After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

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Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

How did the apostles prepare for the Last Supper?

Peter set the table. Paul cooked the food. Jesus swept.

The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet

An American man and a Russian woman prepare for a ravenous night of lovemaking

The Russian woman walked in the bedroom wearing nothing but a bra and panties. As she walked in, the man heard a faint “Hello! Hello!” coming from her nether regions with each step she took. “Where’s that sound coming from?” The man asked with a confused look on his face. The Russian woman smiled an...

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

How do emo bands prepare for their shows?

They self-harmonize.

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

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Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians?

Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

A Hippopotamus is going to University to study and prepare for a career in brain surgery.

He went to the Hippocampus.

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A husband of 50 years dies leaving his widow to prepare for his funeral. [NSFW]

The mortuary attendant calls the widow aside to consult her with an embarrassing problem. He hesitatingly explained that her husband died with an erection and the coffin would not shut. Without pause she told the attendant to cut off the member and stuff it up his anus.

Later during the wake,...

An airplane captain was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

An airplane captain Zouma was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, Zouma showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight.

The next morning as Zouma was preparing the crew for the ...

How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?

he raps his presents

How does an old man prepare for Florence when he's in a pinch?

He grabs his hurry cane and leaves.

At work, they ask us to prepare for projects using an A through Z list. This week, my boss called me into his office.

He told me that he was irritated by preparations A through G. However, he felt as though Preparation H felt good on the hole.

How does a Twitch streamer prepare for a convention?

He pax

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

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A man and a woman are preparing for their romantic evening.

Two very overworked individuals, Richard and Jessica, prepare for their Friday evening date. Richard makes sure he has a clean shave, and Jessica goes to touch up the color in her hair.

Suddenly, to her surprise, she sees that she is out of her hair dye! No matter how hard she looks, she jus...

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

Stepmother

A Man comes home from the hospital.

His wife: "And how is my mum?"

He: "I assume you mom will get out of the hospital soon, and will move to us, to stay with us."

His wife: "What gives you the idea?"

He: "When I talked to the doctor, he told me to prepare for the wors...

Patient: My wisdom tooth hurt very much!

Dentist: well, they did prepare for decades.

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

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Biz trip

American businessman lands in Tokyo, goes to his very fancy hotel to prepare for his meeting with the CEO of the countries largest corporation to be held at japans finest golf course the next day. As he checks in the hotels concierge asks him if he desires company for the evening stating that it’s o...

Except for that one guy.

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for and emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the air hostess if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All ready back here, Captain," came...

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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

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