UPJOKE
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A frog went for a DNA test...

The results came back 99.9% amphibian and a tad Polish.

A frog walks into a bank

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti stares at the talking frog in disbelief but recovers herself quickly and asks him how much he wants to bo...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

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What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

The frog goes ribbit ribbit
The toad goes rub it rub it

my pet frog died today

Rip it

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When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller

he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."

"That's great!" says the excited frog.

"When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Three Frogs

Three frogs exploring the forest decide to find a place to sleep since it was becoming late. One of the frogs spots a house in the distance so the three head towards it. Once at the house, they find an open window and enter inside finding themselves in the bathroom. Looking for a place to sleep, the...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Why did the frog complain to the manager at a restaurant?

There wasn't a fly in his soup

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Mr. Bear, Mr. Rabbit and the Golden Frog.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. H...

What did the boy frog say to the girl frog?

Rubbit.

How was the robot frog held together?

Rivets.

A man asked a frog how to open a bag of chips

The frog said, “rip it”.

What sound does a brass frog make?

Rivet

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

What happens when a frog’s car dies?

He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad...

What a frog's favorite fastener?

Rivet

Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See a...

Frog DNA...

A frog got his DNA test back.
He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole.

How Did The Frog Sell A Million Books?

Because his story was so ribbiting!

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

Did you know that all frogs decended from a small colony in Poland?

even now they are all born a tad-polish

What do you call a stoner frog?

Rippit Rippit

Have you seen the ballet Frog Lake?

It's toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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Is that a frog in your pocket …?

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.

‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’
...

Why don't frogs wear clothes?

Because they'll rip it.

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

Scientists have just discovered evidence of cavemen using frogs as condoms

Ribbit for her pleasure

What happens when a frog gets a flat tire?

He gets toad.

Noise Like a Frog

A little boy runs up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Make a noise like a frog!".

"Make a noise like a frog?", he asks, "Why do you want me to do that?"

"Because I heard mom say, 'When my father croaks we're all going to Hawaii!'".

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

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Why do Frogs make for good sex toys?

They’re ribbited for your pleasure.

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A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

how do frogs share a piece of paper?

They rippit

What is a frogs favourite website?

Reddit

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

what does a jamaican frog sound like?

reggae

What is Kermit the Frog's grandmother's name?

Betty Croaker

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

Open toad.

What’s a perverted frog say?

Rub it rub it rub it!

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

a man walks into a bar....

a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.

the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"

the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".

the barman says "ok, ...

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Shitty jokes galore!

**What does a frog do when you step on it?**

**It croaks.**

...

All right, folks, now it's YOUR TURN!

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The fr...

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A frog walks into a bank...

And is greeted by Patricia Wack, the bank teller. He hops onto the counter, and asks to open a line of credit with their bank, requesting 150 thousand dollars.

Taken aback, Ms. Wack says "Well....uh...do you have collateral?" and very slowly and calmly, the frog pulls out a small porcelain p...

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A frog walked into a bank for a loan.

He took a number and when it was his turn walked up to the available teller. Noticing her name placard said Patricia Wack, he said “Hello Patricia, I demand a 10 thousand dollar loan for a new business venture.” Astonished at the circumstances she found herself in, the teller told the frog she would...

What long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the Frog's fingers.

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

What did the frog say to the stoner holding the bong for too long?

Rrrrrrrrrip it

Don't ever bother taking a frog to a library...

Don't ever bother taking a frog to a library...
Every book i gave him all I got was
REDDIT

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

What do you get when you cross a frog with a pig?

A hamphibian.

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"


He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat what ever bugs them

Boy talking to Grandpa.

Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?

Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?

Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak..

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

What’s a frog’s favorite food?

Lillypad thai

A women is out golfing (the magic frog)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but...

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Pervert Bear and Genious rabbit

A bear hunts a rabbit in the forest. After several hours of running, they arrive in a clearing with a large rock in the center, and on top of this rock stands a golden frog. Surprised, they approach and the frog starts talking to them:
" For having found me, I grant you 3 wishes each."
The b...

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

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A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

What does a frog on the International Space Station say?

"Orbit, orbit."

