UPJOKE
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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

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What do you see when a duck bends over?

It’s butt quack.

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

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Three stages of sex in marriage.

Stage one: Whole house sex. You and your partner have sex in every room of the house. Standing up, bending over, on any surface available.

Stage two: Bedroom Sex. You and your partner only have sex in the bedroom... after you shower... with the lights off.

Stage three: Hall sex. ...

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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My penis has a bend in it.

So I tell my SO when I’m close, “I’m coming around the bend.

A man is hiking along a narrow mountain path.

As he's walking round a bend he sees a beautiful, and completely naked women walking towards him. As she gets closer he realised that with a steep rock wall on one side and a sheer drop on the other, there's no way the two of them will be able to pass safely. So he takes one last look at the woman a...

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My first joke here.

A woman goes to an expensive carpet store in hopes of purchasing a new area rug.She spots a beautiful rug after a few minutes of searching and goes to check it out.As she bends down to touch the rug she accidentally rips a silent but deadly fart.
A salesman notices her from afar and comes to assi...

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

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Heavenly pleasure

Jimmy takes the bus to go to work every morning and there is always a beautiful nun sitting in the last row in her traditional costume who captures his attention. One day he gathers his courage and decides to hit on her. So he walks over and gives her some compliments but the nun just keeps looking ...

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The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

A circus is holding auditions and a 91 year old man shows up. "What do you do?" asks the ringmaster.

"I bend over backwards," says the man, "and pick up a handkerchief off the floor with my teeth."

"Wow," says the ringmaster, impressed that this elderly man is agile enough to do this. "Then what do you do?" he asks.

"Then I bend over again," says the man, "and pick up my teeth."

A Hunter

A man goes hunting and runs into a bear. He takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, he sees no bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says: bend over or I eat you. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, the...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bending over a small stream to take a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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So there is this bear hunter

So this chap is out bear hunting. He sees a large bear, sneaks up on it, takes his shot and misses!

The bear spots him and charges. The hunter runs but trips and the bear is on him. To his surprise the bear doesn't maul him to death but says:

"Look, I've eaten today but I am a bit ho...

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A man goes to the Doctors and says…

“I’ve got a huge hole in my arse.”

The doctor says, “Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look.”

The man does as he’s told. “My God!!” exclaims the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”

He replies, “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”

The doctor says...

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An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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A lady walks into a car dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pl...

A strange case of flatulence!

A man goes to see his doctor and says
"This is really quite embarrassing doctor."
The doctor says "I have seen everything, what's the problem?"
The man says "well, every time I break wind it comes out of me with the word Honda."
The doctor says "mmm, take your trousers and pants off and...

Paddy goes to the door to get his mail...

As he looks down, he sees a big brown envelope, with "DO NOT BEND!" written on it.

He's still standing there, wondering how he's going to pick it up off the floor.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Doughnuts!! I’ll see myself out.

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Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

Where do Avatars learn to bend?

At elementary school!

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND."

"How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .

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A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

I like to bend over, grab my legs & slowly lean forward

because that’s how I roll

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People dream of mind bending shower sex

and I just dream of the hot water lasting longer than him

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

An Undertaker named Bob

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. He wife asked him, "What happened to you?"

"I've had a terrible day!" says Bob. I had to go to a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag, because he had a huge...

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Do you guys know how Brits say "Bend over"?

Bottoms up.

I have a cheap mirror hanging up that bends when it gets hot.

Anything over 30° and my self-esteem is shattered.




I hope this hits the front page after someone reposts it with Fahrenheit.

A blonde woman finds a letter in front of her door that says "DO NOT BEND"

She spent the next two hours figuring out how to pick it up.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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What's a Jet Skirt?

I was at the Grocery store with Grandpa , who is a retired Air Force pilot, when two Girls in **super short skirts** walked by.

Grandpa said, "Look at those **Jet Skirts**" as we both admired the two Ladies.

I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt ?

Grandpa replied, "It's a Skirt s...

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

Walking alone on the sidewalk and a driver takes a wide bend around you. Do they think I'm gonna jump?

I mean I might but they shouldn't know that.

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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road and a woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG."

The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "BITCH."

They continue on their way then. As the man rounds a bend, he suddenly crashes into a pig standing in the middle of the road.

A blonde sees a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A scuba diver bends into a bar

Sadly, he died.

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I’ve been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. I’m very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend I’ve developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Hunter and the bear



A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge hunting rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, he couldn't find the bear. A moment later, he sees the bear sneak up from behind him and says, “No one...

Why do apple products bend so easily?

Because they're made for flexing.

