Dont Blame Someone Else For All The Things That Happen In Your Life And The Road You Have Chosen...

Thats Your Own Asphalt

Don't blame anyone for the road you're on...

That's your own asphalt!

I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

Did you hear about that one animal who was blamed for freeing all his friends at the petting zoo?

He was an escapegoat

I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting

Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom

My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living

Indeed a grave situation

Don't blame others for the road your on

if you don't like it, its your own asphault

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.

The former leaders says to him ‘I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter”.

About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He t...

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

A bad workman blames his fools...

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

Dating a religious girl is the best

I cheat, she finds out.
Then we go and pray. And **BLAME THE DEVIL FOR IT.**

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

Don't blame me...

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

Who should be blamed for the cold streak in Texas?

The Texans -
League championships (0)
Conference championships (0)

A book fell on my head

I can only blame myshelf

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

Failed DIY project

I thought it would be cool to tar up my driveway, but it ended up looking hideous. Can’t even blame anyone, it’s my own stupid asphalt.

Why Women Need a Husband?

Why Women Need a Husband?

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great ...

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.

A few rounds in, thin...

According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona

don't blame lazy people

they didn't do anything

A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.

The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."

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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

Does anyone know how to overcome shyness and blame shifting?

Asking for a friend

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Did you hear about the man who blamed arithmetic for his divorce?

His wife put two and two together.

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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A Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awake...

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A boy meet his girlfriend's father for the first time....

A highschool boy drives over to pick up his girlfriend, her father answers the door along with an old dog.

The boy is asked to sit and wait, but he is very nervous and becomes gassy. (Thankfully I am sitting right next to the dog he thinks to himself)

The boy lets out a silent but stin...

I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

Whose job is it, anyway?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Any...

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

....turns out it was his dumb asphalt.

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

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A man named Ted moved into an apartment building and was invited to have dinner by the old lady next door.

He arrives and is introduced to her beloved cat Sadie and then they sit down to eat.

A few minutes into the meal Ted starts feeling rather gassy. He holds it as long as he can but finally lets out a teeny fart.

Before he can apologize the old lady yells out "Sadie!" and tells her cat t...

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

My wife blames me for two things...

Mainly that I often do not listen to her, and she was also saying something else…

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

I blame Mother Earth for all earthquakes.

It’s always her fault.

My friend said that Donald Trump had found someone to blame over the Corona virus outbreak...

I asked him,'Who?'

A Russian Joke

People start starving and getting mad at Nikita Khrushchev.

He gets his hammer and breaks the *in case of emergency* glass, inside there are two letters from Stalin.

He opens the first one, it says "Blame everything on me."

This works great. For a while.

Soon, everyone is...

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Why are you not supposed to blame God in church?

It's not a good idea to attain a critical mass.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

Adam blamed Eve , Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent,

Didn’t have a leg to stand on.

What has two thumbs and never takes the blame?

That guy

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

A Korean couple.

A Korean couple were sitting on the couch in front of the television when they hear a loud fart.

“ It was the dog” said the man smiling.

“Don’t blame the dog” the woman said “ I cooked it perfectly”

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

In a marriage breakdown there are always both to be to blame...

...the wife and the mother-in-law.

Why don't people sympathise when your books drop to the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

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I blame the Jews

God descends to Earth to choose his people.

He goes to the Gypsies:

"Do you want to be the chosen ones?"

"We want, yes"

"But I have to give you a command ..."

"Give it to us,"

"Do not steal anymore."

"Thanks, bruh, we do not care"



He go...

My friend blamed himself for creating a fight club

I told him "Don't beat yourself up"

You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Who is more to blame for all the controversy in the White House?

The blonde with the big tits or Stormy Daniels?

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

As a Dad, it breaks my heart to see how quick my kids are to blame others.

They get that from their mother.

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed

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