A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

What it doesn’t notice is that nearby a fish is watching thinking “If that fly drops six inches in going to have myself a nice meal”.
What the fish doesn’t notice is that behind him there’s a bear watching, he’s thinking “If that fly drops six inches that fish is going to attack the fly, I’m goin...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

My wife said the lake was so pretty.

I said it's just like you
She said "aw I'm pretty!"

I said "no I mean large and frigid"


I love my new couch bed.

A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.

Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his gen...

Two blondes are standing on opposite ends of a lake.

One of them yells to the other, “Hey, how did you get to the other side!?” To which the other responds, “You are on the other side!”

There once was a man who lived in a little hut down by the lake.

Every morning he would wake up at sunrise and go down onto the docks to feed the baby ducklings.

Each day he would bring exactly 6 slices of bread down one for each baby duckling. But as summer was starting to come to an end the man thought the ducklings could use more food.

So he de...

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

A man in Lake County IL broke his back the other day.

Doctors say he may never Waukegan.

I once tried ice skating on a lake, but I fell in. Nobody helped me either, they just laughed at me panic.

Worst summer vacation ever.

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Patty and Murphy were fishing in a boat on a lake.

While fishing, they felt something bump against the side of their boat. Murphy looks over and sees a bottle. He reaches over and picks it up. He pulls the cork out of the bottle and a genie comes out of the bottle.

The genie says, “I’ll give you each a wish for releasing me.”

Patty wa...

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

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A German man jumped in a freezing lake to save my dog...

He said “keep him out of ze cold and wrap him in a warm towel”

I said are you a vet?

He said “vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

I tried guessing how deep the nearby lake was

But I just couldn't fathom it

Two men are fishing on a lake

Two men are fishing on a lake when they see a funeral procession passing on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head.
"That was a very decent thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 20 years after all."

I once saw a man flip in a boat in the middle of a huge lake.

I think he made it safely back to shore.
Oar not.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

How does an elephant come out of a lake?

Wet.

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

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Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

Why was it so stinky by the lake?

Bass terds.

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An american, a german and an albanian.

An american, a german and an albanian got caught by the devil. The devil transformed into a shark and said:
"Each one if you will throw something in this lake and ill look for it. If i find it i get your soul, and if I don't you become emortal."
The american goes first and throws a pebble. Ten...

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

I once dropped my laptop into the lake

Now it’s just a dell rolling in the deep

Why does salt lake everything taste better

Because it's sodi-yummm!

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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

What do you get when you cross a lake and a river?

Wet

A guy takes his girlfriend fishing with him out on the lake.

She talks too much and scares away the fish.
He takes his girlfriend hunting with him out in the woods.
She talks too much and scares away the deer.
He takes his girlfriend quail hunting with him out in a field.
She talks too much and scares away the quail.
He takes his girl...

A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.

Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”

He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.

He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A ...

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I was really pissed when I saw a idiot trying to row his boat in a middle of completely dried out lake bed

If I knew how to swim I would have gone there smacked him one.

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So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)

So there's this fly hovering few inches above this lake...

There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".

But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if...

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A cat and a rooster sitting on the lake shore...

The cat falls into the lake and the rooster starts laughing hysterically.


Morale of the story:


When there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock also

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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Once, there were three kingdoms by a lake.

The first was very rich and powerful, while the second was on a good slope up top. The third was an absolute shitshow, and had nothing to show for itself.

One day, the three kingdoms found out that there was a lot of gold and riches deep in the lake, and all of them claimed it. To decide on o...

Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

Game warden: "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

"But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll...

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A fly is flying over a lake (long)

Thinks to himself if I fly lower it will be cooler.

A fish in the lake is thinking at the same time if that fly comes lower I can jump up and have my lunch!

A bear on the side of the lake is thinking if that fly goes down the fish will jump up and I can run out and have my lunch.
...

How did the fish get from one lake to the next?

They took the carpal tunnel.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

Lady of the Lake

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.

As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake see...

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

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A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"

The lake says he shorewood.

Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven

They both want to see if their powers still work


so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"


So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but sinks right through, and swims to the other side.


"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did yo...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Did you hear about the French explorer who crashed his aircraft into a Canadian lake?

He drank too much Champlain.

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

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There is a woman with no arms and no legs crying on a bench at the local lake.

A man notices everyone just walking by her without stopping and starts to feel bad . He goes up to her sits down and says whats wrong ? "I have never even been hugged" she replied. So the man leans over and embraces her, yet she still crys .

What is bothering you now the man asks, "i have ne...

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.

Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.

I decided to hide my fortune beneath a stone docking platform next to a Scottish lake...

I'm keeping it under loch and quay.

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A Guy with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can't live with this long penis.. God : Go to that Lake, U will find a Female Frog. Ask her to Marry u, she'll say No & U will Lose 5 inch. He Went & asked the Frog : will u Marry me? Frog : No He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long. So he asked again : will u Marry Me? Frog : No He Lost 5 inches More. He thought 15 inch is Great, But 10inches is Ideal So he asked again : will u Marry me? Frog : How many Times do I have to tell u? NO! NO! NO!

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Three girls decide to swim across a long lake.

They want to find out which swimming style is better. So they each choose a different stroke. The race starts and all three start giving it their all not paying too much attention to the others. The brunette uses the front stroke and comes in first by about 5 mins. The red head shows up doing the ba...

