UPJOKE
oceanlakenorth seaseawaterwaterred seamooncoral reefantarcticarivercoralearthshellfishfreshwaterbody of water

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.

"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask a...

what should you do if you're addicted to sea weed

Sea kelp

what is the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron.

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

You’ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

If birds that fly over the sea are called seagulls, what do you call birds that fly over the Keys?

Kegels.

Do you know why the sea is salty?

It's because land never waved back

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?

She grew out of her B shells.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

What's the british sea monster's favorite food?

Fish and ships

What do you call a giant who drowned in the sea

A titanic

Note: not sure if titan and giant are the same

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

They say the sea is salty from the tears of sailors.

After being on a ship for months with only men, I can assure you it’s not from their tears.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysia Flight 370

I felt sorry for the sea world animals trapped in enclosures. So I fed them some fish laced with hashish.

It felt good to serve a higher porpoise.

What do you say to a hippie who got lost at sea?

you're far out man

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

Q: Why are all the sea turtles going extinct?

A: Ereptial Dysfunction

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea?

Bob

Why don’t Russian sailors take showers at sea?

They prefer to wash up on shore

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

Did you hear about the beakers that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

Moses

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the ...

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

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What's the difference between the flagship of the Russian Black Sea Fleet and a piece of shit?

A piece of shit floats.

Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?

Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a seasaw.

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

I don’t get how deep-sea fish always look so chill

They are always under so much pressure..

A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...

I heard they had to re-seal the tank...

What lays at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

What do you call a semi-conductor that roams the sea and attacks other vessels?

A pirate chip.

A young boy was swimming in the sea on his own...

So I threw some binoculars at him.

I yelled to him 'You need supervision!'

Have you heard the joke about the sea monster?

It’s kraken people up.

God will save me

A man was out swimming one morning when suddenly he was swept out to sea. The man didn't panic though, for he knew in his heart, that God would save him. After treading water some time, along comes a kid on a small sail boat.
The kid see the man, waves,

"Howdy mister! Need some help?" <...

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

Friend zoned

Girl: "You remind me of the sea."
Boy: "Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?"
Girl: "No, because you make me sick."

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2 whale friends are swimming in the ocean

After a while, they spot a boat and one of the whales goes 'hey! That's the boat that harpooned my father!'

'We have to avenge him!' said the other whale.

So they decided to swim under the boat and blow out of their blowholes at the same time, so the boat would capsize and the men wo...

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Captain Stutteter

There was once a pirate known as Captain Stutteter. One day he said to his crewmates.

"W-when I I I s-s-Say S-Sh-Shore! Eve-everybody jump offboard!"

Hours passed as they sailed the sea while Captain Stutteter scrutinized around with his spyglass. Then he shouted:

"SH-SH!"
<...

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed

There's plenty of fish in the sea they say.

Until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod

why in Finland do they think the devil lives at the bottom of the sea?

Because helsinki.

How do Chinese people cross the sea?

on the censor-ship.

You can't go around saying that the polar ice caps are causing sea levels to rise.

That's glacial profiling.

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

Why did the sea lion go to a Tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

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Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

My butcher has started making sausages from seabirds....

Today he has taken a tern for the wurst.

The Great Showman

While doing his rounds on a cruise ship out at sea, a porter on a cruise ship comes across a homeless man sleeping in a lifeboat. He wakes the man up and asks him why he's there.

"I'm homeless, obviously, just looking for somewhere to lay my head," the homeless man replies.

"Give me on...

2000 people die at sea every year.

Let that sink in

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat

They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.

Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns bla...

I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

How do dried fish greet each other?

«Long time, no sea»

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.

The waitress smiled sweetly and said - "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster......"

The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.

I longed to cruise through the majestic, towering cliffs and deep glacial sea inlets of Norway and Iceland. Sadly, the cost was more than my salary...

I couldn't a-**fjord** it.

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

Why did the captain serve pineapple on his ship?

He heard it makes your seamen sweeter.

I just learned my Great Great Uncle George was in the Navy.

They gave him a burial at sea but it was really difficult because the water kept falling out of the shovel.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

I am a sea of feelings.

An emocean.

Who’s the wealthiest fish in the sea?

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

An English ship is in distress at sea.

One of the English crew members is doing a radio call asking for help: “We are sinking! We are sinking! Can anyone hear? We are sinking!”

A German ship is nearby and receives the emergency call. One of the crew members answers: “Oh how nice! What are you sinking about?”

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

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a man joins the navy

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you,...

Why don’t pirates like Sunny Delight?

They prefer the high sea.

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

Why did the DEA raid the sea?

Because it had traces of seaweed!

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

What happens when you throw a green apple into the Red Sea?

It's getting wet!

I’ve always dreamed of swimming in a body of water filled with soda.

Sadly it’s just a Fanta-sea.

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

Around 50 million years ago, whales lived on land. Until some of them decided to go back to the sea.

The rest of them stayed on land and became yo mumma

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