My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

What does an owl call it’s beak?

Hoo nose.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

What has feathers and a beak and goes quick?

A South African duck!

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

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Someone told me opium was made out of ground rooster beaks.

But that's poppycock.

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

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Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line cr...

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Got any bread?

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell bread. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any bread?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the barm...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

What has a beak but doesn’t peck, wings but doesn’t fly, and feet but doesn’t walk?

A dead bird.

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

My visit to the pet store

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too mu...

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What do you call a duck without a nose?

A duck. They don’t have noses. They have beaks.

What do you call a dog without a nose?




Whatever his name is. Don’t be a jerk and call him names because he has no nose.

Why did the Chicken cross the street?

Beak-cause, she didn't want to chicken out.

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The moral of the story.

One day a monkey was walking in the jungle when he heard a terrible screeching sound. He ran on further to find that an Ostrich was stuck in the deep mud near a watering hole. The monkey dare not try to go into the mud, he tried to find a branch from a tree.. but it was too small. He had no rope. Wa...

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Last night for Fathers Day I drove home from college to have dinner with my dad...

He asked me if I had chosen a major and I said yes, that I'm learning about agriculture and domestic animal husbandry.

"Have they taught you about roosters yet?"

Actually, yes, it came up in my poultry farming class.

"How many legs does a black rooster have?"

Two, I answe...

Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...

...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.

Mr Penguin decides...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

A Penguin is driving in his car

Suddenly, the car broke down and he needed to tow the car to the mechanic

After leaving the car to give the mechanic time to analyse it, he felt hungry and spotted an ice cream shop nearby. He ordered a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but because the store had run out of spoons, he needed to u...

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

A duck walks into a farmers market.

“Do you have corn?” The duck asks.
“No, unfortunately not” the worker replied.

The next day the duck is back.
“Do you have corn?” Asks the duck once again.
“No. We don’t” the worker says.

The third day the duck is back yet again.
“Do you have corn?” It asks.
“No! We don’...

"Mom, I think my egg isn't well." "Shut up and keep eating!"

"Mom, do I have to eat the beak too?"

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A headbanger.

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

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This one got me

A man and his best friend are chatting.

"How much legs does a black rooster have?"

The man responded with 2.

"How much beaks do they have?"

"1"

"How much eyes do they have?"

"2"

"Okay final question: How many whiskers does a white cat have?"

Th...

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Don't speak to the parrot

The plumber was coming over to repair a pipe while the family where all at work. They had agreed where to leave the key, and the plumber was instructed to ignore the dog Killer and not to speak to the parrot Polly under any circumstances.

The plumber locked himself inn, ignored Killer and go...

A guy in a bar is telling a joke to his friend

"John and his friends are playing 'how high can you throw a brick', the first kid had the brick in the air for 2 seconds, the 2nd one for 4, third one slipped and the brick touched the ground in less than one second, now it's John's turn, he throws the brick in the air aaaand it never drops"
...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet.

It is a tense moment.

The Serpent Guard's eyes glow, the Horus Guard's beak glistens, the Setesh Guard's... nose drips.

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.

It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.

“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “C...

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

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A duck walks into a bar...

...flaps itself onto a stool in front of the bartender and says, "Got any bread?" The bartender looks at the duck and replies, "Fraid not, can I get you something else?" The duck says, "Got any bread?" the barman stares at the duck for a second and replies, "No mate, we don't have any bread" The duc...

Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.

A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.

He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."

"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just wa...

Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off.

Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has been running rough.

The mechanic tells the penguin that he can check it out to see what the problem is but it will take sometime.

The penguin says "okay," and he heads to the soda shop across the street and gets a soft serve.

After about an hour the penguin goes back to the auto shop. He ask the mechani...

Let me tell you story of a chicken.

Once there was a chicken. He was just like every other chicken, minding himself, keeping his beak clean, working the 9 to 5, the usual. Life was going good for him, until he made a life threatening choice. He had severely angered Hank “Road to Hell” Eagle, AKA “The Road” for short, a notorious mob b...

A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica

Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic.

He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him :
"Hmm ... I can't really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I'll tell you what's wrong with your car"

The penguin start...

Smart vs dumb

Smart one (S) has a proposition for a dumb one (D):
S: We'll be solving riddles, and since you're dumb, you will pay me a quarter for each you don't solve. Aand since I'm the smart one, I will pay you 10 dollars for each unsolved.
D: Good.
S: Here we go, it's little, green and jumps a lot, ...

