What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake?

A motor goat

I used to think that Lake Superior was pretty arrogant.

But if you think about it..
All the Great Lakes are completely full of themselves.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

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A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

A teenager and their brother were playing by a lake

Suddenly, the older sibling pushed the younger one into the water as a prank (don’t worry, he’s okay). The kid simply started swimming on his back, to which the teenager asked how he did it. “I’m a little buoy” said the child.

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What's at the bottom of Bass Lake?

Bassturds

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

A physics professor retires and buys a lake house.

The first thing he does is build two long wooden platforms out over the lake. Every day he goes out with a bow and some arrows and stands on one of them while shooting arrows into the lake. One day a curious neighbor goes up to him and asks "what exactly are you doing?". The physicist replies "well ...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

"God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

"Yes."

"Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

"A Christian."

"Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

"Protestant."

"Me, too! What franchise?"

"Baptist."
...

A Priest, Rabbi, and Imam are fishing on a lake

They finish the drinks in the cooler.

Rabbi: "I'll go get some more" and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back across the water.

They finish the drinks again.

Imam: "It's my turn to get more" and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back a...

Did u hear about the Mexican who drove his Audi into a lake?

Quattro Sinko...

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A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip....

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was alread...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

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Land O Lakes

Have you guys seen the new Land O Lakes butter packaging? They removed the Native American girl from their labels to be more politically correct.

Now that’s the most American thing I’ve ever seen; remove the Indian and keep the land.

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

A couple of outdoorsmen were on a lake in their kayak when they started getting cold. But when they lit a fire in their craft it immediately began to sink, proving once and for all that...

...you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Cop: "Excuse me Miss, but swimming in the lake is not permitted." Woman: "Why didn't you mention this to me when I was getting undressed?

Cop: "Well, because that is permitted."

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I was walking by the lake when suddenly a frog started speaking to me...

'hello' said they frog 'in reality I am a beautiful princess that is under a curse'

'let me guess, I have to kiss you to turn you back'

'I am afraid my curse is far more advanced, in order to break it, you have to let me give you a blowjob'

so reluctantly I agreed, and after a w...

A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...

There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.

The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable s...

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus: Hey Moses, when's the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.

Moses: It's been a while. Let's see.

And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.

Moses: What about you? Can you ...

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Are you goin to fish?

A game warden heard someone was fishing illegality so he arranged to go fishing with him. They row the boat out into a lake, the fisherman opens up his cooler, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it overboard. The game warden is shocked, he says, "Are you crazy, that's so illegal!" F...

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?

Dead

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

Have you ever been to Lake McConaughy in Nebraska?

Great place to visit, I just got back from a trip myself. I've always loved hunting, fishing, boating, just being out in nature...and it's all there for you to enjoy! There's one thing you should know before you visit though, and I found out the hard way.

Early one morning I'd taken my boat o...

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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Ole and Sven are out on the lake fishing...

They've found a pretty good spot where no one else seems to be fishing. Ole says to Sven "Say Sven. There's no one else around here. The fish are biting pretty good. You think we've found a new secret spot?" "Why, it seems that way Ole. We should mark it so we can come back later." "You're right, I'...

A priest who came to a village in Africa which was very ignorant, was trying to educate the natives.

While he preached every morning that people should do good and be kind to each other, he would try to teach English to the head of the tribe in the afternoon. One day the priest took the chief with him and started walking
Meanwhile, he was trying to increase the knowledge of the chief by saying t...

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

Old Ted was out in his boat on the lake.

He'd light a stick of dynamite and throw it out in the water, then pull in the dead fish after it went off.

The game warden pulls up in his boat along side Old Ted's and says "Ted, you know it's illegal to dynamite for fish?"

Old Ted doesn't say a word, just picks up another stick, lig...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted...

Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of a lake

-Hey, how do I get to the other side? Yelled one blonde

-You are already on the other side. The other one answered

Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin...

(Read in a Norwegian accent)

So Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin and da fish are bitin pretty good, but when Sven sets da hook, he falls overboard. Sven can't svim you see, so Ole jumps in da lake after 'im.

It's pretty dark down d'ere but Ole is feeling along the bottom and he sudd...

Roe v. Wade...

Which is the best way to cross a lake?

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The hillbillies new neighbor

So a guy from the city goes and buys himself a piece of property. He looks it over with the realtor and the realtor leaves and he's just standing there admiring the lake that's on his land and thinking about all the New freedom he has.

A hillbilly comes walking toward him and he's a little su...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

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My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

Two fish are swimming in a lake.

They run into a concrete wall that blocks their path.

One fish turns to the other and says ‘Dam’.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its bass fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour...

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

Eve is boing for the first bath in the lake.

First she dips her toes in the water and it feels great.
She gets into the water up to her knees and she feels amazing.
Then she goes even deeper to put in her thighs, it’s almost ecstatic.
Then she can’t resist no longer so she jumps right into the lake and starts swimming, when the god ap...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

There once were three cats in a swimming race across a lake...

