I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

I used to view smokers as rude due to the harmful effects of secondhand smoke.

Now that assisted-suicide is legal, I view them as polite.

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What do you call a rude black hole?

A masshole.

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Caribbean hens are so rude

Damn jerk chickens

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

She told me I was being rude for kink-shaming her...

All I said was, "Karen, stop yelling at the customer service rep."

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Rude people are like dicks

They pop up for no reason, and they all need a good pounding.

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What do you call a rude German?

A Deutsche-bag!

I bet you did Nazi that coming :)

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An elderly woman told me "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.", Because I was being a little too rude...

I told her "You get more flies with shit than with honey, so go fuck yourself."

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself..

My doctor is very rude.

I went in with some legitimate concerns about my prostate and he just gave me the finger!

What do you call a rude and isolated bacteria?

Uncultured.

My sisters so rude...

Yesterday I was just minding my own business and she asks me
"Hey can you tell me what a lake in a desert is?"

Startled, I ignored her question and quickly said
"Oh hey sis!"

And then she just said thanks and left. I can't believe some girls.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

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I've been seeing my neighbour for the past few months, right up till she started to be extremely rude.

I mean who the fuck closes their blinds when they sleep.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?

Because they have no class

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Rude joke

Two neighbourhood women are talking away across the fence. Natter natter, blah, blah. All day. About 5pm one of them hears her husband's car arrive home. She freaks and runs into the house to make his dinner. Looks around and grabs the first thing she sees; a can of dog food. Chucks it in the micro-...

How many unnecessarily rude people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NO, SCREW YOU!!

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Happiness is someone laughing at a rude word.

"Ha Penis"

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

Why are single German women so rude?

Cuz they don't have any Männer

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I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

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People nowadays are so rude

Last time I got on a plane everybody went batshit crazy for no reason, screaming and running around the place.

I mean, I was just saying "Hi" to my friend Jack.

Just last week I saw a friend of mine and his wife at the local restaurant. He is 47 and his wife is 19. Other diners were making rude comments about them, giving them dirty looks.

It totally ruined their 7th wedding anniversary dinner.

The Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing...

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

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Having a conversation with a couple of bouncers...

I was in the pub last night having a conversation with a couple of bouncers, when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, “Will you talk to my face, not my fucking tits.”

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

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What do you call an extremely rude potato?

A dick tater.

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There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt an...

I've heard it's rude to interrupt someone when they're talking, so...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years!

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

My neighbor is so inconsiderate!

He came pounding on my front door at 4am.

Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!

Women...

If a man is trying to do something nice in the shower like wash your back, just let them do it instead of being rude and saying “who are you and how’d you get in my house”.
Thanks

Three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled ...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

So damn rude.

Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxe...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

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The rude professor.

A biology professor in Italy was giving an anatomy class. "The largest penis was discovered in an archeological finding in rome". Two or three offended female students get up to leave. The professor says "hey girls" The female students turn around in a egotistical manner expecting an apology. The p...

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

Hannibal Lector crashed my dinner party and rudely demanded that I feed him!

I gave him a piece of my mind.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?

No Merci.

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

I hate that I’m on Reddit

And I’m rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.

It’s so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

What's the pinnacle of rudeness?

Hitting a blind man in the face and saying: you didn't see that coming.

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

An extremely handsome man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar and begins small talk with a few girls. He's charismatic and the girls love him. He talks most of the night away. But after a while another man enters. This man is rather ugly. Perhaps even hideous. Like God got drunk and began just throwing mismatched facial features onto an...

What do you call rude bus drivers?

Bustards

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That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. I...

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A couple

A couple always says "doing homework" when they want to have some sex.

One day, the wife texted her husband, "Do you want to do some homework with me? "

The husband texted back, "No, I have some extra work to do. "

The next day, he felt guilty for his rudeness, so he texted his ...

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She was in good hands

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be rude or seem politically incorrect, she decided that it's just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her sur...

My dad’s sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her

It’s gotten to the point we’re we’ve had to preface every meeting with:

“Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold”

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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

The easiest thing I’ve done all day

I was in chemistry class, and was having problem with one of the questions, so I asked the girl next to me. She was very rude about it and after she finished the problem she said with an attitude, “There, that was the easiest thing I’ve done all day.” I brush it off and move on. Then, as it’s time ...

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

I tried to get an overseas job with a large Christian church and they were very rude to me.

A lady answered the phone and I said " I am interested in a missionary position can you help me?" . She called me pervert and hung up!

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What do political opinions and a penis have in common?

It is rude to bust them out in public...

I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

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Why was the high school dropout always so rude to people?

Because he didn’t have any class.

Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

"Was it all fun and games up until that point?"

Tall people are so rude.

It's like they're always looking down on you.

Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently.

But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!


Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Lo...

I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy

He has a strong Taipei personality

Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.

“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.

“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enoug...

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Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

What job are rude epileptics well suited for?

Salt shakers.

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A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the the...

Why do I find broken clocks rude?

Because they won't give me the time of day.

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A man asked his friend: "What does 1000 Hz sound like?"

His friend rudely replied: "Fuck off."

A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground

She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.

A man stands outside of a toothbrush factory

The owner of the toothbrush factory arrives early in the morning to find a man he has never met standing outside of the front doors.

As he approaches, the stranger sees him and says "Hey misther, I want to shell Toofbruthes for you!"

The factory owner is a little weirded out, but the ...

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Little Johnny is learning the alphabet...

And you guys all know little Johnny, right? The kid is *no good.* He uses any excuse to disrupt class and say something rude. And his teacher is going through the alphabet and asking for examples of the letters.


"Who can tell me a word that starts with 'a'?"

Johnny's hand shoots up...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

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What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.



(Too rude?)

My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”

Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

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Why are constipated people so rude?

They don't give a crap

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Rude parrot on an airliner

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minut...

I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they...

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Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.

He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.

A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a tabl...

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Tried hitting on a girl at the bar... She rudely said "I only like brown cock"

I sighed and said "I guess we can start with anal if you insist".

It's rude to call someone a fob

You just assumed they understand English

I put this on askreddit a little while ago:

So there’s this priest who dies and goes to heaven, and he’s waiting in the line in front of the pearly gates. So the line moves, and it’s the guy in front of him’s turn to talk with St. Peter. So the guy says, “My name is Vinny Sarducci, taxi driver from Las Vegas. St. Peter says, “Vinny? Glad to m...

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