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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

A pea farmer had a very good harvest this year..

At the dinner, he was discussing with his family about the harvest and mentioned that he would sell the lot for a whopping $5000.
His daughter said "I can double that. And I don't even need to sell everything. I'll just sell one pea in a jar"
She went out next day and sold the pea in a jar for...

You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole.

When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

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What do the Black Eyed Peas and Manchester United have in common?

They both turned to shit when Fergie left

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

Where would the black eyed pea's live if they lived in New York?

Will.I.Am sburg

This just in vegans and vegetarians can no longer consume anything with beans or peas in it ....

... as they can't eat anything with a pulse.

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

Whats the difference between a green pea and a chickpea?

I would not pay $500 for a green pea on my face

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

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I just witnessed my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of peanut butter

He's fucking nuts

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

Whats the difference between a pickle and a chick pea

~~I’ve never had a pickle on my chest before~~
The texture

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

What do you call a pie with a can of peas in it?

Pea-can pie.

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

How to catch a polar bear

This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.

Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?

No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?

You cut a hole in the ice an...

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

Guide to trapping an elephant.

Start by digging a hole about 10 meters deep, and 5 meters in diameter.

Then, light a fire down in the center of the pit, a really big fire. Let the fire burn down to just the ashes, and leave it.

Place a pea 1 inch apart from one another, around the entire hole.

So, when the el...

Two Peas in a Pod

The year is 2,000 BC. Among other plants, there's a pod with two peas sitting on its plant. While the two peas were chatting about, they suddenly heard a very loud rumbling coming from the ground.

"What's that noise?" one said to the other.

"I don't know!"

At that moment, a mete...

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What do you call someone with a fetish for chickpeas?

A hummussexual.

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A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may s...

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What do you call a person who's sexually attracted to chic peas and tahini?

A hummus-sexual

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How do vegetables end a war?

Ap*pea*sement

An elderly lady went to court…

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.
"What is it that you stole?" the judge asked her.
"Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
"Alright. How many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to give you...

Guy goes to a brothel... (NSFW)

He chooses a girl and they retreat to a room. He goes down on her. A moment later, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of corn. A bit perturbed, he resumes anyway. A moment later, he bolts up and spits out a mouthful of carrot bits. Now he's pretty freaked out, but still he resumes. Fin...

What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you do all night?
A: Pee soup…

What are peas attracted to?

Chickpeas

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