A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.

Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that...

Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

A penguins car broke down

So he went to the mechanic who said he needed about an hour to check it out. To kill Time the penguin went across the street to get some vanilla ice cream. Since penguins have no hands he made an awful mess getting the ice cream all over his beak. When he returned the mechanic said “it looks like yo...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg.

One says to the other, “you look like you’re wearing a tuxedo!”

The penguin responds, “how do you know I’m not?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

How does a penguin build his house?

Igloos it together

What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?

LOST!

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has been running rough.

The mechanic tells the penguin that he can check it out to see what the problem is but it will take sometime.

The penguin says "okay," and he heads to the soda shop across the street and gets a soft serve.

After about an hour the penguin goes back to the auto shop. He ask the mechani...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

A penguin is driving through the desert

When his car starts to give him trouble. The lights start flashing and the dials go out of control, so he puts the car in neutral and rides it out to the nearest gas station.

He asks the gas station attendant "Can you fix my car? It's really no place for a penguin to be stuck in the deser...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

American politics is like a penguin.

It has both a left wing and a right wing. But are only good for flapping and making noises.

A penguin was driving his car through town...

A penguin is driving through town when his car breaks down.

He pushes it into the nearest mechanic shop, drops it off and the mechanic says he’ll have a look and to give him an hour.

So the penguin goes for a walk around town, down to the beach, has a bit of a wander around and then de...

I asked a friend what type of animal she would be and she said "I would be a penguin-bear"

I said: "Those are like, POLAR opposites"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf nu...

A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the bouncer, "Seriously, Frankie, why are we even paying you?"

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

The penguin couple got into another fight

They really are on thin ice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad was pretty pissed off when I brought a penguin home.

He told me “STUFF LIKE THIS THIS WILL NOT FLY IN MY HOUSE”

Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins

It was all over the news, the headlines read "Isis huge in Antarctica".

Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

The emperor penguin mates at temperatures as low as -120 degrees F.

He is a frigid midget with a rigid digit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.


So by this time, he's really super horny,...

A flock of penguins escaped from the zoo.

While searching for them, the Zookeeper spoke to a man who claimed to have run over one of the penguins with his car.

“I didn’t get a good look at it, so I’m not 100% sure that it was a penguin. How big do those guys get?” Asked the man.

“Well most of them are around a foot and a half”...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a small town.

Luckily he breaks down near a garage so he walks in and ask the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says he can take a look in about an hour and suggests the penguin hang out in the local Dairy Queen to kill some time.

The penguin walks over and orders a large waffle cone and starts to ea...

A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica

Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic.

He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him :
"Hmm ... I can't really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I'll tell you what's wrong with your car"

The penguin start...

Do you know why they named it Club Penguin?

Because naming it Club Seal would've been a bit on the nose.

Why can't penguins play football?

Because theres snowball

What do Penguins, Black and White movies, Zebras and newspapers all have in common?

The next generation is not going to know what any of those things are.

Where does a penguin hide his money?

A snow bank!!!

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the condom machine says :
"You look stupid in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"

This was the best jo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] The penguin.

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.

"What can I get for 5 bucks?”

"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."

Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that penguins scream during sex?

Well, I don’t think all of them do, but the ones I cornered at the zoo sure did...

A cop sees a man walking a penguin on the street

The cop stops him and says
"Hey, you can't have that animal out here in public! Take it to the zoo where it belongs."
The man says " Sure no problem officer."
The next day the cop is standing on the same spot and sees the same guy walk by with the same penguin. He gets real mad and goes up...

A penguin is in a car on the side of the road eating an ice cream cone without a care in the world .

The car is leaking ever fluid it has all over the road. After awhile, a highway patrolman pulls up and knocks on the window and says,
"Eh... you look like you just blew a seal."
To which the penguin replies,
"Ha! No..no I was just eating an ice cream cone."

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...

They are doing a new sequel to the movie “March of the Penguins”

They are calling it “April of the Penguins!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

A penguin pulls up to a dealership

He barely made it there before his car gave out. The technician tells him that it's going to be a few hours before the repairs are finished.
The penguin sees an icecream shop across the street and goes inside. He asks the manager if it would be okay to hang out in the freezer because it's just t...

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his han...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The seven dwarfs are in church

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said...

A penguin on a road trip through...

...the desert noticed steam coming out from under the hood of his car pulled over in a small town. He found a walrus working in a service station who said he could fix it straight away. Penguin was understandably hot and asked where he could find a cool treat. Walrus mechanic told him about an ice ...

So this penguin’s car breaks down...

...and he goes to the mechanic, and the mechanic says, “Give me an hour, I’ll figure out what the problem is.”

And it’s sunny and beautiful out, so the penguin has a little day for himself. He goes for a stroll, skips rocks by the lake, buys himself an ice cream.

He returns to the mec...

5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."

"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."

Attendant thinks for a second and says,...

