I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

What type of weather do fishermen prefer?

When it is *Overcast* out.

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke

On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy.

The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

​

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if...

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%?

It gets a bit muggy

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

Everybody complains about the weather . . .

but nobody does anything about it except the CIA.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.

If this keeps up I might need to let her i...

You know what they say in Seattle, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes...

then shoot yourself in the face.


R.I.P. Kurt Cobain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Indians know the weather

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going t...

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

Did you hear what weather is going to be for Super Bowl LIII?

Sunny, clear sky with no Brees.

Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather?

He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:

\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?

\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.

\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!

\- Ah, this must be outside.

What is Satan’s favorite kind of weather?

Hail

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

Met Office severe weather warning:

Be careful who you take home tonight, you could be stuck with them for the whole weekend.

This weather

snow joke

Sorry, the weather doesn’t work when the internets down

It’s all based in the cloud

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

My favourite weather phenomenon was in 1929

When it started raining investors.

Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day.

Something must have happened to Google clouds.

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

What's the queen's favourite type of weather?

Reign.

The weather were having is so islamic...

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

So there God was creating the earth.

So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.

"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"

"Well, have a look. You see th...

Stolen joke - why are weather girls so damn hot ?

Global Warming

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

The weather is so bad here, the wife cannot stop looking through the window if it gets any worse.

I will have to let her in.

Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization

It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)



Update:

For those wondering, my wife was not amused.

Note to self: avoid messing with wife before she's ...

It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

What does a Muslim and the English weather have in common?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny gets gold.

Cloudy gets silver.

Snowy gets bronze.

And Rainy gets a precipitation award.

What's the difference between weather and climate?

You can't weather a tree, but you can climate!

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Did you check the weather for Mexico City?

It's chili today and hot tamale.

WEATHER MONEY

Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

A: Because she expected some change in the weather.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

British food, British weather and British culture.

And thus a great colonial empire of sailors was born.

On my way to work, someone asked me “how’s the weather up there?”

So I spit on them and said it’s raining.

What's the difference between Mcgregor and Mayweather?

Mcgregor hugs his wife and beats his opponents while
Mayweather beats his wife and hugs his opponents

“How are your parents?” shouted Cromwell across the battlefield. And the king replied:” They’re very well, thank you. Isn’t the weather nice for this time of year?”

It was civil war.

I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever...

But turnover is low due to their low pressure system

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather.

So there's this pig that's feeling under the weather. He goes to the doctor and is like "Doc, I've been sick all week, you gotta help me." The doctor pauses for a moment, considering options, and finally says "Okay, this is an age old remedy. Here's what I need you to do. Before you go in your mud p...

Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast?

Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

the weather app on my android tablet tells me it's sunny outside....

.... and it's the same on my Iphone, but if i look out of my window i can totally see it's raining.
Oh my god, I think i've just proven the superiority of windows over Android and Ios.

Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

Bad weather..

I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they’ve had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn’t done any...

What kind of weather turns on a masochist?

Lashing rain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

today in the UK the MET office issued a yellow weather warning for impending snow...

... really just taking the piss there aren't they.

In spite of the recent weather in the UK recently.

And also because the nearest shop was a mile away, I went to 84 year old Margaret's house next door to see if she needed anything from the shop.

She said she needed a few things so I gave her my list of things that I needed.

I mean there's no point in both of us going out in that nast...

What’s a rappers favorite type of weather?

A Lil Wayne

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

Did you hear about the fat kidney doctor who could predict the weather?

She was a meaty urologist.

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

How many meteorologists does it take to accurately predict the weather?

No one knows; it’s never been done.

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd like to say "Fuck this weather"

But I'm pretty sure it's under 18

Vaginas are like the weather

If its wet, its time to go inside.

The British weather has just been declared Muslim

A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite

Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb...

But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially r...

Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“

Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile...

"24 but feels like 36."

What weapon does a weather God use?

A Rain-bow

Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide le...

What do you call a male pig with no legs and delusions of being a weather forecaster?

Groundhog

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

Why did the weather man's wife leave him?

He promised nine inches but she only got three.

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK po...

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