UPJOKE
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My friend keeps trying to annoy me by using bird puns

But I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

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I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

*using Ouija board*

"Hello, is there anyone there?"

\*Y\*

\*O\*

\*U\*

\*U\*

\*U\*

\*U\*

"Ah, damn it. This is a Soulja board."

I’ve decided to quit using macOS and windows cold turkey

I’ve become a gnu man

Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.

Not on my watch.

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

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"Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn't fun was it?"

"NO DAD. It was fuck."

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

i tried using an ai to generate a joke with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar"

Two guys walk into a bar.

It's just one, and he's forty.

"what will it be, sir?"

"A water," the guy says.

He takes a sip.

He grimaces and makes a face.

"That's really watery."

"Yes," says the bartender.

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

Scientists have just discovered evidence of cavemen using frogs as condoms

Ribbit for her pleasure

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

What's hard before you use it, wet while you're using it and soft and flaccid after you are done using it?

Chewing gum.

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

Using Microsoft Edge (Chromium edition) - go to edge://surf

Now your productivity is a joke

What did Oedipus's father say when he heard his son using foul language?

"I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth."

Did you hear about the country that tried to use fresh fruit as currency?

They ran into problems when everyone’s money started to get moldy. Last I heard, they’re looking into using non-fungible tokens now.

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

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I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

A Chinese man has killed himself using Kung Fu.

It's the first known case of Chop Sueycide

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

Little known fact #38: One of the first online "hook-up" apps started out using Sean Connery to do their voice overs. They soon noticed they were only getting hits from roofers.

Apparently they were interested in the dozens of hot shingles in their area.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

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My friend called me a queer for using chapstick...

I'm not gay, I just like the way it feels in my ass.

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