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Raw Jokes

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..

At least he likes one thing raw.

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Have you heard about the new Japanese-Jamaican raw fish dish?

It's just pokemon...

I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon

It’s a bad case of chickenella.

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I've had my wallet stolen and my ass is red raw from being whipped.

I know my girlfriend didn't want to get pregnant but there must be better methods of contraception than sending me out to find a con domme.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”?

Do some people actually cook that stuff?

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How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

Why is buying raw iron such a pain in the ass?

I don't know. It's just a real ore deal.

A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

I must've eaten raw chicken when I named my kids

Because I ended up with Sam and Ella

A miner is selling raw ore...

He's approached by a blacksmith who says, "I'll take it."
The miner questions, "Which one?"
Blacksmith replies," Either ore."

BADUMTISSSS

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[NSFW!] What's Lady gaga's favourite way to have sex?

Raw raw, raw raw raw!

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn’t give you chickenella?

If kissing a raw fish gives you salmonella, what did Prince Charming get after kissing Cindy?

Cinderella

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

How does raw chicken taste?

Fowl

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.

If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I was trying to track down a man and a woman, so I set a trap, and baited it with raw chicken.

And that's how I got Sam and Ella.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

How does Lady Gaga like her sushi?

Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw!

What do you call gungan served raw?

Tartare Binks...

Who is the sweetest Saint in history?

St. Rawberry

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:



One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear...

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

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Gordon Ramsay teaches a sex-ed class

“The way you make babies is FUCKING RAW!!”

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll?

It is the Lady Gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone?

The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.



"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

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I guarantee Gordon Ramsay always uses protection.

He hates fucking raw.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

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I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

I Read That There Were 300 Battered Women In America Every Day

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

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A man has a personal problem

A man is convinced of himself that he has sex problems. He constantly thinks about sex and he knows this ruins his life. One day, he finally goes to a psychiatrist, to try and fix whatever makes him think about sex constantly. She, the psychiatrist, agrees to try treating him.

\- Okay, let m...

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