Wildlife facts

A wildlife biologist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you know that bats actually aren't blind?" he asks the bartender. "Well that makes sense," the bartender agrees. "That must be why they are so good at hitting baseballs."

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I recently found out my GPS can point out potential wildlife threats

It always tells me "bear left"

What do you call a fascist Canadian wildlife?

Moose-olini

I came up with this in like 15 seconds

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

Tonight I made salmon for supper

As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

Wheres the best place to find facts about african wildlife?

Safari...

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

A man was walking naked in a wildlife park.

All the animals began to run away.
A lion ran past a deer who had no idea what what was going on.

Completely confused, the deer asked: "Why the heck are we even running?"

The lion replied: "Are you kidding me? Haven't you seen that strange animal with the tail in front?"

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I went to a wildlife park and all they had was one small Chinese dog

They said it was a shit zoo, so you have to admire their honesty, really.

Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?

He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...

What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?

Polaroids.

^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful.

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Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

Grandpa's Scariest day

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his grandchildren, when one of them asks him about the time he was most scared in his life.

"Well Timmy, it'll have to be back in 1943 when I was on Safari in Africa"

"What happenned Gramps?"

"Well, I was with my best friend John on...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

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The song "Earth" by Lil Dicky features musical cameos from dozens of popular singers.

The song was released around Earth Day and promotes the idea that everyone should work together to be green and eco-friendly and save the planet.

Many famous singers had cameos in the song as different animals or other forms of wildlife. Perhaps the most notable cameo was the singer that sang...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

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My Dad's bear story.

A long time ago, my Dad worked on the Canadian Geographic Survey, which took him into the Rocky Mountains.

He told me this story about it.

Dad: I was working with my coworker all day, and then we returned to camp and started cooking dinner. The smell must have carried on the wind, an...

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I realize i have an irrational fear of rats.

I didn't realize there would be so much wildlife in this city.One late night I was walking past this huge pile of garbage.Inside one of the trash bags there was a lot of movement.Really aggressive.It was starting to scare the shit out of me.My only thought was,"Oh God,I hope it's a baby.Please,plea...

In Driver's Ed we drove past a sign that said "Wildlife Crossing"

My instructor said, "That must be for them colored students."

My grandpa has a house on the edge of the woods

He's living on his own and, based on our last couple of conversations I suspect he is getting dementia. Wanting to spend some time with him before it gets worse, I decide to visit him over the summer.

The woods next to his house are barren but he insists there is wildlife. We went for a walk ...

An American, a South-African and a Korean are on a plane.

After a malfunction in one of the motors, the plane is forced to make an emergency landing. The plane crashes into the ocean, a few hundred metres from a remote island. Only the American, the South-African and the Korean survives.

All three swim to the island, and it quickly becomes clear tha...

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The Duck Hunter

Duck hunting season had just opened and Fred traveled to Canada for his yearly hunting trip. On his first day out on the lake he was pretty successful and bagged 3 beautiful water fowls.

On his way back to his cabin for lunch he is stopped by the Game Ranger on his boat. The ranger takes a p...

Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners?

The white guy might actually be guilty.

(Stolen from a comment by /u/CanadianWildlifeDept)

A married couple goes on safari....

A married couple goes on safari in Africa. Upon their arrival, they're greeted by a guide who shows them around as they explore the landscape and catch glimpses of the wildlife.

In the distance, however, there is a constant tribal drumming that continues day and night, without stop. It go...

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

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Beware of bears

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

Modern Bible Stories: American Noah's Ark

…..And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a...

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Explorer in the jungle (NSFW language)

One day an explorer was deep in the jungle where headhunters were known to be more a danger than the abundant wildlife. He happened to be thinking about what to do if he encountered them when, as luck would have it, he came to a clearing where a tribe of about 70 of them were as surprised as he was...

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Two guys in a jungle

Warning: This is a long and very disgusting joke. And english is my second language, please forgive any mistakes.

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Two guys are walking through a jungle. They were both part of an expedition of scientists trying to study wildlife there, but their camp got attacked by natives some nig...

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Mouse and Lion are sitting at the bar...

...checking out the wildlife. Lion says, "Check out Gazelle! I'd love the chase that."

Mouse replies, "Hmm... not sure how that would work out for her... but Giraffe, now she is FINE."

Lion almost falls off his stool laughing! "Giraffe?!? Uh... I'm not sure you're really up for th...

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