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Fungus Jokes

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What do you call the fungus that grows on sex toys?

Dildew.

What’s a fungus’ favorite cookie?

SPOREOS

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If a fungus was being mean

would you call it a shit-talky mushroom?

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

Did you know that a fungus is responsible for rodents' high pitched noises ?

It's called mice-helium.

Want to know how someone with foot fungus feels?

Just step into their shoes.

A female fungus asked a male fungus to a date...

He replied, “I always knew I was a fungi.”

How much room do you need to grow fungus?

As mushroom as possible.

You know, I used to hate my foot fungus...

But it’s slowly growing on me

At first I didn't really care for this toenail fungus...

...but it's really starting to grow on me!

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

Have you met the charismatic fungus on my feet?

He really grows on you.

Why wasn’t the fungus invited on the road trip?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.

Please don’t blame my seven year old for this, it was written by an adult.

What did the fungus say to the tree?

I think I've taken a lichen to ya.

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

I would make a fungi fun-guy joke...

...but those are overused. Too bad there isn't mushroom for other fungus jokes.

Who was the leader of the Mushroom army?

Fungus Khan!!!

While practicing writing with my kids, we wanted to write the word FUNGUS, but ended up writing FUNGI instead...

There wasn't Mushroom on the page.

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Theee doctors are discussing their careers...

The dentist says, “I’ve worked on some of the nastiest mouths in my career, some people who didn’t brush their teeth for years, so disgusting it made me feel sick working on them.”

The podiatrist chimes in, “You think that’s bad? I’ve worked on people who never took care of their feet and ha...

A man goes to his doctor...

A man goes to his doctor because he's feeling sick and tired and generally rundown. Doctor orders some tests and tells him to come back first thing in the morning.

The next morning, the doctor looks grave.

"Sir, I regret to have to tell you you have psoriasis, multiple sclerosis, toe...

A gem of a story from my grandfather.

My grandmother needed athlete’s foot cream so they went to a pharmacy to find some. The pharmacist didn’t speak a word of English and after about 5 minutes of trying to explain what my grandmother needed my grandfather gave up and walked out. 2 minutes later my grandmother walked out with the anti f...

Three hikers are in the woods...

...and they come across a rock with some strange life form growing on it.

The first hiker exclaims: "Wow, look at this amazing fungus!"

The second hiker replies: "Nah, that looks more like moss to me."

Says the third: "Well, I know what I'd lichen it to."

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

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