UPJOKE
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Blame Jokes

You can't really blame barnacles for being clingy...

They're just a little shellfish.
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don't blame lazy people

they didn't do anything
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A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...
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Never blame someone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt
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I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blame the Dog

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little ...

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...
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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'
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My neighbor tried to blame me for messing up his drive way

But it was his own silly Asphalt
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Don't blame me...

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H...
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Does anyone know how to overcome shyness and blame shifting?

Asking for a friend
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My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor
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Don't blame others for the road your on

if you don't like it, its your own asphault
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I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
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Adam blamed Eve , Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent,

Didn’t have a leg to stand on.
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What has two thumbs and never takes the blame?

That guy
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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

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Everyone always blames Mercury for them being an asshole.

Maybe it’s Uranus.

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I blame the Jews

God descends to Earth to choose his people.

He goes to the Gypsies:

"Do you want to be the chosen ones?"

"We want, yes"

"But I have to give you a command ..."

"Give it to us,"

"Do not steal anymore."

"Thanks, bruh, we do not care"



He go...

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.
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in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.
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You can’t blame anyone else for falling in your driveway

That’s your own asphalt.
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What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<
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I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.
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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting

Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom
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In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...
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I have a friend who can’t seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy.

Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.
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I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.
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According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona
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Who should be blamed for the cold streak in Texas?

The Texans -
League championships (0)
Conference championships (0)
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Jason Mraz is to blame for Thanos

Just like everybody else in the Galaxy, Thanos got that damned song stuck in his head, but to the Universe’s dismay, he misunderstood it as “Halve it all.”
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Don't blame me....

I voted for Kodos.



- The Simpsons.
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Don't blame the holidays,

you were fat in August.
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My wife blames me for two things...

Mainly that I often do not listen to her, and she was also saying something else…
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A book fell on my head today

I only have my shelf to blame
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Trump blames the Canadian PM sometimes

But it’s not always Trudeau
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A cemetery raises its costs and blames it on the cost of living

Indeed a grave situation
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A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...
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My friend blamed himself for creating a fight club

I told him "Don't beat yourself up"
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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

Did you hear about the man who blamed arithmetic for his divorce?

His wife put two and two together.
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Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.
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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.
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Blame the dog

A guy goes to pick up his date for the prom.
His dates' dad answers the door.

Dad: come in, let's talk.

The guy takes a seat next to his date's dog sparky. He really has to fart... Though he tries his best to hold it, he accidentally lets a small fart out.

pop!

Dad:...

Did you hear about that one animal who was blamed for freeing all his friends at the petting zoo?

He was an escapegoat
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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

As a metal worker, I always get blamed for passing gas....

Because whoever smelt it, dealt it.

I came up with this while welding a base for a table.
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You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.
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A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...
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Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.
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America's waterways are increasing in salinity and I know who's to blame.

Who else but Fortnite players could be responsible for so many salty streams.
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We can't really blame Donald Trump...

I mean look at China; they built a wall and have almost no Mexicans.
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Why can't we blame all Stingrays for Steve Irwin's death?

Because hating all of them would clearly be an example of Ray-cism.
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How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll sit in the dark and blame the Jews

My friend said that Donald Trump had found someone to blame over the Corona virus outbreak...

I asked him,'Who?'
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Don't blame Trump for this immigration policy,

Lady Liberty tried to come over from France 130 years ago and they still haven't let her in!
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I don't blame pedophiles all the time,

After all, there's a child in all of us.

Girls fart too

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more...
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There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...
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Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.
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Who is more to blame for all the controversy in the White House?

The blonde with the big tits or Stormy Daniels?

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“...

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
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What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd
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A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.

The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."
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As a Dad, it breaks my heart to see how quick my kids are to blame others.

They get that from their mother.
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Who was the first president that didn't blame anything on his predecessors?

George Washington
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I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude...

... but I don't care.
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What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed
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I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices

and blame the cost of living
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A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.
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My dad passed away a few months ago, today would've been his 61 birthday. Blame him for my sense of humor.

My sister messaged me. "How are you doing?"
I Responded. "My elbow hurts and I have a cold sore on my tongue."
"Two lessons learned, don't fight a hooker and don't kiss one."

Super deflect..
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why don't people care when your books fall on the floor?

Because you only got your shelf to blame
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The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor
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