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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

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My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Because Dshells were too big.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

Malaysian airlines 103

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!



(*forgive me*)

Where do drunk sea flowers go?

Alcoholics Anemones.

I forget, with Paul Revere was it 1 if by land, 2 if by sea,

3 if by air?

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

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I'm done.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I...

What did the sea say to the shore ?

Nothing it just waved

A ship at sea was approached by 2 pirate ships...

The captain of the ship tells his men to get ready for battle, and orders his first mate to go get his red shirt.

After they defeated the pirate ship the first mate approaches the captain and asks “captain why did you want me to get you a red shirt?is it a lucky shirt?”

The captain ans...

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

-- Cortana on my tablet

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

There once was a lady from China, who had a great big....

...cargo liner.
Shipping drinks of crushed fruit
90 sailors to boot
She had a boat load of sea-men 'n cider

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

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A sailor walked into a bar after a long time at sea.

Desperate to get down to business, he walked up to a sexy blonde and asked, “Hey baby, do you like sea men?”

She replied, “Not really. Too salty!”

All sea monsters jokes are...

Kraken me up

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

What do vampires cross the sea in?

Blood vessels.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

What do you call a mathematician on the high seas?

A πrate

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

[At sea] Pirate 1: I can’t wait to see my wife again.

Pirate 2: Land ho!

Pirate 1: Screw you! That’s really rude!

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea

Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea, who would you save?

Husband: I would save my mother, then I'll come back and drown myself to be with you forever.

I rang Sea World this morning ...

They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

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Brian decides it's time to sail the seven seas.

Brian decides it’s high time he make his lifelong dream come true. He buys a boat, gets his gear and sets off to sail the seven seas.

After a few days, a storm whips up. Brian and his ship are lost to the sea.

The next day, Brian wakes up, stranded on a deserted island. He find food...

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

A man seas a boat full of people from atop a hill.

He was very curious as to who was on the boat and had time to waste, so he decided to walk down to the dock and take a look.
When he got down there he did not see a single soul in sight.
Everyone on the boat was a ginger.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

I met this girl with a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh

She told that if I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean.

Why wasn't the sea urchin invited to the pool party?

Because he was acting like a little prick

How do pirates celebrate when they meet at sea?

With a boarding party!

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus s...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

I saw a multicolored sea cow get hit by a boat

Oh the Hue Manatee!

I went to a sea food disco last night...

I pulled a mussel

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P







Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

Did you hear about that diaster that killed all those sea cows?

Oh the hu-manatee!

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.

It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.

One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But fishing rods, hooks, and bait are so damn expensive.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

Dream

I dreamt of drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night....
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea

I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!'

I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

My love, you remind me the sea...

Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?

No

I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.

Not really.

So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?

Nope.

So what is it then?

You mak...

A sailor met a pirate, and they started talking about their adventures at sea.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asked, “so, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!...

Did you know that the ocean isn't always salty?

Sometimes it's peppery.

Depends on the season.

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because B were too small and D were too large

A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.

Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".

Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.

Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.

Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.

You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...

Its difficult to say what my wife does

She sells seashells by the sea shore.

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a Sea-saw

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

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