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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

Two whales in an ocean

One says: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The other says: Steve what the hell was that

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

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Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

I don’t understand why we have to clean the oceans...

...won’t it just wash off?

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

Why is the ocean always salty?

Because nobody waves back

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?

A good start.

How does the ocean greet the beach?

It waves

Why is the ocean so unknown?

Because it has many sea crits.

What lies at the bottom of an ocean, shaking?

A Nervous Wreck

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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

What does the ocean use to clean its clothes?

Tide

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

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The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

My friends are saying that I’m addicted to the song Ocean Man.

They’re trying to Ween me off of it.

How do fish get high in the ocean?

Seaweed

Tinder is like the ocean

Some times you catch fish some times you catch crabs

What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

Why did the physicist throw the stop sign into the ocean?

He was studying sign waves.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

About half way.

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

So I was at Mexico and I asked a man if what we were looking at was the ocean.

He said: "Si"

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water

What do you call an ocean full of tacos?

Flotilla

I went to an ocean themed party

It was a whale of a time.

The ocean and beach meets

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

Imagin you are walking along the boardwalk in New Jersey when you see an anti-vaxxer and a flat-earther drowning in the ocean...

do you grab dinner before you go to the movies or see the movie first?

How big is the specific ocean?

Sorry, could you be a little more pacific.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

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in the ocean, if a seahorse is a horse and a catfish is a cat....

then that must mean a blowfish is a whore

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

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A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,

“Dad? Where do I come from?”

Father replies, “My penis, son.”

“Oh. OK. Thanks.”

“You’re Whalecum, son.”

What do you call a PC that falls in the ocean?

A Dell rolling in the deep

Scientists have discovered that there is not enough Iron dissolved in the ocean...

I guess the earth has an iron-deficient-sea!

A group of old friends discussed where they should meet for lunch for their reunion.

They were all aged about 40.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at ...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

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A religious man falls overboard in the middle of the ocean and no one notices and the boat drives away...

...So he’s floating in the middle of the ocean and a cruise ship finds him.

“Need help?” One of the passengers says

“No thank you, god will save me.” The man says

The ship drives off and an hour later another one comes. The same scenario happens again the man keeps saying that g...

What do you call 2 sodium atoms in the ocean?

tuNa

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

What do you get when you cross the ocean with sand?

Honestly, I'm not that *shore* myself.

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A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back wit...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano?

Anakin Skywalker

Where does the ocean store its stuff?

On the Continental shelf.

Three in floating in the Ocean.

Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. One guy picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can’t be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads...

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

My girlfriend's new thigh tattoo

My girlfriend got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. It is a seashell.

When I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean!

I don't trust the ocean

It looks fishy

My 5yo told me this one tonight: “What did the person say when they went too far out into the ocean.”

Help me, I’m dying.

What do you call slow internet in the ocean?

Laten-sea

What do you get when you throw a billion lawyers in the ocean?

A Sue-Nami!

What do you call a fish that lives in the greatest depths of the ocean?

Mega-low-don.

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

You ever heard of the ocean located at 5.694647° S, 136.987557° W?

I like to call it the specific ocean.

What do you call an ocean full of dogs and(or) cats?

The Pawcific

I looked into the ocean and saw two fish happily swimming, I thought

Water good time they are having

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What do you call a Hardcore porno filmed on a boat in the ocean?

Offshore Drilling

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Man goes fishing in the ocean on a sunny day...

Roughly 30 minutes pass when suddenly he sees an obscure man coming out of the ocean, looking completely exhausted. He immediately rushes to the water to carry the man out of the ocean and lays him down on the sand.



Man: "Who are you? How did you come out of the ocean like that?"
<...

Where can you find an ocean without any water?

On a map!

Did you know that the ocean isn't always salty?

Sometimes it's peppery.

Depends on the season.

If you're going to cut the ocean in half, how would you do it?

Get a sea saw.

How do you save a baby from drowing in the ocean?

Harpoon it.

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton are stuck in the middle of the ocean on small boat together with no food, who survives?

America.

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I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

What did one ocean say to the other

Nothing they just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Are you shore that you get it?
Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.
I think you need to clam down.
Woah, stop being such a beach.
Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.

Two amoebae are floating along in a prehistoric ocean.

Amoeba 1: Weird...I think I just took in a breath of air.

Amoeba 2: Nah. You're probably imagining things.

Amoeba 1: Yeah. False aspirations, I guess.

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Why did the American shoot the ocean?

Cause they found out fish swim in schools.

Do you know why oceans are so salty?

Because the land never waves back

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Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

A woman decided to end her life by jumping into the ocean.

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by jumping into the ocean from a bridge.

Just before she could throw herself in, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away o...

The Ocean' Sea Level should actually be a lot higher.

Thank God for them sponges.

A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

My friend didn't understand my ocean puns

I guess I should have been more pacific.



I'll sea myself out.

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Sex is like the ocean.

And I'm a fresh water fish.

Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

The Queen tried to have the ocean arrested...

"Sea's him!"

John: What did to oceans say to eachother?

Mike: I don't know.
John: Nothing they just waved.
Mike: Your jokes suck ass.
John: God you don't have to be such a beach about it.

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