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What’s the difference between Apples and orphans

Apples get picked

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

If A is for "apples" and B is for "bananas", what is C for?

Explosives

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

A guy was driving down the road when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to a tree to eat apples

Confused, and curious, the guy pulls over to watch as the farmer picked up pig after pig and held them up to the tree to eat an apple.

The man finally decided to speak up and asked the farmer “wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you shook the tree so the apples fell on the ground and the pigs j...

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

What do you call two apples next to each other?

A pear.

Why don’t robots like Apples?

Because They’re androids!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

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3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.

Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:

“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”

The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their way...

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

My friend told me his apples were yellow

And I was all like, nah that’s bananas

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples is a...

guyneckologist

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

A Frenchman, an American, and a Bulgarian are asked what they'd do if they had a train car full of apples at their disposal.

The Frenchman replies, "Easy, I'd roam the streets of Paris and gift an apple to every beautiful woman I come across".

"I'd sell the apples, and buy even more with the profit", says the American. "Then sell those too, restock, resell, and so on, until I become an apple trillionaire".

S...

Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices her father's nakedness. Immediately, she's curious. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, Daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's apples of life. Without them, we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks out h...

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

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broccoli

So there is a kid working at Wollworth. One day he is working fruit and veg, he is putting out some apples and an old lady approaches him "excuse me, do you have any broccoli?"

The kid has a look around "I'm sorry, i think we have sold out at the moment, but we should have some more in tomorr...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

What kind of apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

A Student in a Maths exam.

Student: How much is remaining, sir?

Teacher: it's last 20, be quick.

Student: 20 what? Apples?

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and then gave you another one, how many would you ...

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

A conversation in the train compartment of a speedtrain

"What are you chewing on all the time?"

"Apple cores."

"And what's that good for?"

"It promotes intelligence."

"I see, can you give me four of those, too?"

"Gladly. Four pieces cost eight Dollars."

The passenger pays and gets the kernels.

After chewin...

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How do you like them apples?

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke

The bartender plops an apple in front of him.

"But I wanted a drink"

The bartender says "Just try it."

The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"

"Turn it around," says the bart...

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

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