UPJOKE
oceanlakenorth seaseawaterwaterred seamooncoral reefantarcticarivercoralearthshellfishfreshwaterbody of water

They say the sea is salty from the tears of sailors.

After being on a ship for months with only men, I can assure you it’s not from their tears.

Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?

Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.

Why did the Little Mermaid wear Sea shells?

Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

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What's the difference between the flagship of the Russian Black Sea Fleet and a piece of shit?

A piece of shit floats.

Why don’t Russian sailors take showers at sea?

They prefer to wash up on shore

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?

Bob

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

I don’t get how deep-sea fish always look so chill

They are always under so much pressure..

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seasaw.

A young boy was swimming in the sea on his own...

So I threw some binoculars at him.

I yelled to him 'You need supervision!'

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels

What lays at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

What do you call a semi-conductor that roams the sea and attacks other vessels?

A pirate chip.

A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...

I heard they had to re-seal the tank...

Have you heard the joke about the sea monster?

It’s kraken people up.

You can't go around saying that the polar ice caps are causing sea levels to rise.

That's glacial profiling.

why in Finland do they think the devil lives at the bottom of the sea?

Because helsinki.

Why did the sea lion go to a Tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

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Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

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A shipwrecker was swimming in the sea with his last ounce of strength, when he saw an island.

He rejoiced and started to swim towards the shore, when suddenly, he felt something squeeze him hard by the balls.

An unknown creature appeared below the surface of the water. Surprisingly, it spoke with a deep voice:
"Plus two or minus two?"
He was puzzled, but he wanted to get t...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Why did the hippie die at sea?

He was too far out man

How do Chinese people cross the sea?

on the censor-ship.

There's plenty of fish in the sea they say.

Until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat

They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.

Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns bla...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.


"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".


The sailors are ...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

2000 people die at sea every year.

Let that sink in

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.

The waitress smiled sweetly and said - "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster......"

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.

I longed to cruise through the majestic, towering cliffs and deep glacial sea inlets of Norway and Iceland. Sadly, the cost was more than my salary...

I couldn't a-**fjord** it.

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

What do merpeople smoke?

Sea weed

I am a sea of feelings.

An emocean.

What was Moses's plan?

1. talk to burning bush
2. part Red Sea
3. climb Mount Sinai
4. ?????????
5. PROPHET!!!!

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

Who’s the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

An English ship is in distress at sea.

One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: “We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!”

A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: “Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?”

What happens when you throw a green apple into the Red Sea?

It's getting wet!

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

Three shipwreck survivors were on a life boat

After several weeks stranded at sea, they'd nearly run through their supplies. Now that they were down to a single can of ham, they decided that to have the best shot of one of them surviving, the ham should go to the person who still held the most hope. So, they decided that they would all go to sl...

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

But why would you buy seashells if you're already by the sea?

A ship's captain out at sea notices smoke on the horizon...

...he orders the ship to head towards the smoke. As the ship gets closer to the source of the smoke, the captain can see through his binoculars a deserted island with three huts and a man waving his arms to be rescued.

The ship sends a small boat to the island which returns with the man grat...

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Putin has a sex life problem...

...his sea-men count has declined.

Around 50 million years ago, whales lived on land. Until some of them decided to go back to the sea.

The rest of them stayed on land and became yo mumma

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

What day of the week do sea monsters get married?

Wednesday

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

How do you sink an 'unsinkable' modern nuclear submarine?

Let the Russian Navy take it out for a training exercise in the Barents Sea.

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NSFW what's long, hard and filled with semen?

A penis. Boats are filled with sea men.

Spelling matters, people.

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

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Island life

A man got a nice new high performance boat for seafaring. On his maiden voyage, he decided to take his two most trusty companions, his dog and his goat.

While at sea, a massive storm hits, and man, dog, and goat end up stranded on a desert island. The man finds wood and builds shelter, fishes...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

Don't worry, plenty of more fish in the sea

Except wherever the Chinese fishing fleet has been.

Your mom is so fat,

The Red Sea is easier to part than her legs.

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A Pirate walks into his local tavern.

He has just returned from a long venture out at sea and hasn’t been there for a while.

The bartender sees him and immediately screams, “Holy hell, what happen to your leg?”

Pirate: “What do you mean?”

Bartender: “What do I mean?! you got a bloody piece of wood where your leg was...

It’s really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Did you hear about the woman who gave birth at sea ?

She had to have an emergency sea-section.

(Oh! I haven't finished with this joke yet!)

She had a bouncing baby buoy.

Why didn’t the integral like going to the beach?

Because he didn’t like the sun, let alone the sun PLUS SEA.

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Someone told me there are more aircrafts in the ocean then there are submarines in the air

Of course that was plane to sea

What do you call a sea cow in Seattle?

A sea-cattle.





I'm so sorry for the cringe...

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

What do you call a fast-working marine animal in its natural habitat?

A fish in sea.

A woman gets a small tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

You hold your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean.

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea?

Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

Old Arabs used primitive stenography in war correspondence by sending meaningless sentences, with the initial letters of words as the real deal.

Thus was: We Hate Early Retreat Ending after returning eager to have eggs after rear right of wet sea.

And we used to send a reply as this one:

Upon  Pondering Your Order Utmost rates are still solid

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

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Two pilots with white canes proceed to enter their plane's cockpit...

Two pilots with white canes are on their way to their passenger plane's cockpit. They tap here and there with the stick and enter the cockpit. One of the passengers , a business man , notices and exclaims , " Hey , are those two pilots blind?!" . This arises panic between the passengers. Soon afterw...

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On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

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Deep-Sea Diver

deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the ...

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