A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

What’s the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a hot dog?

The hot dog might actually have some brains in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

If There’s Hell Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

After kissing a girl on the sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it’s their cake day just for upvotes…

You won’t catch me doing that today.

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?

The second one’s a repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.s

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”


The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.


“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the ho...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

What’s the oldest age a man can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

What’s it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room you know it’s some good shit!

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

A mom was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” Husband said: “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

I farted in my church’s confession booth

I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there are no canary’s on the Canary Islands? Same thing applies to the Virgin Islands

There are no canaries on the Virgin Islands

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

What’s the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump?

Trump would’ve charged for the kool-aid.

What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the similarity between having sex and bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you’re doomed.

What’s Forest Gump’s password?

1Forest1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectan...

What’s worse than ants in your pants?…

Uncles

What’s yellow and can’t swim

A school bus full of children.

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

she screamed at me and said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I think my wife’s cheating on me with my best friend.

He’s been miserable lately. Poor guy.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He’s called ‘Taxi Vader’

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

What’s the worst thing about being a birthday cake?

After you are set on fire, you are eaten by the hero that saved you.

what’s the past tense of seesaw?

is it seensaw or sawsaw?

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

What’s the difference between and enzyme and a hormone

You can’t hear an enzyme

What’s an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?

Dad: Mom.

Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?

Mom: Dad.

Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

What is Obi Wan Kenobi’s least favourite drink?

Absolute Vodka!

What do you call a medieval knight with one leg that’s shorter than the other?

An Angled-Saxon

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

What’s the difference between a bowling ball & my mother-in-law?

The bowling ball doesn’t have a beard.

When he was a teenager, little Johnny’s father caught him reading one of his older sister’s magazines. “Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine?” he asked.

“There’s an article that tells women where to meet men,” Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine’s cover. “I need to know where I’m supposed to be.”

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a butt plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.

The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

Favorite Math joke (NSFW). What’s the square root of 69?

8 something

What’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

You wished you were an adult.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Mikes first day of prison.

He walks into his cell, and his cellmate is sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

“Listen, first thing you need to know is that this is going to happen. Your only choice is whether is happens with spit or without spit,” says the shirtless celly.

“Well, I don’t want this to happen ...

One night, back when I was in my late 20's, I was at a bar having a cold one.

An attractive older woman - probably late 30's or early 40's - sat down next to me, and we began chatting. After a couple hours and several drinks, she asks me, "Hey, have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter?"

"No, I haven't," I reply.

"Would you like to?" she asks, ey...

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a horse who’s had sex with many horses?

A whorse

What’s ET short for?

Because he has little legs

A man got a call from his partner on the way to work, “be careful honey, there’s some lunatic driving the wrong way on the highway!”

“It’s not just one,” the husband replied, “everyone’s doing it!”

*Joke courtesy of my sibling.*

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

A father wanted to help organize his daughter’s wedding day …

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other jobs he had been given, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

It’s pretty easy to stop women from eating tide pods

But it’s a bit harder to deter gents

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Who works for an online site that’s worth billions for free?

A Reddit Moderator

I can’t believe it’s omicron season already

I still have my delta decorations up.

What’s the name of the Grimm Reaper’s dog?

Snuffles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura changes colour when they die.

Cyan-aura.

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

I signed up for my company’s 401k

but I don’t think I can run that far.

-Norm Macdonald

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

What’s the difference between R Kelly and a Tiger?

No one wants to see a tiger in a cage for the rest of its life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really struggled to find my girlfriend’s g-spot…

Turns out, her fucking sister had it!!!

My friend thinks he’s smart….

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

In another 3029 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050

What sound do Yoda’s sheep make?

Dey go baa!

Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

What’s a Frenchman’s favorite appendage?

Defeat.

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'morse Code

It’s true women do make less money than men.

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Where women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

What’s your favourite race?

Mine is the Le Mans

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

A seven foot tall woman who looks exactly like Al Gore’s wife walks into a bar

Bartender says, “I’ll bet she’s a big Tipper.”

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

What’s the first thing an arborist does in an emergency?

Triage.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

What’s the difference between ex-cons and a congressmen?

Every once in a while an ex-con passes few good bills.

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an escort and a student loan provider?

An escort will stop fucking you when you run out of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

Last time when I was in someone’s type

Last time when I was in someone’s type was when I was donating blood….

Some day, I’m going to catch whoever’s been highlighting all of my documents

Mark my words

Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you.

What do you think about me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her 40’s is checking out at the grocery store

The bagger, a good looking 18 yo guy, asks if she needs help to her car. She says, “yes, thank you.”

As they walk into the parking lot, she leans over to him and says, “you know - I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

The young guy replies, “ You’ll have to point it out ma’am. All these Asian car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “Fuck” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

Today I totally forgot the name of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband…

Today I totally forgot the name of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband…

but then it donda me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

What do you call the world’s most perfect shrubbery?

Utopiary

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"

She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play....

What’s the different between Bitcoin and my wife?

My wife doesn’t go down on me

Every time Frank went to his friend's house, he found his friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible.

“Why does your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” Frank asked his friend.

*"She’s cramming for her finals.”*

How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?

A ticking time bomb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Any body got a good go to story when on a date to make them laugh … here s mine .. true story buckle up

So I went on holiday to Benidorm with my mate Paul

Now we’re on the beach , red hot day and I’m laid there getting nicely frazzled with a cold beer in one hand and an iPhone in the other hand ,watching the sun give it its best

Now ,all of a sudden my mate Paul gets up and says
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A passenger in a cab leaned over and tapped the driver’s shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed in panic, swerved, lost control of the car and drove over the pavement stopping inches short of driving through a restaurant.



There was stunned silence in the car for a few seconds and then the driver said, “I am sorry. You really scared the daylights out of me.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

What’s the difference between a circus and 5 female line dancers without panties?

I don’t know either, but one sure is a cunning array of stunts.

What’s the difference between Americans and computers?

Americans don’t have trouble shooting

Did you hear about Salvador Dali’s brother who was a really good boxer?

His name was Muhamma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a ghost’s breasts?

Paranormal entitties.

If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it

So it’s bad manners for a person to talk with food in their mouth…

Is it also bad manners for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car?

It's butt

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

One takes photos -

- the other takes five toes.

What’s a 6.9?

Another awesome thing ruined by a period.

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can’t make a vitamin

-RIP Benny Hill

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

What’s red an bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Forward, it’s heavy. Backwards, it’s not. What is it?

A ton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

One goes Whack! “Dang!”, the other goes “Dang!” Whack!

Five secrets to Men’s happiness: 1. Find a woman who can make you laugh 2. Find a woman who can cook 3. Find a woman who really listens to you 4. Find a woman who is amazing in bed, and

5 Make sure these four women do not find out about each other

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me “How’s your home life, stable?”

I said “No, just a small house down the street”

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

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