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Poisoned Jokes

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

Poisoned ex-lover

I was dating this girl named Ella and then she left me for this other guy named Sam. I was really angry so I decided to poison by selling them bad eggs. On their combined tombstone was written Sam N' Ella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

I heard about a man who used poisoned Cheerios to murder people

He was quite the cereal killer

A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

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I have poisoned each of my ex-boyfriends with a whole bottle of Viagra, and I’m going to do it again when this guy breaks up with me

I wish I could stop, but old habits die hard.

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Who poisoned the waters in the 2016 Olympics?

It was I, **RIO**!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

Probably doesn't translate well into American English but there you go.

My dad told me this joke over twenty years ago. He said he'd heard Peter Sellers tell it on a street corner.

Don't ask me why Peter Sellers was telling jokes on a street corner. Must...

A devoted husband is at his dying wife's bedside

- honey, I love you so much. You are the sweetest husband .... Even now you haven't left my side for days... Says the wife.

- of course. How could I leave you , you are the love of my life!

- before I die I have something to confess.

- it's ok you don't have to tell me anything...

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