UPJOKE
precipitationclimatefogsnowwindrainmeteorologysunhumiditystormtornadoatmospherehurricaneconditionsthunderstorm

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

what do women and weather have in common?

when it's getting wet, it's time to go inside



BOOYAH

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

On a weather forecast in Russia, a reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:

"They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth"

He calls the guy and asks

"What's the weather like where you are"

"It's around -20C I would say"

"I knew the news were lying, they said i...

Why was the King unhappy with the weather?

Because it was reigning.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

Personally, I would never go to see the Eiffel Tower in cloudy weather

I dont't see the point.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

British weather is a bit like Islam

It's sometimes sunni but it is usually shi'ite!

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

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What do weather forecasters have in common with Nazis?

They often lie about showers.

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

I really enjoyed that Weather show on Netflix

All 4 seasons of it

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

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A man goes to confession

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

Bad Weather.

Since this bad weather started, my wife hasn't stopped staring through the patio windows.

If it gets any worse, I might have to let her in..

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

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A few years back, I dated a Weather Girl...

When she broke up with me on our first anniversary, she said

"Our sex life is like the rainfall in Egypt. 7 inches a year."

But it's funny, I don't remember fucking her a second time.

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

Muslim weather is so unpredictable...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

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What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heil!

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"Pack your bags, honey" a man says to his wife, "I've just won the lottery"

"Oh, how exciting" she says, "Should I pack for cold weather, or hot weather?

"I don't give a shit, as long as you're out of here by this evening."

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

The weather

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while".

Air Force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the ...

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Bad weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up h...

I forgot the gaeilge for weather

Aimsir it'll come back to me

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

Todays weather forecast…

S
O
e

S

H
W R

Scattered showers

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

All my friends came to visit me in the place I'm in for vacation even tho I warned them the weather is terribly cold

I was clear in my message "It's cool here, I'm chillin"

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We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

You guys liking this honeybee weather?

It swarm.

If you get sick in space

Are you really under the weather?

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The town drunk is sitting at a bar and notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar

As he works up his courage to approach her he sees another guy walk up to the woman and say a few words . Then the woman gets up and they both leave the bar.

The next day he’s at the same bar and there is a different beautiful woman. But before her can walk over, the same dude quickly w...

Code red for storm Eunice in The Netherlands

A friend of mine is now on Texel, one of the Dutch Wadden Islands, off the coast of The Netherlands. Sadly, the weather conditions there are very, very bad. The perceived temperature is close to freezing, lots of heavy rain, and wind gusts of close to 100 mph (150 km/h). They are now completely isol...

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather

when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

New perfume

A public relations professional walks into a bar and orders a glass of champagne. "What's new in your world?" the bartender asks. "We're holding a gala event to launch the newest perfume by Chanel. It's made exclusively from the purest, melted and distilled midwestern snowfall," she tells the barten...

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

What is Snoop Doggie Dogs favorite type of weather?

Drizzle

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

Lottery winner

Husband gets home in a very good mood. He calls his wife and says:

\- Woman, pack your bags! You're going on a trip! I won the lottery!!!

\- Oh honey, that's fantastic!! But what kind of clothes should I pack for this trip? For warm weather, cold weather?

\- It doesn't matter, a...

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

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An elderly cuple of farmers is having dinner.

The man says:
-I'm gonna go out and take a piss.
He comes back later with spots on his trousers, so the woman asks:
-Is the weather rainy?

-No, it's windy.

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

Why do Native Americans hate rainy weather in April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

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I'd say fuck the weather

but it's definitely under 18.

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Why do we put cocks on weather vanes?

Because if you used a cunt, the wind would blow right through it!

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude….

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and...

I get very annoyed when people mix up there, their, and they're.

From now on I'm going two point it out weather they like it or not

The weather in your country may be wet,

but German weather will always be 'wetter'.

The weather is so clear nowdays

You can see John Cena

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm?

His warnings went amish.

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What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

What do you call a hooker in below freezing weather?

A Frostitute!

A young couple got tired of the cold weather and decided to take a trip down to Florida.

But because their work schedules didn't work together, it was decided that the husband would fly down first, with the wife following the next day. When the husband arrived in Florida, he decided to send an email to his wife, but unknowingly sent it to the wrong email. Meanwhile, in a different town,...

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

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My sex life is like a weather forecast in the winter.

I predict they will get 5-7 inches but they usually only get 2-3 inches.

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

At The Door

One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off.

The woman wanted to make conver...

Man 1: What's the weather like outside? Man 2: it's obtuse. Man 1: What?

Man 2: Its greater than 90 degrees.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common?

They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

Good morning everyone, today's weather is

None of you businesses, stay home, stay safe.

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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!

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The rehearsal

There he is a drummer on the third floor of an apartment and at 3 in the morning he starts playing drums. Dum dup dum dup.
The neighbour below him, on the second floor , around 50, wakes up angry, goes upstairs, furiously knocks the door and before he could say anything, the drummer says: "man so...

Weather

My wife asked me for the weather to come in 30 minutes.

I asked Officer Rudolph, wearing his medal on a red ribbon.

"Definitely raining." He said.

See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone....

I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in climate change.

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Two worms live together on a gold course.

First worm asks what’s the weather like? Second worm says he’ll check and starts making his way up the dirt.

Meanwhile, two lady golfers are on the course. First one has to piss. Second one says just do it right here, nobody’s around.

Meanwhile the worm goes to the dirt looks up and g...

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What's the weather got in common with me masturbating in a hotel?

We both come in Four Seasons

I hate windy weather

It really blows

I traveled about 3 mph to work this morning because of this cold weather.

I went through parking lots, hopped curbs, slid across side walks and roads. It was exciting. I should walk to work more often.

I hate people who phone me up complaining about the state of the weather..

That's why i lost my job with the mountain rescue team..

It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

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Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

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