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Workplace Jokes

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s)

A cat begins typing a passive-aggressive workplace message

“Purr my last email…”

Diversity is good for the workplace

For instance, she is the best dancer at our local strip joint.

What workplace game do scientists like to play?

Formaldehyde-and-go-seek

workplace injury

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day at work!" the guy sighs. "I fell off a 20-foot ladder." "You're kidding!" the bartender exclaims. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Oh no, I'm fine," the guy says. "I was just on the first step."

How does the Soylent Green factory deal with workplace misconduct?

Human Resources.

There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer has some explaining to do.

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Strong tape is integral to a thriving workplace

some say that it is indispensable!

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Hierarchy at the workplace

is like monkeys on a tree.

The ones below look up and all they see are assholes.

I hate women who gossip about me at workplace

Especially to the HR ..

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Humor in the workplace

A guy who works in a deli goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Doc! I’ve become obsessed with sticking my penis in the pickle slicer at work.”

Quite concerned, the psychiatrist lists the many reasons it’s a bad idea.

The guy brings the subject up week after week. One week he comes in an...

What will Post Malone's workplace be called?

Post office

How do women in the workplace stay cool?

A glass ceiling fan.

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

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A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace.

He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

"What on earth is this nurse doing?!" He asked.
The other nurse casually replies "this man has a very rare condition. I...

How is a toilet like a workplace?

The biggest lumps rise to the top

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

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A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

I’m the life and soul of my workplace

I work in a morgue

My daughter hates when I show up at her workplace..

But in my defense,it's the strip club in our town.

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Inappropriate Workplace Behavior

So this girl at work has always kind of had a thing for me right, but this week especially she's been like you're so cool, I like your shirt, blah blah all up in my biz and eventually she tells me that she really wants to see it. Holy shit right?! So I had been mulling that over for a couple of days...

A man had a workplace accident which caused him to lose one of his ear.

He had no choice but to get a ear prosthetic to replace his lost ear. However, he seemed to be a completely changed person, from his mannerisms to his personality. His colleague finally caved and asked him one day: "Hey, why have you changed so much since the accident?". To which he replied:
...

At my workplace, there's a forklift that we all call "The Libertarian"

The steering doesn't work properly, so whenever you try to use it, it immediately makes a hard right and breaks something important.

Why did Medusa have to take harassment in the workplace training?

Because she wouldn't stop objectifying people.

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What do you call a droid who was sexually harassed in the workplace?

R2MeToo

A man moves into a new neighborhood closer to his workplace so he can walk to work.

On his first day walking to work in the morning, he’s walking past a house and in the window he sees a woman hit her son over the head with a loaf of bread.

Each morning as he walks to work he sees the woman hit the boy over the head with a loaf of bread. Everyday it’s the same.

Then...

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

Alot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.

Otherwise people could catch terminal illnesses.

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There's this joke about sex that everyone is sharing at my workplace.

Apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't get it.

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My workplace scheduled Sexual Harassment Training.

Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.

A construction worker lost his hand in an workplace accident.

The insurance company is trying to figure out how it happened but they can't quite put their finger on it

My workplace has "Jamaican Hair Day" next week...

...I'm already dreading it.

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

One morning, Mr. Johnson was driving home from his night shift. He had worked hard all night and his home was about an hour away from his workplace, so he decided to take a nap.

He pulled his car over to the side of the road and closed his eyes.

Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by a jogger tapping on his window. Mr. Johnson rolled down the window.

"Do you know what time it is?" asked the jogger.

"No!" snapped Mr. Johnson. He rolled his window back...

I hate being the only 3D modelling guy at my workplace

Every day my coworkers will ask if I can do them a solid

My workplace is like an episode of Gilmore Girls

Fast paced and full of unlikeable characters.

I heard you have to make a payment when you enter a Microsoft workplace

They are called bill gates

Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...

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General Motors finally solved their workplace diversity dilemma

There are equal numbers of black, white, brown, red, yellow, and orange robots. Half the robots have penises drawn on them.

Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

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I get horrified whenever I hear about women being mistreated at their workplaces.

What in the flying fuck are they doing out of the kitchen?

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What kinds of boobs are popular in the workplace?

Pos-tits.

Girl at my workplace said that if I finished up before her, she'd let me come back to her place.

I'm proud to say, I finished before her twice today.

My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.

After a few hours I finally found the exit.

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

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I sent a memo to my secretary about her invite to the upcoming sexual innuendo in the workplace seminar

I said I had to give her one and if she couldn’t come then I would have to fill her slot.

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How do you describe someone who has a boner when they are at their workplace?

Hard at work

It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

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Sex in the office

A guy conducting a survey calls up a random person on the phone and asks, "Sir, what are your thoughts on sex in the workplace?"

"Well, first of all, I'm married. But regardless, the options in my workplace aren't all that great anyway."

"And where exactly do you work?"

"From ho...

My workplace has a monthly fun day, and this month was PJ Day. But when I showed up in my PJs, I WAS FIRED!

\#justicefornakedsleepers

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

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NSFW: My wife and I have been working from home since April, and I finally called her HR Department with a complaint.

There has been far less sexual harassment in our workplace than I was hoping for.

I don't know which is thinner

The toilet paper at my workplace or my will to live

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

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Blowjobs

Are the best way to get a head in the workplace

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A man and a woman are having an argument

In the heat of the argument, she calls him a misogynist.

"Am not!" he says. "In fact, I'll have you know that at my workplace, I have two bosses - one is a man, and one is a woman - and I see them both as equals!"

"Is that so?"

"Yep! And they *both* drive me crazy! He's always ...

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During the job interview

"So, it says here you've been fired for having sex at your workplace...TWICE."

"Well, I guess I was neither suited to be a mortician nor a vet."

I just got fired from my new job at the pharmacy.

Apparently "drug free workplace" and "free drug workplace" are not the same thing at all.

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A guy is talking to his coworker.

Guy: "Man, I got fired."

Coworker: "Oh no! What happened?"

Guy: "Boss told me that if I didn't fuck her right there in the office, I'd get fired."

Coworker: "Oh, and you said no?"

Guy: "No, I said yes!"

Coworker: "So why did you get fired?"
...

Employee calls his boss.

Employee : I've lost a thing in my workplace.
Boss : What's that thing?
Employee : interest


*Joke is based in my real life*

A mime got fired.

He got caught thinking outside the box at his workplace.

A man goes to his friend for advice

He tells his friend, “I’ve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just won’t change!”

“Woah there,” his friend says. “No need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.”

The man agrees and ...

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

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Called into HR at work

I recently got called into a meeting with HR in my workplace. They wanted to discuss my incident with another co worker involving a dare where I threw a lamp at them and yelled "Lighten the fuck up".

I told them straight up it was a dare and not all my own doing.

HR asked me, "so who'...

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A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

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Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

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Another day at the White House

After returning from the White House after a forum on sex in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.

Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

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A lawyer walks into a bar...

Mr. Jones, the lawyer, walked into a bar. The bartender poured him a drink, then noticed Mr. Jones had a black eye. “What happened to you?” asked the bartender. “You look like you’ve been in a fight.”

“It’s been just an awful day at work, I tell you what.” said Mr. Jones. “I don’t even work i...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

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The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

CNN & NBC news report (political humor)

*Breaking news*

A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan.

Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling "A...

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