A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup.

Anyone can roast beef, but it’s not easy to pea soup.

What’s the difference between a chic pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn’t pay 20 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

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What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Comon?

It all went to shit when fergie left.

What is R. Kelly's favorite vegetable?

Black-eyed Peas

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

A Jewish woman, Mrs. Babs Goldstein, has a problem with kleptomania.

She is brought before the court for stealing. The magistrate asks her, "So, what did you steal, Mrs. Goldstein?"

"Oh your honor... it was *just* a can of peaches."

"*Just* a can of peaches, you say," says the magistrate, somewhat perturbed. "Hmmm.... How many peaches would you guess we...

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....

She gave me her peas...

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

This just in vegans and vegetarians can no longer consume anything with beans or peas in it ....

... as they can't eat anything with a pulse.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole.

When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

Did you know John Lennon wrote a song for kids who avoid green vegetables?

Give Peas a Chance!

My mom won't support my dreams of becoming a bean farmer...

I wish she would just let me work in peas.

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

Man walks into a library

... says to the librarian in a loud voice, ‘please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice’. The librarian says ‘this is a library’. The man apologies and whispers ‘sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice’.

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A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal

He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Bartender

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir,"...

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

What do you call a pie with a can of peas in it?

Pea-can pie.

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What did the alien with a vegetable fetish say?

I cum in peas

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

A guy invites a hooker in for dinner...

He gave her his peas, then she gave him herpes.

What happens if you get a heart attack on a pirate ship ?

You Sea Pea Arrrrgh !!

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

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What do you call a person who's sexually attracted to chic peas and tahini?

A hummus-sexual

Two Peas in a Pod

The year is 2,000 BC. Among other plants, there's a pod with two peas sitting on its plant. While the two peas were chatting about, they suddenly heard a very loud rumbling coming from the ground.

"What's that noise?" one said to the other.

"I don't know!"

At that moment, a mete...

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I’m sexually attracted to mashed chickpeas

I’m a hummussexual

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you do all night?
A: Pee soup…

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