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Humor in the workplace

A guy who works in a deli goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Doc! I’ve become obsessed with sticking my penis in the pickle slicer at work.”

Quite concerned, the psychiatrist lists the many reasons it’s a bad idea.

The guy brings the subject up week after week. One week he comes in an...

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Hierarchy at the workplace

is like monkeys on a tree.

The ones below look up and all they see are assholes.

How is a toilet like a workplace?

The biggest lumps rise to the top

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

My daughter hates when I show up at her workplace..

But in my defense,it's the strip club in our town.

The female janitor at my workplace asked me if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment

Ubisoft

I’m the life and soul of my workplace

I work in a morgue

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

At my workplace, there's a forklift that we all call "The Libertarian"

The steering doesn't work properly, so whenever you try to use it, it immediately makes a hard right and breaks something important.

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

During mandatory sensitivity training, we were asked if dumb blonde jokes were appropriate in the workplace.

Whatever you do, don't say "Isn't dumb blonde redundant?"

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There's this joke about sex that everyone is sharing at my workplace.

Apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't get it.

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

To all of the cleaners out there, working tirelessly to keep our hospitals and workplaces clean, I have just one thing to say to you.

You missed a spot.

My workplace has a monthly fun day, and this month was PJ Day. But when I showed up in my PJs, I WAS FIRED!

\#justicefornakedsleepers

Girl at my workplace said that if I finished up before her, she'd let me come back to her place.

I'm proud to say, I finished before her twice today.

What do you call it if Post Malone shoots up his workplace?

Postal Malone.

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My boss told be there would be a training seminar about sexual innuendo in the workplace and asked me to invite my secretary.

I left her a post it note saying if she couldn’t come I’d happily fill her slot for her.

I hate being the only 3D modelling guy at my workplace

Every day my coworkers will ask if I can do them a solid

I heard you have to make a payment when you enter a Microsoft workplace

They are called bill gates

I keep hearing that more women in the workplace makes for a stronger economy. But isn't that obvious?

Cheaper labour always helps the bottom line.

Remember when Ontario...

...was having a ridiculous increase in Covid 19 infections because of transmission among essential workers and in warehouse workplaces, so the Ford government closed parks and golf courses?

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What do you call a droid who was sexually harassed in the workplace?

R2MeToo

Alot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.

Otherwise people could catch terminal illnesses.

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

A construction worker lost his hand in an workplace accident.

The insurance company is trying to figure out how it happened but they can't quite put their finger on it

Why did Medusa have to take harassment in the workplace training?

Because she wouldn't stop objectifying people.

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A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace.

He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

"What on earth is this nurse doing?!" He asked.
The other nurse casually replies "this man has a very rare condition. I...

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

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A man and a woman are having an argument

In the heat of the argument, she calls him a misogynist.

"Am not!" he says. "In fact, I'll have you know that at my workplace, I have two bosses - one is a man, and one is a woman - and I see them both as equals!"

"Is that so?"

"Yep! And they *both* drive me crazy! He's always ...

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I get horrified whenever I hear about women being mistreated at their workplaces.

What in the flying fuck are they doing out of the kitchen?

My workplace is like an episode of Gilmore Girls

Fast paced and full of unlikeable characters.

My workplace has "Jamaican Hair Day" next week...

...I'm already dreading it.

The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.

Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow, answers the door.

"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."

"My God....

Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.

After a few hours I finally found the exit.

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My workplace scheduled Sexual Harassment Training.

Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.

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With all these workplace sexual assault cases it makes me wonder.

How has Ron Jeremy gotten away with it all these years?

Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question "what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say "I'm bad with awkward silences "

If the don't laugh then pause again and say "sometimes my jokes aren't well received " problem solved

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General Motors finally solved their workplace diversity dilemma

There are equal numbers of black, white, brown, red, yellow, and orange robots. Half the robots have penises drawn on them.

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NSFW: My wife and I have been working from home since April, and I finally called her HR Department with a complaint.

There has been far less sexual harassment in our workplace than I was hoping for.

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How do you describe someone who has a boner when they are at their workplace?

Hard at work

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What kinds of boobs are popular in the workplace?

Pos-tits.

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

I don't know which is thinner

The toilet paper at my workplace or my will to live

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

A man goes to his friend for advice

He tells his friend, “I’ve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just won’t change!”

“Woah there,” his friend says. “No need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.”

The man agrees and ...

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

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A guy is talking to his coworker.

Guy: "Man, I got fired."

Coworker: "Oh no! What happened?"

Guy: "Boss told me that if I didn't fuck her right there in the office, I'd get fired."

Coworker: "Oh, and you said no?"

Guy: "No, I said yes!"

Coworker: "So why did you get fired?"
...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

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During the job interview

"So, it says here you've been fired for having sex at your workplace...TWICE."

"Well, I guess I was neither suited to be a mortician nor a vet."

Why did the chemist got fired?

He was caught at his workplace looking at polonium radon

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Called into HR at work

I recently got called into a meeting with HR in my workplace. They wanted to discuss my incident with another co worker involving a dare where I threw a lamp at them and yelled "Lighten the fuck up".

I told them straight up it was a dare and not all my own doing.

HR asked me, "so who'...

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Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

Employee calls his boss.

Employee : I've lost a thing in my workplace.
Boss : What's that thing?
Employee : interest


*Joke is based in my real life*

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A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

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The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

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A lawyer walks into a bar...

Mr. Jones, the lawyer, walked into a bar. The bartender poured him a drink, then noticed Mr. Jones had a black eye. “What happened to you?” asked the bartender. “You look like you’ve been in a fight.”

“It’s been just an awful day at work, I tell you what.” said Mr. Jones. “I don’t even work i...

I just got fired from my new job at the pharmacy.

Apparently "drug free workplace" and "free drug workplace" are not the same thing at all.

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Another day at the White House

After returning from the White House after a forum on sex in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.

Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her...

CNN & NBC news report (political humor)

*Breaking news*

A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan.

Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling "A...

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

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