A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

A Penguin is driving on a scorching day out near Nowhere, Texas

… and his car breaks down. Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop.

Mechanic says “looks like you blew a seal”. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. So the penguin asks if there's anywhere to go to cool off while he waits. Mechanic says...

How do you know if a penguin has corona?

It has to ice-olate

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

I took my penguin.

I take my penguin for a walk everyday, and eventually a police officer came up to me and said “take that penguin to the zoo immediately” the next day, I took a walk with him again and the same police officer told me “I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo” “I did, and we had so much fu...

What is a penguin’s favorite dancing style?

Pole Dancing

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



What do penguins do when they want to hookup?

Net fish and chill

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk aro...

I used to love telling jokes about penguins and ostriches

But it turns out they don't really fly around here

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

A funny story

A man had a bunch of penguins in his truck, when suddenly a police officer came and asked him what was in the truck, the man said "My penguins," The police said to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day, the police officer came back asking where the penguins were. The man said, "They're...

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

How do Penguins finish a race?

They Pengwin.

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

Penguin

A penguin goes into a pub and says to the barman ,have you seen my brother ,the barman says what does look like?

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Penguin waddle (NSFW)

I read a joke about a penguin 10 minutes ago...


Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do. She asks him how much money does he have? The guy says, "Only $10."

The prostitute says, "For $10, I can give you a penguin." The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her th...

A penguin walks into a bar.

Penguin: do you have any bread?
Bartender: no this is a bar, we serve beer, get out.
Next day, the penguin goes back into the same bar and sees the same bartender.
Penguin: do you have any bread?
Bartender: no, I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we serve beer, now get out.
The ne...

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The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."

So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets u...

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

.
.
.
.
Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

A man with penguins in his car

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots four penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven’...

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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."

The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg.

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him.

The narwhal comes and the penguin says, "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break ...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

A penguin asked his father how roads multiply

"They fork"

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

A penguin takes his car to the garage

A penguin takes his car in to the garage to get fixed and he goes to have an ice cream. The ice cream starts to melt and goes all over his face.

When he goes to pick his car up the mechanic says “you blew a seal”

The penguin says “nah it’s just ice cream!”

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

>!Lost.!<

A Penguin Farmer Breaks Down

A penguin farmer breaks down on his way to take his penguins to the zoo. A man stops and asks if the farmer needs help. “Yes” he exclaims and offers the man some money to take his penguins to the zoo. The man agrees, hitches the trailer up to his truck, and takes the penguins into town. After about ...

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

Penguin goes to the mechanic

A penguin is driving on the highway on the way to a conference when his car breaks down. He calls a tow truck who brings he and his car to a mechanic in a little nearby town. The mechanic says to the penguin “We’ll give you a call when we figure it out. Feel free to go walk around town in the mea...

Why do penguins never get married?

They always get cold feet

Once a Man sees his friend on the street

His friend has a penguin with him. They are going hand in hand. The Man greets his friend: " what the hell are you doing with the penguin?" The friend in a manner of dissatisfaction: "l found it wandering around. Then i grab its hand and i now i don't know what to do." The Man advises him to take th...

What's black and white and red all over?

Half a penguin.

A Penguin walks into a bar...

Bartender says “Hey listen, these things don’t fly around here”.

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?

"A penguin rolling down a hill"

My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard. I felt it should be shared. Lol

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says f...

I have written a book on Penguins

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

Can a penguin fly?

No, but a toucan

A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road.

He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!”

The guy replies, I know! I j...

A penguin is driving along route 66

And notices his car is acting up. So he rolls over to the first garage he finds and asks the mechanic to fix it for him. The mechanic looks at the car and says it may take a few hours to find the problem to which the penguin agrees.

While waiting the penguin decides its very hot and he'd lov...

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?

In the arctic section.

Note: my 7 yr old grand daughter made this up on the spot, after I told her this joke:
Where did Noah put the bees on the ark?
In the archives.

I think she's pretty clever.

Mr Penguin decides to go to the beach...

