UPJOKE
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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon

It’s a bad case of chickenella.

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[NSFW!] What's Lady gaga's favourite way to have sex?

Raw raw, raw raw raw!

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

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The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spiri...

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant . . .

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?”. His sous chef scans the ...

Who is the sweetest Saint in history?

St. Rawberry

I was trying to track down a man and a woman, so I set a trap, and baited it with raw chicken.

And that's how I got Sam and Ella.

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

If kissing a raw fish gives you salmonella, what did Prince Charming get after kissing Cindy?

Cinderella

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

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Japanese banks

The recent tsunami in Japan has badly affected the banking sector.

Origami bank has folded.

Sumo bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai bank has cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.

Analysts report that there is some...

Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll?

It is the Lady Gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

I must've eaten raw chicken when I named my kids

Because I ended up with Sam and Ella

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn’t give you chickenella?

My mother claims that raw fish keeps disappearing from our refrigerator

It's the Ghost of sushi, ma

A man was enjoying an evening stroll on the beach...

...when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, "This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!" The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.

As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby...

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

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Does Gordon Ramsey wear a condom?

No. He prefers FUCKING RAW!

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”?

Do some people actually cook that stuff?

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How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

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What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite WWE show?

It's fucking RAW!

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A miner is selling raw ore...

He's approached by a blacksmith who says, "I'll take it."
The miner questions, "Which one?"
Blacksmith replies," Either ore."

BADUMTISSSS

What do cannibals on a budget eat?

Raw Men noodles

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

Posted a slightly raw fruit-joke on reddit, and after a while...

ripe inbox

What did Caesar say when he found out someone laced his raw vegetable appetizer with E. coli?

Et tu crudite'?

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Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class

“The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”

How does raw chicken taste?

Fowl

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.

If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

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How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it?

Decepticondoms.

Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone?

The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.

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After a night at a singles bar, a man in his late 60's chats up two girls in their 20's, and talks them into a three way at his place the following evening (NSFW)

The next day, the pressure of satisfying two, substantially younger women begins to weigh on him. He goes to local pharmacy, and after some discussion, the old playboy heads home with a box of viagra.



The next day, he returns.

"I think I need your help again" he says to the ph...

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Which Eddie Murphy stand up is Gordan Ramsey's favorite?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

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My wife wanted to try a new technique in bed called "the Gordon Ramsay"

It's fucking raw

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

It's twenty one years since my father choked to death while eating sushi...

And its still pretty raw....

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

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A Serbian, a Bosnian and a Montenegrin walked into a bar

They started talking about some random shit when the The bartender interrupted them and said; of each one of you would have to choose to be reincarnated as an animal, what would it be?

The Serbian said- - that's easy, a Bear. They are strong and fierce and respected.

The Bosanac said: ...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

If Gordon Ramsay was a WWE wrestler, he'd go to Smackdown.

He hates RAW.

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Gordon Ramsay is the best person to teach about safe sex.

Because if theres one thing he hates in life,

"It's fucking raw"

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A woman walked into a man’s house with a gun...

She pointed the gun at the man and said “let me suck your dick or I’ll blow your head off.”

The man complied, and she proceeded to forcibly suck his dick for 4 hours, until he was raw, sore, and whimpering.

She then got up and stormed out.

The man waited a few minutes, curled o...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

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