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Using Jokes

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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer...

But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.

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Oral sex using telekinesis

Mind blowing

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was ...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

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A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”

This was Johnny’s response:

My analyze over the ocean
My analyze over the sea
My analyze over the ocean
Oh bring back my anatomy!

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try using condoms with something special in them to enhance her pleasure.

I was all for it, until the "something special" turned out to be other guy's dicks.

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

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My friend called me a queer for using chapstick...

I'm not gay, I just like the way it feels in my ass.

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

I like using big words

It makes me seem more callipygian

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Because pencils confused him.

2B or not 2B? That is the question.

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

Where's the best place to hunt deer using dynamite?

Just trying to get the most buck for the bang

How do you know when a blonde has been using a vibrator?

Her teeth are chipped

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

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