I used to believe there was an ocean of soda.

Then I came to terms that it was just a fanta sea.

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean?

pollution

A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'

That would be straight down, Miss........

ocean of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

Why do Seagulls hang out by the ocean?

Because if they hung out by the bay, they'd be bagels.

Why are pelicans able to dive into the ocean they way they do?

Because they're called peliCANs, not peliCAN'Ts.

my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean

she said there was already too much trash in it.

We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean

It was a real mist opportunity

What does one ocean says to the other?

Nothing, they wave.

Why does the ocean look blue?

Because the fishes go blu-blu-blu

This is way funnier when said out loud but it works!

What swims in the ocean and does math?

A octoplus

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

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A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

After World War I, the US was granted several island territories in the Pacific Ocean, Hawaii being one of them

They ending up liking it so much that they wanted Samoa

The people who discovered oceans: We will never be thirsty again!

God: Na

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

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One of the most beautiful things in the world is a women's heart. It is fragile yet strong. Delicate yet resilient. It's a cradle of love, emotions and compassion. It like an ocean of secrets.

And of course its covered with boobs.

What do you get when you cross the ocean with the Titanic?

Half way.

Kylie Jenner tries to go into the ocean for a swim but gets stopped by the life guard

The life guard says “U can’t go in there,
There’s already enough plastic in the sea”

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

I dreamed last night that I was swimming in an ocean of soft drink

Then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea.

What would you drive for a family road trip across the ocean?

A Honda Sea-RV

My 3.5 year olds favourite joke: how do the oceans say hello to each other?

They wave.

Why is the ocean wet?

Because it doesn’t have a towel.

(Courtesy of my son)

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches

A nervous wreck

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don't know lettuce sea.

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

A man was in the middle of the ocean and about to drown.

A boat came and the man on the boat said, "Come on board if you want to live."

The man declined and said, "Don't worry, God will save me."

The boat left.

Another boat arrived and the man on the boat said, "You are about to die, get on the boat."

The man declined and said,...

Why can't the Kardashians swim at the beach?

Because plastic is bad for the ocean.

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

We have clouds, and we have ocean.

What more could you want, from Sky Atlantic?

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What do you call the ocean’s version of a porn site?

OnlyFins!

What did one ocean say to the other ?

"See"you later

Why did the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom

How do you teach an Italian to swim?

Ask them to explain something to you then jump into the ocean with them.

The monk joke (Long)

A millionaire decides that it's a lovely day to take his new plane out for the day, a couple hours into his flight he begins to have trouble so decides he will land on a small island off in the distance

When he lands he is greeted by several monks who welcome him with open arms and take him o...

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

What kind of bus can cross the ocean?

A ColumBUS

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Why does Russia claim sovereignty over the Arctic Ocean?

Because it’s Pole-ish

A woman is giving birth on a boat

The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.

It’s a buoy.

What Do You Call a Ocean Raider Tired of His Pet Bird's Muscle Spasms?

What do you call a ocean raider tired of his pet bird's muscle spasms?

A pirate tired of polly tics.

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What’s pink and sits on the bottom of the ocean

Moby’s dick


My mom told this to me when I was maybe 10

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

What’s the difference between the ocean and the Kardashians?

There’s less plastic in the ocean.

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What do you call a hundred neo-nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...

The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."

The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"

The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is s...

I dreamt that I drowned in an ocean of Coke.

It turned out it was only a pep sea.

Yo mumma’s so fat

The ocean beaches on her.

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?


Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.


Friend: Neat.


Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!


Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?


Man: Well, t...

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My girlfriend and I went skinny dipping in the ocean...

The water was cold and when we got out, she pointed at my dick and started laughing. I had to explain to her what shrinkage was, and that it was not always the same size. After some discussion, she understood the concept and said, “so you’re about 2 inches, on average?”

I replied, “Well, that...

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

2 cats are having a race

2 cats are having a race across the Atlantic Ocean. One of them is a English cat named one,two,three and the other is a French cat named un,deux,trois. Which cat wins the race?

The English cat because un,deux,trois cat sank

I got some jokes about the oceans...

but they are to dirty.

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

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One day in the ocean....

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

What do you get if you mix a very sad cloud and the ocean?

Tropical Depression.

This is Captain Leonardo Ricardo speaking,

On behalf of my crew and I, I’d like to welcome you on board flight 633 from New York to Abu Dhabi. We are on the air above 38,000 feet across Atlantic Ocean.

If you you look outside the window, you will see that the wing has fallen off and the engine is on fire. If you look down the window,...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

How does a man become a woman crossing the ocean?

Through the proper trans-port.

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?

If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

What did ocean say to another ocean?

w-water you doing step-bro?

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

The shore didn’t even respond- what a beach.

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A magician working on a ship was losing people's interest with the captains parrot telling everyone how he was performing his tricks.

After a few weeks into the course, the ship breaks down and sinks in the ocean. The magician makes it out alive and holds onto a scrap of wood not to drown. Unfortunately the parrot was also using the same scrap to survive.
A few days go past and the parrot finally looks to the magician and says...

What kind of car do they drive in the ocean? (I made this one up a few years ago)

Mussel Cars

What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

A Newfoundlander in 1992

The Year is 1992, an Ontarian and a Newfy are waiting in line for social welfare benefits. The Newfie asks the Ontarian

“So why are you here?”

The Ontarian says “I was laid off from my manufacturing job because it’s the early nineties, why are you here?”

“I’m here because of the...

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What do you call a person with no arms and no legs...

At your front door? Matt.

Under a pile of leaves? Russell.

In your mailbox? Bill.

Hanging on a wall? Art.

In the middle of the ocean? Fucked. (Also Bob).

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

The oceans are really polluted nowdays.

Last time I bought sardines, they were dead and covered in oil.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his GoPro into the ocean?

There Goes My Hero!

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

 

 

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Jesus and Moses are at the beach

Jesus and Moses are at the beach, enjoying their time down on earth they wanna see if they’ve still got it. So Moses walks up to the ocean, raises his hand and tries with all his might to part the sea. After a lot of effort Moses eventually manages to part the sea.

Then Jesus says “alright i...

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

Ocean walks in to a bar

Bartender says "why so blue?"

The Titanic has been resting on the ocean floor for over a hundred years.

Let that sink in for a minute.

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

What's the score between the ocean and the beach?

Tide

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

What's the best place to get Italian food in the ocean?

The Marinara trench

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

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