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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

Eugenics

The Study Of Eugenes

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon."

She replied, "I know what a heart is!"

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

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I saw my neighbour crying while mowing the lawn

So I went outside to talk to him. I said:

"Tom you're a great dude but you're such a crybaby sometimes. I know your wife left you but she was a bitch! I had a girl leave me because she was sick of my shit but you don't see me bawling my eyes out about it!"

He tried to reply but his eye...

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A man walked into a bar and asked the barkeeper if they had prostitutes.

The barkeeper said: „No we don‘t, but we have Eugene.“

The man asked if he was serious and the barkeeper answered that Eugene would provide a full service for just 100$.

The man thought what the heck and decided to go for it.

He asked the barkeeper if he just should give 100$ t...

Final Memories

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks...

Eugene and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Eugene would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Eugene, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Eugene and Edna ...

This new credit card I applied for allows me to pick the security question they ask me and the answer I give them

So whenever I call them they have to ask me, "What are you wearing?" and I have to answer them, "I don't think that's appropriate!"

Credit: Eugene Mirman from "The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman"

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A man has been fucking his favorite goat

For the past couple months he's been falling in love and fucking his favorite goat from the herd. One day he decides to finally bring the goat into his home.

He shows the goat around the house for awhile and decides to show the bedroom where his wife is resting. The man drags the goat up the...

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