Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Why is the sea salty?

Because no matter how much it waves, no-one ever waves back.

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

How did the sea horse win the race?

He scalloped.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

Why did Ariel wear sea shells?

The D shells were too large.

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

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Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

What lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysia flight 370

What does a sea monster eat?

Fish and ships

I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

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What do you call men from the sea?

Mermen. You fucking weirdo.

I told a joke to a giant sea creature the other day.

I knew it was a good one because they were kraken up.

(Thought of this joke at 2am the other day, hope ya like it)

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels.

The was a fight at a sea food restaurant

There were battered fish everywhere

An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore. The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?". The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste. She replies...

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

I wanted to make a joke about the sea

But it was so deep that I nearly drowned.

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Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines...

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.

Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"

Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year...

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

I just got off the phone with Sea World...

They said my call may be used for training porpoises

How do sea animals communicate?

With shellphones

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Tropical Storm Karen (2019), briefly affected Puerto Rico before moving out to sea.

Typical Karen move, lots of noise then buggers off in a huff.

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

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Murphy and Patrick were fishing in the sea

Murphy and Patrick were fishing out at sea when their boat died. They spent two days floating at sea and trying to fix the engine. On the third day Murphy saw a bottle in the water and grabbed it. When he uncorked the bottle a genie came out and told him that he getd one wish. Murphy thought to hims...

SEAN CONNERY: Look a sea horse

**ME:** They're called mares

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

I wanted to join the Navy.

But that ship has sailed.



I’ll sea myself out.

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

Did you hear about the underwater bar for mythical sea mammals?

It served no real porpoise

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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The pirate

A man walks into a pub down by the wharf and sits at the bar next to a man with an eyepatch, a hook on his right hand and a wooden leg. The man exclaims, " Wow you must be a pirate!" How did you lose your leg? The pirate looks over and says, "well lad it was my first day onboard me ship, I haven't q...

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

Wreck

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

If you are addicted to seaweed...

...sea kelp.

What happens if you throw a white stone into the Black Sea?

It gets wet, what’d you think?

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

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A Man is Walking Down a Beach

A man is walking down a beach when he comes across an old lady with no arms or legs sat by the sea crying.

Worried she might be hurt or in danger the man walks over to the old lady and asks her whats wrong.

"I've lived a good life, despite my condition." She replies "but I've never bee...

A sailor returns to the shore after a month at sea.

Sailor: "Land ho!"


Girlfriend: "If you keep calling me that I'm going to stop coming to meet you."

Showing Off

An American, a Cuban, a Scotsman and a lawyer, were on a cruise ship. As they were standing on the deck, watching the waves and chatting, each one started showing off.
The Cuban took out a nice Cohiba cigar, lit it, took just one puff and tossed it into the sea. The other guys were flabbergasted....

What do you call the Pope's sea-faring vessel? [OC]

Holy ship!

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

where is the Pope's favourite beach?

The paper sea.

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

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Another 'Walk into the Bar' joke.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." The bartender asks about his wooden leg. "You didn't have that before?" The pirate says, "Well, we were in a battle and I go...

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captain's crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Light beer is like having sex on a boat in the middle of the sea.

It's fucking close to water.

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My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

Balloon Ride

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You...

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

What is the tightest fish in the sea?

Cheap skate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel are standing on the shore

Trump starts to boast how the new US Submarines can stay underwater for 6 months. Putin chimes in how their new Subs are capable of more than 9.
After a short pause they look at Merkel. But she just turns to the sea. A Submarine is slowly emerging. A hatch opens and a man in uniform salutes and ...

The papal elections came down to two contenders:

Cardinal Koch and Cardinal Sea. The votes were tallied and Cardinal Koch won by 1 vote. However, moments later, Koch suffered a massive heart attack.

The Dean came out of the room where they took Koch. He looked at the assembled cardinals. They asked, “Will we have Pope Koch?”. The Dean shook...

I was walking along the beach, and threw pebbles into the sea

My wife will go mad; she loved that dog.

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

Why can't blind people eat fish?

Because it's sea food.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

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