"Hmm," I said to the fishmonger, examining the selection. "I've got the munchies, I will eat any of these."

"Smoked trout?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "Just a little bit of weed."

Natural Selection

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the...

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection

After all, no one wants a hung jury

The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:

You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.

Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection

We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...

What did the creationist student say when asked why he didn't have his homework on natural selection?

My dogma ate it.

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart.

It's the only way I'll see my family again.

What do you call a random selection of sailors?

A seamen sample

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

Will and the Narnidian

There was once a little shopkeeper that lived in Narnidia who sold various 'crafted' items. Eventually, he decided (for one reason or another) that he needed to move to the US. After moving, his very first customer walks in. The shopkeeper says, in a friendly manner, "Name?" The guy says "Will." Th...

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

Blonde in a bar

A blonde walks into a bar and proceeds to the Coke machine in the corner.  Puts in her change, makes her selection, and out comes a Coke.  She does this again...same result.  She continues on and begins to pile the Cokes up against the wall.  This goes on for hours. 
At 2:00 am people begin to...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.


After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables ...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. "Good Luck to ye, Brian!" They called a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at a mall and sees a Mexican book store.

Curious, he walks in to see the selection, and wonders if they have the book he's looking for. So he goes up to the shop owner and asks "do you have the latest book by Donald Trump?"

The shop owner states at him in confusion for a second and yells "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"

Man ...

Repainting the White House

There was an open call for repainting the White House and 3 businessmen applied. One was from China, one was from Germany and one was from Albania. The Chinese asked 3 million dollars to do the job, the German asked 7 million and the Albanian asked 9 million. During the selection phase they asked th...

What killed the anti vaxxer's kids?

Natural Selection

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time I bought him a pint of bitter,

he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager,

same thing,

cider same thing,

alcopops, same thing.

I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off,

so we finally went home.

How the fuck I ...

What do Tide Pods taste like?

Natural Selection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is desperately looking for a husband, but she happens to stumble upon a stores that sells men.

The woman can't believe her luck, and runs inside. On the first floor, there is a sign that reads:

"Welcome to the Husband Store! There are 9 floors in all, but be warned: once you go past a floor, you're not allowed to go back down. You either make a purchase, or leave empty handed."

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

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Hotel Vending Machine

One time I was in a hotel and I was trying to get something out of one of those vending machines where you pull the rod corresponding to your selection. It was stuck so I was pulling and pulling and pulling when my hand slipped off the knob. A very buxom young lady was walking past and my elbow acci...

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Room 67

So on a man’s 18th birthday, his father gave him $20 and a pack of condoms and said
“Go to the brothel and have some fun, son. But whatever you do, do not ask for room 67.”

The son agrees and goes to the brothel. The lady at the counter grinned at him and said
“Welcome to the brothel! W...

2 old ladies at a nursing home

There's two older ladies sitting on a park bench outside their nursing home chatting it up and having a few cigarettes when it suddenly starts to rain.

One of the ladies is moving around her umbrella and trying to hold up her coat to keep her cigarette from getting wet but it's not working to...

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashie...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

4 friends in their 20s....

Four friends in their 20s go to a new restaurant, Sands, because they've never been there before.

10 years later, they reunite and go back because the waitresses were so pretty.

In their 40s, they decide to go again because of the amazing wine selection.

Another 10 years pass an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."
The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'll take the red one."

A woman enters an adult toy store. She wanders around a bit, looking at lingerie and videos and magazines. She spends a long time at the section selling dildos, carefully examining packages and peering into display cases.

Finally, she approaches the sales counter. The clerk asks her, "Have yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar,

the bartender greets him and asks: "what can i get you?"

The duck replies, "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't have any white bread, I can offer you a fine selection of wines and beers though. What can I get for you?"

The duck replies: "A slice o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Middle eastern woman moves to America...

...and visits a grocery store for the first time. Amazed by the selection and variety, she wanders the store before stopping in produce.
As she stocks her cart up with fresh fruits and vegetables, she stops dead walking by a bin of potatoes. Picking up one in her hand, she shakes her head and say...

Brewery managers go to a bar

In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said:
- Por favor, Senor, could i ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

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Dirty: A boy was dragging his frog

A 10 year old boy walked into his local brothel dragging a dead frog on a string. The madam answered the door and asked the boy what he wanted.
"I want to have sex with one of your ladies", Said the boy.
"Well we have a fine selection, take your pick son", replied the madam.
"I hear the men...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the am...

A life long union supporting man decides to take a trip to Vegas...

When he arrives he decides he is going to look into the brothels that he has heard about. He walks into one and calls the Madam over. "Is your brothel union? He asks. "Nope." replies the Madam. "What is the house cut?" He asks. "The house gets 70% and the girls get 30%" He shakes his head in d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Old Man and the Radical Erectile Dysfunction Surgery

An elderly man in his late seventies had a near death experience. He'd never married, and furthermore had never even attempted to have sex, and decided that he'd waited long enough. It was time to start dating.

During his next doctors visit, he shared with the doctor his plans, so the doctor...

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A new study finds that women who claim to enjoy giving blowjobs are less likely to be bitches.

In other news, University comes under attack after conducting terrible research. Chairman of the Nobel prize selection committee, James J. Jameyjames made this statement earlier today: "Well, fucking duh."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

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A biker goes to a Harley shop to purchase a new motorcycle...

...and the salesman catches him browsing the selection of bikes they offer. He focuses on a really nice Harley Davidson with some nice chrome parts. The salesman approaches him and says: "I see you have your eyes on one of our most beautiful machines." "Yeah, this one I wanna buy!". "Excellent choic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Voodoo Dick (NSFW)

A husband comes home to his wife and informs her that he has to go out of town for a couple of weeks for business. This being his first time away from home for so long he was worried that his wife may get lonesome and need some intimate attention while he is gone. The next day he goes to the local s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.

She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."

The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."

She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a few lighter-side "yo momma" jokes

in general, the vast majority of "yo momma" jokes I hear are simply nasty or mean, with the only "humour" lying in the gross factor and/or the insulting nature of the dig (obviously those belong in /r/insults). but every now and then I hear a good one that makes me genuinely laugh, usually because o...

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For all my military personnel

A SEA/L, PJ and a Green Beret all are trying to make Delta. The last phase of the selection process comes up and the instructor says "Alright men, you've come a long way. But you can't have any emotional ties to distract you. Behind each of these three doors, is each of your wives with her hands ti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man named Phil takes a trip to a remote spanish country...

... and in this country, Phil is greeted with wonderful examples of fine spanish art, in a multitude of forms. One thing he finds incredibly interesting are the bullfights. The health and safety protocol of these events are surprisingly low, so often the matches between man and beast are fought to t...

Horse in a bar.

A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.

The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'

The...

as i get to the soda machine...

... I find a blonde already there. She puts in some change, makes a selection, and the soda pops out at the bottom of the machine. She then puts in more change, makes a selection, and again, another soda appears.

This goes on for several minutes and I finally ask if I could step in and get a...

There was a fire at the supermarket I work at today.

We now offer a large selection of smoked goods.

What is the difference between pick and choose?

To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

Turkey Joke

A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving.

She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The...

A southern minister decides to give a temperance sermon one day

Toward the end of the sermon, he says: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" And most of the congregation nodded their heads in approval.

Even louder, he shouts: "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" T...

I think a cool anti-hero would be Aeon Netflux

...except during fights she would stop every 2 minutes to "rebuffer", and her selection of moves would be extremely limited.