Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

The Bureau of Meteorology have issued a severe weather warning.

They have told the weather to not do it again or there will be trouble.

A spoon, fork and a knife are are asking questions..

the spoon asks the time

the fork then asks a question

and the knife wanted to know what the weather was

but he wanted to know what the fork asked

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

What's the worst type of weather to hire?

Lightning, it's always on strike.

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy.

The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.

What type of weather do fishermen prefer?

When it is *Overcast* out.

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke

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Indians know the weather

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going t...

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What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could ...

A hillbilly and a weatherman are talking about the weather.

Hillbilly: We don't need you here. We have the best way to tell the weather.

Weatherman: What is that?

Hillbilly: We have a bucket.

Weatherman: What if it rains?

Hillybilly: The bucket is full of water

Weatherman: What if it snows?

Hillybilly: It has snow ...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

What's R. Kelly's favorite kind of weather?

He prefers it in the teens.

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.

If this keeps up I might need to let her i...

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%?

It gets a bit muggy

I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

Everybody complains about the weather . . .

but nobody does anything about it except the CIA.

Did you hear what weather is going to be for Super Bowl LIII?

Sunny, clear sky with no Brees.

Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather?

He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:

\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?

\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.

\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!

\- Ah, this must be outside.

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

Met Office severe weather warning:

Be careful who you take home tonight, you could be stuck with them for the whole weekend.

You know what they say in Seattle, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes...

then shoot yourself in the face.


R.I.P. Kurt Cobain

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

Sorry, the weather doesn’t work when the internets down

It’s all based in the cloud

It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

My favourite weather phenomenon was in 1929

When it started raining investors.

Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day.

Something must have happened to Google clouds.

The weather were having is so islamic...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

Have you experienced British weather, tasted British cuisine and met British women?

And that's why they had so many colonies.

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My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

The weather is so bad here, the wife cannot stop looking through the window if it gets any worse.

I will have to let her in.

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization

It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny gets gold.

Cloudy gets silver.

Snowy gets bronze.

And Rainy gets a precipitation award.

What's the difference between weather and climate?

You can't weather a tree, but you can climate!

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

WEATHER MONEY

Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

A: Because she expected some change in the weather.

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather.

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather. He goes to the doctor and is like "Doc, I've been sick all week, you gotta help me." The doctor pauses for a moment, considering options, and finally says "Okay, this is an age old remedy. Here's what I need you to do. Before you go in your mud p...

Due to the hot weather and water shortage in Ireland

The Dublin swimming baths are closing lanes 7 & 8

What's the difference between Mcgregor and Mayweather?

Mcgregor hugs his wife and beats his opponents while
Mayweather beats his wife and hugs his opponents

Did you check the weather for Mexico City?

It's chili today and hot tamale.

British food, British weather and British culture.

And thus a great colonial empire of sailors was born.

Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast?

Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

“How are your parents?” shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied:” They’re very well, thank you. Isn’t the weather nice for this time of year?”

It was civil war.

On my way to work, someone asked me “how’s the weather up there?”

So I spit on them and said it’s raining.

I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever...

But turnover is low due to their low pressure system

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

the weather app on my android tablet tells me it's sunny outside....

.... and it's the same on my Iphone, but if i look out of my window i can totally see it's raining.
Oh my god, I think i've just proven the superiority of windows over Android and Ios.

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

Bad weather..

I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they’ve had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn’t done any...

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today in the UK the MET office issued a yellow weather warning for impending snow...

... really just taking the piss there aren't they.

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

What’s a rappers favorite type of weather?

A Lil Wayne

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

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I'd like to say "Fuck this weather"

But I'm pretty sure it's under 18

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

Musings on Weather Forecasts

If a male meteorologist tells you there'll be 8 inches of snow that means one thing.

But if a female meteorologist tells you there'll be 8 inches of snow that means another.

Vaginas are like the weather

If its wet, its time to go inside.

Your local weather man is the same as every guy you meet at a bar.

They tell you to expect 12" but you'll only get 3"

Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb...

But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.

Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide le...

The British weather has just been declared Muslim

A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially r...

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A weather girl walks into a chemist

And buys an umbrella, a pair of sunglasses and a box of tampons.

She was expecting rain with sunny periods that day

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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile...

"24 but feels like 36."

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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