A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

I was trying to track down a man and a woman, so I set a trap, and baited it with raw chicken.

And that's how I got Sam and Ella.

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What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite WWE show?

It's fucking RAW!

If kissing a raw fish gives you salmonella, what did Prince Charming get after kissing Cindy?

Cinderella

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw Raw Ra-aw.

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

What do cannibals on a budget eat?

Raw Men noodles

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

My mother claims that raw fish keeps disappearing from our refrigerator

It's the Ghost of sushi, ma

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn’t give you chickenella?

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

My boyfriend ladies and gentlemen: What do you call raw meat that's running late?

Tardy Tartar

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

It's twenty one years since my father choked to death while eating sushi...

And its still pretty raw....

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Which Eddie Murphy stand up is Gordan Ramsey's favorite?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

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Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class

“The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”?

Do some people actually cook that stuff?

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How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

What happens if you eat raw French fish?

You get food poissoning

Posted a slightly raw fruit-joke on reddit, and after a while...

ripe inbox

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After a night at a singles bar, a man in his late 60's chats up two girls in their 20's, and talks them into a three way at his place the following evening (NSFW)

The next day, the pressure of satisfying two, substantially younger women begins to weigh on him. He goes to local pharmacy, and after some discussion, the old playboy heads home with a box of viagra.



The next day, he returns.

"I think I need your help again" he says to the ph...

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Why does Gordon Ramsey have 5 kids?

Because he's always fucking raw!!!

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A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

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A Serbian, a Bosnian and a Montenegrin walked into a bar

They started talking about some random shit when the The bartender interrupted them and said; of each one of you would have to choose to be reincarnated as an animal, what would it be?

The Serbian said- - that's easy, a Bear. They are strong and fierce and respected.

The Bosanac said: ...

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

A miner is selling raw ore...

He's approached by a blacksmith who says, "I'll take it."
The miner questions, "Which one?"
Blacksmith replies," Either ore."

BADUMTISSSS

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.

If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

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A woman walked into a man’s house with a gun...

She pointed the gun at the man and said “let me suck your dick or I’ll blow your head off.”

The man complied, and she proceeded to forcibly suck his dick for 4 hours, until he was raw, sore, and whimpering.

She then got up and stormed out.

The man waited a few minutes, curled o...

If Gordon Ramsay was a WWE wrestler, he'd go to Smackdown.

He hates RAW.

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

How does raw chicken taste?

Fowl

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

A man is waiting in line at a convenience store when the man in front of him puts a raw steak on the counter and leaves with his purchase.

The guy sees this and thinks to himself, "I bet a steak is way cheaper than what I usually buy at this store, I should try that!" So the next day he cooks up a well done steak, takes it to the store, and when the cashier rings him up, puts it on the counter. The cashier looks a bit concerned and say...

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar.

The bartender replies: "We don't serve raw meat after 11pm"

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My wife wanted to try a new technique in bed called "the Gordon Ramsay"

It's fucking raw

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Gordon Ramsay is the best person to teach about safe sex.

Because if theres one thing he hates in life,

"It's fucking raw"

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How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it?

Decepticondoms.

Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone?

The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

My rapper name would be Medium Rare

Cus it’s kinda raw

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure sme...

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

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A hunter goes off into the woods

And he finds a bear. He raises his gun, shoots and misses!

The bear gallops over, bends the hunter over and fucks him in the ass.

The hunter leaves the woods with his ass sore as hell.

The hunter returns the next day and after some lookin he finds the bear. He raises his gun, ...

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