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Sea Jokes

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

This weekend a red ship & a blue ship collided at sea

Tragically, all the sailors were marooned.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

What did the Sea Urchin say to the Sea Cucumber?

With fronds like these, who needs anenomies?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

What does Pennsylvania wear to protect itself from the cold sea?

New Jersey.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

They say there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until you catch one you’re just holding your rod.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

Why did SeaWorld close?

It was being reporpoised.

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being...

Why do we call birds flying over the sea seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels !!

They say the sea is a harsh mistress.

But I show up for boot camp in assless chaps and suddenly I'm "not US Navy material?"

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.

"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask a...

Do you know why the sea is salty?

It's because land never waved back

Why don’t Russian sailors take showers at sea?

They prefer to wash up on shore

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

But why would you buy seashells if you're already by the sea?

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

What do you call a giant who drowned in the sea

A titanic

Note: not sure if titan and giant are the same

The temple of the giant sea cow has recently been rebuilt

Faith in huge manatee restored

What do sea lions and Tupperware have in common?

They like a tight seal.

What's the british sea monster's favorite food?

Fish and ships

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seasaw.

They say the sea is salty from the tears of sailors.

After being on a ship for months with only men, I can assure you it’s not from their tears.

A Sea Story

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow...

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysia Flight 370

A trainer at SeaWorld was in charge of keeping the dolphins healthy.

He would feed them, give them medical attention, make sure they were in good spirits. But he knew that the dolphins eventually were going to die. Well, he couldn't have that. After researching for days to no avail, he found an article written by a disgraced marine biologist about how dolphins could ...

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[NSFW] Sailor Smitty has retired after a long life at sea, and decides to go to college.

One of the first classes he takes is “Human Sexuality 101.” Why not?

On the first day of class the professor says “We will be discussing a variety of human sexual combinations and experiences. There are a great many… “

Sailor Smitty shouts “104!”

The professor says “That...

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What branch of Seaslugs Inc do stripper sea slugs work at?

The nudibranch

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

Why did the hippie die at sea?

He was too far out man

A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...

I heard they had to re-seal the tank...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?

Bob

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

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Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me bo...

Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea?

Because they're sea pickles!

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

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What do you call the stupidest fish in the sea?

A dumb bass.

How do Chinese people cross the sea?

on the censor-ship.

I am a sea of feelings.

An emocean.

Who’s the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

Malaysian airlines 103

I find it really hard to tell my friends what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

A sponge was talking to her friend the sea urchin about her upcoming vacation.

“Do you have any big plans?”, asked the sea urchin.

“Not really,” answered the sponge. “I'm just going to soak up the scenery.”

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

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Deep-Sea Diver

deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the ...

Did you hear about the beakers that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean

A young boy was swimming in the sea on his own...

So I threw some binoculars at him.

I yelled to him 'You need supervision!'

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

You’ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”

This was Johnny’s response:

My analyze over the ocean
My analyze over the sea
My analyze over the ocean
Oh bring back my anatomy!

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

Why did the DEA raid the sea?

Because it had traces of seaweed!

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld...

So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells

"There is an enemy ship approaching!"

"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.

"Why?"

"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"

They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells ...

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

An English ship is in distress at sea.

One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: “We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!”

A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: “Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?”

What did the sea say to the river?

You can run but you can't tide!

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

Discussing sea creatures

"A narwhal is the unicorn of the sea, what other sea creatures have a land counterpart?"

"Well a seahorse is the monkey of the sea"

"What? it's called a sea*horse*! what would you call sea monkeys then?"

"A waste of good money"

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat

They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.

Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns bla...

Who cleans the sea?

A mer-maid

Why did the chicken cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

Why is the sea salty?

Because no matter how much it waves, no-one ever waves back.

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

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Mutiny on the high seas!

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking across the channel 300 crates of potatoes which were shaped like male appendages, and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a ...

A mother and her teenage son were walking on the beach...

Suddenly the son asks:
"Mom, what's an alcoholic?"
The mother replies: "See those 2 boats in the sea? An alcoholic would see 4 instead of 2..."
Son: "But mom, there's only one boat."
Mother: "Damn."

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

Why do fish stay in the sea?

Because they know they're Plaice.

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

Don't worry, plenty of more fish in the sea

Except wherever the Chinese fishing fleet has been.

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