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Physical Jokes

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

An Old Man Goes In for a Physical...

The doctor concludes his examination and asks the patient if he drinks alcohol.

"I usually have a mimosa in the morning, a glass of wine with dinner, and a can of beer or two before bed."

"Well," says the doctor. "At your age the best thing would be for you to stop drinking entirely."<...

An older man goes to the doctor for his physical.

The doctor hands him a plastic cup, and asks him to bring it back the following day with a sperm sample.

The next day the man returns to the doctor with the cup, which is still empty. The doctor asks what the problem is.

The man says, “well, first I tried for 20 minutes, but could...

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[nsfw] I went to my doctor for a physical. She said, "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I asked how come.

"Because I'm trying to give you an exam."

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

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A new medical student was seeing a patient in a clinic for a physical

As the student was inefficient and slow, the patient became furious and gave him a hard time. The student then said, “let me bring my preceptor so we can do your physical examination together.” The student steps out and returns with the preceptor.

Towards the end of the physical, the precepto...

After every president’s annual physical, the doctor always delivers the same news.

“Mr. President, the good news is that you have both sides of your brain. The bad news is that on the left side, nothing is right; and on the right side, nothing is left.”

What do they call it when two construction machines get into a physical altercation?

A CAT fight

A man was being given a physical exam by a doctor...

... and the doctor noticed a thick callus on the bridge of the man's nose.
"I wonder what caused that" said the doctor.
"Oh, that is from my glasses" said the man.
"That shouldn't be happening" said the doctor. "Have you tried contact lenses?
"Hell no" said the man. "How much be...

"Farther" is physical distance, while "further" is metaphorical distance. And...

"Father" is emotional distance.

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

I've gone back to customer service after two years of working from home and it's been a bit of a shock. The yelling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence.

I'm really struggling to break these habits, any advice?

Pete goes for his yearly physical that's mandated through his work

They send them out in groups to the doctor during the work day.

So it's Pete's turn with the doctor and he leaves his buddies in the waiting room to go into the doctors office. They go through all the motions of an annual physical. Finally at the end the doctor asked Pete to bend over the exa...

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam.

He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?”
“Read it? I dated her in school!”

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During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

The Kinsey Institute once conducted a study on men's preferences for women's physical attributes.

5% of men reported liking long legs. 5% of liked short legs. And the other 90% liked something in between.

The doctor asked me to take off my pants for a physical...

I asked him "where should I put them" he coyly replied "just put them on top of mine"

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical...

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

...

I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty"

I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

Ideas for Physical Puns/Jokes?

I enjoy doing physical puns/jokes to brighten up work, but I'm running out of ideas. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated!

I work in a school, so child-friendly jokes would be best.

Examples of ones I've done so far:

- putting a leek in the cupboard and panicking a...

A man went to the doctor’s office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse “Give me a hand and help me turn him ...

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

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Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

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A wealthy man went to see his family doctor for his annual physical...

The doctor asked the man if he was experiencing any changes to his health.
Shyly the man replies, "Well, actually Doc, I do have a new problem. You see, I've been fooling around with the maid and I think she gave me VD..."

"Oh, I see," says the Doctor, "looks like we'll need to run a few e...

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A 96 year old goes for a physical checkup...

A 96 year old man goes for a physical checkup with his family doctor.

Once he is finished, the doctor looks at the old man and tells him, "Well Alfred, as far as anyone is concerned, you're in top physical shape. You are as healthy as a 50 year old."

"That's great to hear, I feel grea...

Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.

"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.

"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.

Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood p...

A fellow went to the doctor for a physical examination...

... The doctor found him fit as a fiddle, with no sign of any ailments... but when the man left the office, he dropped dead right outside the door. The nurse hurried in and told the doctor, "That man you just examined fell dead on his way out! What shall we do?" The doctor replied, "Go turn him arou...

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

T...

An old man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.

"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."

The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"

The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in t...

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How do you know when a physical therapist is joking?

Because they are pulling your leg.

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old
man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT? What d...

A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.

When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"

"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts t...

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An old guy takes his wife along to his annual physical because he can’t hear so well

The doctor says, “we need samples of your blood, urine, stool, and semen.”

The old guy yells, “WHAT?”

His wife says, “Give the doctor your underwear.”

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

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A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The guy asks, “Why?”
And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”

Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

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I had my annual physical, today.

My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”

And I agreed with him.

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

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What do you call a physical therapist that hates women

Massageynist

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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stop going to those places

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Speaking of people with unusual physical traits:

I once knew a girl who actually had developed her breasts on her back.

She wasn't what you'd call all that good looking, but man she sure was fun to slow dance with!

I think I might have accidentally angered my doctor during my physical...

He told me, "That does it! The gloves are coming off!"

