Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later. The sailors that find him are surprised to see 3 large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house,” he says. “I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plu...

A magician was working on a cruise ship out at sea.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shoutin...

"Leagues" in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" refers to horizontal distance, not depth.

Otherwise it would be called "Journey to the Center of the Earth."

What is it called when a Kardashian falls into the sea?

Pollution.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

Who cleans the sea?

A mer-maid

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

What do you get if you cross a sea monster and a duck?

A quacken

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be Bagels.

Why does Ariel wear sea shells?

Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big

What sea creature likes knock knock jokes?

A Knocktopus

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

What do you call a homeless sea creature?

A street urchin!

A pirate captain was out at sea when his first mate ran to him suddenly...

The first mate shouted “Sir! Theres a ship on the horizon armed with 10 cannons and 100 men!”

The captain replied, “bring me my red shirt and prepare for battle!”

The pirates fight and win the battle, making off with all the treasure. A few days later, the first mate again run up yell...

A man who needed extra cash swam out into sea

He was trying to find a lone shark

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."

It was his first day with the hook.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

Why was the eskimo arrested by the United nations after killing a oversized sea mammal?

Crimes against huge manatee

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

A tourist is at the Sea of Galilee and is looking for a boat trip

A tourist is at the Sea of Galilee and is looking for a boat trip. He asks the boatman how much would it cost.

The boatman: 100 dollar.

The tourist: That's outrageous, it can't cost this much

The boatman: But Jesus himself walked on these waters!

The tourist: Yah,no w...

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A man and his wife, who live on the beach, decide they want to have sea snails for dinner

The man is sent off to go and get some fresh from the beach. While he is collecting them, a gorgeous woman who is jogging along the beach stops and starts flirting with him. After chatting for a bit, he ends up going back to her place for a marathon of sex and completely loses track of time.
...

What did the sea say to the shore that it got upset ?

You're my beach!

I was in the sea having fun and saw a woman just standing there wearing a surgical mask...

Looked a bit strange but I guess she was waiting for the second wave.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What did Moses say when he wanted to cross the Red Sea?

Goddammit.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.



My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

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I have built a thousand houses, yet nobody calls me Peter the House Builter. I have sailed across all the seas yet nobody calls me Peter the Sea Crosser

But i fuck ONE silly goat...

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't hav...

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

What did the journalist say when he saw an obese sea cow explode?

Oh the huge manatee!

Why is the sea salty?

Because no matter how much it waves, no-one ever waves back.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course

Apparently her grades were below C-level.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

How did the sea horse win the race?

He scalloped.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

I told a joke to a giant sea creature the other day.

I knew it was a good one because they were kraken up.

(Thought of this joke at 2am the other day, hope ya like it)

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

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Fuck the Indians!!!

It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chan...

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Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of fizzy drink

But it was just a fanta sea

What lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysia flight 370

Lesser known Knights of the Round Table

“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize

“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference

“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf

“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render

“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real

...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 m...

I don't think I can become a deep sea diver.

I don't perform well under pressure

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

What's the scientific term for sea weed?

Marinejuana

An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore. The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?". The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste. She replies...

What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!

I hate being a pirate in school.

In my report card I always get seven seas.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with ...

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Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines...

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.

Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"

Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year...

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

The was a fight at a sea food restaurant

There were battered fish everywhere

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

why can’t blind kids eat fish?

because it’s sea food

(ready for the downvotes)

Where do mummies swim?

In the Dead Sea.

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Blonde Helping a Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending th...

Dad: “For your birthday, do you want a new weight set or a new treadmill? Also, do you want to have a party at the beach or at the park? Or do you just wanna wait and see what we surprise you with?”

Son: “Weight and sea”

Dad: “okay we’ll just surprise you”

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

I couldn't afford to take the kids to Sea World.

So I took them to the fish market and said, "Shhh, they're all sleeping."

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

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What do you call men from the sea?

Mermen. You fucking weirdo.

A divorced father picks his 5 year old son up for their weekend together.

After they have lunch the father says “what do you want to do now, son?”

Kid says, “I want to go back to Sea World!”

“No, son, we’re not doing that.”

“Please”

“No”

“Pretty please?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“You just got here. I don’t feel like taking yo...

I dreamt that I drowned in an ocean of Coke.

It turned out it was only a pep sea.

Um, there's a mollusk, see?

All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see?

And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they... I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walk...

I wanted to make a joke about the sea

But it was so deep that I nearly drowned.

Young Gulls

The dolphin trainers at the state zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young se...

Interesting fact

There are more planes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

-my brother

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It's a pirate recruit's first day on his new ship (long)

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."

"...

How does a fish get high?

Sea-weed

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.

Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."

Husband: "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."

wife: "And what about the smell???"


Husband: "Just block the fish'...

Sea shell

When you put a Sea shell on your ear you can hear the sea.
SO my girlfriend had the bright idea to place a tattoe of a Sea shell on her inner leg.
Now whenever i place my ear on her shell, instead of hearing, i can smell the sea.

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The cow nsfw

Once upon a time there lived a family and their cow. One morning the mother woke up and saw the cow Laying on the ground dead and she said to herself“ if the cow is dead than I can’t sell here milk and if i can’t sell milk then I can’t feed my family so there is no point in living” and she hang her...

Did you hear about the Polish admiral who wanted to be buried at sea?

6 men died trying to dig his grave

I would tell a joke about the seaside

But I don’t want to be a beach or shellfish. I can under sand why you don’t want to hear them and I’m sad my jokes can’t surface. I cliff you not, I do have jokes and oh buoy is it annoying that I can’t tell them but I guess someone else’s joke caught your sails. I do (f)eel like my jokes have a ch...

How do sea animals communicate?

With shellphones

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Sailors and Sex

A newly recruited sailor is preparing for this first long journey.

Aboard the ship, he's making acquaintances and realizes that there are no women on board.

He asks one the captain. "Captain, what does everyone do when they get horny after being out at sea for so long?" to which the c...

It is really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

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Murphy and Patrick were fishing in the sea

Murphy and Patrick were fishing out at sea when their boat died. They spent two days floating at sea and trying to fix the engine. On the third day Murphy saw a bottle in the water and grabbed it. When he uncorked the bottle a genie came out and told him that he getd one wish. Murphy thought to hims...

SEAN CONNERY: Look a sea horse

**ME:** They're called mares

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

Did you hear about the underwater bar for mythical sea mammals?

It served no real porpoise

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