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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

Why does the ocean roar?

You'd make a lot of noise if you had crabs on your bottom too.

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

How do we know the ocean is a woman?

Because she wears sea cups.

Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?

It's tide.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, they just waved.


Do you sea what I did there?


I'm shore you did...

Had a dream the ocean was orange soda.

Turns out it was a Fanta sea.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About half-way

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her.

I told her it waved.

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

 

 

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What happens when the ocean gets pregnant?

It gets a sea section.

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

Two oceans are talking to each other...

Two oceans are talking to each other. The first one says “Hey you know that thing where the thing happens with the starfish, then the dolphins do the thing?”

The second ocean looks confused and replies “you’re gonna have to be more pacific.”

Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California.

Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?

A good start.

Two whales in an ocean

One says: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The other says: Steve what the hell was that

Why is the ocean so unknown?

Because it has many sea crits.

What type of Ape lives in the ocean?

A Shrimpanzee.

Two prawns are in the ocean discussing their hatred and fear of sharks

One prawn is called George and the other is called Christian. One day while discussing their fear of sharks, a nearby cod overhears them and swims over to talk to them. The cod promises to grant George one wish. George decides he wants to be a shark, so wishes to become a shark. The cod grants Georg...

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

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Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

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The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

Why is the ocean always salty?

Because nobody waves back

I don’t understand why we have to clean the oceans...

...won’t it just wash off?

Tinder is like the ocean

Some times you catch fish some times you catch crabs

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

How do fish get high in the ocean?

Seaweed

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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

What does the ocean use to clean its clothes?

Tide

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water

How do you cut the ocean if half

With a seesaw

A group of old friends discussed where they should meet for lunch for their reunion.

They were all aged about 40.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at ...

My friends are saying that I’m addicted to the song Ocean Man.

They’re trying to Ween me off of it.

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

Why did the physicist throw the stop sign into the ocean?

He was studying sign waves.

I went to an ocean themed party

It was a whale of a time.

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

Imagin you are walking along the boardwalk in New Jersey when you see an anti-vaxxer and a flat-earther drowning in the ocean...

do you grab dinner before you go to the movies or see the movie first?

So I was at Mexico and I asked a man if what we were looking at was the ocean.

He said: "Si"

How big is the specific ocean?

Sorry, could you be a little more pacific.

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A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,

“Dad? Where do I come from?”

Father replies, “My penis, son.”

“Oh. OK. Thanks.”

“You’re Whalecum, son.”

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

My girlfriend's new thigh tattoo

My girlfriend got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. It is a seashell.

When I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean!

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

What do you call 2 sodium atoms in the ocean?

tuNa

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A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back wit...

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

What do you get when you cross the ocean with sand?

Honestly, I'm not that *shore* myself.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano?

Anakin Skywalker

I don't trust the ocean

It looks fishy

What do you call slow internet in the ocean?

Laten-sea

Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

I looked into the ocean and saw two fish happily swimming, I thought

Water good time they are having

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

Three in floating in the Ocean.

Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. One guy picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can’t be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads...

You ever heard of the ocean located at 5.694647° S, 136.987557° W?

I like to call it the specific ocean.

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I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

What do you get when you throw a billion lawyers in the ocean?

A Sue-Nami!

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Man goes fishing in the ocean on a sunny day...

Roughly 30 minutes pass when suddenly he sees an obscure man coming out of the ocean, looking completely exhausted. He immediately rushes to the water to carry the man out of the ocean and lays him down on the sand.



Man: "Who are you? How did you come out of the ocean like that?"
<...

My 5yo told me this one tonight: “What did the person say when they went too far out into the ocean.”

Help me, I’m dying.

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

What do you call an ocean full of dogs and(or) cats?

The Pawcific

How do you save a baby from drowing in the ocean?

Harpoon it.

If you're going to cut the ocean in half, how would you do it?

Get a sea saw.

Did you know that the ocean isn't always salty?

Sometimes it's peppery.

Depends on the season.

What do you call a fish that lives in the greatest depths of the ocean?

Mega-low-don.

What did one ocean say to the other

Nothing they just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Are you shore that you get it?
Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.
I think you need to clam down.
Woah, stop being such a beach.
Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.

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What do you call a Hardcore porno filmed on a boat in the ocean?

Offshore Drilling

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Do you know why oceans are so salty?

Because the land never waves back

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