Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

What does a sea monster eat?

Fish and ships

Someone made an explosive seashell and placed it on the sea floor.

It was called Sea4.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell

on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore. The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?". The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste. She replies...

Sea life joke

So the flounder was chatting with his eel friend and asked
"Have you heard about the new twin squid?"
And the eel replied
"Yeah, I heard they were totally i-Tentacle"

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

I wanted to make a joke about the sea

But it was so deep that I nearly drowned.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

I just got off the phone with Sea World...

They said my call may be used for training porpoises

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Tropical Storm Karen (2019), briefly affected Puerto Rico before moving out to sea.

Typical Karen move, lots of noise then buggers off in a huff.

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Murphy and Patrick were fishing in the sea

Murphy and Patrick were fishing out at sea when their boat died. They spent two days floating at sea and trying to fix the engine. On the third day Murphy saw a bottle in the water and grabbed it. When he uncorked the bottle a genie came out and told him that he getd one wish. Murphy thought to hims...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

How do sea animals communicate?

With shellphones

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

Did you hear about the underwater bar for mythical sea mammals?

It served no real porpoise

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Two men were cast away at sea

They landed on a island and were captured by the native people. They were taken to the tribal chief and he told them "you have two choices watuk watuk or death". The first cast away chose watuk watuk and a native with the biggest 13 inch cock came in and fucked the castaway. The second cast away sa...

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

SEAN CONNERY: Look a sea horse

**ME:** They're called mares

Why is the sea so salty?

Because the land never waves back.

What do you call a private investigator at sea?

A p aye

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysian airlines 103.

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

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I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

Their was a fight at the sea food restaurant

battered fish every where

Have you heard about the lobster that rode a sea mammal into battle?

He did it on Porpoise.

A man is drowning out at sea

A boat comes and asks if he needs any help.

“No, no thank you. God will save me!” Is what the drowning man replies.

He continues to drown and struggle, with no sign of God.

Another boat comes along and asks if the man needs assistance.

“Of course not! God will save me...

What do you call the Pope's sea-faring vessel? [OC]

Holy ship!

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

What happens if you throw a white stone into the Black Sea?

It gets wet, what’d you think?

Police are looking for the person(s) responsible for drawing graffiti on local sea life

Police are saying its no accident and has been done on porpoise.

Two Irishmen are stranded at Sea when a genie appears...

“I will grant one wish” states the genie.

The first Irishman shouts, without consulting with the other, “I wish that this entire Ocean was made of beer!”

The second Irishman smacks the first in the back of the head. “You idiot!!”

“Now we have to pee in the boat!”

A sailor returns to the shore after a month at sea.

Sailor: "Land ho!"


Girlfriend: "If you keep calling me that I'm going to stop coming to meet you."

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

fishing is like girlfriends

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks ...

What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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Light beer is like having sex on a boat in the middle of the sea.

It's fucking close to water.

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

How do you call a german sea mammal?

ADolphin!

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

help shark

The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"

i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

Arguably the most common pirate joke around:

What be a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

Arrrrr! (R)

Ah, ye think be Arrrr, but it be the Sea! (C)

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

Man on a deserted island (Long)

A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good...

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My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I was walking along the beach, and threw pebbles into the sea

My wife will go mad; she loved that dog.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She lowered her altitude and spotted a man below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above g...

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Cruise ship magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shout...

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It was the first day of school...

... and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "P...

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

I'm thinking about starting up a neurodivergent, mermaid-themed parody band of AC/DC. It's gonna be called

OCD Sea

Did you know that pirates don't know the alphabet?

They get lost at sea.

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

Why are fire trucks red???

Because they have 8 wheels....
They hold 4 passengers...
8+4=12...
There are 12 inches in a foot...
A foot is also known as a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was also the name of a ship...
That ship sailed the seas...
In the seas there are fish...
...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming around.

The first whale says to the second whale

"You know what, it's getting a bit boring. Ya know what? How about we go use our blow holes to capsized that fisher boat over there?"

The second whale then replies..

"What a great idea! Let's go do it!"

So both of the whales go and...

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Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma. Dow...

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What do 10 year olds on COD and the sea have in common?

They're both salty as fuck

Q: What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

A: Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!


\*Walks away slowly\*

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

I forget, with Paul Revere was it 1 if by land, 2 if by sea,

3 if by air?

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

What did the sea say to the shore ?

Nothing it just waved

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Where do drunk sea flowers go?

Alcoholics Anemones.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

Scientists have succeeded in crossing a man with a sea-cow!

Oh the humanatee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

How do you cut the ocean in half?

A SEA-SAW

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The alphabet is terrifying...

A bee sea, sounds fucking terrifying.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

If Merman's best friend is dogfish, what's Mermaid's best friend?

Sea cucumber.

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