Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

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What’s pink and sits on the bottom of the ocean

Moby’s dick


My mom told this to me when I was maybe 10

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

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What do you call a hundred neo-nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

I dreamt that I drowned in an ocean of Coke.

It turned out it was only a pep sea.

why is the ocean salty?

because the land never waves back

What do you get if you mix a very sad cloud and the ocean?

Tropical Depression.

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

How does a man become a woman crossing the ocean?

Through the proper trans-port.

What’s the difference between the ocean and the Kardashians?

There’s less plastic in the ocean.

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches ?

A nervous wreck

I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of fizzy drink

But it was just a fanta sea

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

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One day in the ocean....

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

I got some jokes about the oceans...

but they are to dirty.

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A pilot crashes his plane into the Pacific Ocean..

He wakes up to find that he has washed up on a sandy beach. After some exploration he finds that he is on a small island covered with fruit bearing trees and plants, enough for him to survive indefinitely. He also finds that he is not alone as there happens to be two dogs with him on the island....

What did ocean say to another ocean?

w-water you doing step-bro?

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My girlfriend and I went skinny dipping in the ocean...

The water was cold and when we got out, she pointed at my dick and started laughing. I had to explain to her what shrinkage was, and that it was not always the same size. After some discussion, she understood the concept and said, “so you’re about 2 inches, on average?”

I replied, “Well, that...

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

I would love to swim in an ocean of orange soda.

It would be my Fanta sea

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

The shore didn’t even respond- what a beach.

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

What kind of car do they drive in the ocean? (I made this one up a few years ago)

Mussel Cars

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Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...

When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"

The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"

"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock o...

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a...

How do you cut an ocean in half?

With a seasaw!

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

The oceans are really polluted nowdays.

Last time I bought sardines, they were dead and covered in oil.

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his GoPro into the ocean?

There Goes My Hero!

I had a dream last night that there was an ocean filled with soda

It was a fantasea

The Titanic has been resting on the ocean floor for over a hundred years.

Let that sink in for a minute.

A magician was working on a cruise ship out at sea.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shoutin...

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

Ocean walks in to a bar

Bartender says "why so blue?"

Who is the god of the Indian Ocean?

Fishnu.

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

What's the score between the ocean and the beach?

Tide

To all the people talking about cleaning oceans

can you please be more pacific?

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A flavor explosion

To spice up Fajitas with flavor on top.

I picked up a bottle of Frank's Extra Hot.

My payment for daring this flavourful ocean.

Is me on a throne with an anal explosion.

What do you call it when a fish makes it to the ocean?

Afishinsea

What's the best place to get Italian food in the ocean?

The Marinara trench

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

A Preacher fell in the ocean...

and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."

Eve...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

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Reading of last will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, yo...

One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible,

That will be the last straw

A man is drowning in the ocean

A man is drowning in the ocean. Another man on a boat sails towards him and says:

Boat man: Are you drowning? Do you need help?

Drowning man: Don't worry God will save me.

The man in the boat sails away.

A second boat man sail up and asks the same question:

Boat m...

Why are ocean levels so high?

sea weed.

My 4 yo sister came to me and told this joke?

Why didn’t the ocean dry up?

Because it didn’t have a towel.

Why is it a good thing to study oceanic trade routes?

Because you’ll have a maritime (merry time)!

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

What shakes on the ocean floor?

A nervous wreck!

Ha ha, I’m shore that you sea what I did there.

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

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This joke was told to me in Spanish so hopefully nothing is lost in translation.

Two guys were on a ship out in the ocean when it capsized during a storm. But they were lucky enough to find a piece of flotsam to hold on to.

One man spoke only Spanish and the other spoke only English. After days of holding on to the flotsam, the Spanish guy couldn’t hold on and started to ...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

 

 

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “what music do you listen to? I like pop myself”.

The other turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”.

Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

How much deeper would the ocean be if

sponges didn’t live there?

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What’s it like having an orgasm in the ocean?

Cums in waves.

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A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

A 15 year old boy saves the world.

A 15 year old boy makes a fresh new campaign to save the world from global warming. The movement is a huge success, with almost 100% of rubbish removed from the oceans, and succeeding in righting lumberjacks' and factory owners' ways, cutting down greenhouse gas emmision and forest cutting by around...

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

I met a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

If you held your ear to it, you could smell the ocean.

A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.

There are only 3 parachutes available.

The pilot says to the world's richest man: You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.

The pil...

Why did the fisherman cross the ocean?

For the halibut.

what did god say when adam told him eve was taking a bath in the ocean

“i’ll never be able to get the smell out of the fish”

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

What do you call a bunch of masochists on an ocean voyage?

A bruise cruise

A plane is going down over the Atlantic ocean...

As the passengers plummet to their doom, a woman stands up, rips off her shirt, and says, "WHICH ONE OF YOU SO CALLED MEN WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?!" A man stands up, rips off his shirt, and says, "HERE, IRON THIS."

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg.

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him.

The narwhal comes and the penguin says, "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break ...

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her.

I told her it waved.

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2 whales

2 whales Tom and Betty are swimming around the ocean enjoying there day having fun. Tom sees a whaling ship in the distance and says to Betty “ hey look it’s one of those whaling ships, I have an idea.” Betty says “oh yea and what is that.” Tom says “let’s go swim under that ship and we will blow as...

How do we know the ocean is a woman?

Because she wears sea cups.

Can you call the ocean something else?

Shore

My wife and I were on a cruise.

"This watch I bought," she said, "can go 200 metres underwater."



I took it off her wrist and chucked it into the ocean.



"Nonsense," I replied, pointing, "you can see it's still floating."

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One of my favorites

So three men crash land on an island in the middle of the ocean. They are soon captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader tells each man to go find ten of a fruit and come back to the village. Each man, not wanting to be eaten, goes and gets the fruit.

The first man comes back with kiwis. T...

Two whales in an ocean

One says: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The other says: Steve what the hell was that

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About half-way

What happens when the ocean gets pregnant?

It gets a sea section.

I don’t understand why we have to clean the oceans...

...won’t it just wash off?

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Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

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A man is running down the beach (long)

He's alone except he sees someone up ahead on a blanket

He sees it's a woman and she's crying. She has no arms or legs.

He stops and ask, "Why are you crying?"

She says, "I've never been hugged by a man before."

He looks up an down the beach, seeing nobody he reaches down...

There was a competition between an American cat and a French cat...

There once was a peculiar cat named "one-two-three" cat. One-two-three cat was from the streets of New York. In Calais (french city), there was another cat named "un-deux-trois" cat. One day, the people of US decided to have a competition of "best cat" the the French. They decided that the best cat ...

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