Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

A man way lying on his deathbed when he decided to make a confession to his wife

Man: I have to tell you the truth, I cheated on you with your best friend

Wife: I have to be honest with you too, I already know - that's why I poisoned you

I heard about a man who used poisoned Cheerios to murder people

He was quite the cereal killer

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I recently went to a restaurant, they poisoned my tiramisu. Guess what?

I tiramisued them.

"Dad, I poisoned our neighbors' groundwater."

"Well, well, well"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

"Give a poor man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Give a poor man a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life"

Watermelons

A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned."

The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned."

Poisoned ex-lover

I was dating this girl named Ella and then she left me for this other guy named Sam. I was really angry so I decided to poison by selling them bad eggs. On their combined tombstone was written Sam N' Ella.

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Good joke I was once told

3 men are captured by a tribe in the jungle the leader of the tribe tells them that they have trespassed on sacred land and they must die. Once they are dead the tribe leader says that he will use their skin to make canoes. They are told however that they can choose how they die. The first man asks ...

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Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

Probably doesn't translate well into American English but there you go.

My dad told me this joke over twenty years ago. He said he'd heard Peter Sellers tell it on a street corner.

Don't ask me why Peter Sellers was telling jokes on a street corner. Must...

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

Who poisoned the waters in the 2016 Olympics?

It was I, **RIO**!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

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