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Natural Jokes

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

Things aren't automatically good just because they're made from natural ingredients

Just look at Ed Gein's lampshade.

What is a lion’s favorite natural phenomenon?

A-roar-a Borealis

People who like being photographed in natural light..

..should be taken outside and shot.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?

Natural stupidity!

Man: He died of natural causes

Judge: You pushed him off a building

Man: Gravity is natural

Why are geckos natural-born story tellers?

Dropping a tail is in their nature.

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Natural Medicine For Guys.

1: Go up to a tree and take a piss, if your pee attracts ants, you have diabetes.

2: If it dries fast, your sodium is high.

3: If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.

4: If you forgot to unzip, Alzheimer.

5: If yo missed the tree, Parkinson's.

6:If you pe...

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has ...

Why are natural red heads so rare?

Because god is a bad cook

What do you call it when the Air Force tries to convince UFO witnesses they saw natural phenomenon?

Swampgaslighting

What do you call a fast-working marine animal in its natural habitat?

A fish in sea.

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

I want my joke about taps to come naturally

So I'm not going to faucet

Of all the natural phenomena...

Carcinization is the one that makes me crabby.

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

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Why are hurricanes the best natural disaster?

They at least have the decency to get you wet before violently fucking you!

Men naturally choose high paying careers, like doctor, engineer, or CEO. Women naturally gravitate toward lower paying careers ...

... like female doctor, female engineer, or female CEO.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

People not wanting to wearing masks is natural.

Natural selection.

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It is Perfectly Natural to be Gay

I mean... we are ***Homo*** Sapiens after all

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Silicon boobs are organic and 100% natural

Because Silicon is the most common element in the Earth's surface.

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
...

Contrary to popular belief, Children are not a natural occurrence...

Turns out they are Man-made.

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death.

So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

I looked in the brochure to see if there were any natural, water-based passages,

but it didn't give me a strait answer.

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What do you call a natural disaster full of prostitutes?

A whornado

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

Natural Selection

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the...

Two friends are walking in a natural park

At some point, they see a very rare and beautiful squirrel.
“Should we take it with us?” Says one of the two.
“Yes, but hide it in your underpants in case we meet a ranger.”
So the guy puts the squirrel in his underpants and they keep walking.

Right outside the park, they meet an act...

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."

People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

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Our President Trump is naturally gifted!

There are not many people who can talk and shit through the same hole.

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...make lemonade.

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,

until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Homosexuality is not natural!

Just like healing illnesses by touch, walking over water and raising from the dead after a few days.

Homosexuality is a miracle.

My math professor explained natural numbers

Natural numbers are like beer. You can have 1 beer, 2 beers, 3 beers... but not 0 beers, that's unnatural.

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When people at work ask me, "What's up?!", I always reply naturally, with... "Same shit, different day!".

They always seem delighted, but I'm sittin' over here with one pair of underwear and a clothes washer that doesn't work!

Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me

I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards

I was asked at my last job interview if I was a natural born citizen?

I had to tell the truth: "Nope. Cesarean!

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

Found a hair in my McDonald’s burger, I was so surprised…

…I didn’t know they used natural ingredients

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Why does Russia have so much natural gas?

Because their leader is always Putin

NATURAL BLONDE

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
A: Artifical intelligence.

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

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If the space between a woman's natural breasts is called "cleavage,"...

Then the space between a woman's fake breasts must be the Silicone Valley?

Why are the majority of archeologists women?

They have a natural ability to dig up the past.

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

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Why is it that when kids touch themselves, it's "perfectly natural"...

but when I do it, I'm a "pedophile"?

NATURAL DEATH

In a court, a murder case was brought to a
judge...
JUDGE: Did you kill this man?
ME: No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of
lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is
part of nature. He died of natural causes.
JUDGE: Case closed.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

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Decided to visit my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

It’s only natural that all politicians have a God complex.

They haven’t done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them.

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