The Penguin

One day a couple was walking down the street when they saw a penguin standing next their car.They took the penguin to the policeman and asked him what they should do with the penguin.The policeman ordered them to take it to the zoo.

The next day policeman was on his way to the coffee shop whe...

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of...

What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

White penguins are walking towards you and black ones are walking away.

A penguin was driving when he noticed the warning light on his dashboard light up...

He limped the car to the nearest garage. The mechanic said it may take a while to fix and so to come back later.

So the penguin went out and took in the sights. Whilst he was there he decided to get an ice cream. However, only having flippers, he couldn't hold the ice cream very well and made...

A penguin is driving down the road and her car starts making a funny noise...

She finds a repair shop and drops it off to get it repaired. While she’s waiting, she notices an ice cream shop nearby, so she goes over to get a cone. On her way back, the ice cream starts to melt and ends up getting on her lips and around her mouth. Walking up to her car, the mechanic lifts his h...

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

Why did the penguin cross the road?

Batman was chasing him.

A cop is sitting on the side of the highway when all of a sudden he sees a guy driving a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the truck over and tells the driver “What are you doing? You need to take these penguins to the zoo immediately.” The driver said OK. A few hours later, the truck passes again, still filled with penguins. The officer pulls the man over again, and says “I thought I told you to take these pen...

A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."

So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream....

Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.

Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.

Later, he returns to the mec...

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ti...

Penguin is having some car trouble so he drops it off at the auto repair shop

Mechanic tells him it might take a while, so the penguin goes down the street to the ice cream shop to pass the time.

When he returns to the repair shop, the mechanic comes out and says, "It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin gets an initial horrified look on his face and ...

Penguins

A cop pulls over a station wagon for running a red light. When the officer gets up to the car, he sees a bunch of penguins in the back of the station wagon. He writes the driver a ticket and tells him, "I want you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
A couple days later the cop sees the same stati...

Where does a penguin keep his money?

In a snow bank!

(disclaimer: saw this on the display of a local bank and I giggled).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"

"About two foot sir" replies the bartender

"Shit. I've just run over a nun."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How is this story joke? I created it to present to class tomorrow.

It's supposed to last between 45 seconds to a minute. Is it funny? What can I improve?

A man is driving along a road, and starts to hear a clunking noise coming from under the hood of his car. Luckily for him, an auto repair shop is just down the road. As he drives into the shop’s garage, he’...

A penguin was driving down the street eating a vanilla ice cream cone.

He started having car trouble, so he pulled to the side of the road.

A little while later some cops pull up to help.

After they check his car, they tell him, "It looks like you blew a seal" and he goes, "Oh, no, I was just eating an ice cream cone"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

A penguin is driving through the desert

The car begins to lurch and smoke pours from the hood. The penguin stops at a small gas station on the side of the otherwise desolate road. Luckily, a mechanic is available. "Give me a few minutes and I'll let you know what I find out" he tells the stranded penguin. So the penguin heads inside the g...

So a penguin is driving down the road when his car starts making a weird noise.

The penguin sees a mechanic shop up the road and decides that he’ll stop there. He says to the mechanic, “Listen my car is making this weird noise, could ya take a look at it?” The mechanic says, “Sure! Doesn’t look too bad. Should only take 20 minutes.”

Feeling relieved, the penguin walks ou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A ...

An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle ...

Where are the penguins?

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a transport truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for my auto club!” The man agrees and drives off w...

Penguin

A bartender was working late at night when suddenly a man ran bursting through the door and asked the bartender.

Man: "QUICK, HOW TALL IS A PENGUIN?"

The bartender slightly confused, he simply said.

Bartender: "about this tall"

The man started to panic and said.
...

Penguin driving through the desert

It's 100* day and he's cruising along until his car starts smoking. He takes it easy until he makes it to a small town and finds a mechanic. The mechanic says to come back in an hour, so the penguin decides to explore the small town.

There's not much to see but he does find an ice cream shop...

A penguin is driving on a hot summer day when his car...

... suddenly starts to make noises and smoke out from under the hood. The penguin coasts into the service space and stops at the garage.

The mechanic there tells the penguin it's going to take a bit of time to see what the problem is, and starts working on the car, so our penguin shuffles out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Snow White and the 7 dwarfs go to visit the Vatican, in Rome

The Pope was gracious enough to grant them a personal interview, Dopey is the first of the dwarfs to ask a question:

"Excuse me Your Eminence, do you know if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"I'm sorry my Son, but not as far as I'm aware" replies the Pope.

The other dwarfs at this...

A penguin is driving through the desert one day

And suddenly smoke starts pouring from his engine, he manages to get the car to the nearest town, and gets it to a garage - the mechanic tells him he'll take a look, but it might be a while.

He decides, because he's a penguin, and he's in the desert, there's nothing he'd like more than a love...

The Mechanic who worked in Antarctica.

A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"

1 The mechanic looks at him...