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What do the Black Eyed Peas and Manchester United have in common?

They both turned to shit when Fergie left

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Where would the black eyed pea's live if they lived in New York?

Will.I.Am sburg

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

This just in vegans and vegetarians can no longer consume anything with beans or peas in it ....

... as they can't eat anything with a pulse.

Whats the difference between a green pea and a chickpea?

I would not pay $500 for a green pea on my face

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

Whats the difference between a pickle and a chick pea

~~I’ve never had a pickle on my chest before~~
The texture

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I’m sexually attracted to mashed chickpeas

I’m a hummussexual

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

What do you call a pie with a can of peas in it?

Pea-can pie.

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What do aliens say before having safe sex with humans?

We cum in peace.

What did John Lennon say to his son when he wouldn’t eat his vegetables?

Give peas a chance!

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

How To Catch a Polar Bear

Step 1: Cut a hole in the ice

Step 2: Open up a can of peas and place it by the hole

Step 3: When the Polar Bear goes to the can to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

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What did the sassy vegetable say?

Bitch, peas!

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

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Alien master-bating in my kitchen

So I walk into my kitchen the other day to find an alien master-bating into a can of vegetables.

I shouted "What in the FUCK are you doing?!"

He turned his head calmly and said "It's all good, I come in peas."

An old Inuit man approached me in a bar and asked if I knew how to catch a polar bear.

First, he continued on, you must trek out onto the ice where the bears frequent. Take your ulu and create a hole in the ice, the rounder the better. Take a bag of peas and set 7 around the hole at even intervals.

Then sit back and wait.

Once a polar bear comes around to take a pea kick...

A man goes to see the doctor.

He has a carrot in his ear, a stick of celery up his nose and mash potato and peas in his hair.

Doctor says "You not eating right."

A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out...

How do you make a blueberry?

You strangle a pea.

Guide to trapping an elephant.

Start by digging a hole about 10 meters deep, and 5 meters in diameter.

Then, light a fire down in the center of the pit, a really big fire. Let the fire burn down to just the ashes, and leave it.

Place a pea 1 inch apart from one another, around the entire hole.

So, when the el...

A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"

The man replied, "Five".

The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".

The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Y...

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