What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a snap pea ?

I’ve never had a snap pea on my face before.

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Comon?

It all went to shit when fergie left.

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

Where would the black eyed pea's live if they lived in New York?

Will.I.Am sburg

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

What was Gandhi's favorite vegetable?

Peas.

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

Whats the difference between a green pea and a chickpea?

I would not pay $500 for a green pea on my face

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole.

When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

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I’m sexually attracted to mashed chickpeas

I’m a hummussexual

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter?

Get me a soup! And make it snap pea!

What do you call a pie with a can of peas in it?

Pea-can pie.

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

I don't believe in mixing up peas with my wife...

That's why at my house we have his peas and her peas.

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

What did John Lennon say to his son when he wouldn’t eat his vegetables?

Give peas a chance!

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

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What did the sassy vegetable say?

Bitch, peas!

Two Peas in a Pod

The year is 2,000 BC. Among other plants, there's a pod with two peas sitting on its plant. While the two peas were chatting about, they suddenly heard a very loud rumbling coming from the ground.

"What's that noise?" one said to the other.

"I don't know!"

At that moment, a mete...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

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What do you call a person who's sexually attracted to chic peas and tahini?

A hummus-sexual

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

Smart Pills

A poor man who has no money decides to paint peas different colors and sell them at a market, labeling them as smart pills for $5 a piece.

A man walks over to his booth and buys a 'pill.'
Doesn't seem to comprehend

He decides to buy another one.
Still not hitting him

He bu...

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

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A virgin walks into a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

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[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you do all night?
A: Pee soup…

I keep bees for the fur, not the honey

The pelt is excellent for pea cosies and the flesh is packed with vitamins

Mainly Vitamin B

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