Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because Dshells were too big.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!

​

(*forgive me*)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm done.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I...

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

Why do seagulls live by the sea

Because if they lived by the bay they would be bagels

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

​

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

​

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea, who would you save?

Husband: I would save my mother, then I'll come back and drown myself to be with you forever.

A man seas a boat full of people from atop a hill.

He was very curious as to who was on the boat and had time to waste, so he decided to walk down to the dock and take a look.
When he got down there he did not see a single soul in sight.
Everyone on the boat was a ginger.

Why did the seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it’d be a bagel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus s...

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

I met this girl with a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh

She told that if I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean.

How do pirates celebrate when they meet at sea?

With a boarding party!

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

I saw a multicolored sea cow get hit by a boat

Oh the Hue Manatee!

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

I went to a sea food disco last night...

I pulled a mussel

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

Did you hear about that diaster that killed all those sea cows?

Oh the hu-manatee!

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.

It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.

One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But fishing rods, hooks, and bait are so damn expensive.

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P







Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

If a horse trots, does a sea horse

Trout?

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

Dream

I dreamt of drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night....
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea

My love, you remind me the sea...

Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?

No

I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.

Not really.

So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?

Nope.

So what is it then?

You mak...

Dreams

Last night I had a dream I was swimming in orange soda. Sadly it was a fanta-sea.

I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!'

I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

Did you know that the ocean isn't always salty?

Sometimes it's peppery.

Depends on the season.

Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.

You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a Sea-saw

A sailor met a pirate, and they started talking about their adventures at sea.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asked, “so, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!...

A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.

Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".

Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.

Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.

What do you call a pasta sauce made out of sea breezes?

A ‘marine’-‘air’a

I hate being a pirate in school.

Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level..

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes th...

Its difficult to say what my wife does

She sells seashells by the sea shore.

There was a fire at Sea World.

Over the intercom, everyone was told to calmly make their way to the exits.
Some staff stayed behind to secure the animals and maybe stop the blaze.
The Pool Manager noticed Timmy was at the entrance of the building with the fire.
He saw Timmy was throwing dead seals across the doorway.
...

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

A man, his wife and his best friends are stuck at sea on a small boat.

The man and his best friend were trying to make the most of a bad situation until the wind picked up again, by sharing a drink. They sang loudly and boysterously. Much to the distress of the man's wife.

Wife: "I've had enough of you drunken fools and your drunken shenanigans, I'm swimming!"...

Moses and Jesus are in a rowboat on the Red sea talking about the "good ole days".

Moses says "I wonder if I still got it?". He stands up, raises his hands to the sky and, WHOOSH! The sea parts. He lowers his hands, sits down and the water crashes down and returns to a calm. Jesus says "oh yeah? Watch this!". He kicks off his sandals stands up and leaps over the side of the boa...

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

Why did the Surfer get lost at Sea?

Cuz he never learned the alphabet.

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

What lives in the sea and preys on innocent mermaids?

Jack The Kipper

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

Because she grew out of her B-shells.

What is a sea lion's favorite classroom subject?

ART! ART! ART!