At Once Jokes - 57 Hilarious At Once Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri..

Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state, crippling depression.

I said, "I'm so sorry."

-

"But you can't count Missouri twice."

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How do you piss off thousands of people on the internet all at once?

[deleted]

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must ...

How does a human make all three states of matter at once?

Diarrhea.

A Man Asks for Three Shots At Once

One day a man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I’m gonna be having three shots, please. But, rather than one shot at a time, I’d like all three at once”

The bartender is confused by this request and asks, “why?”

The man replies, “Well, you see, I’m very close to my two brothe...

How do you kill an entire circus at once?

Go for the juggler.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

Why is it impossible to park your boat in two places at once?

Because that would require a pair a docks.

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

Did you know they sell older rap songs at a discount if you buy two at once?

They call it the Tupac-bundle.

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border at once?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

How do you kill 50 flies at once?

Hit a Somalian child in the face with a shovel.

NEVER ALL AT ONCE

**A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.**

**“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.**

**“Oh, that’s ho...

How many birds can fit into a cage at once?

Toucan

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My grandfather killed 15 Nazis at once.

He was the worst damn mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

Why don't Americans switch from pounds to killograms all at once?

Because it will cause mass confusion

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.

The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something

Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."

Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you ha...

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

A man ordered two drinks at once every day...

The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked w...

6 women at once sounds like a great idea...

Dozen tit

How did Moses break all the laws at once?

He threw them on the Golden Calf...

How do you talk to a bunch of pine trees all at once?

On a coniference call.

What do you call a transphobe that can turn on 50 lights at once?

A Jenner-hater

I once knew a woman that dated several knights at once

Polyarmory.

Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?

Fear of over dos

Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once?

Its something that 100 men or more could never do

My dad works as a chiropractor and sees two patients at once.

Back to back.

How do you kill 20 flies at once?

Slap that little Ethiopian in the face.

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I've never had sex with two women at once...

But I have slept with somebody who *weighs* as much as two women.

-Dave Attell

I always get bored and frustrated jacking off three bus drivers at once.

You're going at it for ages then suddenly...

How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

Why did the priest read out of two bibles at once?

for cross-reverence.

How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?

Santa isn't real.

What kind of punch is strong enough to kill 20 kids and 6 adults at once?

A Sandy Hook

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

“Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

A man walks into the bar and orders 3 beers at once

He explains to the bartender that he just moved to the city and promised his two drinking buddies that whenever he went out to drink, he'd get one for them too.

This tradition continues for months until one day, this man walks in and orders two beers.

The bartender says "oh no! Did o...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

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How to offend a lot of redditors at once?

You're penis

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What do you call a girl who has sex with 3 guys at once?

Air tight

I patented a new bullet that will kill 2 deer at once

You get more buck for your bang!

Met Roy Moore at a bar once...

Chatted him up about wanting to hook up with twenty-nine year olds.

He looked at me with disbelief and asked "how are you going to do all twenty at once?"

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

A man, new to town, walks into a bar and asks for three pints of Guinness, served all at once.

The bartender mentions that he might better enjoy them one at a time, so they don’t get warm, but the man tells him this story:

“You see, I’m an identical triplet, and I just moved here from my hometown. My brothers and I all agreed that every Tuesday night, we would go to the bar and order t...

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

I didn't think Miss Hilton could consume all those painkillers at once, but wow!

Paracetomol!

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

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