How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and I’m not interested

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

They have had to cancel this years Census in Afghanistan

This is directly due to the tally-ban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

This is the first year that I have to cancel our family trip on winter vacation to Europe because of Covid....

Otherwise every year we had to cancel because of money.

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

Why did Mike Tyson have to cancel his big fight with Chris Hemsworth?

He was Thor.

Why was the laundromat cancelled on Twitter?

For reminding people to separate whites from colors

All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

Joe Biden canceled the Keystone XL pipeline...

It was all a pipe dream.

Today I cancelled my subscription to the decade

We've all been through 2020.

It has become clear to me that 2021 is pronounced "2020 won," and that 2022 is pronounced "2020 too."

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

It was a real pain canceling my gym membership.

They made me hand in a too weak notice.

Christmas is canceled

I told Santa you were good this year and he died laughing.

Why did they cancel Kleptomaniacs Anonymous?

Because the sponsor at the most recent meeting asked if anybody wanted to take a seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that they cancelled bungee jumping for blind people?

It scared the shit out of the guide dogs.

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

This year, we had to cancel our annual trip to Hawaii because of Covid-19.

Usually we do it because we can’t afford to go.

Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

Did you hear they’re cancelling Halloween this year?

Because nobody would wear a mask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

What do an Archaeologist and Cancel Culture have in common?

They both love to dig up the past

Homeschooling cancelled in Alabama

Too many students sleeping with their teachers.

What do you get when you cross the Twitter community with a controversial celebrity?

Nothing. They cancel each other out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

Thanks to COVID, all military leave has been cancelled this Christmas

Sources indicate that this is tough for the officers and a real blow to the Privates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm holding a meetup for overthinkers. Saturday at 5pm.

Wait. Saturday might not be the best day. Tuesday is better. Actually, what if no one shows up? Fuck it, meeting is cancelled.

I've invented an exciting new product. Say goodbye to noise-cancelling headphones...

...and say hello to noise-cancelling megaphones!

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

A father decided to cancel his surgery.

"Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.

"Its growing on me."

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19

Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

I was planning a school shooting, but had to cancel it because of the virus.

Apparently filming school documentaries isn't "essential".

My university just cancelled classes after collectiing tuition, room, and board

The bookstore said my textbook edition was already out of date

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think it's weird that county fairs are being cancelled.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a *good* idea, but... I just figured that anyone who isn't afraid to hop onto a 60-year-old rusty roller coaster, that gets disassembled and reassembled 22 times a year by a traveling meth head with an allen wrench, while eating a deep fried stick of butter, wouldn't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

Why was the leper baseball match cancelled?

People started throwing hands

Why was Minecraft the movie cancelled?

Because all of the actors wore blockface.

Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

I was worried my tightwalking class would be cancelled because of the lockdown

But it's all online now

The coming Pixar movie Trains has been cancelled.

It will be replaced with Buses.

NASCAR is officially canceled

After discovering it's just a human traffic ring

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

2019: Cancel culture has gone too far

2020: Hold my Corona

Why did NASA cancel the all-female spacewalk?

None of them would go outside the rocket wearing the same outfit.

Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled

April Fool's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cat goes to the other animals at the barn with news from the house. (Long)

"My fellow animals, I heard that there's going to be a huge party this Saturday and they're going to slaughter you Cow."

The animals all gasp and start consoling Cow that everything is going to be alright.

Chicken, the bully, on the other hand is laughing hysterically. "Finally, we'll ...

Quaker surprised me about how decisive they were when canceling aunt Jemima.

I expected them to waffle.

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

My wife just went into labor and our doula cancelled on us.

I’m having a midwife crisis.

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

post malone has cancelled his tour :(

does that make him postpone malone?

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta

This year there’ll be no disco in ferno

I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19!

It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?

Cantaloupe.

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

Sorry guys, Christmas is canceled.

Mary admitted everything.

The government recommends all gatherings of 10 or more people to be canceled in these trying times

I'd just like to remind everybody my comedy show is STILL On tonight.

A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC's Sherlock got cancelled

Shit, no Sherlock.

The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.

a traveling salesman ...

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.

Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
...

My father promised me he would take me to Niagara Falls and then canceled

It was a Falls promise! :(

BREAKING NEWS: Elon Musk Announces All SpaceX Flights To Mars Cancelled

Martian officials say borders closed until CoronaVirus is under control.

Queen's birthday celebrations are cancelled for the first time.

In 100 years she will remember it and laugh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prophecy class is cancelled...

Due to unforeseen circumstances

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck.

So, I canceled my order of dumplings.

On and On

Mr. Johnson told Mary his secretary that he was going on a business trip to Chicago the following day and he wanted her to come with him. They'd be staying there for 2 days.

As soon as she got home, she told her husband Bob about this.
"Honey, my boss asked me to go on a business trip to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit.

I got disappointed.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Christmas is cancelled.

Santa has passed away by natural clauses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would Hitler have had a Twitter account if it was around back then?

He cancelled cultures.

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Almost got on a television show once....

So pissed they cancelled COPS

Why did the warden cancel the prison writing contest?

There were too many cons and not enough prose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod.

Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Psychic and Clairvoyants fair cancelled today...

Due to unforseen circumstances

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed.

The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandad.” The father says, “Goodbye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to questio...

Did you hear the Reddit Movie got cancelled?

It involved too much post production

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

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