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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes.

What do you call a group of musical peas?

An iPod

What do you have if you have two little green peas in your hand?

Kermits undivided attention

What’s the difference between blue whales and green peas?

A leprechaun doesn’t get offended if you ask him if his whale’s blue.

What's the difference between a chick pea and a mung bean?

I've never paid to have a mung bean on my face

If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea."

My family don't like me

What did the Black Eyed Peas say when they were at their friends house?

Ima pee ima pee ima ima ima pee

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

How to catch a polar bear: Dig a big hole out in the ice and place little green peas all around it...

And when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

I was in court today and there was a lady with her husband

The lady was getting trialed for theft, so the judge asked her what she had stolen.

The lady responds "I stole a can of peaches your honour", and after a few moments after thinking about this, the judge asked her how many peaches had been in that can.

Hesitantly, the lady tells him t...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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Why peas and pussy hair are kinda the same?

Because no matter how you try to put them aside, you always end up getting some on your mouth



(Sounds funnier on Spanish)

My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate

She said it was an esca-pea

Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?

It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter

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A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’.

So I got her a bag of peas.

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What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Comon?

It all went to shit when fergie left.

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

A man and a woman saw their son sleeping in a tub of peas.

The man then said, “May he rest in Peas.”

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky?

Because he had some chick-pea all over him.

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

A student is eating school lunch

Student: Teacher, my peas are too hard
The teacher walks over and puts some in her mouth
“Those weren’t very hard, why did you call me over?”

“They better not have been, I’ve been chewing them for ten minutes!”

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

So I met this great girl at a party

I gave her peas.

She gave me herpes.

Whats a pacifist favorite food?

Peas

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

A man takes a hooker out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

Two women are talking over a garden fence.

I was sorry to hear about your husband dying in the garden. Whatever happened?

Well, he was bent over pulling up a cabbage for our dinner and he had a massive heart attack.

Oh dear, what did you do?

Nothing else I could do. I had to open a tin of peas.

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What do you call a person who's sexually attracted to chic peas and tahini?

A hummus-sexual

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you do all night?
A: Pee soup…

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

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