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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

A divorced father picks his 5 year old son up for their weekend together.

After they have lunch the father says “what do you want to do now, son?”

Kid says, “I want to go back to Sea World!”

“No, son, we’re not doing that.”

“Please”

“No”

“Pretty please?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“You just got here. I don’t feel like taking yo...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

A man picks up a woman from the bar and takes her home for the night. They have a great night together. In the morning, he's getting off the bed and asks her, "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

The woman says, "Unfertilized".

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

She goes to the register to pay, and the guy behind the counter says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

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A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.

They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks:

"Oh my god, what is with your toes?!"

The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger"

They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they'...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife.

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve."

"But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes, I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

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A guy and an alligator walk into a bar.

The alligator's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts...

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