A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

My mother claims that raw fish keeps disappearing from our refrigerator

It's the Ghost of sushi, ma

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn’t give you chickenella?

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

I must've eaten raw chicken when I named my kids

Because I ended up with Sam and Ella

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What sound would Gordon Ramsay make if he were a dinosaur?

ITS FUCKING RAW!

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Why does Gordon Ramsey have 5 kids?

Because he's always fucking raw!!!

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar.

The bartender replies: "We don't serve raw meat after 11pm"

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My ex wife left me because I was banging prostitutes behind her back. When she found out, she told everyone I was a sex addict. She was 100% wrong, though.

I fucked all those prostitutes raw. That makes me a gambling addict.

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Gordon Ramsay is the best person to teach about safe sex.

Because if theres one thing he hates in life,

"It's fucking raw"

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

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A woman walked into a man’s house with a gun...

She pointed the gun at the man and said “let me suck your dick or I’ll blow your head off.”

The man complied, and she proceeded to forcibly suck his dick for 4 hours, until he was raw, sore, and whimpering.

She then got up and stormed out.

The man waited a few minutes, curled o...

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

What do Asian cannibals eat?

Raw men

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

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How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

Why are raw meats expensive?

Because they’re so rare.

What did the cannibal order at a restaurant?

Raw-men!

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”?

Do some people actually cook that stuff?

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My wife wanted to try a new technique in bed called "the Gordon Ramsay"

It's fucking raw

My rapper name would be Medium Rare

Cus it’s kinda raw

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.

If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

A miner is selling raw ore...

He's approached by a blacksmith who says, "I'll take it."
The miner questions, "Which one?"
Blacksmith replies," Either ore."

BADUMTISSSS

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

How does Lady Gaga prefer you cook her steak?

Raw
Raw
Raw-raw
Raw


I will see myself out

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

How does raw chicken taste?

Fowl

A man is waiting in line at a convenience store when the man in front of him puts a raw steak on the counter and leaves with his purchase.

The guy sees this and thinks to himself, "I bet a steak is way cheaper than what I usually buy at this store, I should try that!" So the next day he cooks up a well done steak, takes it to the store, and when the cashier rings him up, puts it on the counter. The cashier looks a bit concerned and say...

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A hunter goes off into the woods

And he finds a bear. He raises his gun, shoots and misses!

The bear gallops over, bends the hunter over and fucks him in the ass.

The hunter leaves the woods with his ass sore as hell.

The hunter returns the next day and after some lookin he finds the bear. He raises his gun, ...

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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite NSFW activity?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

Why photographers make the best girlfriends?

They like when you shoot raw.

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How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it?

Decepticondoms.

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone?

The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

Crafty ex-wife

Out of the blue, John casually told his wife he wanted a divorce. – I’ve fallen in love with Stacy, that new young lady at the office, he said. – You can stay in the house until next week. We need to find a buyer quickly so Stacy and I can get an apartment in the city. Naturally Johns wife was devas...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure sme...

What does a serial killer eat when he’s on a budget?

Raw men

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he saw a clown having sex with the Egyptian Sun God?

It's fucking raw!

Whoever thought of the idea of the french revolution was very thorough

while the concept was mostly raw, the execution was flawless

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

Apparently Gordon Ramsay has 5 children

So atleast we know he likes one thing raw

My roommate is a very foxy woman

She regularly goes through the trash, she constantly eats all my eggs, and I once saw her eat a raw chicken.

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

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