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A man was swimming in a lake

The lake was in a secluded area, so he decided to swim naked. It was pretty nice and refreshing. But suddenly, as he was swimming around, he felt a hand grabbing his balls and a voice said:

-Two more or two less?

The man, scared of losing both of his balls, said:

-Umm... Two mor...

I fell and drowned in lake...

...they pulled out my body

"It's so bloated and grotesque" said one.

"He only fell in a minute ago" said another.

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There was a magic lake

and three people went there: German, Russian and English.
The fluid in the lake turned in anything you wanted when you jumped in it.
German man was the first to try it out. When he was running, he shouted "Bier!", jumped in the lake and boom, the whole lake turned into beer.
Next up was Rus...

Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi are at a lake fishing...

when the priest announces he needs to use the bathroom. The other two watch as the priest gets out of the boat and walks on top of the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and does the same to return to the boat. About ten minutes later, the minister announces that he, too, needs to go to the ba...

Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

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A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give y...

My friend at NASA told me he was very satisfied to discover a lake on Mars.

He told me it was always a wet dream of his.

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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

There's two cats, and both have to swim across a lake.

The first cats name is One, two, three, while the second cats name is Un, deux, trois. Which cat makes it to the other side of the lake?

One, two, three makes it across because Un, deux trois, quatre, cinq.

This is by far one of the worst jokes I've ever heard and you can only underst...

Latvian man die and go to hell

Latvian man die and go to hell.

Once there, devil punish. He say: Man, go burn in lake of fire.

But man is warm. Man is happy.

So devil make lake even hotter. But man now warmer. Now he is even more happy.

Devil get angry. So freeze fire lake into ice lake. Now lake is co...

Two Irishman were fishing on a lake...

...when one of them caught a mysterious, ancient-looking bottle. Upon taking the bottle off the line, a genie popped out of it and said, "I really don't have time for this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so make it good."

The fisherman who caught the bottle imm...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

Under the water, a fish is sizing up the fly. "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could eat it," it thinks.
On the shore of the lake, a bear is eyeing the fish. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for it, and I can catch the fish while it's distracted."
On top of a nearby hi...

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un were all fishing on a lake one beautiful summer day.

Putin got hungry so he got out of the boat and walked on water to the shore and bought some sandwiches and walked on water right back and got in the boat.

Trump was amazed at what he saw and for once he was speechless.

Later Kim Jong Un was thirsty so he got out of the boat and walked ...

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As I was sitting at a lake I saw a seagull land next to me

...and I said, “don’t worry little fella, I wont say shit.”

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses tho...

I felt a toe brush against me whilst I was out swimming in the lake

I thought 'something must be afoot'

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A Tourist Walks Into A Bar

He sits down next to an old man, and the old man goes
“You see this bar? I built this bar with my own two hands. Built it out of the finest wood in the country. I gave it more love and care than my own child, but do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? No.”

The old man points out the w...

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

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Two young Irishmen are fishing in a lake,

and a bottle comes floating up next to the boat. The first Irishman picks up the bottle and a genie comes out.

"Thanks for freeing me lads, I'll grant you one wish."

The first Irishman immediately says "I wish dis whole lake was Guinness!"

"Done." said the Genie, and the entire...

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

How does Jesus turn a river into a lake?

God dam it.

Three ducks were arrested one night for being in the lake after hours.

In court the judge asked the first duck why he was in the lake after hours. The duck said," I was blowing bubbles." The judge fined him and let him go.
The second duck came in and the judge asked him what he was doing after hours. The duck said, "I was blowing bubbles." Annoyed the judge fined ...

My favorite joke

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off how many do you now have?

>!499!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!Open the door, then put the elephant inside!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

>!Open the door, take the elephant...

Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven...

Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven reminiscing about their days on Earth. Moses says, "Man we really did some cool things back in the day." Jesus, "Hey, how about we try to do some of our old tricks?" Moses says, "Alright, I'll go first." Moses stands up, staff in one hand raises his arms toge...

There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beauti...

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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. " The bear says "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to eat that guy over there."

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. " The bear says "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to eat that guy over there." The bartender says "we don't serve beers to bears at the Bear Lake Bar. "
The bear goes ov...

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

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A man walks into a bar.

The only other person at the bar is an older man. After a few moments of silence the man turns and says:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor t...

A family of bears decide to take a vacation

Papa bear takes the wheel of the car while mama bear sits besides him. Young bear sits at the back.

On their way to their destination, the car swerves off the road and lands on a lake. All three came out safe but only papa bear came out dry.

Why?

He was the driver.

I accidentally drove my lake into the car

Even if I said that correctly I'd still sound high

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What was Pamela Voorhees' main complaint about Camp Crystal Lake?

The fucking teenagers.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are on a boat in the middle of a lake...

The priest, remembering he forgot his phone on the shore, says he'll be right back. He hops overboard, and walks on water to the shore and back.

The minister, who also forgot an item on the shore, follows suit and jumps off the boat. He walks on the water there and back.

The rabbi, w...

A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.

She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.

He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a coupl...

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Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

Moses, Jesus and a guy went golfing

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf together. Moses hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Moses walks up to the water…lifts his arms, parting the lake…walks over to the ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Jesus walks up to the w...

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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?"
He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish."
Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!"
"Okay, ...

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York?

The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign

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