If Kermit The Frog converted to Islam, would that make Miss Piggy...

Haram bae?

A frog did one of those ancestry tests.

She found out she was a little English, a little French and a tad Pole.

What did one frog say to the other?

Time is fun when you're having flies!

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

She had a frog in her throat!

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An eagle is flying over the Grand Canyon when it spies a frog by a stream.

The eagle swoops down and swallows the frog whole, flying off with a full stomach. Somehow the frog makes it through the eagle's digestive tract and pokes his head out of the eagle's asshole.

The frog takes a look around and yells back at the eagle: "Hey eagle. About how high up are we?
<...

What does the frog blacksmith say?

Rivet.Rivet.Rivet.
Came to me when I was a blacksmith. Not sure if someone else already thought of it.

The Princess and the Frog

One day a Princess was walking in her private garden when she spotted a large frog sitting by the side of the pond, staring at her intensely. Having heard all the magical fairy stories, she approached the frog and asked: "Oh magical frog! Is it true that you will turn into a handsome prince if I kis...

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog growing out of his head. "My god!" Says the doctor "How did that happen?"

"It all started with a pimple on my bum." replies the frog.

What’s red and green and goes 60 mph?

A frog in a blender.

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The Bear, the Rabbit, & The Magical Golden Frog

A bear & a rabbit were walking through the forest when they happened upon a magical golden frog, sitting alone by a pond. The magical golden frog was such a rare find, that anyone who found him would be granted three wishes.

“Well, since you both managed to find me at the same time, I’ll...

I watched a documentary about frogs last night

>!It was ribbeting!<

What do frogs order at a restaurant?

French flies.

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A Frog Walks Into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank, and sees the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, “Hi Miss Whack, I’d like a loan of $50,000 for a vacation. You see, my name is Kermit Jagger, and my dad is Mick Jagger.” Surprised at the situation, Patricia replies, “Uh, well sir, I’m going to need some sort of...

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The Licking Frog

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a frog. The man working was very attracted to this woman and instantly went over to help. He ask, What are you looking for? A nice friendly frog! She said. He replied, We have these pussy licking frogs! She instantly bought one. He told her, Take it home an...

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One day 3 frogs were out on the piss

One drink turned into five which turned into too many, and the next thing you know the 3 frogs are messing about in a public fountain. The police are called and they’re arrested.

Down at the police station, the frogs are taken in one by one for questioning. The first frog is called into the r...

My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.

I jumped at the opportunity.

What do you call a frog that fills cavities?

Dentist Hopper.

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A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. The frog hops up on the counter and the lady at the counter introduces herself.

Mrs. Wack “Hello my names Mrs. wack what do you want today?”

Frog “ I want a loan”

Mrs. Wack “I don’t know if you can get a loan. You’re a frog. What’s your name?”

Frog “Kermit”

Mrs. Wack “You’re not Kermit the frog.”

Kermit “ No No No, I was named after him. My na...

So there’s this frog.

He just got married, and he and his wife are looking to buy a house. The only problem is, he doesn't have any money in the bank :(

He and his wife realize that their only choice is to try to apply for a pretty big loan. The frog heads to the local bank, and meets with the loan officer - a lov...

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

What’s a Canadian frogs favorite game to play?

Croak-“Eh”

What does a baby frog sleep in?

A cribbet. (My 6 yr old told me that one)

What did the frog order at McDonald’s?

The McRibbit.

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A hippo comes to the doctor with a frog on his head.

Doctor: what can I help you with?
The frog replies: Doctor, something is on my butt.

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

Why should you never give a frog a piece of paper?

They'll always just rip it, rip it

what do you call a mean frog?

un hoppy

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like ...

A boy and his class visit a zoo

At the zoo, a frog expert explains how to tell the difference between male frogs and female frogs. "The male frogs only eat female flies, while the female frogs only eat male flies."

The boy asks "How do you tell the difference between male flies and female flies?"

The frog expert look...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

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A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very spec...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan, and goes up to the teller and sees her little name tag, wich reads "Patricia wack" then the frog says "my name's Kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, and I'm looking for a loan of $30,000"

And the teller says "Wow, that's a lot, do you have anyth...

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