UPJOKE
precipitationclimatefogsnowwindrainmeteorologysunhumiditystormtornadoatmospherehurricaneconditionsthunderstorm

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

the weather here is like the Royal family

Minus 1

On a weather forecast in Russia, a reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:

"They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth"

He calls the guy and asks

"What's the weather like where you are"

"It's around -20C I would say"

"I knew the news were lying, they said i...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

What is a zombie's favorite type of weather?

A brainstorm.

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

In this hot weather...

...it's important to remember that old people and children can die in cars.

You have to weld the doors shut, mind, and make sure they don't have anything to break the windows with though

what do women and weather have in common?

when it's getting wet, it's time to go inside



BOOYAH

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

After retiring, Mr. Johnson moved into a condo near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.

Almost every morning, Mr. Johnson saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning.

After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Mr. Johnson noticed something. Some m...

Your Mama is so fat...

The National Weather Service gives a name to each one of her farts.

Personally, I would never go to see the Eiffel Tower in cloudy weather

I dont't see the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are driving in a truck.

On one cold icy day a blonde, brunette and a red head decide to take a drive.

The brunette as the best driver in icy conditions decides to drive. The red head decides to ride passenger because she keeps the best eye out. The blonde decides to ride in the bed of the truck because she’s dress...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a brunette.

A blonde and a brunette are spending their day off together at the local lake. Since they're alone, they decide to go skinny dipping and enjoy the beautiful weather.

After frolicking around for 30 minutes or so they decide they have had enough fun. Just as they emerge from the water two bu...

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

A Joke My Brain Told Me

As I was waking up from jumbled dreams this morning, I heard my brain telling this joke with no conscious input from me. I had to flesh out some details, but the gist of it is more or less what I remember. Of course, I have heard similar jokes, but this is my brain's spontaneous version.

A gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a priest to confess

A man goes to a priest to confess.


“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”- says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?” - the priest asks him.

“Well, me and my wife went to my sister-in-law for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, fathe...

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do weather forecasters have in common with Nazis?

They often lie about showers.

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few years back, I dated a Weather Girl...

When she broke up with me on our first anniversary, she said

"Our sex life is like the rainfall in Egypt. 7 inches a year."

But it's funny, I don't remember fucking her a second time.

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

I really enjoyed that Weather show on Netflix

All 4 seasons of it

Why was the King unhappy with the weather?

Because it was reigning.

"Yooo dude the weather is looking lit today"

"Dude I'm blind"

"Oh I see"

Bad Weather.

Since this bad weather started, my wife hasn't stopped staring through the patio windows.

If it gets any worse, I might have to let her in..

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys were riding a bike

3 guys were riding a bike in cold snowy weather. Tom was driving, Jacob was sitting in the middle and Ron was at the back. All of them were shivering due to the chilly wind.

Jacob to Ron: I feel freezing and can't stand this long. Please advise me on something to do.

Ron to Jacob: Don'...

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

How did my cat know tomorrow's weather?

He looked at the fur-cast

I forgot the gaeilge for weather

Aimsir it'll come back to me

Muslim weather is so unpredictable...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heil!

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

Todays weather forecast…

S
O
e

S

H
W R

Scattered showers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up h...

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

The weather

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while".

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

What is Snoop Doggie Dogs favorite type of weather?

Drizzle

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

You guys liking this honeybee weather?

It swarm.

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather

when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

What’s your dogs name?

An elderly couple were outside one day enjoying the fine weather. The wife was sitting on the porch. The old man was in the yard playing with their dog. A little girl walked by and was delighted to see the dog and said, “hello mister, I like your dog, what’s its name.?” The old man paused for second...

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

A young couple got tired of the cold weather and decided to take a trip down to Florida.

But because their work schedules didn't work together, it was decided that the husband would fly down first, with the wife following the next day. When the husband arrived in Florida, he decided to send an email to his wife, but unknowingly sent it to the wrong email. Meanwhile, in a different town,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

A British nobleman

named Raines married a Chinese woman. They had a baby that they named Wen. They argued about his middle name but finally settled on Everett. The son now works as the weather man, Wen Everett Raines.

The weather is so clear nowdays

You can see John Cena

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

Why do Native Americans hate rainy weather in April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

What do you call a hooker in below freezing weather?

A Frostitute!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd say fuck the weather

but it's definitely under 18.

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke.

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like a weather forecast in the winter.

I predict they will get 5-7 inches but they usually only get 2-3 inches.

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

Man 1: What's the weather like outside? Man 2: it's obtuse. Man 1: What?

Man 2: Its greater than 90 degrees.

I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there"

He spat on me and told me it's raining

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm?

His warnings went amish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Pack your bags, honey" a man says to his wife, "I've just won the lottery"

"Oh, how exciting" she says, "Should I pack for cold weather, or hot weather?

"I don't give a shit, as long as you're out of here by this evening."

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

The weather in your country may be wet,

but German weather will always be 'wetter'.

It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

Weather

My wife asked me for the weather to come in 30 minutes.

I asked Officer Rudolph, wearing his medal on a red ribbon.

"Definitely raining." He said.

See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone....

I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in climate change.

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common?

They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

Good morning everyone, today's weather is

None of you businesses, stay home, stay safe.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

I hate windy weather

It really blows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.