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

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So I had my prostate exam today…

and the doc had me bend over with my pants and underwear down.

He put his left hand on my hip and his right hand he…wait…he put his right hand on my hip and…

You know what? That bastard had both hands on my hips!

One of my favorites

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What ...

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[oc] Tarzan wants to propose to Jane

So he looks for other couples to understand how to do it.

He sees a man bend down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks "Will you marry me?"

Tarzan thinks it’s a bit odd, but he goes to Jane, gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring and says "Jane you Tarzan me"

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Tiger Woods on a golf tour in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morni...

My friend went to the doctor for a prostate exam

The doctor asked him to bend over the exam table. Then the doctor stands behind him and tells him to relax. My friend said he heard the doctor put on his gloves and squirt some lubricant into his hand. The doctor says, “On the count of three. 1, 2, 3”, and begins the exam. After a few minutes, my bu...

How can photons bend so easily?

They practice light yoga

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

It’s such a hassle for people to have to bend over their drinks.

We really need to raise the bar.

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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An old man named Steve is walking down the street and sees a clown walking towards him.

"Hey look, a clown!" Steve says. "Do you think you could make me laugh?"

The clown says, "Not now, I'm tired. I want to go home."

"Oh come on!" says Steve. "Show me a magic trick you sissy! Make me feel young again!"

Steve won't quit harassing him, so the clown reluctantly agre...

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Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing.

He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug.

The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering k...

I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

New sequel to “Bend It Like Beckham” announced.

It’s called “Fake It Like Neymar”

Stroke Play

A teenager, his father, and his grandfather play golf together every weekend. One day they get paired up with someone different. They ask who it is and the manager tells them, “you’ll find out on the first tee”.

The group gets to the first tee and finds the most beautiful woman they’ve ever s...

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A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me ho...

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

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Steve was on a walking holiday in the Irish countryside

He was about to cross an old stone bridge when a small man jumped out from behind a rock

“I’m the lucky Irish leprechaun” he said “and for finding me today I’ll grant you 3 lucky wishes”

Steve couldn’t believe his luck, so for his first wish he asked for a million pounds

“Grante...

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A farmer in France sees a foreigner bending down next to the river.

The foreigner leans over and voraciously scoops up water from the river to drink using his right hand. He gulps down the water hungrily, much to the farmer's shock.

The farmer runs over to the foreigner and tries to warns him in French: "Monsieur, ce n'est pas sain! Mes animaux pisse et merde...

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

A new apprentice starts work in a butcher shop.

He is tasked with serving the customers and all is well.

One day, a woman comes in and asks for a duck.

“But be sure to give me a high quality Aylesbury duck.”

The apprentice, knowing no better, picks a duck and hands it to the woman.

She examines it carefully, eyeing the...

Did you hear about the bloke who drank a bottle of toilet cleaner?

He went clean round the s-bend.

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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3 blind men…

3 blind men were playing soccer and suddenly one of them kicks the ball into the window of a brothel. one of the blind men walks up to the brothel and a lady opens the door. he asks for their soccer ball so the lady took out her left boob and asked him if this is what he is looking for. he told her ...

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

Bending with one hand..

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degr...

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

If a bend in a shoreline creates a large ocean inlet, but no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

... think about it.

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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Late Night After the Bar

Was walking down the street with a buddy the other night after the bar, we suddenly stop when he spots what he assumed was shit on the floor. I asked “hey, how can you be sure it’s shit?” He looks at me as if he just had a brilliant idea, he bends over takes his index finger and dips it in the suppo...

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At her annual checkup the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.

She bends over the examining table but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!"

Said the doctor, "That's not my thermometer!"

Just then the woman's husband comes into the room. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands.

"I'm taking your wife's te...

Bend over, little fairy...

...a wish is a wish.

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A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man.
"And d...

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

Barbie sure has a lot of nice things

For a woman who’s knees don’t bend

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of ligh...

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Impotence - An original joke

A joke I (nearly) got suspended for, for making up at work:

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An 18 year old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.


Timmy says to the Doctor: "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens."...

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

Bear With Me...

A guy goes hunting with a shotgun. He spots a great big BEAR in the woods. He aims, fires, a blast of smoke fills the air.

The smoke clears and... nothing. The guy feels a tap on his shoulder. Turns around, it's THE BEAR!

The Bear says "Bend over."

The next year the guy goes h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

Mrs. BB King

BB King's wife decided she was going to do something special for BB's birthday and after thinking about it for a while, she goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the tattooist, "I want a nice big 'B' on each asscheek."

The tattoo artist says, "I'm usually not one to question but, that's kinda out...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

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