Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

I just purchased some sandals for my frog.

They're open toad....

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

A frog goes Into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Patricia Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a 25-inch long penis asks the God to help him.

Man: I can’t live with such a long penis.
God: Go to a lake, you will find a female frog. Ask her to marry you, she’ll say ‘No’ and you will lose five inches.

He went and asked the frog: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches.

He thought 20 inch is still long, so he a...

How do frogs kill themselves?

They Kermit Suicide

3 frogs get arrested

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was...

Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in?

He was kermitting sewercide.

A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.

“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.

The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story building

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

Why is the frog’s love life struggling?

He‘s afraid of kermittment.

What were the dying frog’s last words?

Who knows? He croaked before he could say them.

The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine ...

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**

Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

One day an engineer was crossing a road when

a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do frogs say when they’re masturbating?

Rub it. Rub it. Rub it.

What’s a frog’s favourite website?

REDDIT.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

So this 75 old fella is walking along and this frog shouts up from the gutter...

So this 75 old fella is walking along and this frog shouts up from the gutter "Hey, I'm actually a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I'll change back and you can make love to me all day every day forever". So the old fella picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. She shouts. "Hey, didn't you...

Happy frogs

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat what ever bugs them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are frog dicks the best?

They ribbit for your pleasure.

A frog walked into a bank

..and sat down at the desk of a loan officer. She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.

"I'm looking to take out a personal loan of $5000," the frog said.

The loan officer stared at him skeptically. "Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"...

Yesterday, i saw a frog without legs

that's hopless

What do you call a frog parked illegally?

Toad

What type of explosives do frogs use?

FROGmentation grenades.

A frog enters a bank...

...and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.

''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets...

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him. He goes straight up to the pimp and says: "I need a girl for an hour.".

"Haha! You've got to be joking boy, you're just a kid!" replies the pimp.

Boy throws a pack of money onto the table.

Pimp: "Well, ...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.

​

"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"

​

Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulo...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.

So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.

So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped

So he cut off the final le...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frog

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of t...

What do you call four famished frogs fighting for five frightened flies?

A *Tongue Twister*

~~Edit: How to change tags? Did not tag when posting this; why is it automatically tagged 'Religion'?~~

Edit 2: Thank you u/ElderCunningham for fixing the tag for me. Thank you u/mountorange and u/vphov1 for getting in before that change and letting me know about the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

What did Kermit the frog say after Jim Henson died?

-Nothing-

Kermit the Frog has been really rude ever since Jim Henson’s death.

He doesn’t talk to anyone.

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan...

The frog goes up to the teller and says ‘hey, could I get a loan please?’ The teller, Ms. Patricia Wack, looks at the frog and decides he doesn’t look to reliable. ‘Sure,’ says ms. Wack, ‘but you will need to provide collateral, what can you offer to ensure we are making a safe investment?’ The frog...

What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done?

One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Stupid frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whisper...

A lot of people aren't aware that one of the biggest condom-engineering breakthroughs actually came from a frog.

It was his idea to rib it.

Where do frogs keep their money?

In a river bank.

What is a frogs favorite social media platform?

RRREDDIT, RRREDDIT, RRREDDIT.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats the difference between a frog and horny toad?

A frog goes ‘ribbit ribbit’
a horny toad goes ‘ rub it rub it’

why are frogs bad at parking?

They always get toad

A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed t...

What do you call a frog from mixed ethnicity?

A Tad-polish

(Don't know if repost not trying to be)

What happened to the frog who parked his car on the yellow lines?

It got toad

Kermit the frog wanted to divorce Ms. Piggy

Due to him converting to Islam, he couldn't eat pork.

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like ...

Why are frogs good baseball players?

Because they're good at catching flies!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and sa...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.

“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”

“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”

“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for th...

Can someone explain this joke to me?



Shutterstock

A Man Walks Into a Bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."
The man reaches...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."

She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"

"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."

"You're Kermit the frog?"

"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He...

School project: how far can a frog leap

For a science project a student wanted to see how far a frog can leap when you yell at it.

He puts a frog in front of him and yells. The frog leaps 2 meters. He writes this down in his booklet: Frog leaps 2 meters.

He cuts off one of the legs of the frog, puts him in front of him and y...

What happens when a frog parks his car in a no-parking zone?

It gets toad away.

Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor.

His lectures are ribbiting.

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

A talking frog walks into a bank

and sees his favourite teller lady, patty mack, as he approaches the counter.
"I need a loan" he says, as the woman is wondering how on earth this frog is talking to her.
"How are you talking to me" she asks in disbelief.
The frog replies, "im the lovechild of kermit the frog and Mic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?" He replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200.
To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says, "But shes got to have Herpes ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

A Soviet scientist is experimenting on a frog.

A few years after the end of WWII, a Soviet scientist is doing some experimentation on a frog. He had previously taught it to jump, if he hears the word "jump".

​

The scientist says "jump!" to the frog, who jumps. Then the scientist cuts of one leg, then he says jump again,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who had a 25 inch long penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothin...

What does a joke and a frog have in common?

When you dissect them, they die.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you’re going to have sex with a frog, use a condom.

If you want the frog to enjoy it...

Ribbit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

A frog goes to get a bank loan.

He hops up on the desk of Patricia Whack, one of the bank employees, and says, “I want to borrow $500,000.”

Patricia says, “Well that’s a lot!”

Frog says, “It’s okay, my dad’s Mick Jagger.”

“That’s nice,” Patricia answers, “but if you want to borrow that much, the bank needs som...

A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cra...

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head ??

Lilly !!!!

Explaining comedy is like dissecting a frog.

F*cking gross.

A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder...

The bartender asks, “Hey buddy, where did you get that?”
The frog responds, “Brooklyn, they’re all over the place!”

Make a noise like a frog

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road...

The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.

Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".

Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".

Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves do...

The Frog

I am usually a good golf player but I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of t...

A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.

In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.

The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day...

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

Once upon a time, a frog told a princess that if she kissed him he'd become a handsome prince.

Turns out, he was just full of flies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy with a dead frog on a leash goes into a brothel

At the reception he asks the madam:

"I'd like to have sex with a woman who has a sexually transmitted disease."

"While we do have a girl with an STD you are still a minor."

"I can pay extra."

After thinking about it the madam decides to let him have sex with her girl on o...

Why do frogs live such short lives?

Because they keep croaking.

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife needs a birthday present for her husband and only the pet store is open...

She went into the pet store, and said she wanted something for her husband.
Store clerk says "get him this frog", and shows her a pretty average looking frog
-how much is it?
-$300
- pretty steep for a common frog, isn't it?
-oh, this is not a common frog... see, it gives blo...

Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?

All it can say is "rabbit".