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One Time Jokes

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people

Then the grenade exploded

One time...

this bloke walked past me and saw me shouting and crying into an AC. He asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "I'm venting my feelings!"

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One time I got "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

One time I tried to marry my phone...

I wanted to make it my Wifi

And I felt a really strong connectio

I thought I saw all the right signals

Plus I really wanted to tap that

So I gave it a ring

Turns out it was already engaged

Besides, I wasn't its type

We would have been such a great we...

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

One time I asked a news reporter what the name of his three sons were...

He replied, "My oldest son is Jackson"

"Jeremiah is the middle child"

"And THIS JUSTIN"

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One time I went to a doctor convention

I meet a proctologist and I ask him why he got into this type of medicine. He looks around at the other doctor and says, "I guess I just like being around a bunch assholes."

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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

I met a British spy one time, but I don’t think he’s very smart.

When I asked who he worked for, he said “am I six”? Dude was at least 40.

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human...

One time I shot a bar of soap.

The bullet went clean through.

One time my uncle challenged me that I cant do a simple electrical wiring.

He got shocked after I completed the work.

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One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

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One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years...

and then I turned 12.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting one time and let me tell you

What a bunch of losers.

Call a woman beautiful 1000 times, and she'll never remember. Call her fat one time, and she'll never forget. You know why?

Elephants never forget.

Reading it one time might be not enough.

-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
...

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

At one time, Lucas Electrics manufactured a vacuum cleaner.

It was the only product in their entire history that didn't suck.

This one time a cop pulled me over and asked me to say the alphabet backwards...

...so I said "tebahpla eht" and I spent the whole night in jail.

I went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

I walked out of a goodwill store one time and found this woman crying.

She had just lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found.

Went on a trek one time...

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the re...

One time I saw my baby brother SCREAMING at his Easter candy.

I was like what’s going on? And he says,

“I’m giving shout-outs to my Peeps!”

One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually

One time the weatherman said we could expect ice showers...

...and I was like, "Oh *hail* no!".

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

I had a splinter one time...

...I guess you could say it got out of hand

One time my family caught me screwing a dead body

Anyways grandma's funeral was fun

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One time my mother called me a son of a bitch

So I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother. She then hit me because no one hits her son, and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother...

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One time I walked in on my brother, masturbating.

We locked eyes for what felt like forever. Then he yelled, "Why the hell are you masturbating!?"

I went to a Canadian fight one time

And a hockey game broke out :(

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One time I microwaved my penis

It’s too small to regularwave it

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I'll never forget the one time i saw my dad's penis.

I said "dad, dont text me shit like that"

One time I ate a bar of deodorant.

Nothing weird happened except I got a weird *accent*.

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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

One time, two blondes were walking through the forest

...and they came across some tracks.


The first blonde pointed and said, "Oh, look! Rabbit tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No dummy, those are deer tracks!"


They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

One time I had an out-of-body experience...

It was the day I was born.

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This One Time ... (NSFW)

I was constipated and couldn't go.

Told my doctor.

He told me to go smack a random woman's ass.

I did.

She kicked the shit outta me.

One time my friend said to treat him like a god...

So now I only talk to him when I need a favor.

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One time I gave a supermodel a golden shower.

She looked pretty pissed.

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

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One time a demon showed her daughter how to use a tampon

It was an excellent demonstruation

One time I saw 4 kids bullying another kid so I decided to step in

He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

One Time Long Ago, Way Back In Medieval Times...

There was a brave knight named Sir Finley who fought everything the king commissioned him to. One day, a dragon terrorized a nearby village, scaring the kingdom. Sir Finley was sent of to slay this terrible dragon. Once he got there, the dragon’s tail knocked him off balance. Sir Finley fell to the ...

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One time I took my friend who suffered from premature ejaculation to a brothel to work on his stamina.

He blew it.

So one time I was at the cemetery...

...and I heard some faint music... was it coming out of a grave?? I investigated further and I recognized that the music was Beethoven's symphonies being played backwards... 5... then 4... then 3... then I realized to my horror... it was Beethoven in his grave... DECOMPOSING!

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My dad never thought I could speak Japanese, so one time I was at a restaurant.

While at the restaurant, my dad said:
“If you can, speak to that waitress and order some dumplings in Japanese.”

I said: “Ok.”

The waitress came and I said: “Kon’nichiwa.”
They then looked me dead in the eyes and said: “Get the fuck out.”

As we were walking t...

One time I went to Blockbusters and asked if I could rent Batman Forever...

The man at the counter said, “NO! You can only rent it for the week”!

One time when I was young...

One time when I was young I did something really stupid. So my mother started disciplining me. Only this time in particular, some music had started playing. I wanted to go turn it off, but she beat me to it.

One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the...

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One time I took Viagra and Exlax

I couldn't tell if I was coming or going

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I was in Georgia one time

I saw a sign on the side of the road that said *All Flavors of Georgia Peaches*. I thought "I might as well see what this is" and pulled into the ranch.

I walked up to the man in the ranch house and asked him what this was all about. He replied, "I have every flavor of peach you could think ...

One time I got drunk and took the bus...

Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

This one time Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest..

His entry left the judges speechless.

One time I had a doughnut stuffed with icing

It was filling!

one time in Vietnam my drill sergeant angrily asked who the hell kept quoting Credence Clearwater Revival

I said "It ain't me"

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

One time I walked into a bathroom and there were no urinals

I thought, "huh... that's strange." The girls that came in after me were apparently pretty freaked out by it too.

One time I gave my honest thoughts on this dude’s art

I said “I appreciate the effort, but you should really look into another career, Adolf”

One time at the pub I told a violent trouble maker to step outside so I could give him a good hiding

He still hasn't found me

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One time there was two farmers

One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Plato, Missouri. They was always good friends, and Biil’s oldest boy had been a-charmin’ one of Sam’s daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty god damn mad. “Bill,” says he, “from...

One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

This one time my fly was down.

So I told it not to worry, that everything would get better and then it buzzed away happily.

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Just takes one time...

A couple walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. Next to them is an obviously inebriated older guy just sippin' his drink staring at nothing in particular.

"You see that door over there?" He grumbles to no one in particular, "I framed that door. Did the measurements myself, put it up an...

One time in band camp...

They threatened me with eternal torture.


Oh wait that was Bible camp.

This one time, people completely overused a word and ruined it forever.

It was epic.

That one time i hired a hooker...

... She offered me the girlfriend experience for no extra charge, of course i accepted ...

... i did not expect however that she would roll up in to a blanket burrito, order Pizza and watch Netflix.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

So one time i joined a Slovakian circus...

I got in with the tightrope walkers. The coach had designed this elaborate, rigorous training program. It was a whole system of Czechs and balances.

One time I hosted a Halloween party and everybody had the same costume

The invisible man

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I told my wife to pull on my peepee one time if she wants to have sex

...and to pull on it 250 times if she doesn’t want to have sex.

One time the Pillsbury Doughboy attacked me.

I kicked him in his doughnuts and ran.

One time, the parents went out to dinner.

The sitter called and asked if she could cover the creepy clown statue in the kid's room.
The dad said: "Get out of the house. Call the police. We don't have a clown statue!"
By the time police arrived the scene, they found they did have a clown statue and the dad had alzheimer's.

There was this one time I discovered a time machine...

I still remember it like it was tomorrow.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher...

But then I remembered I was homeschooled

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