A heck of a bird is a Pelican

It's beak can hold more than its Bellycan

So a finch asks his mother...

"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

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Two jokes. One post.

So, three guys are walking down the street, when they notice a large mud deposit, and a large pile of bricks. For whatever reason, they want to see who can throw a brick the highest, to see this, they decide to each throw a brick up and see how far it sinks into the mud. The first guy throws, sinks ...

what does a digital seagull wear to the beech

a beak.ini

A man is driving to a big city

But he has to go through a desert. His car beaks down on the way and he realizes there is now way for him to fix it. He starts to walk when he sees a snake rise out of a hole. The snake speaks to him.

“I see you are tired. I will grant you three wishes. The first is free, but the second come...

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An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

A penguin pulls up to a dealership

He barely made it there before his car gave out. The technician tells him that it's going to be a few hours before the repairs are finished.
The penguin sees an icecream shop across the street and goes inside. He asks the manager if it would be okay to hang out in the freezer because it's just t...

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So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin...

[LONG] A little bird fell out of the nest...

A little bird fell out of the nest and went to explore the surrounding world.

Soon he meets a large, hairy animal and asks:

– "Hello, I'm a little bird. Who are you?"

– "Hello. I'm the Wolf\-dog"

– "A wolf\-dog? That's weird! How can you be a wolf\-dog? You can either be ...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

A chicken walks into a library...

...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book.

Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."

So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream....

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A duck walks into a bar,

the bartender greets him and asks: "what can i get you?"

The duck replies, "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't have any white bread, I can offer you a fine selection of wines and beers though. What can I get for you?"

The duck replies: "A slice o...

A woman walks into a pet store...

And eyes a beautiful parrot with a muzzle on its beak. She's curious about the muzzle and asks a clerk why the parrot was muzzled. The clerk tells her that the parrot once belonged to a very salty pirate and that it has the filthiest mouth he's ever heard.
She sees the possibility of a discount ...

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

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So i thought i was good at math...

An old man at work today asked me if I was good at math, I answered yes. He then claimed that there was an imaginary fence of which a black rooster sat upon. He proceeded to ask me simple questions about this rooster;

Man: "how many feet are on the fence?"
Me: "2."
Man: "good, how many...

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One day a penguin is driving down the country side..

Its a scorching july day. All of a sudden a cracking and chugging sound starts coming from the engine. So the penguin decides to coast it to the nearest garage which is about half a mile down the road. So he pulls up in this little village not too big with a few stores and cafe's and finally pulls i...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

Another parrot joke.

A boy decides he'd like to have a parrot. But searching around he finds that they are all very expensive. He finally finds one at a discount a a local pet shop but it has a crooked beak.

He decides to buy it anyway because he's read on the internet that it can be carefully filed straight. ...

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a Rooster...

He walks around the tables and see many fine roosters, but all above his budget. He finally see a man with a single cock at his booth. The price tag on the cage says "25$". The farmer asks the man why the rooster is 25 when he looks fine. The man tells the farmer, "This here rooster is Henry and he ...

Literal Penguins

A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.

"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."...

A priest wants to go golfing on a Sunday..

...but he has to run Sunday mass so he can never go, so one Sunday mass he cancels at the last minute. Finally having some time on a Sunday, he heads straight to the local course and starts a game of golf.

An angel picks up this happening and brings it to the attention of God. He says "aren'...

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2 jokes

I had a couple short jokes so I’ll just throw them together.

***********

Three construction workers are sitting around a site in break after a couple days’ rain. To pass the time they each bet they can throw a brick the highest. They decide whoever gets their brick to sink the farthes...

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just stick...

My Favorite Family Appropriate Joke

A Penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender responds "no", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the next day and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender replies "no", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the ne...

Two scientists are studying a nest of newly-hatched crows..

The new parents are doing what they can, and the three chicks are noisy and demanding.

One day, the scientists notice that one of the chicks isn't making noise anymore. They see he's making the motions, but no sound is coming from his beak.

The scientists decide to do something to try ...

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke.

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke. he pulls into a small town and leaves his car with the local mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will be done in about 3 hours and he should go wander the town for a while. So the penguin wanders around, checking a few st...

The difference between a crow and a raven.

A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their...

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The priest and the parrot

A priest moved to a new, remote parish and was feeling lonely. To keep him company, he went to the pet store to buy a parrot. Unfortunately, parrots are quite expensive, and he couldn't afford one.

Feeling sorry for him, the store owner told him, "Well, I do have this one parrot, but it was o...

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