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Penguin Jokes

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things w...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

They say penguins mate for their whole life

God knows where they get the stamina

A Penguin takes his car to the shop

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to...

There's a penguin driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down...

Spying a service station, he quickly pulls over and gets out to speak with the mechanic. The man agrees to fix the car, but tells the penguin to wait for an hour or so while he works. To pass the time, the penguin walk next door to a little ice cream shop and has a big ol' vanilla sundae while he ...

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together

A man runs into a bar and shouts, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?!”

The bartender says, “Depends. Less than 3 feet.”

The man cries out, “Oh my God! I just drove over a nun!”

What’s the difference between a penguin and a priest?

I’m not scared when my kids are alone with a penguin.

A man is caught with the car full of penguins

the policeman says: "you have to take these animals to the zoo, or else I'll fine you!", the man agrees and leaves. The next day the same policeman again picks up the man with a car full of penguins.

The cop says: "didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?". The man replies: "I took ...

Why did the penguin get evicted from his house on the ice caps?

His property had been liquidated!

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

The Penguin Joke

A truck delivering penguins to the Zoo broke down a few miles from its destination. The driver flagged an empty truck down. He said hey Buddy can you help me out I need to get these penguins to the zoo in the next hour and the repair truck will be here in about the same time, could you help me out a...

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What do you call penguins without a gun?

Penis

What do you call when you cross a penguin with a katana?

An ambulance, because nobody crosses a penguin with a katana

I walked into the psychiatrist office the other day with a penguin and an ice bear

Got diagnosed with being bipolar :(

Why shouldn't you write a book on penguins?

Because writing on paper is much easier.

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

Man at the bus stop with a penguin

There was a policeman driving down the road and he spotted a man standing at the bus stop with a penguin.
The policeman stopped and said “Excuse me sir, is this your penguin?”
The man says “No it’s not my penguin” so the policeman says “Well can you take it to the zoo then.”
The next day t...

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

I'd tell a penguin joke but

It wouldn't fly

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

Why did the penguin make a fish pun?

Just for the halibut.

A penguin walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "Hey, I'm looking for my brother. Have you seen him?"

The bartender says "I don't know. What's he look like?"

I've just finished writing my book on penguins...

My wife thinks it would be better on paper.

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

Percy Penguin

One day Percy Penguin was driving into town when suddenly his car started making a funny noise and started smoking, fortunately there was a garage nearby so he quickly pulled in. He went in and told the mechanic what had happened, the mechanic said he would finish what he was doing in about ten minu...

Two cows

Two cows were chatting in a field. One says to the other, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me happy I’m a penguin.”

A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head.

The doc asks. "And what can I do for you?."

Penguin replys. "Well Doc. It started as a growth on my foot...."

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

“How tall is a Penguin, this tall?”

“No, they’re much shorter than that”, he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- “How tall is a penguin, this tall?”

“Nowhere near that tall!”, says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing ...

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

What did God say upon creating the penguin?

Well that'll never fly.

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A penguin was driving through town

Heading up a small hill, his little penguin car started having trouble pulling the grade. Seeing a mechanic shop, he pulled in. He explain the issue to the mechanic, who tells him it will take about an hour for him to get to it. "So what am I supposed to do for an hour?", the penguin asked. THe mec...

Some kids broke into Twycross zoo and threw a penguin into the lion's den

It was total carnage. They couldn't even get the wrapper off!

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Penguin waddle (NSFW)

I read a joke about a penguin 10 minutes ago...


Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do. She asks him how much money does he have? The guy says, "Only $10."

The prostitute says, "For $10, I can give you a penguin." The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her th...

I tried to make a penguin fly once

Can’t say Delta was too happy about it!

Jim is delivering a truckload of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down on the side of the highway and he has no clue what to do. Luckily a friendly fellow with another truck stopped and asked if the guy needed any help. Jim asks the man if he wouldn't mind taking the penguins to the zoo for him, and he would give him $100.

"Sure" the friend...

Three penguins walk into a bar

Three penguins walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Fellas! Who's getting married?!

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man ag...

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

I saw a man with a penguin on a leash

I saw a man walking with a penguin on a leash

I said to him "That penguin is a wild animal. You need to take it to the zoo."

The man thought for a moment and said "You are absolutely right. I'll take him now."

The next day I saw the man again. He was still walking the penguin on...

Two friends meet and one of them has a penguin...

Friend 1: My God it's been too long since we've seen each other brother how are you?
Friend 2: I know its good to see you..but tell me why there is a penguin beside you?

Friend 1: Yeah a found thus little guy and I have no idea what to do with him..

Friend 2: Don be dumb take him to...

So there is a penguin, they had a suit and tie.

Yet, no one said that they look fly.

A penguin was driving down Route 66…

He started to have car trouble and broke down in the middle of the desert.

