What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches ?

A nervous wreck

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

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Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...

When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"

The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"

"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock o...

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

Last night, I was swimming in a strange orange, bubbling ocean of sweet water.

Then I woke up and it turned out to have been just a Fanta-sea.

The oceans are really polluted nowdays.

Last time I bought sardines, they were dead and covered in oil.

How do you cut an ocean in half?

With a seasaw!

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back

The Titanic has been resting on the ocean floor for over a hundred years.

Let that sink in for a minute.

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his GoPro into the ocean?

There Goes My Hero!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

I was out on the ocean the other day and these guys boarded my vessel and stole all of the currency I’d saved on a computer game I was playing.

They were Simoleon pirates.

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

What's the score between the ocean and the beach?

Tide

To all the people talking about cleaning oceans

can you please be more pacific?

Ocean walks in to a bar

Bartender says "why so blue?"

What do you call it when a fish makes it to the ocean?

Afishinsea

A Preacher fell in the ocean...

and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."

Eve...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

Who is the god of the Indian Ocean?

Fishnu.

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

What's the best place to get Italian food in the ocean?

The Marinara trench

What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible,

That will be the last straw

A man is drowning in the ocean

A man is drowning in the ocean. Another man on a boat sails towards him and says:

Boat man: Are you drowning? Do you need help?

Drowning man: Don't worry God will save me.

The man in the boat sails away.

A second boat man sail up and asks the same question:

Boat m...

Why are ocean levels so high?

sea weed.

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

What did the ocean say to the other ocean when they saw each other?

Nothing. They didnt even wave. Oceans cant communicate smartass

Why is it a good thing to study oceanic trade routes?

Because you’ll have a maritime (merry time)!

What shakes on the ocean floor?

A nervous wreck!

Ha ha, I’m shore that you sea what I did there.

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What’s it like having an orgasm in the ocean?

Cums in waves.

Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “what music do you listen to? I like pop myself”.

The other turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”.

How much deeper would the ocean be if

sponges didn’t live there?

I met this girl with a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh

Cool thing about it is, if you put your ear up to it, you can really smell the ocean

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.

There are only 3 parachutes available.

The pilot says to the world's richest man: You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.

The pil...

The Friendly Ocean

Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

what did god say when adam told him eve was taking a bath in the ocean

“i’ll never be able to get the smell out of the fish”

What do you call a bunch of masochists on an ocean voyage?

A bruise cruise

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

 

 

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

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The whale babies

A blue whale father is swimming with his son through the ocean

„ Daddy ? „, asks the boy

„ Yes ? „

„ How are baby whales made? „

„ Uhm „, answers the fathers with a pause, „ I can tell you „

„ Great! Thanks Daddy !„

„ You are whalecum „

A plane is going down over the Atlantic ocean...

As the passengers plummet to their doom, a woman stands up, rips off her shirt, and says, "WHICH ONE OF YOU SO CALLED MEN WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?!" A man stands up, rips off his shirt, and says, "HERE, IRON THIS."

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A small sperm whale and his dad are swimming through the ocean

He asks his dad where he came from and the dad responds, "my penis, of course!" The son, disgusted, "that's gross! Thanks a lot dad." And the dad says, "you're whale cum!"

My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her.

I told her it waved.

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

Why does the ocean roar?

You'd make a lot of noise if you had crabs on your bottom too.

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

How do we know the ocean is a woman?

Because she wears sea cups.

Can you call the ocean something else?

Shore

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About half-way

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

What happens when the ocean gets pregnant?

It gets a sea section.

Your mom

Your mom is so fat, that when she is at the beach and goes in the ocean, she enters international waters.

Two whales in an ocean

One says: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The other says: Steve what the hell was that

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Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?

A good start.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

I don’t understand why we have to clean the oceans...

...won’t it just wash off?

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long...

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water

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The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

Two oceans are talking to each other...

Two oceans are talking to each other. The first one says “Hey you know that thing where the thing happens with the starfish, then the dolphins do the thing?”

The second ocean looks confused and replies “you’re gonna have to be more pacific.”

Why is the ocean so unknown?

Because it has many sea crits.

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California.

Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys.

Two prawns are in the ocean discussing their hatred and fear of sharks

One prawn is called George and the other is called Christian. One day while discussing their fear of sharks, a nearby cod overhears them and swims over to talk to them. The cod promises to grant George one wish. George decides he wants to be a shark, so wishes to become a shark. The cod grants Georg...

How do fish get high in the ocean?

Seaweed

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

What type of Ape lives in the ocean?

A Shrimpanzee.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

A North Korean man is walking home

A North Korean man is walking along the road when he spots a fish caught in the reeds. Excitedly, he scooped it up and ran home.

"Look what I found!" he says, revealing his treasure to his wife, "Quick heat the oil"

"But husband, the police confiscated the oil! They said subversives co...

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

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A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back wit...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

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A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..

Man : Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?

Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly....

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