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Weather Jokes

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

May cat seems to like stormy weather...

when it rains, it purrs.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

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A vagina is like the weather…

…once it is wet, it is time to go inside

What does a spy do in cold weather?

Goes under cover.

The weather reporter at the crossfit gym was often mistaken for a physician.

People thought he was a meaty urologist.

What does Royalty wear during stormy weather?

A Reign Coat.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

In this hot weather...

...it's important to remember that old people and children can die in cars.

You have to weld the doors shut, mind, and make sure they don't have anything to break the windows with though

Bad Weather.

Since this bad weather started, my wife hasn't stopped staring through the patio windows.

If it gets any worse, I might have to let her in..

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. H...

the weather here is like the Royal family

Minus 1

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

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Bad weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up h...

My coworker, Kelvin, recently retired from the weather station and was replaced by a new guy named Celsius

He's the new temp.

Four priests decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and went golfing in polo shirts and khakis.

However, their game was not going well, and after a series of terrible shots, the caddy asked, "Are you guys priests?"

"Yes, we are," replied one of the priests, "Why?"

'Because,' said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

What is a zombie's favorite type of weather?

A brainstorm.

Todays weather forecast…

S
O
e

S

H
W R

Scattered showers

I just check the weather app and spring still isn't arriving for the next 2 weeks.

I guess that means that the Leafs won't be out!

The weather

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while".

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

I really enjoyed that Weather show on Netflix

All 4 seasons of it

Why was the King unhappy with the weather?

Because it was reigning.

I asked a tall guy "how's the weather up there"

He spat on me and told me it's raining

It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replie...

I forgot the gaeilge for weather

Aimsir it'll come back to me

How did my cat know tomorrow's weather?

He looked at the fur-cast

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK po...

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

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What do weather forecasters have in common with Nazis?

They often lie about showers.

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What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heil!

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

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I'd like to say "Fuck this weather"

But I'm pretty sure it's under 18

Weather

My wife asked me for the weather to come in 30 minutes.

I asked Officer Rudolph, wearing his medal on a red ribbon.

"Definitely raining." He said.

See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

I think my wife is a weather forecaster...

A guy called up asking if the coast was clear.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

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Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

What do you call a fat doctor who can predict the weather?

A meaty urologist.

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We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Personally, I would never go to see the Eiffel Tower in cloudy weather

I dont't see the point.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

What is Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?

Drizzle.

Russian weather joke

I was in Russia with my wife and the weather was a little bit weird. I insisted that it was rain, my wife insisted it was snow.

We decided to ask one of the Russian Communists there. I introduced myself and he said his name was Rudolph. I then asked about the weather. And he said it was clear...

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

You guys liking this honeybee weather?

It swarm.

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

The weather is so clear nowdays

You can see John Cena

Why do Native Americans hate rainy weather in April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

I hate windy weather

It really blows

What's the weather saying today?

Baa, as usual.

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can ...

Weather girl

“…. and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

I had a date with a weather girl

It was pretty hot

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

I figured out how to control the weather.

Whenever the wind does something I want it to do, I reward it.

Whenever it does something I don't want it to do I punish it.

Eventually the wind learns to do what I want it to do.

I call it "air conditioning".

What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common?

They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke.

Good morning everyone, today's weather is

None of you businesses, stay home, stay safe.

The weather in your country may be wet,

but German weather will always be 'wetter'.

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

Bad weather..

I just received this report from a friend in the USA regarding the bad weather there at the moment. He lives in Boston and for the last 2 days they’ve had non stop snow temperatures of -16 degrees and gale force winds of up to 60mph. They are totally isolated and his mother-in-law hasn’t done any...

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A penis has a wonderful life.....for the optimists!

His two closest friends hang around and constantly update him on the weather.

His best friend is a pussy.

He never has to comb his hair.

He can quadruple in size and stand up if he really wants to see something.

He can take over all his hosts functions and thoughts whenev...

It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

Hey, Roy Moore; what's the weather forecast?

Tonight, we'll be dipping into the teens.

Why is the weather so nice in Saudi Arabia?

It's always Sunni!

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

What's R. Kelly's favorite kind of weather?

He prefers it in the teens.

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What do you call a fat weather man that studies penises?

A meaty-urologist

What's the worst type of weather to hire?

Lightning, it's always on strike.

What do you call a hooker in below freezing weather?

A Frostitute!

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

Met Office severe weather warning:

Be careful who you take home tonight, you could be stuck with them for the whole weekend.

Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide le...

Weather Channel

I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It’s like having an extra TV.

Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather

when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.

Why are most weather forecasters men?

Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches.

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

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My sex life is like a weather forecast in the winter.

I predict they will get 5-7 inches but they usually only get 2-3 inches.

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Particularly nasty weather.

There's a guy at a bar who's trying to get lucky. He walks over to a beautiful brunette and says, very casually,

"Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman is shocked. "Excuse me?!"

The man responds without missing a beat, "Particularly nasty weather."

"Oh... yes, I supp...

My favourite weather phenomenon was in 1929

When it started raining investors.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

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