UPJOKE
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S Jokes

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

Genie: What’s your first wish?

Toby: I wish I was Rich.

Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

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What’s something you can hear in both a doctor’s office and during sex?

You might feel a little prick.

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

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I ran into my wife’s ex.

He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”

I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

Reddit’s new API Costs

Yep that’s it. It’s going to price out all those apps you all use instead of the official one to read or post jokes. And I can tell you first hand, it is much tougher to copy and paste in official app.

Can we go black out on June 12-14?

What’s the difference between elon musk and a lemur?

Elon Musk made an electric car

Lemurs Madagascar

What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

It’s called a threesome because there‘s you and two other people.

A foursome is called that because its you and three other people.

I guess now we know why your mom calls you “handsome”.

What’s the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

The letter P, without it he’s irate.

What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings

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What’s the difference between a prostitute and Jesus?

The sound they make when you’re nailing them.

Happy Easter you filthy degenerates.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

What’s 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period

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What’s your name son?

The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

What’s a bukkake-lover‘s favorite fast food restaurant?

Five Guys.

Whats does /s mean?

And please, no sarcasm in the answers.

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

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What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

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What’s the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

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What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?

Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America.
Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and release in Japan.

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

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Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

Let’s hear some car humor. I’ll start:

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine’s pricks are on the outside.

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

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What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

What are a male donkey’s pronouns?

He / haw

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn’t pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “Fuck” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day

Call that luck of the IRS.

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?

Natural stupidity!

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?

Me: I wish I had a tail.

Genje: Wejrd but okay.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

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What’s the difference between the dollar and the pound?

I didn’t dollar your mom’s ass last night.

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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

Yo mamma’s so ugly...

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

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What’s the difference in a Bud light and a clitoris?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it’s 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson’s Creek?

It’s 90108 (for our lives to be over)

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

What’s an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?

Dad: Mom.

Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?

Mom: Dad.

Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

A couple go to the Zoo and stop next to a Gorilla’s cage

Husband: “Tease the gorilla like you tease me”

The wife promptly pulls up her shirt….the gorilla starts panting

Husband: “Tease him a little further like you tease me”

The wife mischievously pulls up her skirt….the gorilla is now running and jumping around

The husband ope...

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

Who’s the nicest guy the the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?…

Uncles

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

What’s the worst kind of cheese?

Click here for answer: >!Ou!<cheese

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

What’s E. T. short for?

Cos he’s only got little legs.

Let’s hear your best lawyer joke. I’ll go first.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To hold the foreskin back.

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

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It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke!

what do you call someone that doesn’t masturbate?




A liar.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

There’s a woman selling batteries in the park.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A northern fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time, …”
A southern fairy tale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…!”

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daughter’s vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with...

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

What’s always a useful comment when someone pulls a knife on you?

I see your point

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What’s his blood type?

Nurse: B positive.

Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.

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