A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

What does an owl call it’s beak?

Hoo nose.

A woodpecker with a sore beak walks into a bar

and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Country wisdom

A lazy bird waited to fly south until the first snow began to blast in. As he flew his wings began to ice and alas, our hero fell from the sky and he thought to himself 'I was lazy. I guess I deserve this. ' as luck would have it he landed plop! In farmer John's manure pile where he had just mucked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex and her parrot.

My ex had a talking parrot. This large kind with curved beak and multicolored feathers.

That disgusting creature talked all day and night never shutting its mouth!

And the parrot had to listen to all that crap.

Duck walks into a bar

So then the duck decided to walk into a bar. It went up to the barkeeper and asked, "Got any bread?"

The barkeeper looked at the duck and responded, "No, we got no bread."

So the duck asked again, "Got any bread?"

"No, we don't got no bread." the barkeeper said.

The duck ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me opium was made out of ground rooster beaks.

But that's poppycock.

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

What has a beak but doesn’t peck, wings but doesn’t fly, and feet but doesn’t walk?

A dead bird.

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed.

The Chicken was smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on its beak.

The Egg was pouting and looking very frustrated.

Finally, the Egg got up to go to the bathroom. Just before closing the door, it turned around and said to the Chicken:

“Well, I guess we settled THAT questio...

A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

A penguin walks into a bar.

Penguin: do you have any bread?
Bartender: no this is a bar, we serve beer, get out.
Next day, the penguin goes back into the same bar and sees the same bartender.
Penguin: do you have any bread?
Bartender: no, I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we serve beer, now get out.
The ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man buys a parrot after his wife leaves him

A man's wife leaves him and he is lonely so he decides to go to a pet shop to alleviate his depravity.

He walks into the pet shop and one of the first things he notices is a parrot perched in a cage.

The parrot immediately starts talking "You're wonderful I love you your the greatest I...

During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom.

A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:

"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A headbanger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfer goes to confession

Forgive me father for i have sinned...

.."go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

A duck walks into a bar

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!

Got any nails?

No!

Got any bread?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Larry the horny Cockerel

Farmer goes to market to buy a cockerel to mate with his hens. At the market he sees one going very cheap. The previous owner is very happy to sell it. Back at the farm the cockerel (now named Larry) is set among the henhouse, the farmer goes to bed.
Larry Fucks most of the hens to death, jumps ...

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a duck without a nose?

A duck. They don’t have noses. They have beaks.

What do you call a dog without a nose?




Whatever his name is. Don’t be a jerk and call him names because he has no nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night for Fathers Day I drove home from college to have dinner with my dad...

He asked me if I had chosen a major and I said yes, that I'm learning about agriculture and domestic animal husbandry.

"Have they taught you about roosters yet?"

Actually, yes, it came up in my poultry farming class.

"How many legs does a black rooster have?"

Two, I answe...

A duck walks into a farmers market.

“Do you have corn?” The duck asks.
“No, unfortunately not” the worker replied.

The next day the duck is back.
“Do you have corn?” Asks the duck once again.
“No. We don’t” the worker says.

The third day the duck is back yet again.
“Do you have corn?” It asks.
“No! We don’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moral of the story.

One day a monkey was walking in the jungle when he heard a terrible screeching sound. He ran on further to find that an Ostrich was stuck in the deep mud near a watering hole. The monkey dare not try to go into the mud, he tried to find a branch from a tree.. but it was too small. He had no rope. Wa...

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

My visit to the pet store

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too mu...

Why did the Chicken cross the street?

Beak-cause, she didn't want to chicken out.

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...

...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.

Mr Penguin decides...

A Penguin is driving in his car

Suddenly, the car broke down and he needed to tow the car to the mechanic

After leaving the car to give the mechanic time to analyse it, he felt hungry and spotted an ice cream shop nearby. He ordered a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but because the store had run out of spoons, he needed to u...

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

"Mom, I think my egg isn't well." "Shut up and keep eating!"

"Mom, do I have to eat the beak too?"

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

A guy in a bar is telling a joke to his friend

"John and his friends are playing 'how high can you throw a brick', the first kid had the brick in the air for 2 seconds, the 2nd one for 4, third one slipped and the brick touched the ground in less than one second, now it's John's turn, he throws the brick in the air aaaand it never drops"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one got me

A man and his best friend are chatting.

"How much legs does a black rooster have?"

The man responded with 2.

"How much beaks do they have?"

"1"

"How much eyes do they have?"

