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S Jokes

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I think the most patriotic part of the entire Super Bowl was Rihanna’s halftime performance

Because there’s nothing more American than for a woman to work while she’s pregnant.

What’s the difference between elon musk and a lemur?

Elon Musk made an electric car

Lemurs Madagascar

I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit.

I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese.

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

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What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

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What’s long and hard and has cum in the middle?

Cucumber.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

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What do you call naked men standing on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

"Cell" and its derivatives (Cellular, Cellulose, Cellulite, etc.) are the only English words where the C is pronounced like an S.

At least, I'm pretty certain.

What’s blonde brunette blonde brunette blonde brunette blonde?

A naked blonde doing cartwheels……

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

What is Goofy’s favorite brand of shoes?

Hyuck Taylors

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Who’s the Pokémon that can be found in the home of nearly every lonely adult?

Sudowoodo

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Took my wife to the doctor to find out what’s going on with her??

Took my wife to the doctor to get looked at. The doctor says it could be two things either
A) She has aids or B) She has Alzheimer’s.

I asked the doctor how easy is it to tell which one she has.

He replies take her and drop her off in the woods. If she finds her way back home don’...

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A dyslexic son asked his mum if he can have some McDonald’s for dinner.

He’s mum said ok, but only if he can spell out McDonald’s.
The son replied: Fuck it, I’ll just have some KCF!

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

There’s a woman selling batteries in the park.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn’t pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work..?

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

My wife told me she’s had it with me talking like I’m the editor of a clickbait news site.

You won’t believe what happened next.

So there’s a man I’ve been seeing for the last couple months, and honestly, things aren’t going too badly.

Problem is, no one else can see him.

Who’s the nicest guy the the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

"Just ignore them!”

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

What’s the difference between God and an electrician?

God doesn’t think he’s an electrician.

Jerry’s is naming a pizza after Andrew Tate

The small sausage

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What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

Whats does /s mean?

And please, no sarcasm in the answers.

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

What’s the opposite if Hibernation?

Goodbyebernation.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

It’s really hard for me to tell people what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

A man walks a boy into the woods. The boy say he mister it’s getting really dark and im scared

The man replied how do you think I feel I need to walk back alone

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

Why did Simba’s dad die?

Because >!he couldn’t Mufasa than the stampede. !<

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

What does garlic do when it’s hot…

It takes its cloves off

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After 20 years of marriage

After 20 years of marriage, the wife finds out that her husband has been using a strap on dildo to fuck her their entire marriage.

Angry about this, she confronts her husband. “What’s with the dildo?”

Calmly he replies, “What’s with the kids?”

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

What’s grey and not important?

An irrelephant

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

Americans are the best at solving Rubik’s Cube

They have a long history of sorting and separating colours

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

What’s Irish and stays out all summer?

Paddy O’furniture.

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

What’s the difference between a bad marksman, and a constipated owl.

One shoots but can’t hit!

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

What’s the difference between snow and a girl?

Snow is harder to plow when it’s wet.

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

What’s the difference between the Capitol building and a clown car?

A clown car is smaller and has wheels.

A man walks into a psychic’s booth…

“Can I help you?” the psychic asks. To which the man replies,

“I guess not.”

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad

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What’s the one thing you don’t want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

“I’m not Willie Nelson.”

I’ve just found out there’s an actual clinical name for the condition where you can’t sleep and just eat instead

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

A _solar_eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A _lunar_ eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…

What do you call a dog that’s freezing?

A chili dog.

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A Pool Table

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car.

The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren...

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Stalin’s Tomb

is a communist plot.

What’s the difference between the FBI and the ClA?

It's a difference of acronyms, you see.
One killed MLK, while the other killed
JFK.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Me opening and closing Reddit every 5 minutes to see if it’s back up

Just like my plumber, took its time…

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The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

What’s God’s favorite beer?

Busch Light

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips (two lips) on your organ.

What kind of neighborhood was Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks located in?

A gaited community.

What do you call a vegan who’s into BDSM?

Biodegradable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a chronic masturbator’s favorite piece of attire?

A jacket.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

What’s a pirate’s favorite kink?

Pegging

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

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I walked into my sister’s room and tripped on a stray bra.

Goddamn booby traps…

Someone just threw Potassium Chloride at me.

That’s a salt.

I might have Alzheimer’s

but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s

What’s worse than 10 ants in your pants?

One uncle.

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read

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R Kelly sentenced to another 20 years…

Bet he’s pissed.

Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?

There’s 5 seasons that exists

Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring, and Tax Season

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

What’s the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop?

Ones a busty crustacean and ones a crusty bus station

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A neo-nazi walks into a bar…

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar while lying on the ground is a mystery, but that’s what the eyewitnesses are saying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke!

what do you call someone that doesn’t masturbate?




A liar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s two muffins sitting in an oven,

The first muffin turns to the second and says “Holy crap, it’s really getting hot in here.”

The second turns to the first and says “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”

What’s the dominatrix lemon’s favorite band?

Sublime

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

I was arguing with a guy at a bar who said he was a big rock star in the 80’s

I didn’t believe him, but he was Adamant.

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “My wife masturbates at least 20 times a day. She’s out of control!"

"Never sex with me, only her vibrator. What’s wrong with her? What do you even call that?"

Doctor: “A dick shun”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

U.S. news......

In U.S. news, a Woman tries to cut of her lovers penis but instead she missed and cut his thigh.



She is currently being charged with a misdaweiner.

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

What is Forrest Gump’s favorite pasta?

Penne

My wife just said I’m not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it’s because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.

But my wife says it’s because she’s the teacher and we don’t have kids.

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

They are the same thing, silly.

What’s the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

One pricks your finger…

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

David Byrne gets elected as U.S. president.

His first act is to issue an executive order to the U.S. Mint.

To stop making cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man will fantasize that he’s having sex with someone else;

a woman will fantasize she’s having sex with anyone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

What’s a pirate’s favorite Beatles song?

“Blackbeard singing in the dead of night…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

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A husband’s gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his...

What’s the difference between you and an inhaler?

You’re breathtaking!

I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawkins’s last book.

It was about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?

It’s incest to have sex with sisters.

If Apple and Kia were to make a car together, what would it’s name be?

IKEA

I walked into my wife’s room and told a joke.

It was so good, even the closet laughed.

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome

Why the chicken’s ghost cross the road?

To come from the other side.

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

What’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s least favorite kind of wine?

Aged.

People care way too much about Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating habits.

The last time he dated a woman his age, she let him sink!

What’s a Freudian slip?

It’s where you say one thing and mean your mother.

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror…

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

What was The Mountain’s favorite fast food restaurant?

Popeyes

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

What’s the worst crime a slime creature can commit?

Gelatany

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a priest to confess.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him.

“Well, my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it looked like it ...

What’s the best meal to make for someone you’re breaking up with?

Dumplings

Want to know Quasimodo’s favorite Christmas song?

Jingle bells!

What’s the best vitamin for cancer patients?

B9

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cost of mis-communication

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for ...

What’s an Islamic persons opinion of Muhammad?

They’re allah bout him

I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules

It’s okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

What’s the slowest Nation

Procrastination

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever seen the porn version of “Gilligan’s Island?“

In the end, they all get off

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

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