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Lifelike Jokes

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

I saw a really lifelike portrait of Donald Trump the other day...

... it was really freaky how the hands followed you around the room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

A trans woman took her artwork to an art constat.

It was a series of lifelike paintings and sculptures of catholic nuns, done using only the best of materials. There were a lot of good entries to be sure, but every one she entered, she won easily.

When the judges were asked why they all couldn't help but give her gold, they answered,
...

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

Sherlock and Dr. Watson goes camping.

They put up a tent, make dinner and goes to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up Watson and asks:

Watson, do you see all the stars above? What do you deduce from that?

**Dr. Watson:** Hmm... if there are countless stars and planets on one of them should be lifeli...

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could s...

Bob lost his toe in an accident...

His insurance wouldn't cover a prosthetic and Bob was unhappy. His balance was off and he was too self conscious to go to the beach. Bob heard about a place in Mexico that for a very reasonable price could equip him with a lifelike prosthetic made out of rubber. He went down and talked to the Mexica...

Two priests are showering

Two priests are showering when one says to the other “Damn I’m out of soap”

The other priest says “I’ll go to my office and get some”.

So the priest picks up two bars of soap from his office, but on his way back he hears the voices of two nuns down the hall.

The priest, stark ...

The Chinese Curio Shop

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it He took it to the old shop owner and as...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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