubs the lamp and sure enough, out pops a genie.

"I will grant you one wish for freeing me from the lamp."

"Well, as you can see, I've had trouble meeting women. I'd really like to find a wife and settle down. For my wish, I...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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