...as it is a beautiful hot summer day. He packs up the car and drives to the coast. Just before he gets there, the car sputters and backfires, and the engine starts to smoke. He's able to pull into an auto shop, and the mechanic tells him to come back in about 20 minutes.

Mr Penguin decides...

A Penguin is driving in his car

Suddenly, the car broke down and he needed to tow the car to the mechanic

After leaving the car to give the mechanic time to analyse it, he felt hungry and spotted an ice cream shop nearby. He ordered a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but because the store had run out of spoons, he needed to u...

A man is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights up ahead.

It transpires a lorry load of penguins has turned over. The police are frantically trying to herd the penguins off the road to safety.

As he arrives at the scene he sees an officer with a penguin under each arm. He rolls down the window and says, "Officer is there anything I can do to help?" ...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

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Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

Why do Canadians not play club penguin

Because they club seals

Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

A penguin has car trouble

He calls a tow truck and rides with the driver to a service station. Inside they also sell snacks, so he buys two ice cream sandwiches. He scarfs then both down and walks out to check on his car, neglecting to wipe his face. He asks the mechanic “what’s this issue?” The mechanic responds, “it looks ...

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

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Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

What do you do if you come across a penguin in the arctic?

Wipe it off and apologise...

Friends are a lot like penguins

If you stab them, they die

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penguin walks into a bar

And orders a glass of coke. The bar tender slides the penguin a cool can. The penguin immediately slides the can back. “Bartender, I do believe I ordered a glass.” Confused, the bar tender pours a glass of Coca Cola and the penguin gets up. A man stops the penguin and asks “Why wasn’t a can ok?” The...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

A penguin is going on a cross country trip

when suddenly his car starts making a bad sound. The penguin decides to bring it into a shop to get it looked at. While his car is getting looked at he notices and ice cream shop across the street and decides to grab a scoop of ice cream. When the penguin comes back to the shop to check on his car t...

5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."

"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."

Attendant thinks for a second and says,...

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It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his ass

One day he sat and he died

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Penguin blew a seal

Penguin stops at a mechanic because of a noise his car makes.
Mechanic-It'll be an hour before I can figure it out, head to the store across the street and get something to pass the time. So the penguin goes and grabs an ice cream cone, but without opposable thumbs its hard not to make a mess. ...

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them...

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Did you know that penguins scream during sex?

Well, I don’t think all of them do, but the ones I cornered at the zoo sure did...

Another Penguin Joke

A police officer sees an old man walking down the street with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and says, “Where did you get that penguin?” and the old man replies, “Oh, I found him a few days ago on a walk through the park, he’s my new friend!”

The officer tells the old man, “Sir, I...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

A penguins car breaks down in the middle of a desert.

The penguin pushes his car over to a small town and notices there is only a mechanic and an ice cream shop.

The mechanic sees the penguin and pulls his car into his shop.

The mechanic says: I see you have a jacked up car.

The penguin says: Yea I’m not sure what happene...

A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn't know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that's what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach....

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"

This was the best jo...

A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?

Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

A penguin runs into a bar...

Breathless with panic he catches the barman’s attention and says- “ excuse me sir but my brother has went missing, have you seen him?” To which the barman replies “what does he look like?”

Penguin Joke

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road. He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove o...

Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was pretty pissed off when I brought a penguin home.

He told me “STUFF LIKE THIS THIS WILL NOT FLY IN MY HOUSE”

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ti...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

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Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A ...

American politics is like a penguin.

It has both a left wing and a right wing. But are only good for flapping and making noises.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives o...

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

Two penguins are rowing in a desert

One says to the other, “ Where’s the paddle.”


The other replies, “Sure do.”

What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

White penguins are walking towards you and black ones are walking away.

What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell yo...

A Policeman spots a man walking with three penguins

He walks up to confront them

P: Excuse me Sir but what are doing with these penguins

M: Well we decided to take advantage of the weather and go for stroll

P: You should go take those penguins to the zoo they would love it there

The Man agrees and walks off and the next d...

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him.

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him. He turns right, turns left, crosses a street but the penguin is still following him. Annoyed, he returns home thinking about a way to get rid of the penguin, who probably escaped from the zoo. As he is walking, he sees hi...

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