UPJOKE
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…

Think I nailed it!

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

Immanuel doesn't pun.

He Kant.

A terrible pun

What is a mathematicians favourite food?

Pie

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

I entered 10 puns to a pun contest hoping one of them would win...

... But no pun in ten did

My dad doesn't really like puns, so we told him our top 10 to see if any could make him laugh...

No pun in 10 did.

What did the Dad Joke tell his pun-in-law about how to raise his grandchildren.

It'll come naturally when you're full groan. After all, that's when a joke's pun becomes a parent.

I'm ashamed to share my most recent math pun..

It's | garbage |

Pun Fact

If you accidentally inhaled an edible… you would have high aspirations.

What does a good Jewish pun receive?

A standing oy-veytion.

NOTE: Joke is meant with the greatest respect and love.

A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

Puns make me numb.

Math puns make me number.

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.



I won't let this d-fetus.

A pun walks into a room…

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they take everything literally.

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

A man decided to enter a local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that one would win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did…

I take my puns VERY seriously

(no fun intended)

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

I once wrote an entire theater production based on puns.

It was a play on words.

Funny country-name pun (it’s of a small little-known country so don’t worry)

So there’s his country between France and Spain. It’s so tiny, it’s Andorra-ble.

Some very beefy puns...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

>!ground beef.!<

What do you call a cow with one leg?

>!Steak. !<

What do you call a cow with two legs?

>!Lean beef. !<

What do you call a cow with three legs?

>!Tri-tip. !<

What ...

so... about geology puns

So, right, geology puns need to hit ***hard*** , i suppose.. To make the jokes better you can add a ***layer*** into it, the delivery should be ***segmented*** and indicated to make it easier to understand the joke, you don't always need to fulfil this instruction tho, i mean we didn't need to do no...

I saw a pun on this sub and I don’t get it.

I guess I just reddit wrong.

Business Trip Pun

A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.

He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

What happened to the all of the good chemistry puns?

The best chemistry puns argon.

I have a pun about Elton John

It's a little bit funny...

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick Walk Into a Bar

No Joke

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God !!!

OFFICER: Most likely yes

My wife said she would divorce me if I didn't stop my cheese related puns.

It's no fondue be married to such a Munster anyways.

I was going to make a pun about Elizabeth the 1st's menstrual cycle...

But I don't like making period jokes, because not everyone gets them.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway. (rim shot…no pun intended)

Did you know Gregorian monks aren't allowed to make puns?

They cant

Gonna be getting on the trend of binary puns and going to be writing 10000000 binary puns.

Update: Sometimes I byte off more than I can chew.

A fly feels a bug on its back!

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I mite be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

A horsey pun for you :)

What does a horse do to slow down for a glass of wine? It de-canters!

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

A tree pun

Why can't you be in a same room with trees?
Because they'll leaf

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stupid pun i just thought of

A boy comes home to his dog after being a weekend away at the beach as he plops onto his bed he takes a big sniff and asks himself:
“did the dog crap or am i just imagining shit?”

My wife hates me because I make too many Pokemon puns

She's just Shellos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.


The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

If I hear one more pun about whales,

I’m gonna krill myself

I tried to find a pun about carpentry

But nothing wood work.

I'm trying to write this pun about yoga

But it's just not working out

Ya I know it's a stretch

Microsoft humor

Boss: How good are you at Power Point?

Me: I Excel at it

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word

I have a space pun

But i need a little more time to planet

Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

Bad pun #3

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop but when I got home all the signs were there.

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I’ve heard a lot of puns in my lifetime, some great, others horrible

But I think the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

Happy cake day to me

If you can't think of a good guitar pun...

Don't fret.

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!


PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

What does Yoda do when he hears a pun?

He forces a laugh

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

My wife had asked me to stop using police related puns..

I guess I’ll give them “ arrest”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

What's the difference between a pun and a fart?

A pun is a shift of wit.

I don't know why I love bad puns so much.

It's just how eye roll.

I feel like there is good pun potential...

in the intersection of weigh, way, and whey, but I can't quite get it to come out smoothie.

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

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