One time as a kid, I took my Dad’s voltmeter without his permission…

I got grounded

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.

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One time my mother called me a son of a bitch

So I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother. She then hit me because no one hits her son, and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother...

one time in Vietnam my drill sergeant angrily asked who the hell kept quoting Credence Clearwater Revival

I said "It ain't me"

Went on a trek one time...

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the re...

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

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One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

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I'll never forget the one time i saw my dad's penis.

I said "dad, dont text me shit like that"

One time I set fire to the Kardashians.....

The blue flame and the smell of plastic was interesting

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One time a demon showed her daughter how to use a tampon

It was an excellent demonstruation

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My dad never thought I could speak Japanese, so one time I was at a restaurant.

While at the restaurant, my dad said:
“If you can, speak to that waitress and order some dumplings in Japanese.”

I said: “Ok.”

The waitress came and I said: “Kon’nichiwa.”
They then looked me dead in the eyes and said: “Get the fuck out.”

As we were walking t...

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

One time I was an ESOL instructor...

For those who don’t know, ESOL indicates that English is a second or foreign language. In my class, I had a student who barely spoke English, and when I mean barely spoke, I mean he had difficulties with basic colours.

So during my office hours, the student comes to my office for some extra h...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

So one time I was dating alinty and I found out while I was playing 8 ball

She was playing with 18 balls

One time my friend said to treat him like a god...

So now I only talk to him when I need a favor.

We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt.

That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.

One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually

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You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a crappy drawing I did

Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again

One time I saw a kid being bullied by 4 kids so i decided to step in

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

One time I went to Blockbusters and asked if I could rent Batman Forever...

The man at the counter said, “NO! You can only rent it for the week”!

I went to a Canadian fight one time

And a hockey game broke out :(

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

One time I had an out-of-body experience...

It was the day I was born.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

I had a splinter one time...

...I guess you could say it got out of hand

One time I ate a bar of deodorant.

Nothing weird happened except I got a weird *accent*.

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I told my wife to pull on my peepee one time if she wants to have sex

...and to pull on it 250 times if she doesn’t want to have sex.

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One time I dated a girl that had a twin but it was always super easy to tell them apart.

One painted her nails red and the other had a cock

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[NSFW] One time after swimming class with 3th grade the boys in the locker room noticed that I wasn't circumcised.

I first noticed it when I heard some whispering while getting changed. Eventually in class they where still talking about it the whole time. During recess a group of kids came to me to ask if they can see it. First I was a little shy, but after some pear pressure I gave in.
So we went to the toil...

One time I was in a church and yelled "creeper!!"

Everybody said amen.

One time I decided to rob a clock store

I ended up taking a lot of time.

My girlfriend has two version of the Kama Sutra, the original and the Director's Cut. One time I asked her what the difference was.

Apparently the author is Jewish

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One time I was in Amsterdam and I decided to go to the Red Light District

As I was walking by the sex shops and back alleys I ran into a man in a suit who said
_"Hey! You lookin' for a good time?"_
So we got to talking and he eventually cut to the chase and said
_"Look you have two choices, our cheapest prostitutes can be had for a cent but our finest will run ...

One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people

Then the grenade exploded

I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

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So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"

To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."

"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.

"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to...

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human...

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One time I gave a supermodel a golden shower.

She looked pretty pissed.

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One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

One time I gave my honest thoughts on this dude’s art

I said “I appreciate the effort, but you should really look into another career, Adolf”

One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

One time I hosted a Halloween party and everybody had the same costume

The invisible man

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

Brother : Will u please kiss me... Only one time I wanna try it out

Sister : Well if u Incest .

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

One time I got attacked by a wildebeest, but another wildebeest came to my aid and rescued me.

There's good gnus and bad gnus.

For a while I was a hot dog vendor. One time this guy walked up to me and asked me to make him one with everything.

So I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face.

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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

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I used to be a pimp for a horse, but she only got paid for sex one time.

She was a real one trick pony.

One time, two blondes were walking through the forest

...and they came across some tracks.


The first blonde pointed and said, "Oh, look! Rabbit tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No dummy, those are deer tracks!"


They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

So one time I was at the cemetery...

...and I heard some faint music... was it coming out of a grave?? I investigated further and I recognized that the music was Beethoven's symphonies being played backwards... 5... then 4... then 3... then I realized to my horror... it was Beethoven in his grave... DECOMPOSING!

One time I received a ticket telling me that I parked really well

It said "parking fine" so that was nice.

One time I was telling jokes to my pacifist friend, but he didn't like any of them.

I guess he didn't like punchlines

This one time, people completely overused a word and ruined it forever.

It was epic.

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One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years...

and then I turned 12.

My friend hated crows so much that he wanted to kill them. One time, I caught him staring intensely at a group of crows...

You could see the murder in his eyes.

Reading it one time might be not enough.

-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
...

One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”.

Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?”

because i had a blond streak through it and I said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside.

When I came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it
meant a religion that worshipped one god because mono means one as in
monobrow and he sent me ou...

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

One time I had a doughnut stuffed with icing

It was filling!

One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

One time a lady walked up to me and asked me about my relationship with God

I politely responded "Well Jesus and I were going steady for a while but we broke up. One day I came home from work and he was spread out and being nailed by a bunch of Romans, so I had to break it off, he tried to hang in there but our relationship was dead a few days later."

I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

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One time my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records

That was until I was thrown out of the library...

