UPJOKE
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How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

I’d like cancel my subscription to 2022

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and am not interested

I think it's terrible when people get cold feet close to the date of a wedding and cancel

The right way to do it is to divorce many years later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

April's fool's Is canceled This Year

No one has managed to come up with a prank that can match the unbelievable shit going on in the world right now...

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

I heard New years is cancelled in Russia this year.

They got no rockets left.

Why did the pirate get cancelled?

He used the hard "arr!"

Some people are trying to cancel Dave Chappelle

In other words they are trying to stop his trans mission.

One cannot cancel paradox..

What do they say about men who try to hard?

The same thing they say about women who don’t try hard enough.

My doctor cancelled my visit today.

I was Disappointed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sorry everyone, the weekly reading of the Communist Manifesto has been canceled.

My parents are remodeling their basement.

What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?

We APOLLO-gize

Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.

If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.

How do you make an introvert happy?

Cancel.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

All flights to John Lennon Airport have been cancelled

Imagine all the people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

Why did they cancel Kleptomaniacs Anonymous?

Because the sponsor at the most recent meeting asked if anybody wanted to take a seat.

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho

So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho

They have had to cancel this years Census in Afghanistan

This is directly due to the tally-ban

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

They’re teaching apple juicing down the road from me, but it got cancelled before I could go.

It was a pressing issue.

How to get canceled on twitter?

Be right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

This is the first year that I have to cancel our family trip on winter vacation to Europe because of Covid....

Otherwise every year we had to cancel because of money.

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

This year, we had to cancel our annual trip to Hawaii because of Covid-19.

Usually we do it because we can’t afford to go.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

A father decided to cancel his surgery.

"Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.

"Its growing on me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

Why did Mike Tyson have to cancel his big fight with Chris Hemsworth?

He was Thor.

What do an Archaeologist and Cancel Culture have in common?

They both love to dig up the past

Why was the laundromat cancelled on Twitter?

For reminding people to separate whites from colors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

A woman calls customer service..

"Hi, I bought a maternity dress through your site and I want to cancel the order." she says.

The service rep says, "Sure, I can do that for you.. but I'd also like to get your feedback; may I ask why?"

"Yeah," says the customer. "My delivery was faster than yours was."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19

Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.

Why did NASA cancel the all-female spacewalk?

None of them would go outside the rocket wearing the same outfit.

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.

I was planning a school shooting, but had to cancel it because of the virus.

Apparently filming school documentaries isn't "essential".

Did you hear they’re cancelling Halloween this year?

Because nobody would wear a mask.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

2019: Cancel culture has gone too far

2020: Hold my Corona

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

Homeschooling cancelled in Alabama

Too many students sleeping with their teachers.

When I canceled my gym membership,

I had to hand in my too weak notice

Today I cancelled my subscription to the decade

We've all been through 2020.

It has become clear to me that 2021 is pronounced "2020 won," and that 2022 is pronounced "2020 too."

Tacos are imaginary -- a mathematical proof

tan = sin / cos (definition of tangent)

ta = i / co (cancel n and s)

taco = i (multiply both sides by co)

Which group does the LGBTQ+ fear the most?

The LGBTQ- because they will cancel each other.

Christmas is canceled

I told Santa you were good this year and he died laughing.

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that they cancelled bungee jumping for blind people?

It scared the shit out of the guide dogs.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think it's weird that county fairs are being cancelled.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a *good* idea, but... I just figured that anyone who isn't afraid to hop onto a 60-year-old rusty roller coaster, that gets disassembled and reassembled 22 times a year by a traveling meth head with an allen wrench, while eating a deep fried stick of butter, wouldn't...

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

Wanna bully someone? Bully the wheelchair kids cuz they can’t stand up for themself!

This is a joke, don’t cancel me

I've invented an exciting new product. Say goodbye to noise-cancelling headphones...

...and say hello to noise-cancelling megaphones!

Why was Minecraft the movie cancelled?

Because all of the actors wore blockface.

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled

April Fool's

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

I was worried my tightwalking class would be cancelled because of the lockdown

But it's all online now

Why was the leper baseball match cancelled?

People started throwing hands

NASCAR is officially canceled

After discovering it's just a human traffic ring

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

Did you know that a blue whale is so huge that if you put it end to end....

.... on a football pitch, the match would be cancelled ?

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod.

Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC's Sherlock got cancelled

Shit, no Sherlock.

April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

My wife just went into labor and our doula cancelled on us.

I’m having a midwife crisis.

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

Quaker surprised me about how decisive they were when canceling aunt Jemima.

I expected them to waffle.

My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit.

I got disappointed.

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta

This year there’ll be no disco in ferno

Why did the warden cancel the prison writing contest?

There were too many cons and not enough prose

post malone has cancelled his tour :(

does that make him postpone malone?

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?

Cantaloupe.

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

My father promised me he would take me to Niagara Falls and then canceled

It was a Falls promise! :(

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

The government recommends all gatherings of 10 or more people to be canceled in these trying times

I'd just like to remind everybody my comedy show is STILL On tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prophecy class is cancelled...

Due to unforeseen circumstances

Queen's birthday celebrations are cancelled for the first time.

In 100 years she will remember it and laugh

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

Cinco de Mayo is cancelled this year, so..

hold de Mayo

Monday night football

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks. "Because my wife cancelled our cable."

I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

Why did they cancel basketball in the Special Olympics?

All the players kept getting disqualified for excessive dribbling.

Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....

Breaking News: James Bond cancels Beijing tour

Because this is No Time to Die.

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