What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Might start using conjunctions more confusingly...

Maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll.

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils,

but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

My friend was bragging that he can print a gun using his 3-D Printer, but I wasn’t impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?

Squid marks.

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had an odd fetish for kitchen appliances, and he managed to find a way to derive sexual pleasure using a toaster. He called it the "toaster pleasure".

After a bit more exploration in his kitchen, he managed to derive pleasure from masturbating while using a blender, which he called "blender pleasure".

Hoping he would get the same results from using a cheese grater, he gave it a try.

There was no grater pleasure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did JFK say to Marilyn Monroe when she accused him of using her for sex?

“Marilyn, I’m taking you to bed not because you are easy, but because I am hard.”

A gynecologist warned me about the dangers of using slang too much, but I didn't listen...

Now I've got a yeets infection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to smuggle drugs into other countries using my butt.

If I didn't do it, some other asshole would.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oral sex using telekinesis

Mind blowing

It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.

You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round.

This morning I reinforced my horse's wooden shack using cement

It's finally stable.

My wife and I tried using a ouija board.

She refuses to believe that i'm not intentionally moving the planchette. I cant help that any time she asks it a question it replies with "GIVE ANAL".

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

I caught my nephew using "Duck" in place of the F word.

I had to stop him, I know his dad wouldn't approve of such fowl language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is constantly trying to talk to me through the bathroom door while I'm using the toilet.

It always annoys the shit out of me so I can't complain too much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

R/jokes I started a business using giant yoyo’s to get water out of deep holes.

It has its ups and downs but it’s going well.

People were saying that I was using too mamy alt accounts...

They got down voted to oblivion though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

My mom hates using candles

She is anti-wax

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

Using marijuana can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss

What do Australians do after using the toilet in France?

Bidet, mate.

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

If you're using public transport never give up your seat

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus drive

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

I reluctantly told my GF today that I've been using soap as lubricant for the past month.

I had to come clean.

What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer?

It logs off

Ive been using knives to save ammo in my games.

Btw I’ve been banned from the paintball arena

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

Teacher " Who can form a sentence using 'dandelion' ?"

Tyrone : De Cheetah is fasta Dandelion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam got thrown out a Strip club for using monopoly money.

Sam's logic - Why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

I was using an acetylene torch and accidentally burnt myself.

It’s okay though, I’ll b-ethyne.

I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

I’m using Excel and told the boss that I’ve been Ctrl+F’ing all day.

She asked me if that was a polite way of swearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recall my first time using a condom...

I was about 16 or so and went in a pharmacy to buy a packet of condoms. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter who handed me the package. She asked me if I ever worn one and I said “no this is my first time”.

So she unwrapped the package and slid one condom over her thumb, prec...

If not using periods was a crime...

would it result in long sentences?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Describe your sex life using a movie title

Me : Gone in 60 Seconds

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

I made a portrait of my cat using saliva.

It was a spitting image.

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

I finally confessed to my family that I've been using the shower soap to pleasure myself

I came clean.

How do you make a soup using 1s and 0s?

Beef Boolean.

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs...

would it be Game of Thrones?

Which social network do Sith Lords prefer using as they dominate the universe?

MySpace

I've always been wary of people using concision to cut a conversation short. It's a feeling I call

circum-cision.

I like using big words I don't know the meaning of

I think it makes me sound very photosynthesis,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made a cocktail using Barcardi and NyQuil.

Called it a Cardi B.

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

My first time time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time it brought me down.

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

Why do rednecks like using AR-15s?

Because they’re under 18.

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

This is the first time in 5 years of using this site I remembered that it's my cake day. Im using this post to see the little cake emoji on it. That is all. ( included joke to qualify )

A man walks into a bar. He says ow.Thank you.

When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.

Nobody knew why.

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.

They’ll use alternative fax.

Using Microsoft Word

**moves image 1mm to the right**

4 new pages appear.

Global warming.

Alien invasion.

Armageddon.

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate?

Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.

New kid on the jobsite today asked what was the proper name for the tool we were using (plumb bob)

I told him "Plumb Robert".

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

My girlfriend asked me to stop using Wonderwall lyrics in conversations . . .

So I SAID MAYBE

So I saw everybody using the 69 position

Well me and my girlfriend use the 96 position

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

I heard about people using cedar instead of silicon for breast implants, but think about if it happened to you, it'd be super weird,

Wooden tit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?”

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*


“Dammit this is a Soulja board”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked over 100 women which shampoo they are using.

And the number one answer was "How the fuck did you get in my bathroom?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife tells me to stop using big words I don't understand

I think she's just over-ejaculating.

Using your wife!

A man received text from his neighbor ... :
"Sorry sir, I am using your wife...I am using day and night ...I am using when you are not present at home....In fact I am using more than You are using.....
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...
Hope You will accept my sincere apo...

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

My girlfriend got angry that I always pretended to be using walky talkies...

"it really annoys me" she said "this relationship is over"

"this relation ship is what? Over" I said. She hasn't spoke to me since.

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

*using walkie takies*

Girl: this relationship is over!

Guy: this relationship is what? Over

My dad always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it

Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

She rolled over and looked at me very seductively and said "I want you to make me scream by using your fingers"....

So I poked her in the eye.

Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"...

Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

Kurt Cobain was an example of using opportunity.

He got his big shot, and didn’t miss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

A guy using Apple maps walks into a bar

...or maybe a hospital....or possibly a church

People aren't using their fingers to count, they're using their minds...

Because it's the thought that counts.

What does a homeless person do when using a PC for the first time?

He searches through the trash bin.

Using the latest animated film to potty train my son...

How to drain your dragon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by using Google Translate to talk about my girlfriend’s dog breed

Apparently “Basic Bitch” doesn’t mean the same thing as “Standard Poodle.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

My hipster friend just told me, “I’m going to start using my dictaphone.”

I said, “Why don’t you use your fingers like normal people?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started using gametes in my advertising campaign.

You know, sex cells.

"Have you considered using an alternative name for hell?"

"I heaven't."

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.

- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”

- “I know... just talking to myself.”

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