He called for a local tow truck, and they said they’d be there in about an hour, so the penguin sat and waited.

The tow truck finally came and drove the penguin and the car to the mechanic shop. The mechanic s...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic…

A penguin drives his car to the mechanic’s shop and says the engine is making a weird noise.

“Alright,” the mechanic says. “Give me a little bit and I’ll take a look. In the meantime, you can go to the ice cream shack across the street…”

The penguin went an ordered a vanilla ice crea...

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A man goes to a brothel for his 18th birthday

His friends drive him up to a brothel and tell him that for his birthday he’s going to get his cherry popped by the best sex worker at the brothel. Before the birthday boy has his fun, one of his friends tells him to make sure to ask her to give him a “Penguin”. The birthday boy takes note of it. Th...

A man is driving his penguins to the beach

A man had a minivan full of penguins, and is driving to the beach. On his way, a police officer see the minivan and pulls him over.

The officer walks up to the window, asks for license and registration. While he looks over the documents, he asks the driver, "What are you planning to do with a...

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

A penguin is driving his car through the desert

All of a sudden he finds himself broken down and he's in the middle of nowhere. He pushes his car all the way to the nearest mechanic, takes him days. By the time he arrives he's sweating like a pig, exhausted, basically just barely alive. The mechanic takes the car to his workshop and gets the peng...

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."

The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

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What did The Penguin say when he walked in on Batman masturbating?

“Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank!”

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



Who is a penguin's favorite family member?

Aunt Artica

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

What is a penguin’s favorite dancing style?

Pole Dancing

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Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

What do penguins do when they want to hookup?

Net fish and chill

Penguins car is overheating…..

A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the...

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The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."

So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets u...

Penguin

Last week I found a penguin in my street. Took it to the cops , they told me to take it to the zoo.
Saw the same cop yesterday, he asked how it went at the zoo. Told him the penguin loved it and we’re off to the cinema today.

What does a penguin lawyer order at a bar?

Just ice

What's a penguin's favourite dog?

A bichon freeze







(I found this joke on the back of a McVities penguin)

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

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Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A ...

An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle ...

How do Penguins finish a race?

They Pengwin.

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says f...

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

A Penguin is driving on a scorching day out near Nowhere, Texas

… and his car breaks down. Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop.

Mechanic says “looks like you blew a seal”. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. So the penguin asks if there's anywhere to go to cool off while he waits. Mechanic says...

How do you know if a penguin has corona?

It has to ice-olate

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

Why did the Penguin get away with robbing the Gotham City Central Bank?

Because Batman doesn’t go downtown.

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?"...

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

.
.
.
.
Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

A penguin walks into a bar.

Penguin: do you have any bread?
Bartender: no this is a bar, we serve beer, get out.
Next day, the penguin goes back into the same bar and sees the same bartender.
Penguin: do you have any bread?
Bartender: no, I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we serve beer, now get out.
The ne...

5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."

"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."

Attendant thinks for a second and says,...

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

>!Lost.!<

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

White penguins are walking towards you and black ones are walking away.

I used to love telling jokes about penguins and ostriches

But it turns out they don't really fly around here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was pretty pissed off when I brought a penguin home.

He told me “STUFF LIKE THIS THIS WILL NOT FLY IN MY HOUSE”

A penguin asked his father how roads multiply

"They fork"

How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"

This was the best jo...

A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?

A penguin is driving along route 66

And notices his car is acting up. So he rolls over to the first garage he finds and asks the mechanic to fix it for him. The mechanic looks at the car and says it may take a few hours to find the problem to which the penguin agrees.

While waiting the penguin decides its very hot and he'd lov...

A Penguin Farmer Breaks Down

A penguin farmer breaks down on his way to take his penguins to the zoo. A man stops and asks if the farmer needs help. “Yes” he exclaims and offers the man some money to take his penguins to the zoo. The man agrees, hitches the trailer up to his truck, and takes the penguins into town. After about ...

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

A penguin is driving through the desert

The car begins to lurch and smoke pours from the hood. The penguin stops at a small gas station on the side of the otherwise desolate road. Luckily, a mechanic is available. "Give me a few minutes and I'll let you know what I find out" he tells the stranded penguin. So the penguin heads inside the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a knock on the door of an Irish church

Mother superior answers the door and is surprised to see two leprechauns, one looks older.

The elder says, “pardon me, but are there any leprechaun nuns here?” She answers “no.”

He asks “well then, are there any little people here who are nuns?” Again she answers no.

He then t...

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What's a penguin?

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The man goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny,...

Why do penguins never get married?

They always get cold feet

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.

One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.

Wha...

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his ass

One day he sat and he died

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

Friends are like penguins

If you stab a penguin, it will die

A penguin runs into a bar...

Breathless with panic he catches the barman’s attention and says- “ excuse me sir but my brother has went missing, have you seen him?” To which the barman replies “what does he look like?”

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

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