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

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Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

A young busty girl was having a physical exam with her doctor.

Doctor: OK now, big breaths.

Patient: Yah, i know, and i'm only thixtheen

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A woman came home from her annual physical smiling happily.

"What are you so happy about?" her husband asked.

"The doctor finished my physical and told me I have the breasts of an 18 year old!"

Her husband snorted derisively at her.

"Oh yeah? Well what did he say about your 45 year old asshole?"

"I dunno," she replied, "you never ...

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Physical Examination Time!

A man goes to the doctor to get a full physical examination. At one point the doctor asks him to remove his pants and underwear and then proceeds to examine the man's balls. Whilst fondling the man's balls, the doctor says "It's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure". The man, a ...

Electronic Arts should release physical analog day planners.

DLC for Months.
.
Literally.

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I got to the doctor for a physical and he tells me he needs a stool, urine, semen and blood sample

I tell him I'm in a rush doc can't I just leave you my underwear?

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Went for my annual physical

Doc said I could masturbate all I wanted.

His exact words were

"You could have a stroke at any time"

Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

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A woman talks to her husband about her yearly physical

The wife told him, "The doctor said that for a forty-year old I have a twenty-year old's breasts!"

The husband replies, "what about your forty-year old ass?"

The wife answers his question by saying, "I don't think you came up at all in our conversation."

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A Physical at the Doctor

A man is at the Dr. getting a physical and she tells him to take off his pants to examine him.

Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your knees!?
Patient: Kneasles.
Dr: Don't you mean measles?
Patient: No it's kneasles, disease of the knees.
Dr: ummm ok, well take off your socks so I can ex...

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Favorite porn genre of physical trainers?

Step-Aerobics

I was doing well in Physical Education class until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

Dr John was caught having a physical relationship with one of his patients

Dr. Phil his co-worker was left flabbergasted learning about this incident.

Dr Phil- Dr. John how could you!

Dr John- Well i am neither the first one nor the last one having a physical relationship with a patient.

Dr Phil- Sir but we are forensic specialist.

Dr John- Well...

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

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What do you call it when a person will give you a hand job in return for any physical item?

Jack off all trades

All my physical relationships are like past-tense verbs

They end with ED.

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Why are physical therapists always so calm?

Because it's their job to exercise patience.

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A woman was at her doctor's office for her annual physical exam.

The doctor looked her over and said, "You seem to be in excellent health, but I noticed you have severe abrasions on your knees and elbows. Do you know what caused them?"

The woman blushed a little and said, "That's from having sex doggy-style."

The doctor asked, "Surely you must know...

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

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So I went in for my yearly physical...

The nurse went through the regular motions. Then it came time for me to drop my pants and turn my head and cough. While she's examining me, she exclaims "You really should quit masturbating". I asked her why, and if something was wrong, and she responded "Yes, I'm trying to give you an exam!"

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

So I went in for a physical...

My doctor recommended that I eat more saturated fats, up my coffee intake to two pots a day, and suggested I take up smoking.

I'm beginning to suspect he knows about me and his wife.

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

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What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesn’t support women?

Massage a knee.

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.

Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the force of attraction.

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A guy goes to the doctor for a physical. [Long]

The doctor tells him they have a new machine that can diagnose all ailments with 100% accuracy with a urine sample and would like to have him be the first to use it. The guy, curious, agrees.

The guy gives a urine sample and the doctor pours it into the machine. After some beeping and boopin...

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A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

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If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

Did you hear about the car which caused physical harm to another car?

It got charged with battery.

Prisons nationwide have integrated the Hokey-Pokey into their physical education program.

They think it will help the inmates turn their lives around.

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I think my Physical Therapist is into me.

She said I had acute tendinitis.

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A man was getting his physical...

when he then brings up a problem:

Man:Doc, you got to help me. When I wake up, I have a quickie with my wife, then carpool to work with my neighbor's wife who gives me road head, then at work, I pork my secretary for a few hours, then go to lunch at the strip club, where I have a three-way in...

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I went to get my physical today and, of course, the doctor was a beautiful woman...

She said, "Well, you will have to stop masturbating."

I said, "Wait, but why?"

"So I can start the examination," she said.

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A really fat guy went to the doctor for a physical.

As soon as the doctor saw him, he said, "Holy crap, you're huge! When was the last time you saw your dick?"

"I don't remember", replied the fat man.

"Well, why don't you diet?", suggested the doctor

Horrified,the fat man asked "Why, what color is it now?"

A mermaid finally got off the couch and hit the gym once she found a dolphin physical trainer.

She moved with a porpoise.

A fish goes to a physical exam.

The doctor says "You have to weigh yourself."
The fish answers he doesn't have to.
The doctor asks "No. Why not?"
And the fish says "I've got scales of my own.'

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What is the difference between a physical therapist and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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