UPJOKE
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Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

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I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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What’s the difference in a Bud light and a clitoris?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

What is Donald Trump’s Spy Name?

Agent Orange!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?

Trouble.

My wife said I’m the only one she’s ever been with

The rest were eights and nines.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I can’t stop singing “I’m A Believer”

I thought she was joking at first.

And then I saw her face…

What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

“Where on Earth have you been?!"

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

1forrest1.

Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.

She showed it to her husband when he got home.

He handed it back to her without a word.

She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

What’s the difference between Apples and orphans

Apples get picked

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

What’s a religious saying atheists can agree with?

“He who fears god has nothing to fear”

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What is Gordon Ramsay’s favourite movie?

Its fucking FROZEN!!

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A tractor.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

What’s the difference between Jesus’ crucifixion and a cow?

You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.


She shouted at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I joined a dating sight for arsonist’s…

They sent me a lot of matches.

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What food makes woman’s sex drive go down?

Wedding cake

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

Ok what’s the difference between the Titantic and California?

At least the lights were on when the Titanic sank.

Thank you, tip your bartenders ladies and gents…..

What’s the difference?

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

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What’s the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke!

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

If H2O is what’s inside a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9-P

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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?

The taste.

What’s the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?

The velociraptor can open doors.

Jesus’s name was going to be Frank

Then Joseph stubbed his toe and the rest is history

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The joke I always think of when asked “what’s your favourite joke?”

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They’ve started pronouncing the silent ‘k’ in words. Those kniving bastards!

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino?

They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!

Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs

But it’s also their biggest import

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.



j/k…rolling.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple always gets picked

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?

One’s a crusty bus station, the other’s a busty crustacean.

Let’s have a drink together

After a Beer Festival in London, several brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president say...

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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where the cucumber goes.

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

What’s the difference between a penguin and a priest?

I’m not scared when my kids are alone with a penguin.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!

What’s worse than a worm in your apple?

That’s right, it’s malaria.

What’s a skeleton in a closet?

Someone who won at hide and seek.

What’s the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse?

Plants

I really hate the fact that after the Queen’s death the Australian coins are being updated..

But then again, I don’t like change.

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

Bert’s new boots

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home:

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”

Frustrated, ...

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There’s two things that I love in this world…

tits

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union...

then that's a red flag

What’s the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

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A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

Why did Jabeur lose the U.S. Open Tennis final?

She was Iga to play, but she just couldn't turn it ons.

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I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

What’s sweaty has really tidy nails and smells like bacon

Miss piggy’s puppeteer

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it’s fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer...

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What do you call an Instagram model’s ass crack?

Silicon Valley

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

What‘s the medical term for fear of palindromes?

Aibohphobia.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

What’s the most remarkable invention of the last century?

The whiteboard.

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

Let’s play Clue: Royal Edition

I’m guessing Charles, with a pillow, in the bedroom.

There’s a kitchen appliance knocking at my door…

I’ll let that sink in.

What’s 3 inches long and hasn’t been sucked in 10 years?

Whitney Houstons crack pipe

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfather’s assets are Frozen.

No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

Grip…. Lol

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

If you’re being erotic you use a feather.

If you’re being kinky you use the entire chicken.

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and cake days?

Most Redditors have had at least one cake day.

What’s a survivalist’s favorite soda?

Dr.Prepper

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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Did you hear about the porn star’s favorite classic novel?

It’s entitled “Catch Her In The Eye.”

What’s Captain Hook’s favorite style of comedy?

Deadpan

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

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Trump’s third marriage is successful for one simple reason:

He and Melania agreed to have sex in different locations.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed;

she went out to get a second opinion.

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An elderly couple are at the doctor’s office for their annual checkup.

The husband goes in first. After the doctor runs all of his tests, he tells the man that all was well. The man says:

“Thank you doctor, but I won’t be coming around here no more. God will take care of me the rest of the way.”

The doctor looks at the man, a bit puzzled and says: “Ho...

What are a donkey’s pronouns?

he/haw

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

3 jokes told to me by an older gentleman at the grocery store

Have you heard the one about the jump rope? That’s OK we’ll skip it.

Have you heard the one about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Do you know why blind people don’t skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

Backstory: I have pretty severe PTSD and things like running t...

I’ve heard it’s impressive to keep your Reddit account more than a year without being banned.

To me it’s a piece of cake.

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Did you know that the Grim Reaper sneaks into everyone’s bedroom at night and jerks off? It’s true!

Death comes to us all.

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What’s the difference between a boring bird and an ancient dildo?

One’s a woodpecker and the other’s a wood pecker.

My friend who’s father is a multi-billionaire

My friend whose father is a multi-billionaire loves to talk about his extravagant lifestyle. One day, I asked him just exactly how large is the land owned by his father.
He answered “I’ll give you an idea, I can start driving at one end of the land in the morning at full speed, in one direction...

What are Dolores Umbridge’s pronouns?

*Hem/hem*

What’s the difference between Vitamin C and your mother’s sister wetting her pants?

One's an antioxidant and the other's an auntie accident.

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What’s a cat’s favorite part of a video game?

The PAWS button!

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain...

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

What’s a trans woman’s favorite kind of chocolate?

Her/she

what do kids with tourette’s and tall grass have in common?

ticks

A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man “I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck.

The man replied, “Yeah, but she has a great personality”

What do you call an elephant that’s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

I check my girl’s phone every day

I have to make sure she’s not talking to Pete Davidson

there’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight.

the parents aren't home.

What’s the difference between a serial killer and a politician?

The body count

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

All four Metallica members are sitting on a couch, with Lars being right next to the telephone. As it rings, Cliff goes to pick it up. What’s the problem?

It should have been Lars.

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

What do you call a Clown’s Balls?

Jestercles

What’s black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

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There’s a circus in town

There’s a new circus in town and during the first show the announcer threw a challenge at the audience:

“This is our new elephant Manny, whoever can make him sit wins 1000 dollars! Anyone want to try?”

A few people put their hands up and tried but no one could accomplish this task, unt...

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Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first

It’s ok i will come inside..

At the restaurant, my girlfriend suddenly told me, “It’s over between us.”

Me: Why?

Her: For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke

when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she y...

A man yells to his waiter: “There’s a pubic hair in my soup!”

Waiter: “No reason to be so upset, it is just a hair”
Man: “I understand, it’s just a little hair, but i prefer things with right timing!”
Waiter: ”And how’s that?”
Man: ”Let’s say you go down on your wife, would you be ok finding a spaghetti?”

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an American and an Australian are in a pub...

And the Frenchman says, "When I make love to my wife she’s in such ecstasy her body rises centimetres off the bed."

The American, not to be outdone, replies, "When I have sex with my wife she’s having so much fun she rises inches off the bed."

They both then look at the Australian and ...

Have you heard that Queen Elizabeth’s heir no longer will go by his given name?

That’s right. From now on he would like to be called “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince”

Moses and Jesus are sitting in a boat on a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
<...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

What’s the best place in the house to hide from ghost?

The living room!

I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

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