My wife had to die because she lied about her weight one time too much.

Bungee jumping...

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That reminds me - one time I accidentally masturbated on a classy guy while he was sunbathing,

but I didn’t mean to get off on a tangent.

My girlfriend is really supportive but she's not very bright. One time, during a fight, I asked her "What's your IQ, anyway?!"

She shouted back defiantly "20/20!"

This one time Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest..

His entry left the judges speechless.

So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher...

But then I remembered I was homeschooled

I remember one time when by dad came home from work, absolutely beaming with happiness

I asked "Why are you do happy, Daddy?"

"Well kiddo, today at work Daddy's boss called him into his office, and invited him to go golfing with some of the other big boss men at the company. I shot the best game of my life, and after I got a hole in one on the last hole, my boss told me I was ...

I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."


She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"


"Well the last one finally killed him."

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One time I walked in on my brother, masturbating.

We locked eyes for what felt like forever. Then he yelled, "Why the hell are you masturbating!?"

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One time I took Viagra and Exlax

I couldn't tell if I was coming or going

One time I tripped and spilled my drink on someone in the middle of a joke they were telling.

I never heard the end of it.

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This One Time ... (NSFW)

I was constipated and couldn't go.

Told my doctor.

He told me to go smack a random woman's ass.

I did.

She kicked the shit outta me.

One time I walked into a bathroom and there were no urinals

I thought, "huh... that's strange." The girls that came in after me were apparently pretty freaked out by it too.

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

One time when I was young...

One time when I was young I did something really stupid. So my mother started disciplining me. Only this time in particular, some music had started playing. I wanted to go turn it off, but she beat me to it.

One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the...

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One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

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So one time I went to the toilet

Actually no, I won't tell you.

It's a shit joke.

One Time Long Ago, Way Back In Medieval Times...

There was a brave knight named Sir Finley who fought everything the king commissioned him to. One day, a dragon terrorized a nearby village, scaring the kingdom. Sir Finley was sent of to slay this terrible dragon. Once he got there, the dragon’s tail knocked him off balance. Sir Finley fell to the ...

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

At one time a falling Apple lead to the Theory of Gravity

Now it's just a broken iPhone

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This one time I swallowed a piece of string. When it came out it was all tied up.

I shit you knot.

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I was in Georgia one time

I saw a sign on the side of the road that said *All Flavors of Georgia Peaches*. I thought "I might as well see what this is" and pulled into the ranch.

I walked up to the man in the ranch house and asked him what this was all about. He replied, "I have every flavor of peach you could think ...

So one time i joined a Slovakian circus...

I got in with the tightrope walkers. The coach had designed this elaborate, rigorous training program. It was a whole system of Czechs and balances.

One time I got drunk and took the bus...

Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested..

For impersonating an officer of the law.

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I thought I was gonna have sex with an Eskimo one time...

But it turns out she wasn't Inuit.

So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine...

Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some?

Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish.

Me: No, it's free!

*from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*

One time, the parents went out to dinner.

The sitter called and asked if she could cover the creepy clown statue in the kid's room.
The dad said: "Get out of the house. Call the police. We don't have a clown statue!"
By the time police arrived the scene, they found they did have a clown statue and the dad had alzheimer's.

One time, I carried out an entire conversation with a man by speaking to him in Spanish while he spoke to me in Italian

It was the most romantic conversation I've ever had

That one time i hired a hooker...

... She offered me the girlfriend experience for no extra charge, of course i accepted ...

... i did not expect however that she would roll up in to a blanket burrito, order Pizza and watch Netflix.

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One time there was two farmers

One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Plato, Missouri. They was always good friends, and Biil’s oldest boy had been a-charmin’ one of Sam’s daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty god damn mad. “Bill,” says he, “from...

One time I met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

So this one time I was walking through the woods when I saw a bear

I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now he can ride a bike.

One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet...

She died a week later.

One time the Pillsbury Doughboy attacked me.

I kicked him in his doughnuts and ran.

Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day

I call it blunt force trauma

One time i got really scared because i had been tripping on LSD for 20 days...

Then i looked at my calendar and realized it had only been for 1 hour.

One time I ate glue, and I didn't tell anyone about it.

My lips were sealed.

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So this one time I was on a bus with my girlfriend...

..and she started getting frisky. She offers to give me head and I (of course) oblige her. She immediately drops to the floor and starts going to town, but shortly after she starts - we hit a bump and I blow my load into the back of her throat. At this point, she starts to choke and then proceeds to...

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I took a shit on the hood of a car one time

It was my civic doodie

One time there was an Irishman who got so drunk

He kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel

This one time, I went to prison, but I got out without a scratch-

I beat off all the other prisoners

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Just takes one time...

A couple walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. Next to them is an obviously inebriated older guy just sippin' his drink staring at nothing in particular.

"You see that door over there?" He grumbles to no one in particular, "I framed that door. Did the measurements myself, put it up an...

I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...

I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...

One time in band camp...

They threatened me with eternal torture.


Oh wait that was Bible camp.

One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood.

Boy was I Sir prized

One time Lenin's widow, Nadezhda Krupskaya, visits an elementary school.

The schoolchildren asked her to tell them a story Vladimir Lenin.

"Children, you should know about Lenin's great kindness." she says with eyes misty.
"I remember once he was shaving his beard outside of home, and a little child was passing by & asked him (What are you doing, Mr Lenin...

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