UPJOKE
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BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A Pool Table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

How do you know if you’ve met one of Dolly Parton’s kids?

They have stretch marks around their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland

What’s a stormtrooper’s favourite store?

The one right next to the Target

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

Edna Mode has been to fashion shows across the global, but there’s one place she will never visit…

Cape Town

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

BMW have pricks on the inside.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

What do you call a gangster who’s always on the hunt for a good deal?

Al Coupon

What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.

That’s a nice ham you have there…

It would be a shame is someone added a ‘s’ and a ‘e’ to it.

What spund does James Bond’s doorbell make?

Dong. Ding Dong

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

A guy went to a barber’s shop for a shave...

The barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.


He asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”


He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not..

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

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What do you call a cow with Parkinson’s?

Beef jerky

What’s your favorite “yo mamma” joke?

One of my favorites: your mama’s armpits are so hairy it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

Wife: i can’t take it anymore. You have to choose if it’s either me or the alcohol. Which is it?

Husband: it’s you, I can tell by the voice

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What’s the difference between the dollar and the pound?

I didn’t dollar your mom’s ass last night.

Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there’s no training.

The boss said I’ll pick it up as I go.

What’s the largest city in America?

Obesity

My dad asked me, “What’s your favorite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

He said, “wow! Don’t be rude. It was just a question.”

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If Dick’s Sporting Goods and Kay Jewelers were merge, what would their slogan be?

Every Kiss begins with Dick’s?

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

What’s a taxidermist do for fun?

Stuff

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

John was attending his buddy’s wedding and everything was normal…

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced ...

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What’s the difference in a Bud light and a clitoris?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

When you turn 61, the next year feels like it’s only a minute long …

… because it’s your sixty-second year.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

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What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

What’s the difference between korma and karma?

One’s your dinner, the other is your just deserts.

What’s Mozart’s current occupation?

Decomposer

What do you call Winnie the Pooh’s grandmother?

Poohnanny

If I were Bruce Banner’s son, the Incredible Hulk wouldn’t exist

“I’m not angry…I’m just disappointed”

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

Answer: The taste.

My friend Jack’s special talent is communicating with legumes.

Jack and the beans talk.

What’s the most masculine fruit?

Chestnuts.

What is the difference between Jesus and Jesus’s painting?

It took only one nail to hang his painting

Don’t ever tug on a man’s hairpiece..

There will be hell toupee!

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.

What’s the difference between your granny and your granary?

One is your born kin and the other is your corn bin.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear the other a great year

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

It is the c they love

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowmen have snow balls.

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

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Why is Santa’s sack so full?

He only cums once a year.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

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What’s your because no one else was there no one will believe it story?

For me it’s when I lost my virginity.

So there’s this guy, richest man in the world…

Has everything he’s ever dreamed of and becomes sad. He decides to end his life since nothing else can make him happy. Down below he finds an armless man dancing, and wonders why someone with no arms is dancing. How can someone be so happy ? He then goes down below to ask why is he dancing, and the ...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman

with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 d...

Donald Trump’s daughter got married this weekend

For her “something blue,” he gave her Nevada

what’s the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

one’s a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

My friend got a Scandinavian car but he keep complaining about all the problems he’s having with it.

It’s a really just a “Saab story.”

What drink do Pirates get at McDonald’s?

The Hi-C!

What’s the hardest cult to join?

A difficult.

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

I told my friends that I had a date with a beautiful woman.

They laughed and said that she’s imaginary.
Jokes on them. They’re imaginary too. I don’t have any friends.

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall, when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom... When she opened the door, she found her daughter scantily clad on the bed with a vibrator.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still...

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

What is Donald Trump’s Spy Name?

Agent Orange!

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said “I overslept.” “Damn it” she yelled, “at least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”

He replied, “You’re looking lovely today”

What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?

Quite a few things

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

What’s the priciest haircut of all time?

The chemotherapy

Officer: I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck

Man: Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.

The world’s best dentist and the world’s worst pastry chef walk into a bar.

Being friends of the owner, he pours them both a drink and sits them down to catch up.

“How was your birthday?” He asks the dentist.

“It was like pulling teeth” he says with a smile.

Then the owner turns to the pastry chef.

“How was your divorce?”

“It was as easy a...

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What’s the difference between lawyers and a bucket of shit?

The bucket

What’s the most difficult thing about eating vegetables?

Swallowing the wheelchair.

What’s the best name for the wife of a marksman?

Amy

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

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A mother comes home from work to find her kids hiding behind the couch. She asks them what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Annie was in the house naked.

She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet, she discovers the...

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in the world’s heaviest light bulb?

Just one, it’s light work.

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

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What’s 18” long and hangs around an asshole!

A lawyer’s tie!

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

What is a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel!

The coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said,

\- “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

\- “What a coincidence,” the farmer said.

\- “This is a special day for me; I am cel...

What’s the difference between Florida and the Lost City of Atlantis?

A few hours.

What’s the most important part of becoming a train?

The training.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits in his doctor’s office waiting for some test results…

The doctor enters;

“So doc, what’s the prognosis?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

“Oh no, why?”

“Because I’m trying to speak to you about your results”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

So what if I can’t spell Armmagedon?

It’s not the end of the world.

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

Here's one for those born before the 1980's...

The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed.

“Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?”

The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparen...

What’s the worst thing you can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not Willie Nelson.

When my girlfriend’s father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald’s, so instead, I said …

"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"

3 women are on a ship that’s run out of fuel

There’s an island in the distance so the brunette decides to make a swim for it. She swims 100metres but drowns.

The redhead decides to have a go. She swims 500metres but drowns.

The blonde has no choice. She gets in the water, swims 1 mile and gets within 100metres of the island. She ...

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What’s yellow and really needs a shit?

Must turd

What’s an emo person’s favorite sport?

Jump rope.

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

What’s the difference between the Titanic and your mom?

They know how many men went down on the titanic.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running but can’t remember where.

What’s the difference between weasel and a stoat?

A weasel is weaselly recognised but a stoat is stoatally different.

What’s something long and hard that every Polish woman receives on the night of her wedding?

A new last name!

What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?

Trouble.

Which knight made King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference!

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

When little Johnny was about 3 he got curious and stuck his hand in a mannequin’s pants.

His is mom said, “No little Johnny there is teeth in there that will bite off your hand.”

Years later he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out and she said, “Why don’t you ever stick your hand in my pants?”

Johnny said, “Oh my mom says there’ s teeth that will bite o...

My boyfriend didn’t believe me when I told him ‘very’ is an adjective

“It’s an adverb!”

Those were his very words.

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a polite business partner and a sex worker?

A polite business partner always says « Thanks - it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. »

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I can’t stop singing “I’m A Believer”

I thought she was joking at first.

And then I saw her face…

What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?

Velcro?

How do you know if an ant’s a boy or girl?

They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and ...

What is Fred Flintstones’s favorite drink?

Yabba Dabba Dew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to Wendy’s and ordered two large fries

The asshole served me hundred tiny ones

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

A few thousand years ago an Arab guy made the very first condom out of a goat’s intestines.

A little after the Greeks perfected it by taking the organs out of the goat first.

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