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Rude Jokes

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

What do you call a rude cactus?

A prick

I’m deeply sorry

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What do you call a rude elf?

A go fuck yourself.

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Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would loose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

Spitting is rude.

Swallowing is polite ;)

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That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. I...

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude...

He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

So damn rude.

Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxe...

Is it rude to say good morning?

At a funeral.

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What do you call rude English Majors?

Moby Dicks

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Why are constipated people so rude?

They don't give a crap

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

Rudeness vs Kindness

Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked and yelled at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she le...

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My dog gave birth to a very rude little puppy.

He's been a son of a bitch since the day he was born.

Why are Ferrari drivers so rude?

They've won the most Grand Pricks competitions

Did you hear the NPR segment about how it’s rude to ask how heavy people are?

“Weight? Weight!? Don’t tell me!”

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

Trees are really rude

They're always throwing shade!

I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude...

We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.



Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.



\*sorry\*

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

Why was the volcano rude?

It kept interrupting.

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

My sisters so rude...

Yesterday I was just minding my own business and she asks me
"Hey can you tell me what a lake in a desert is?"

Startled, I ignored her question and quickly said
"Oh hey sis!"

And then she just said thanks and left. I can't believe some girls.

Rude on many levels

I was a receptionist at a hotel, and the phone started ringing. I could see by the screen that it was the extension for the elevator's phone. I picked it up, and a voice I recognize as a particularly rude and troublesome guest, immediately starts yelling: "What the (beep) do I press to get out of th...

The bloke who scanned my items at the supermarket was rude, unhelpful and smelled like he'd been drinking.

That's the last time I use the self checkout..

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

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Rude people are like dicks

They pop up for no reason, and they all need a good pounding.

My doctor is very rude.

I went in with some legitimate concerns about my prostate and he just gave me the finger!

Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

"Was it all fun and games up until that point?"

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

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People nowadays are so rude

Last time I got on a plane everybody went batshit crazy for no reason, screaming and running around the place.

I mean, I was just saying "Hi" to my friend Jack.

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A Lesson For All Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from serv...

Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?

Because they have no class

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey ...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

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What do you call a Dalmatian that’s British and rude?

A spotted dick.

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

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Caribbean hens are so rude

Damn jerk chickens

A cannibal rudely came late to dinner

So they gave him the cold shoulder.

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

my gf shouts 'daddy' while we are in bed. Which I think is a bit rude. 'Daddy'?

There's three of us here, not just you and your dad.

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What do you call a rude black hole?

A masshole.

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

People are always so rude to me when they greet me.

They're always like "who are you" and "how did you get in my house?"

It's so annoying.

What do you call rude bus drivers?

Bustards

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The te...

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

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The rude professor.

A biology professor in Italy was giving an anatomy class. "The largest penis was discovered in an archeological finding in rome". Two or three offended female students get up to leave. The professor says "hey girls" The female students turn around in a egotistical manner expecting an apology. The p...

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

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Rude awakening

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this problem doctor. Every time we're in bed my husband climaxes, he let's out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.". "The problem," she complains, " is that it wakes...

Rude grandma

I was buying fruits at the supermarket whilst waiting for change I saw an elderly woman with a small child. The child was walking a bit faster than the woman and the woman shouted, "Degree! Wait for me!" I was so amazed hearing that name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and...

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

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Rude parrot on an airliner

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minut...

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Happiness is someone laughing at a rude word.

"Ha Penis"

After the lab accident, Tommy became really rude to people around him.

His friends said that he became a much more toxic person.

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

The dude working at the morgue is really rude.

I needed a helping hand but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

She told me I was being rude for kink-shaming her...

All I said was, "Karen, stop yelling at the customer service rep."

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

Why are single German women so rude?

Cuz they don't have any Männer

Johnny is at it again.

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the tea...

It’s so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

What do you call a rude old person who won't leave you alone?

A boomer-ang.

Why was the Trebuchet so rude?

It was an offensive siege weapon!

Why do I find broken clocks rude?

Because they won't give me the time of day.

People never talk about the 12th reindeer, probably because she's so rude to Rudolph

Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

I've heard it's rude to interrupt someone when they're talking, so...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years!

People are always telling me that “mean” and “rude” have the same definitions. So I ask them,

"what do you rude?"

Kermit the Frog has been really rude ever since Jim Henson’s death.

He doesn’t talk to anyone.

The neighbors were greedy, selfish, rude, and had come into money from their family's milk farm.

They were dairy heirs.

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

It's rude to call someone a fob

You just assumed they understand English

What job are rude epileptics well suited for?

Salt shakers.

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A wedding in Galway was rudely interrupted by the drunk uncle Patrick as he went up the stage and announced...

"The wedding is off. We're out of food. We're out of booze. And somebody fucked the bride."

The guests were in shock.

About 5 mins later, uncle Patrick got back on the stage and announced, "Sorry about that. The wedding is back on. Laura made us some sandwiches. Connor brought some wh...

A stunning young lady is at a bar when...

A stunning young lady is at a bar when she is approached by a middle-aged elegantly-dressed man:

The man: "What an astounding beauty! I don't want to be rude, but... Would you consider passing the night with me for... let's say... one million Dollars?"

The girl: "Ooh! Well... for one m...

Was on a plane having a snooze and the guy in the seat next to me RUDELY wakes me up and says "We're about to land, I think you're supposed to put the window shutter back up"

That's the last time I agree to having him as my co-pilot.

What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?

No Merci.

How many unnecessarily rude people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NO, SCREW YOU!!

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