Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends.

I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth."

"When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

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Two women are playing golf...

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed towards a group of men.

It hit one of the men and he immediately doubled over in pain clutching his groin. The women rushed over and began apologizing vehemently.

The man said, still in pain, said it was ok and told th...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

A man goes into a bar, and the bar is empty save for the bartender and an incredbily tiny man playing the piano...

So the man goes to the bar, orders a drink and starts talking to the bartender and he asks about the tiny man playing piano.

"There's a genie who lives in the alleyway behind my bar, and he said he'll grant me one wish. Why don't you have a word with him?"

So the man goes out to the al...

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Statistically 100,000 people die each year playing Russian roulette ....

It's mind-blowing!

Playing with fate. . .

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants,...

Why do bagpipers always walk while playing the bagpipes?

They are trying to get away from all the noise.



Note: I actually really like the bagpipes.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

I’ve been playing in the street all day wondering why I haven’t seen a single car

And then it hit me

My girlfriend asked me to stop playing Wonderwall...

I said Maybe...

Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf.

Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Hole in one.

Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. Hole in one.

The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagl...

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards….

The steaks were pretty high.

I found out my wife has been playing board games with another man.

Turns out she's monopolyamorous.

John is playing golf with the vicar

He misses a three foot putt, and says "damn, missed the buggar."

The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."

John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "damn, missed the buggar."

Sure enough, God opens th...

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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What does a person think when they are playing poker and have to poop/pee?

*Hold em*

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Playing house

First day in prison, terrifying looking cell mate says to me "Do you want to be Mommy or Daddy?"

"Huh?" I say.

"MOMMY or DADDY, which do you want to be!?"

I respond with a nervous "Uh, Daddy, I guess"

"Good, now get over here and suck Mommy's cock"

I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.

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A man is like a deck of playing cards

A woman once said, " a man is like a deck of playing cards ...you need :

**A Heart** to love him,

**A Diamond** to marry him,

**A Club** to smash his fucking head in, and

**A Spade** to bury the prick.

I invited my friends to play Russian Roulette with me.

We had a blast playing.

I was playing a flat earth documentary on Netflix when my wife walked in.

What you watching?

Sci-fi.

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

Why was the body builder playing with knives?

Because he wanted to get cut

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

While playing catch with our pet Alsatian in the yard,

He returned with a bunny in his mouth. Quite clearly it was our neighbors pet bunny. The same distinctive brown patch! We both dashed to our doggy and gently pried the bunny out of his mouth.

It was quite clearly dead.

We panicked and looked over to the neighbors yard. He wasn't in and...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

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A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says ‘Damn, missed!’ The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word ‘damn’, and eventually snapped. He said, ‘Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!’ There’s an i...

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A man was playing golf with his local Vicar.

The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".

The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."

They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same ...

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

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Sex is like playing billiards.

You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

Why Can’t Thor play Piano?

He hates playing the Lokis.


(I know it’s bad plus it’s better read out loud)

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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Sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

Three old ladies playing a round of bridge

The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."

The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was ...

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she

Drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. The doctor said Wow I have never seen...

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

Two guys were on a golf course playing a couple rounds when one turns to the other and says "Hey man, do you have a lighter?" the other guy opens up a compartment on his golf bag and says "Yeah, here you go." and hands the first guy this giant lighter.

The first guy says "Man that's a huge lighter, where'd you get this?" the other guy says "Oh, well, there's this genie lamp I found, rubbed it, genie came out, and said he'd grant me one wish." The first guy says "Wow, that's crazy, do you still have the lamp?" The other guy opens up another compart...

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A man goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to the hell. As usual, he gets a tour from the devil to know, where he actually came to.

They visit a first room with many tables and people are playing all the card games in a big style.
The man asks, what is going on and the devil explains: "Those are people, who got ...

A Statistician is playing darts

The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"

My girlfriend wanted to do doctor roleplaying.

I sat in the waiting room for about an hour while she saw two other patients who came in after me.

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