What did the spontaneous rug peddler say?

Carpet Diem

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

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Not Clickbait! If you read this list you will spontaneously shit yourself.

Number two will surprise you.

Women say they want a man who is funny and spontaneous

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters.

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

My sister when through a phase where she spontaneously split down the middle making two identical copies. Now they are...

My one Sis and Mitosis.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

My wife told me to be more spontaneous and funny...

But she was all screaming and tears, when I banged on the kitchen window dressed in a clown outfit!

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

I once dated a girl who died because of spontaneous human combustion.

She was pretty hot.

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The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

Did you hear about the guy who spontaneously combusted?

He was arrested shorty after for waving a fire arm.

What do you call a spontaneous man named Lee?

spontaneously

My wife is leaving me because I'm noisy, bulimic, and get spontaneous erections...

She said I can't keep it down.

The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous"

I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...

Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but...

when I tap on the window late at night dressed as a clown, they scream and call the cops.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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An older couple decided to spice up their sex lifes.

The wife decided to be spontaneous and sends a close up nude picture to her husband at work with the message "Look what I've got for you"

He replied urgently: "I'll be home as soon as I can"

The wife sets up a romantic setting and gets dolled up and gets excited when her husband pull...

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

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What do nitroglycerin and my penis have in common?

The slightest jolt, impact or friction can result in spontaneous detonation.

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

Why did the art critics hate Monet so much?

Because he loved having spontaneous impressions.

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What do we call the ejaculate of a pyromaniac?

Spontaneous Cumbustion.

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

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Man goes to the doctor.

Man: "Doc, you gotta help me. I sing spontaneously, and uncontrollably."

Doctor: what do you mean?

Man: Well whenever I see a woman on the street I start singing "She's a lady". And Any time I cross paths with a cat I'll sing "What's new pussy cat?".

Doctor : What you have is...

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NSFW. Bob is complaining about his sex life..

.. to his friend Joe.

"It's so boring, just one position, in-out repeat as necessary while Jane just stares at the ceiling."

Joe strokes his chin thoughtfully and says "you need to start being dynamic, spontaneous, dominant and innovative! As soon as she comes to bed just surprise her ...

A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed coup...

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A Professor is preparing her class for the their final exam...

The professor has finished going over the material for the exam and turns to her class before releasing them.

Prof: "Alright guys, this is the big one, if you don't pass the exam you'll fail the class. Also, you must be on time. Short of a sudden family death or extreme spontaneous illness, y...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

A married couple were playing golf

on a sweet Sunday afternoon. The wife out of nowhere weirdly asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?". The husband swiftly replied, "No sweetie, you know I wouldn't".
The wife immediately got back saying, "Don't lie to me. I'm sure you would".

The husband sensed this mi...

My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..

He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment

Anniversary Gift

A man walks into a travel agency. He approaches the travel agent and says, "Hello. My fortieth anniversary is coming up and I'd like to plan a special trip for my wife."

"Wow," replies the travel agent, "Forty years? How do you keep the magic alive for so long?"

"Well," replies the man...

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

Nothing warms my heart...

...quite like spontaneous combustion

An artist, architect, and engineer are at a bar...

...talking about having a wife vs. a mistress.
The artist declares that he prefers a mistress because he finds them more spontaneous and exciting.
The architect says, "no, I much prefer a wife because I enjoy building that foundation with one woman and love the security that comes with marriag...

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So a man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says "Now sir, what seems to be the problem?" And the man tells him "Well it's a little embarrassing you see SEX BOMB SEX BOMB! YOU'RE MY SEX BOMB AND BABY YOU CAN TURN ME ON"

The doctor is stunned and says "what the hell was that?"

"That's the problem doc every now and th...

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park eating lunch.

As they eat they see two people walk into a house.

After a while they see three people leave the house.

The physicist says "Simple, due to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, the universe has spontaneou...

Tough choice in Florida governor's race...

Charlie Crist and Rick Scott are standing at opposite ends of a theater when both men spontaneously burst into flames and there's only one fire extinguisher in the entire building!

Where would you hide the fire extinguisher?

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