My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

Never blame someone else for the road you're on...

... that's your own asphalt.

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his own dumb asphalt...

A bad workman blames his fools..

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

Don't blame me...

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H...

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.

The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

A Korean couple.

A Korean couple were sitting on the couch in front of the television when they hear a loud fart.

“ It was the dog” said the man smiling.

“Don’t blame the dog” the woman said “ I cooked it perfectly”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

don't blame lazy people

they didn't do anything

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

Did you hear about the man who blamed arithmetic for his divorce?

His wife put two and two together.

Does anyone know how to overcome shyness and blame shifting?

Asking for a friend

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

China has begun a propaganda campaign to deflect blame for starting the COVID-19 outbreak. . .

and I'm starting to believe that they were not responsible. If it had really been "Made in China", it never would have lasted this long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

Trump blames the Canadian PM sometimes

But it’s not always Trudeau

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

Why don't people sympathise when your books drop to the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

My wife blames me for two things...

Mainly that I often do not listen to her, and she was also saying something else…

My friend said that Donald Trump had found someone to blame over the Corona virus outbreak...

I asked him,'Who?'

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are you not supposed to blame God in church?

It's not a good idea to attain a critical mass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do retail workers and people who search by new have in common?

Everyone expects high standards from them, have to deal with everyone’s shit, get blamed when things don’t go the way someone wants, and very understaffed

Earthquakes are confusing

We know where the fault lies but we have no one to blame

You can’t blame things on your past relationships.

It’s just making *ex*cuses

Two Letters

You know, when they forced Khruschev out, he sat down and wrote two letters to his successor. He said – “When you get yourself into a situation you can’t get out of, open the first letter, and you’ll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can’t get out of, open the second letter”....

Adam blamed Eve , Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent,

Didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

Jason Mraz is to blame for Thanos

Just like everybody else in the Galaxy, Thanos got that damned song stuck in his head, but to the Universe’s dismay, he misunderstood it as “Halve it all.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

What has two thumbs and never takes the blame?

That guy

People keeping telling me that, to stay healthy, I should "Eat Vegan"

The trouble is, when you do, you find there is no meat on them.

I blame the lousy diet.

In a marriage breakdown there are always both to be to blame...

...the wife and the mother-in-law.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10...

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10.

They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining childr...

The sunglasses I ordered were much darker than advertised.

I blame a lack of transparency

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

America's waterways are increasing in salinity and I know who's to blame.

Who else but Fortnite players could be responsible for so many salty streams.

My friend blamed himself for creating a fight club

I told him "Don't beat yourself up"

You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vicar goes to an blind lady’s house for a cup of tea...

...and her guide dog sits under his chair
He had had sprouts the night before so was full of wind and he let out a fart
“Rover!!” The blind lady shouts, as if to chastise her dog
He thinks to himself “this is great, I can blame the dog on my wind!” And lets out another fart
“Rover!!!!!” ...

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

A new CEO takes his seat at the helm of a large corporation

He finds three envelopes on his desk, numbered 1 to 3, and a note.

"Dear successor,
On this desk you find 3 envelopes that will help you in times of a crisis. Open them only in the order they are numbered, and only when you face a crisis that you cannot manage.
Best of luck"

...

Here is a war joke for ya all

A passenger train is fully loaded, and a German soldier, on leave, shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young French man. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.
A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel...

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench

Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
‘That’s a filthy habit’

Sister Carol replies: ‘blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things’.

Farmer Dave and Farmer Bill are in a quarrel...

Bill decides to sneak over to Dave’s Farm and covers Dave’s wife with an assortment of leftover ham dinners.

The next day, Bill sneaks over again and places more ham onto Dave’s wife.

This happens everyday for the next week.

Dave’s wife is fed with being covered in ham and co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is more to blame for all the controversy in the White House?

The blonde with the big tits or Stormy Daniels?

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

Sister: Did my brother come from heaven?

Mother: Yes.

Sister: Well, I don't blame the angels for chucking him out

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