UPJOKE
photographshotpicturefilmphototelephotographmovieartistflickscenecameraphotographerphotomicrographvignettesnapshot

Picking Jokes

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

My girlfriend was picking a bra to buy when I said "Bras dont suit you, your too flat"

My girlfiend then said "Well, you wear briefs right?"

A driver picks up a hitchhiker.

Hitchhiker: "Thanks for picking me up. Most people won't. How do you know I'm not a serial killer?

Driver: "What are the odds... Two serial killers in the same car?"

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese

A cheesy pickup line

Picking sides

A couple walks into a bar on steak night and both decide to order the steak dinner. But, they can't decide between the optional baked potato, mashed potatoes or French fries that are offered with it. After a spirited debate on the merits of each, they ask for help. "Excuse me, waiter," the young man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,

“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee??”

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

A vulture is picking at some roadkill on the street

A cop comes up to the vulture and shouts, "Hey! What are you doing?"

Startled, the vulture responds, "I'm just eating here."

"Oh," the cop says, "carrion"

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker

I always have trouble picking a font

Every font I look at, I think, "Nope, this one's not my type."

"My GF said picking my nose is disgusting", a man told his friend. "So what?" his friend replied.

The guy answered "Now I have to do it myself"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

My wife's just walked out on me, saying she cant take any more of my insufferable nit picking.

I think you'll find there's a hyphen in nit-picking.

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking a wife (long)

There is a man. A rich man. He has three beautiful girlfriends and he wants to marry one of them. He has to leave for business for a year and decides to set up a little test to see which one he should marry. He gives all of them $100,000 and tells them he will be back in a year.

A year goes ...

I used to have a hard time picking up girls before I started working out

Now I can toss them in the back of my van no problem.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking a scab is like masturbating

You don’t tell anyone your doing it until you start to bleed.

My son was picking his nose earlier..

I told him to make up his mind and choose one.

This wind is really picking up and it's quite chilly

Yeah, I'm not a fan

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

People should stop picking on anti-vaxxers...

....After all, they’re practically defenseless!

A group of numbers were picking on 8 and he really h8'd it.

But when they pushed him over he felt infinitely worse.

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking the middle urinal

...is a real dick move.

I picked up a hitch hiker

The man got in my car and said "Thank you for picking me up, but I mean how do you know I am not a serial killer or something?"

I said "I don't know for sure, but the chances of 2 serial killers being in one car would be astronomical"

Saw this on Quora months ago.

Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.