The 110+ Best Frog Jokes

A frog went for a DNA test...

The results came back 99.9% amphibian and a tad Polish.

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

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An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...

"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't thi...

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog sa...

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"

Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her an...

A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basic...

What sound does a mechanical frog make?

Rrrrrobot

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What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

A frog goes into a bank (long)

A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, “my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like to take out a loan.” The teller says, “nice to meet you, I’m Patti, but I have to tell you, we don’t loan money to frogs.” Kermit says, “no it’s ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I kn...

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

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So a frog walks into a bank.

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes to the front desk. He looks at the person at the front desk’s name tag, its says “Mrs. Patty Whack”

“Can I help you” she says.

“Yes I would like a loan” said the frog.

“A loan? What does a frog need a loan for “

“I would like to...

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

Frog DNA...

A frog got his DNA test back.
He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole.

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Sex frog

[Long]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly l...

A Jewish gentleman walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, where'd ya find that?"

The frog replies, "Brooklyn, there's thousands of em".

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"W...

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is **YOUR** name?"

"My name is Pat...

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

Ribbed.

my pet frog died today

Rip it

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Jake, my pussy-eating frog

A guy walks into a bar holding a frog and when he sits down next to a hot blonde, he sets the frog on the bar. She turns to him and asks, "What the hell is that frog?"

"That's Jake, my pussy-eating frog."

The blonde looks at the frog, shakes her head and goes back to her drink. An hou...

The Frog

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and ...

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad.

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

A frog walks into a bank

A frog wearing a business suit walks into a bank and goes to stand in line to wait for a teller.

When it is his turn, he approaches the bank teller, whose name is Patricia Whack (don't laugh), and says "Hello, Miss, my name is Kermit Jagger, and I would like to take out a loan."

Miss W...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.

“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”

“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”

“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for th...

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The ugly frog

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.
Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.
Princess:
\- "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog:
\- "I know, I know, I got a rea...

Good News! I've just become the leap frog world record holder

On the downside I'm now banned from ever entering any mosque again!

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Frog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks...

Why are frogs so happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them.

Where does Mr Frog go when he gets really ill?

The hopital.

What happens when a frog’s car dies?

He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

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A guy walks into a bar with a frog...

...and sits down to order a drink, setting his frog (in its cage) on the bar. A few seats away from him sits a beautiful, young woman. They're the only two at the bar, so after awhile, with curiosity eating away at her, she asks,

"So what's with the frog?"

The guy responds, "Well, he's...

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

Experimenting on a frog

----Experiment log #1938----

Removed the front legs of a frog and asked it to jump. The frog jumped.

Conclusion: when you remove the front legs of a frog, it can still jump.

___________________________________________

Removed the back legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

I found a talking frog outside.

He speaks english, spanish, and french. I introduced my friends to the frog and they seem to really like him. Now, the whole neighborhood is knocking at my door wanting to talk to the frog.

I don’t get it, his conversations aren’t that ribbet-ing.

what is a frog's favourite fastener?

Rivet

Where did Kermit the Frog kiss Miss Piggy?

Under the mistletoad

I know what happened to that crazy frog!

Fame went to it's head. It went so crazy It had to be Kermitted.

Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See a...

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

Three Frogs

Three frogs exploring the forest decide to find a place to sleep since it was becoming late. One of the frogs spots a house in the distance so the three head towards it. Once at the house, they find an open window and enter inside finding themselves in the bathroom. Looking for a place to sleep, the...

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A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very spec...

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When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller

he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."

"That's great!" says the excited frog.

"When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

A frog applies for a construction job.

The engineer asks, "What can you do?"
"Rivet."

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day...

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

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Two frogs are about to have sex ...

The female frog says "I think we should use a condom." The male frog replies "No problem, there is a convenience store a couple of houses down the road. I'll go buy some. Any preferences?" She replies "Ribb it"!

What kind of car do frogs drive?

Hop rods!

Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.

"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.

Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...

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What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

The frog goes ribbit ribbit
The toad goes rub it rub it

Why did the frog complain to the manager at a restaurant?

There wasn't a fly in his soup

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Is that a frog in your pocket …?

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.

‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’
...

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

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A lady walks into a bar…

She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up o...

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A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

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Mr. Bear, Mr. Rabbit and the Golden Frog.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. H...

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

A man asked a frog how to open a bag of chips

The frog said, “rip it”.

How was the robot frog held together?

Rivets.

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

What happens when a frog gets a flat tire?

He gets toad.

Noise Like a Frog

A little boy runs up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Make a noise like a frog!".

"Make a noise like a frog?", he asks, "Why do you want me to do that?"

"Because I heard mom say, 'When my father croaks we're all going to Hawaii!'".

How Did The Frog Sell A Million Books?

Because his story was so ribbiting!

A man goes to visit a frog in the woods

The man knows the frog loves reading, so he brings him a variety of literature. He finds the frog hanging out by a pond and presents him with classics, comedy, and nonfiction, but the frog shakes his head at each book one by one.

Finally the man, exasperated, says, "I don't understand! You...

Have you seen the ballet Frog Lake?

It's toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

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A frog walked into a bank for a loan.

He took a number and when it was his turn walked up to the available teller. Noticing her name placard said Patricia Wack, he said “Hello Patricia, I demand a 10 thousand dollar loan for a new business venture.” Astonished at the circumstances she found herself in, the teller told the frog she would...

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

what does a jamaican frog sound like?

reggae

A frog did one of those ancestry tests.

She found out she was a little English, a little French and a tad Pole.

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

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Why do Frogs make for good sex toys?

They’re ribbited for your pleasure.

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

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What do you get when you cross a frog, a duck and a rhinoceros?

......Fuckifino

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A frog walks into a bank...

And is greeted by Patricia Wack, the bank teller. He hops onto the counter, and asks to open a line of credit with their bank, requesting 150 thousand dollars.

Taken aback, Ms. Wack says "Well....uh...do you have collateral?" and very slowly and calmly, the frog pulls out a small porcelain p...

Did you know that all frogs decended from a small colony in Poland?

even now they are all born a tad-polish

how do frogs share a piece of paper?

They rippit

What’s a frog’s favorite drug?

Croak-aine

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.

"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

Why don't frogs wear clothes?

Because they'll rip it.

What is the difference between my Mother and a frog?

None, they both croaked.

A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form....

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

3 frogs get arrested

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was...

What is a frogs favourite website?

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.

Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

What is Kermit the Frog's grandmother's name?

Betty Croaker

A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"

He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...

What did the frog say to the stoner holding the bong for too long?

Rrrrrrrrrip it

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

If Kermit The Frog converted to Islam, would that make Miss Piggy...

Haram bae?

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The Licking Frog

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a frog. The man working was very attracted to this woman and instantly went over to help. He ask, What are you looking for? A nice friendly frog! She said. He replied, We have these pussy licking frogs! She instantly bought one. He told her, Take it home an...

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