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Environment Jokes

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

What do you call a toxic work environment?

A staff infection

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment

Their front page is made up of fully recycled material.

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

If coal is so bad for the environment...

why don't we just burn it all?

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment?

Instant Greta-fication.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit

It is made of 97% recycled material.

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment

I did it once and killed a cyclist.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

Why do artists hate working in really cold environments?

Because all they get is exposure.

Trying to do my bit for the environment

..so I asked my work mates if they wanted me to pick them up.


Sure enough, I picked up two of the work mates in my car and off we went one morning to work.
Roadworks caused us to divert our journey. We had to take the highway.
Barry starts sweating..
I ask "What's wrong Barry!?"....

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

Two thousand years ago, childbirth was fraught with danger.

Thankfully Jesus was born ….in a stable environment.

My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment...

So I created an Al Gore-ithm.

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

What do you call a Gnome who lives in urban environments?

A Metro Gnome

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Jim, tired of bustling city life, moves to a remote town in Alaska.

He loves the natural environment, exploring and fishing, and the quiet tranquility of his new home.

However, one thing he notices, to his dismay, is that there are no women in his new town.

He goes to the local bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender about the conspicuous lack ...

My girlfriend dumped me for using straws, since they were bad for the environment.

So I guess you could say that was the last straw

I heard fossil fuels were bad...

So I burned a bunch in my backyard. Glad to be helping the environment.

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

I'm starting a not for profit that specializes in rebuilding environments for large sea mammals.

Wish me luck with Habitat for Huge Manatees.

I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment

The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down.

What do you call a Mathematical song that could save the environment?

An Al-Gore-Rhythm.

Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people.

After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes

Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

What kind of environment do hobbits live in?

A hobbitat

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Environment Friendly Joke

*What do you do with 365 used condoms?*
Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.

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Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

I am very concerned about the environment

One look and I can tell those trees are up to something.

/r/jokes is the most environment friendly sub-reddit around

With all the reusing and recycling of old jokes going around.

I'm taking a college course on the Environment and i'm dyslexic

Precipitation is 50% of the class!

My university is so concerned about the environment..

They've been recycling past papers since 87'.

Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year?

He got coal for Christmas.

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Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

A chameleon came into a new environment.

He thought to himself, 'Colour me intrigued'.

I had to leave my job at the ceramics factory when they introduced the new equestrian range.

It was turning into a horse tile work environment.

How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin?

When around both, one eventually stops moving.

Forgive me.

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A young married woman and an older married woman sitting together on a train from Boston to New York.

As sometimes happens with strangers in such an environment, they began to discuss highly personal matters.

As they were passing through Hartford, the younger woman spoke up thoughtfully, “Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasms?”

“No,” replied the older lady, “I think we h...

What's the difference between an IRS agent and Styrofoam?

The IRS agent doesn't hurt the the environment when you light him on fire.

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...

his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".

It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

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A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:

\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.

Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.

"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"

"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:

Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?

What does your mum and Jupiter have in common

They both take care of the most amount of offspring within their group, while having to deal with a harsh and unstable environment



...



And they weigh over 20 quadrillion tons

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

A man buys a centipede from a pet store

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anythi...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

Mars rover

After an almost succesful retrieval of the Mars rover, upon re-entry, the rover overheated and exploded. Debrus landed in an urban environment. There was one casualty.

Curiosity killed the cat

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

A police officer pulls a man over who was driving erratically.

The officer walks up to the man's window and asks him.

"Sir, you are all over the road! I need you to blow into this breathalyzer to determine if you have been drinking."

The driver of the car shakes his head vehemently and says to the officer.

"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I...

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.

He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"

The doctor said, "You must provide a str...

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me.

He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

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I called my friend yesterday

I called my friend yesterday night at 10.30 pm on phone, he said he was very busy, working on a special Project "Aqua Thermal treatment of Ceramics, Aluminium and Steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed.

Later I realized - fucker is washing dishes , under the supervisi...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

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Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes ...

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I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from!

It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.

When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends

"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

Wind Turbines

We all know wind turbines are good for the environment, but what if we designed a bine that could be used all four seasons?

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

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