UPJOKE
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What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese

A cheesy pickup line

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

**They gave me another one free of charge.**

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

My wife's just walked out on me, saying she cant take any more of my insufferable nit picking.

I think you'll find there's a hyphen in nit-picking.

A vulture is picking at some roadkill on the street

A cop comes up to the vulture and shouts, "Hey! What are you doing?"

Startled, the vulture responds, "I'm just eating here."

"Oh," the cop says, "carrion"

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

I used to have a hard time picking up girls before I started working out

Now I can toss them in the back of my van no problem.

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

Hitchhiker: Thanks for picking me up, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer?

Driver: Well, what would be the odds of two serial killers in the same car?

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

I picked up a hitch hiker

The man got in my car and said "Thank you for picking me up, but I mean how do you know I am not a serial killer or something?"

I said "I don't know for sure, but the chances of 2 serial killers being in one car would be astronomical"

Saw this on Quora months ago.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

I was gutted yesterday when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

Smoking in the Rain

Two elderly women, Beatrice and Gertrude, are sitting on the front porch one day having a smoke when it starts to rain. Beatrice pulls a condom out of her pocketbook and puts it over then end of her cigarette. Gertrude is confused and Beatrice explains that it keeps the cigarette from getting wet. S...

Picking sides

A couple walks into a bar on steak night and both decide to order the steak dinner. But, they can't decide between the optional baked potato, mashed potatoes or French fries that are offered with it. After a spirited debate on the merits of each, they ask for help. "Excuse me, waiter," the young man...

(OC) A horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. He sits down and notices that the bartender is a very large lion who's having trouble picking up his comparatively tiny liquor bottles because he doesn't have fingers.

The lion bartender says "Hi," then stares at the horse for an entire minute.

The lion bar...

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the lit...

I always have trouble picking a font

Every font I look at, I think, "Nope, this one's not my type."

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

Why is the hound dog rich?

Because he’s always picking up scents

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