The first cat’s name was “One Two Three.”
The second cat’s name was “Uno Dos Tres.”
The third cat’s name was “Un Deux Trois.”

The official fired his revolver and the cats began swimming across the lake!

The first cat to make it across the lake was Uno Dos Tres!

The second ...

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A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog

A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said, "Are you a vet?"

He replied, "Vet?... I'm fucking soaked...

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

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Two red necks go fishing

They row out to the middle of the lake and started to pull out fish after fish. One redneck says “We have to remember this spot! We should paint an X on the bottom of the boat so we know where it is”

“You idiot!” Says the other redneck “It’ll just wash off!”

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A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

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I chucked my phone into a very deep lake

Fucken thing's still synching.

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A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

My wife said the lake was so pretty.

I said it's just like you
She said "aw I'm pretty!"

I said "no I mean large and frigid"


I love my new couch bed.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

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Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

Did you hear Ellen Degeneres died?

They found her face down in Ricki Lake

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NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was...

What is a lake’s favorite subject?

Algaebra

A man has been out fishing by the lake...

...all day and hasn’€™t caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices a young boy fishing few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the kid has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.

“Excuse me”, the ma...

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

Sven and Oli went ice fishing.

They had fished in this lake for decades, and they knew there were no more fish in the lake, but they went because they enjoyed going and getting away from their wives. After a while, a young kid came along and cut a hole in the ice under a tree, close to the shore. Sven and Oli looked at each other...

Two boys walk late into class

Their pants were wet up to their knees.

The teacher asks, "Where have you been."

One of the boys says to the teacher, "We were throwing pebbles in the lake."

The teacher, feeling generous told the boys to sit down at their desks and tells the class there will be a new student jo...

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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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The Fish and the Fly

Just below the surface of a nearby lake, a fish watches a fly buzzing along and thinks to himself, “If that fly drops 4 inches, I’m gonna jump out of the water and eat that fly.” A bear at the edge of the woods is also watching and he thinks to himself, “If that fly drops 4” and the fish jumps out ...

I once owned an incredible painting of a tiny lake...

Until I pond it.

Right now everyone in Cleveland is taking social distancing very seriously. No one is even down by the lake.

It's Erie

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

Spring Fishing

Three guys were out fishing and drinking beer one fine early Spring morning. The lake's ice was now completely melted and the sun shone bright. As one of the guys stood to pee he lost his balance and teetered overboard. When he hadn't surfaced after a few moments one of his friends dove in to try ...

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

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Yesterday i sat on a leech in the lake.

It sucks ass.

So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.

The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Hashem help me, ...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

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The story of the fly and the cat (NSFW)

A fly is hovering six inches above a lake. What the fly doesn't know is there's a fish watching him, and the fish says "If that fly drops 6 inches I've got me a pretty good meal".

What the fish doesn't know is there's a bear watching him and that bear says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish g...

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

Why did the hipster fall into the lake ?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

My wife dosent like doggy style anymore

Because last time while fetching the ball she fell into the lake

An old man was fishing on a lake in the early morning, when a frog jumped into his boat.

The frog looked up at the old man and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

The old man kept fishing.

He caught a fish, tossed it in a bucket and cast out his line again. The frog looked up again at the old man and repeated himself a little ...

An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Johnny is playing fetch with his dog in the park, when he accidentally throws the stick onto a lake

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.

Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.

A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off hi...

Two men are fishing on a lake

Two men are fishing on a lake when they see a funeral procession passing on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head.
"That was a very decent thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 20 years after all."

When a duck farts in the lake

it’s water foul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

What it doesn’t notice is that nearby a fish is watching thinking “If that fly drops six inches in going to have myself a nice meal”.
What the fish doesn’t notice is that behind him there’s a bear watching, he’s thinking “If that fly drops six inches that fish is going to attack the fly, I’m goin...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"


The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"



They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"



Amer...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

Here's a joke I once heard in summer school

There's a plane filled with 5000 bricks. One fell out, so how many are left in the plane? >!4999!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge? >!Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge? >!Open the fridge, take the elephan...

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

There once was a man who lived in a little hut down by the lake.

Every morning he would wake up at sunrise and go down onto the docks to feed the baby ducklings.

Each day he would bring exactly 6 slices of bread down one for each baby duckling. But as summer was starting to come to an end the man thought the ducklings could use more food.

So he de...

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

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The Horny Hare and The Bear

In a forest a deer is drowning, the Hare and the Bear jump into the lake and save the deer. The deer transforms into a fairy and gives both three wishes.

The Hare, who is a womanizer, wishes that all hares in the forest are female. The Hare begins to screw its way through the forest.
...

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Land O Lakes just came out with a new product line

I was hoping for something butter, but there's only a margarinal difference

A Man walks down to the lake and sees people being baptised in the lake

He was never baptised and wanted to see what it was all about, so he asked the priest if he could be baptised and the priest said sure.

The Priest ducks the mans head underwater and says “Did you see Jesus?” “No” replied the man

He ducks the mans head under again “Did you see Jesus?” A...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

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