I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Why is smoking good for the environment?

Because it kills humans

Why is r/jokes the most environment-friendly sub?

Because we recycle 100%

Why do vegans believe that their diet is the best for the environment? They won't geht on my level.

Cannibalism.

My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment.

I tried it once, and nearly killed some bloke on a bike.

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

I'm taking a college course on the Environment and i'm dyslexic

Precipitation is 50% of the class!

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

If coal is so bad for the environment,

why don’t we just burn it all

Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

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Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

What do you call a learning environment that specialises in teaching nuts?

m**acadamia**

Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people.

After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes

Why do artists hate working in really cold environments?

Because all they get is exposure.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

What do you call a Mathematical song that could save the environment?

An Al-Gore-Rhythm.

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine...

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washin...

Why is the horse so happy?

Because he lives in a stable environment.

I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment

The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down.

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

Trying to do my bit for the environment

..so I asked my work mates if they wanted me to pick them up.


Sure enough, I picked up two of the work mates in my car and off we went one morning to work.
Roadworks caused us to divert our journey. We had to take the highway.
Barry starts sweating..
I ask "What's wrong Barry!?"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

I have an unstable internal environment

No homeo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

My university is so concerned about the environment..

They've been recycling past papers since 87'.

My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment...

So I created an Al Gore-ithm.

What do you call a toxic work environment?

A staff infection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

What do the undead do to help the environment?

They go gangrene.

Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...

his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".

A chameleon came into a new environment.

He thought to himself, 'Colour me intrigued'.

How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin?

When around both, one eventually stops moving.

Forgive me.

What kind of environment do hobbits live in?

A hobbitat

[OC] Al Gore decides to write a series of educational songs about the environment.

He presents the head of the production company with the lyrics for his songs, including the lyrics for one song about animals in forest habitats, which has over 500 lines.

The head of the production company says, "wait, this song is way too long! This isn't a very efficient way of conveying y...

Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year?

He got coal for Christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women are talking

The first one says "I will always vaccinate my children so they won't get diseases." The second one says "I will never vaccinate my children, it could be harmful to them" then the first lady yells " Are you fucking delusional" the second lady answers with "that's why I take them to the doctor where ...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

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I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from!

It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

Nut jokes

What kind of nut has hayfever?

A CashOO!



What do you call a nut that you've annoyed?

Pistacho



What do you call a nut that's looking at you out of the corner of its eye?

Pecan



What do you call a learning environment that teaches nuts?<...

I saw a homeless man picking unfinished cigarettes up off the floor.

It's good that he's doing his bit for the environment.

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.

He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"

The doctor said, "You must provide a str...

What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common?

They prefer liquid environments.

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes ...

What is an engineer's first job out of highschool?

Aquathermic treatment of ceramics aluminum and steel in a controlled environment.

Or to put it in lamer's terms: washing dishes while his boss is watching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

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The Telling Tale of Oliver Tin

When he was young, Oliver Tin knew nothing about what he wanted to do, except that he wanted to do everything.

At the age of 5, he had already mastered reading, and had grown bored of all the literature he could find, fiction or not. Oliver Tin took this boredom as an obligation to produce wo...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

A friend calls his engineer friend

A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engi...

India sends a cat to Mars

In a few years India will send a cat to Mars to check out if it is possible to survive in that environment.

After some adaptation the cat starts roaming around on Mars.

All is well until one fine day suddenly the cat is mashed under a vehicle of sorts.

Everyone is wondering w...

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It's a very PC work environment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suspects that his wife is cheating on him.

One day, he arrives home early from work, hoping to catch her in the act. He makes his way up to their 20th story apartment, and throws the door open with such force that the whole apartment shakes, and hears a gasp from his wife.

"Ah-ha!" He says, as he bolts into their bedroom, only to fin...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

A man buys a centipede from a pet store

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anythi...

A police officer pulls a man over who was driving erratically.

The officer walks up to the man's window and asks him.

"Sir, you are all over the road! I need you to blow into this breathalyzer to determine if you have been drinking."

The driver of the car shakes his head vehemently and says to the officer.

"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate to get into political correctness with y'all, but this just really burns me up.

This a sad example of the witch hunt that's been going on because of the flood of all these sexual abuse allegations. I have a customer that after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in his profe...

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

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One in four men switches the light off during sex.

Ugly women are saving the environment.

There was this guy who asked me, "how do I open this jar?!"

"Install the latest version of the Java Runtime Environment", I said. Silly guy, now he's all confused. People these days... SMH.

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

A thought about Del Toro’s “The Shape of Water”

“The Shape of Water” is a story about a woman who falls in love with an otherworldly creature that learns how to communicate, has a funny scene where he interacts with a domestic setting and has magical healing hands. He is also returned to his natural environment, almost dying on the way by a pluck...

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets,...

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment

What's the difference between a Canadian oil mogul and an American one?

The Canadian will apologize for destroying the environment.

Three nurses went to heaven.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter...

Two Men Go Camping

After a day of roughing it in the woods, they go to sleep in their tent. Later in the night one wakes the other.

"Look up, and tell me what you see."

"I see a starry sky."

"What does that tell you?"

"That there are millions of stars, and there are planets revolving around...

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