This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..

He’ll be born in March.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

There’s only 1 rule in learning English

1.) Their our know rules

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(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..

What a bunch of sick fucks

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number

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Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl’s name.

He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally.

His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honor of their love and his unique name.

She was also mocked and bullied at school.

One day she couldn’t take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and scre...

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

Beethoven’s grave

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.

But it’s not hard.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sau...

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

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At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

What’s the difference between USA and Middle Earth?

Two Towers

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.

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I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister,...

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gim...

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

How do you get a farmer’s girl to like you?

A tractor.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.

He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Thank god Canada’s not the super power

or we’d all be sorry

It’s been 4 years since my last job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else

There’s two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

What’s 3 words for small

Is it in

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?

>!Spoiler!< 90108 for our lives to be over...

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear

Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Bud Light and a woman’s clitoris?

The clit only tastes like piss for a second.

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

What’s worse then ants in your pants?

Uncles.

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed

Trouble is, none of them work.

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

What are a redditor’s favourite keys on a keyboard?

ctrl, c, v.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

What’s the hardest working profession?

Morticians - after they die, they go back to work one last time!

An Englishman’s wife goes on vacation

He goes down the pub celebrate with his mates and tells them that she’s gone for seven days to a tropical island.

One of his mates asks, “Jamaica?”

The man replies, “No—she wanted to go!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

What’s the difference between a Porcupine and a BMW?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

I wanna make a joke about PP’s

but it was to hard

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender sa...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

I must have Alzheimer’s...

I must have Alzheimer’s.

Knock, knock.. Who’s there? Dishes... Dishes who?

Dishes my knock, knock joke.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s ironic that China doesn’t want us calling it “Chinese Coronavirus”.

They lay claim to just about about everything else even vaguely related to them: Tibet, Taiwan, Hong Kong, every tiny island for about 5,000 miles in any direction...

A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door



A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for ...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear!

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

Because it’s upside down

Why is this joke Australian?

My friend’s son Luke

loves that his parents chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming their kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca is less amused..

Judge : I order you to pay £10,000

MARIO : why

Judge : it’s a fine

MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

What’s yellow and can’t float?

A school bus full of kids

What’s a pirates favourite letter?

You’d think it be Arrrrr but his true love be the Seaaaa

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order. Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...

Me and my wife have different dentists…

So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?”

The gnat says, “gnat at all.”

The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard."

The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”

What’s the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber?

A grave robber doesn’t have a permit.

In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl

You don't turn your back on family

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female)

Maid: I need a raise

Owner: you already have got a raise

Maid: that was 18 months ago

Owner: why do you then deserve this raise?

Maid: I am better than you in many things

Owner: ok tell me

Maid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s a short, funny story:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese,...

What’s a Beavers favorite snack?

Wood chips.

I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years.

What’s 6.9

A really great thing ruined by a period.

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman?

The two meanings of the sentence: “What an ass!”

A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

What’s E.T short for?

...He’s only got little legs

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

What’s the best part about being a meth addict?

Only one sleep till’ Christmas.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Why are there fences around cemetery’s

Because everyone is dying to get in

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

What’s a cannibals favourite game?

Swallow the Leader

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Bird flu requires tweetment, and swine flu requires oinkment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

What follows 16 sodium atoms?

Batman

The U.S. Army introduced the first unit of specially trained combat rabbits

Hare Force One

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates

Where’s Mario’s favorite place to go on vacation?

Oahu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.

and then there’s you, without both.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I hate Valentine’s Day”

Why’s that?

“Every year my husband brings home some shitty supermarket flowers and expects me to lay on my back and spread my legs.”

Can I recommend getting a vase?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s not that I’m always horny

It’s just that you’re always beautiful!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Logan Paul and hitler

Hitler knew when to kill himself

What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?

Vegans rub it in your face for free.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a brick?

The brick can get laid

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

What’s a Mexicans favorite band?

Hispanic at the Disco!

[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

What’s the last thing you want to hear during a prostate exam?

“Pull my finger”

What’s the only thing worse than a divorce?

A stock market crash. You lose half your money but your wife is still there.

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

A sign over a gynecologist’s office

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best way to answer the phone during sex?

I cant talk now. I’m going into a tunnel.

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