"2"

"Okay final question: How many whiskers does a white cat have?"

Th...

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

NO JOKES SERVED HERE

A Priest, Rabbi, and Atheist walk in to a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly lebeled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight The Atheist, Rabbi and Priest all leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chic...

So a finch asks his mother...

"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."

A woman walks down the street

At the corner of the street is a three story white house with a large porch. A parrot sits in a cage on the porch by the screen door.
As the woman reaches the corner, she hears from the cage the parrot squawk "You're fat and you're ugly." The woman thinks nothing of it at first but again the parr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

...flaps itself onto a stool in front of the bartender and says, "Got any bread?" The bartender looks at the duck and replies, "Fraid not, can I get you something else?" The duck says, "Got any bread?" the barman stares at the duck for a second and replies, "No mate, we don't have any bread" The duc...

On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.

It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.

“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “C...

Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.

A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.

He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."

"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just wa...

Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off.

Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look...

A chicken walks into a library...

...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book.

Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book...

A man is driving to a big city

But he has to go through a desert. His car beaks down on the way and he realizes there is now way for him to fix it. He starts to walk when he sees a snake rise out of a hole. The snake speaks to him.

“I see you are tired. I will grant you three wishes. The first is free, but the second come...

A heck of a bird is a Pelican

It's beak can hold more than its Bellycan

what does a digital seagull wear to the beech

a beak.ini

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica

Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic.

He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him :
"Hmm ... I can't really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I'll tell you what's wrong with your car"

The penguin start...

Let me tell you story of a chicken.

Once there was a chicken. He was just like every other chicken, minding himself, keeping his beak clean, working the 9 to 5, the usual. Life was going good for him, until he made a life threatening choice. He had severely angered Hank “Road to Hell” Eagle, AKA “The Road” for short, a notorious mob b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two jokes. One post.

So, three guys are walking down the street, when they notice a large mud deposit, and a large pile of bricks. For whatever reason, they want to see who can throw a brick the highest, to see this, they decide to each throw a brick up and see how far it sinks into the mud. The first guy throws, sinks ...

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar,

the bartender greets him and asks: "what can i get you?"

The duck replies, "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't have any white bread, I can offer you a fine selection of wines and beers though. What can I get for you?"

The duck replies: "A slice o...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

A woman walks into a pet store...

And eyes a beautiful parrot with a muzzle on its beak. She's curious about the muzzle and asks a clerk why the parrot was muzzled. The clerk tells her that the parrot once belonged to a very salty pirate and that it has the filthiest mouth he's ever heard.
She sees the possibility of a discount ...

[LONG] A little bird fell out of the nest...

A little bird fell out of the nest and went to explore the surrounding world.

Soon he meets a large, hairy animal and asks:

– "Hello, I'm a little bird. Who are you?"

– "Hello. I'm the Wolf\-dog"

– "A wolf\-dog? That's weird! How can you be a wolf\-dog? You can either be ...

Literal Penguins

A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.

"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just stick...

A penguin pulls up to a dealership

He barely made it there before his car gave out. The technician tells him that it's going to be a few hours before the repairs are finished.
The penguin sees an icecream shop across the street and goes inside. He asks the manager if it would be okay to hang out in the freezer because it's just t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a penguin is driving down the country side..

Its a scorching july day. All of a sudden a cracking and chugging sound starts coming from the engine. So the penguin decides to coast it to the nearest garage which is about half a mile down the road. So he pulls up in this little village not too big with a few stores and cafe's and finally pulls i...

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke.

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke. he pulls into a small town and leaves his car with the local mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will be done in about 3 hours and he should go wander the town for a while. So the penguin wanders around, checking a few st...

The difference between a crow and a raven.

A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their...

My Favorite Family Appropriate Joke

A Penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender responds "no", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the next day and asks the bartender "got any milk?". The Bartender replies "no", and the Penguin leaves. The Penguin comes back to the bar the ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer goes to the market to buy a Rooster...

He walks around the tables and see many fine roosters, but all above his budget. He finally see a man with a single cock at his booth. The price tag on the cage says "25$". The farmer asks the man why the rooster is 25 when he looks fine. The man tells the farmer, "This here rooster is Henry and he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The priest and the parrot

A priest moved to a new, remote parish and was feeling lonely. To keep him company, he went to the pet store to buy a parrot. Unfortunately, parrots are quite expensive, and he couldn't afford one.

Feeling sorry for him, the store owner told him, "Well, I do have this one parrot, but it was o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.