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Placing Jokes

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

Donald trump is placing a ban on telecommunications from the middle east...

It's called the teleban

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

TIFU by placing flowers on the wrong headstone in the cemetery

It was a grave mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unidentified man was seen placing his penis through a hole in the park fence

The police say they are looking into an anonymous tip

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice...

... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man was at the checkout waiting to buy more beer when...

..a young women behind him began placing her items down. She had a bottle of wine, ice cream, scented candles, a magazine, and some tampons. She notices the drunk man watching her and decides to add condoms to her pile from off the rack. The man looks the at the items, then back at her and drunkenly...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

I realized placing a long umbrella on my back does not make me like a ninja samurai...

But more like a Teletubbies.

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