Do oranges chose to become juice?

Or do they get pressed to it?

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

You guys had three stimulus checks to fix that AC and you chose crab legs

Look who’s boiling now

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Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.

Remains to be seen.

What do you call the Scottish boy who's crush chose another boy over him?

Second to Lass

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

I chose not to go to the doctor for my skin irritation.

It was a rash decision.

My dad asked me why I chose to take up window cleaning as a profession.

I told him it was the only job I could really see myself doing.

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

The people who chose Saturn's name were spot-on.

It really has a ring to it.

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

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A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

Guy chose a crossbow instead of bow.

It was a bolt decision.

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For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

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Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.

But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fa...

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Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.

The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in ...

Why did The White Stripes chose that name?

Because calling themselves Cocaine Lines was too on the nose.

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

The Illiterate Farmer

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ...

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An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

People ask me why I chose to teach Maths rather than English. I tell them,

“Fractions speak louder than verbs.”

I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

American Airlines

I'm like the American Airlines of dating, we understand you had other options of relationships and we're sorry you chose us.

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

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My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son’s biology teacher

A father chose to quiz his son...

Father: There was a plane carrying 500 bricks. One fell off. How many were left?

Son: 499

Father: Correct!

______________________________________________________________________________

Father: How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?

Son: Um… Cut it up?
...

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An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

Trump chose his Secretary of Defence

But who will be Secretary of De Wall?

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

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The Man who Chose Heaven Instead of Hell

Evan O'Reilly was known throughout America as a truly exceptional man. As the curer of several diseases, the discoverer of many life supporting planets, and the inventor of many new robotics, he was given an option as he neared his death. He was visited by the Angel of Death when he was 108 (his new...

Why I Chose my Internet Provider

I chose Cox. At least they are honest about who they are.

I asked my parents why they chose me.

They said they ask themselves that too

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

You have to chose between your SO and one million dollars.

What is the first thing you would buy?

Jhingalala

Two explorers in a jungle were caught by fierce tribe for encroaching their sacred land. The first guy was brought before the high council and given an option jhingalala or death. He chose the first option. All the men of the tribe took turns screwing him till he lay crumpled at the end of the ordea...

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I am sure I chose the right song for Richard's funeral

Lonely Island - Dick in a Box

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A native Indian was asked by his son how the tribe chose names

Well son, I’m Running Bear, because when I was born your grandfather came out of the tepee and saw a bear running through the forest. And your mothers farther, saw a Red hawk in the sky and so that’s why she is called Little Red Hawk. Anyway why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking ?

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

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6000 languages in the world

And you chose to talk shit

Three ropes walk into a bar...

They all sit down at a table and one of the ropes says “you guys stay here, I’ll go order the drinks.”

That rope then goes to the bar and the bartender says to him “It’s company policy to not serve ropes here.”

The rope then reruns to the table dejected and tells his buddies “Sorry g...

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My guidelines for whether or not to have sex with a female were the same as how I chose outdoor sports.

If there was grass on the field, I played ball.

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A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife.

He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...

In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project.

I heard it was the bomb.

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

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I once got the opportunity to choose between a big dick and a better memory

Of course i chose better memory, why would I need another son?

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An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row

When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

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A man and his wife were face to face with the devil

He told them, u will make any bet with me, if I win I take both of your souls, if you win, you go free

The husband instantly knew the bet he could make

He told the devil "I bet you can't give me a blowjob better than my wife"

The wife was confused along with the devil

The...

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A genie once told me I could get an amazing memory and a small dick, or a huge dick and awful memory.

And I remember exactly what I chose.

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party.

His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor. She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.

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A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

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There was an unlucky man,

Who got only one testicle.

He got on an airplane once. The airplane broke down mid-air. Somebody had to jump out. They drew lots to decide who is going to jump. Unlucky man was chosen.
He didn't accept, so they drew again and chose the unlucky man again. He didn't accept this too. They cho...

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I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

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The teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher,”what sound does sheep make?”

“Baaaa” answered Jimmy.

She continued this for...

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Truck driver

One a normal day of trip, truck driver realized that his brake system was busted, and he was going full speed. He knew, he had to stop the truck somehow.

So he decided to get off the road and crash into something

He looked right, there was little boy in an empty field, alone.

H...

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejec...

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

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At birth, I was given a choice - either be born with a great memory or a huge dick.

I can't say I remember what I chose.

A man asked his brother to name his soon to be born twins.

The brother said that he would be honoured to do so.

When the twins came, the man asked his brother which names he had chosen.

“I chose Denise for the girl.” The brother said.

“That’s a nice name. What did you call the boy?” The man replied

“I named him De-nephew” The br...

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When Hitler was in his bunker...

He chose brains over Braun

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God asked Ron Jeremy if he wanted a big dick or a good memory

I asked him which one he chose and he said I forgot.

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A woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the ...

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

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A man decided to join the army

During his first day of weapons training, a Platoon Sergeant chose him to be an example of the platoon.

Sergeant: "Alright private, what's your name?"
Private: "Jackson Parts, sir!"
Sergeant: "Okay private Parts! Show us what you got!"

The whole platoon laughed for a while, but s...

I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early

I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work

A man dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the pearly gates, and he sees two lines: one labeled "Predestination" and the other labeled "Free Will." The man, being a good five-point Calvinist, gets in the "predestined line." He waits his turn and gets to the front, and the angel asks him "Why are you in the predestined line?" Guy g...

A captain asked his doctor which weavel he would choose

The doctor inspected the weevils and chose the right one because it was longer and stronger but the captain was disappointed and told the doctor “in service you must always chose the lesser of two weevils”

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

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A man was diagnosed with infertility

Even after trying several meds he couldn't find cure. One day he was suggested by a friend to visit a miraculous hermit outside the town who claimed to cure all kinds of ailments. The man visits the hermit and describes his problem.

The hermit said: "I have a solution. Here are 2 magical cond...

An angel appears to a man in a dream...

The angel offers him a choice - He can have the Wisdom of Solomon, or $50,000,000. Believing that this was a test from God, the man choses Wisdom.

The next morning, the man is having breakfast with his friends and he recants the story to them. When he’s finished, one friend says, “If you’re ...

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Son: Dad, am I adopted?

**Dad:** No. Why the fuck would I chose you?

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A man decided to go hunting...

He drove up to the wilds and stopped at a hunting supply shop. The owner sold the man a precision hunting rifle and then the man went out to hunt. He’d read lots of information about hunting, picked his spot downwind of the watering hole and he waited... and waited.

He was surprised by a ta...

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

Professor of Philosophy

At the school-wide faculty meeting, an angel appeared suddenly.

The angel said to the head of the philosophy department:

"I can give you wisdom, beauty, or 10 million dollars, choose one of the three."

The professor chose wisdom without thinking

After a flash of lig...

I was playing Oregon Trail

I met a man named Terry. I chose to laugh at him for having such a girlie name. He pulled out a gun and shot me.

I died from dissin' Terry.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

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A man died and went to Hell...

The devil said, " I will show you three rooms and the one you choose is the one you will spend an eternity."

The devil opened the first door and the man saw people doing handstands in knee deep of shit. He asked to see the next room. Inside the second room he saw people doing jumping jacks in...

My girlfriend said we should each pick a "hall pass", just in case we ever met that person.

I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor.

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks su...

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