This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

I once dated a girl who had a pink seashell tattoo on her inner thigh.

It was pretty, when you put your ear on it you could smell the ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because Dshells were too big.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

What did the river say to the sea...

Why you being so SALTY

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

Malaysian airlines 103

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be called bagels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!



(*forgive me*)

In which state does the Arabian Sea lie ?

Liquid state ..

What sea animal likes hugs the most?

The cuddlefish

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma. Dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do 10 year olds on COD and the sea have in common?

They're both salty as fuck

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm done.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I...

Where do drunk sea flowers go?

Alcoholics Anemones.

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

I forget, with Paul Revere was it 1 if by land, 2 if by sea,

3 if by air?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

-- Cortana on my tablet

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

There once was a lady from China, who had a great big....

...cargo liner.
Shipping drinks of crushed fruit
90 sailors to boot
She had a boat load of sea-men 'n cider

What did the sea say to the shore ?

Nothing it just waved

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

A ship at sea was approached by 2 pirate ships...

The captain of the ship tells his men to get ready for battle, and orders his first mate to go get his red shirt.

After they defeated the pirate ship the first mate approaches the captain and asks “captain why did you want me to get you a red shirt?is it a lucky shirt?”

The captain ans...

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor walked into a bar after a long time at sea.

Desperate to get down to business, he walked up to a sexy blonde and asked, “Hey baby, do you like sea men?”

She replied, “Not really. Too salty!”

What do vampires cross the sea in?

Blood vessels.

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea, who would you save?

Husband: I would save my mother, then I'll come back and drown myself to be with you forever.

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

A man seas a boat full of people from atop a hill.

He was very curious as to who was on the boat and had time to waste, so he decided to walk down to the dock and take a look.
When he got down there he did not see a single soul in sight.
Everyone on the boat was a ginger.

[At sea] Pirate 1: I can’t wait to see my wife again.

Pirate 2: Land ho!

Pirate 1: Screw you! That’s really rude!

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

How do pirates celebrate when they meet at sea?

With a boarding party!

Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus s...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

I went to a sea food disco last night...

I pulled a mussel

I saw a multicolored sea cow get hit by a boat

Oh the Hue Manatee!

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because B were too small and D were too large

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P







Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

Hollywood is going to make a new movie about Moses parting the Red Sea starring Christian Bale.

He says it's only going to take him a year to fatten up to the size of the sea.

Dream

I dreamt of drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night....
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.