Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

What's the diffrence between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron

What do you call the Pope's sea-faring vessel? [OC]

Holy ship!

A man is drowning out at sea

A boat comes and asks if he needs any help.

“No, no thank you. God will save me!” Is what the drowning man replies.

He continues to drown and struggle, with no sign of God.

Another boat comes along and asks if the man needs assistance.

“Of course not! God will save me...

What did the sailor say when the sea was filled with soda?

This must be a Fanta-sea!

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What does America say when the sea level rises?

Oh shit I lost my Keys

How do you call a german sea mammal?

ADolphin!

A sailor returns to the shore after a month at sea.

Sailor: "Land ho!"


Girlfriend: "If you keep calling me that I'm going to stop coming to meet you."

Two Irishmen are stranded at Sea when a genie appears...

“I will grant one wish” states the genie.

The first Irishman shouts, without consulting with the other, “I wish that this entire Ocean was made of beer!”

The second Irishman smacks the first in the back of the head. “You idiot!!”

“Now we have to pee in the boat!”

What happens if you throw a white stone into the Black Sea?

It gets wet, what’d you think?

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

My girlfriend has a tattoo of sea shell on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

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Light beer is like having sex on a boat in the middle of the sea.

It's fucking close to water.

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

Malaysian airlines 173

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

I was walking along the beach, and threw pebbles into the sea

My wife will go mad; she loved that dog.

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

I had a dream I was drowning in orange soda.

Luckily it was a Fanta sea.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

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One of my dads favorite jokes....

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him th...

In which state does the Arabian Sea lie ?

Liquid state ..

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My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

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What do 10 year olds on COD and the sea have in common?

They're both salty as fuck

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

I forget, with Paul Revere was it 1 if by land, 2 if by sea,

3 if by air?

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Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma. Dow...

Scientists have succeeded in crossing a man with a sea-cow!

Oh the humanatee.

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

Where do drunk sea flowers go?

Alcoholics Anemones.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

I dreamed last night I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

What did the sea say to the shore ?

Nothing it just waved

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

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What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

Have you noticed

That Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?

I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

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A sailor walked into a bar after a long time at sea.

Desperate to get down to business, he walked up to a sexy blonde and asked, “Hey baby, do you like sea men?”

She replied, “Not really. Too salty!”

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

A ship at sea was approached by 2 pirate ships...

The captain of the ship tells his men to get ready for battle, and orders his first mate to go get his red shirt.

After they defeated the pirate ship the first mate approaches the captain and asks “captain why did you want me to get you a red shirt?is it a lucky shirt?”

The captain ans...

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea, who would you save?

Husband: I would save my mother, then I'll come back and drown myself to be with you forever.

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

What do vampires cross the sea in?

Blood vessels.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

[At sea] Pirate 1: I can’t wait to see my wife again.

Pirate 2: Land ho!

Pirate 1: Screw you! That’s really rude!

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

Your mama so fat...

She won a free carnival cruise and the Sea Shepards attacked.

Im on a seafood diet,..

I sea food, then I eat it.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

A man seas a boat full of people from atop a hill.

He was very curious as to who was on the boat and had time to waste, so he decided to walk down to the dock and take a look.
When he got down there he did not see a single soul in sight.
Everyone on the boat was a ginger.

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

I went to a sea food disco last night...

I pulled a mussel

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

How do pirates celebrate when they meet at sea?

With a boarding party!

Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus s...

Why wasn't the sea urchin invited to the pool party?

Because he was acting like a little prick

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P







Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because Dshells were too big.

I saw a multicolored sea cow get hit by a boat

Oh the Hue Manatee!

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

How do we know the ocean is a woman?

Because she wears sea cups.

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Pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!!"

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battl...

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