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Pea Jokes

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just called The Peas

Until they collaborated with Chris Brown

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

"What's wrong with your peas?" a man asked his son.

"They're too hard," was the reply.

"Let me take some from your plate and try them," said the father. "They don't seem that hard at all to me."

The boy replied, "That's because those are the ones I've been chewing the last 10 minutes."

peaches vs peas

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked h...

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

A bodybuilder asked his doctor: "what's better, whey protein, or pea protein?"

"Weigh protein, of course!" replied the doctor. "For one thing, weighing protein isn't a potential sign of kidney failure."

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

What does an introverted vegan want for dinner?

Peas and quiet.

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

Polar bear hunting

A man is having trouble with a polar bear roaming around his remote cabin, so he calls up a famous polar bear behavior expert to ask about the best way of trapping or killing it.

“First, you have to wait for winter. You have a river or pond near your property?”

“I do,” the man acknowle...

What’s the difference between blue whales and green peas?

A leprechaun doesn’t get offended if you ask him if his whale’s blue.

I just can’t Find peas

The store was out of peas. And here I was thinking I’d get a peas-full day

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What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?

It all went to shit when Fergie left.

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

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Why peas and pussy hair are kinda the same?

Because no matter how you try to put them aside, you always end up getting some on your mouth



(Sounds funnier on Spanish)

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

What do you call an angry pea?

A Grump-pea.

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

What do you have if you have two little green peas in your hand?

Kermits undivided attention

What did the Black Eyed Peas say when they were at their friends house?

Ima pee ima pee ima ima ima pee

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

Chick Peas

and everyone wants to watch.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

What are peas attracted to?

Chickpeas

What did you have for breakfast? Pea Soup

Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Pea Soup
Q: What did you do all night?
A: Pee soup…

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What did the Vegetable Fetishists say when they landed on an alien planet?

“We cum in peas.”

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?

It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter

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