This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

What do you call a lizard with 5 legs?

A reptile dysfunction

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s goin...

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

What do you call a lizard that upvotes every post he sees?

A Karma Chameleon

What do you call a lizard that works as a detective?

An investi-gator.

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ...

What do you call a slow and boring lizard?


I bought a lizard, but after a week it stopped moving.

I took it to the vet, and I was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A koala bear and a lizard are sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

The koala bear eats a lot of eucalyptus and is a little bit bigger so his tolerance is pretty good. The lizard however is a lightweight and loses his shit very quickly. He says to the koala bear “I’m gonna need a drink of water.” So he walks down the branch and takes a drink out of the river. All of...

What do you call a lizard that hates fortnite youtubers?

An Ali-hater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lizard and the koala.

A lizard is wandering through the Australian outback one afternoon when he spots a Koala sitting in a tree.

"OI!" he calls out to the Koala, "What are you doin' up there?"

The koala looks down at the lizard, "Oh hey bro, I was just about to smoke a spliff. You can join me if you want."...

It didn’t take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

A lizard who just cant get it up walks into the doctors office

The lizard asks the doctor what the problem might be.

The doc answers back, seems to me like you might have Ereptile Dysfunction.

A lizard in the jungle is trying to get high...

So he walks around looking for some pot. Suddenly he catches a whiff of some dank. So he follows the smell to a tree where he sees a monkey getting stoned.

He shouts "Hey monkey, you mind if I smoke some of your weed with you?"

Monkey says "sure come on up lizard I'll smoke you out"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.


A guy walks into a bar with a little lizard on his shoulder.

The bartender says "What's with the little lizard?" And the guy says "It's my newt."

If there were a lizard school, which students would be the one keeping order?

The monitors.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?



This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"

A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey sitting on a tree is talking with a lizard

After a while the lizard says: “I’m kinda thirsty I’ll just go to the river and drink a bit I’ll be back”

He goes and ten minutes later a crocodile appears.

The monkey yells out: “Holy shit dude how much water did you drink?!”

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What stops lizards from having sex?

Ereptile dysfunction

I once met a lizard who was a door-to-door pottery salesman

He could really rep tile

One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree...

...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself.

He yells up, "Hey, you got any more of that?"

The monkey says, "Sure man, come on up!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, ...

What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday?


What did the therapist tell the lizard family that was fighting?

They have ereptile dysfunction.

Where do lizards get their new tails?

At the re-tail store

There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back.

I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.


I saw a lizard

and it became a spotted lizard

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest

He looked up in the tree and saw a koala bear smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala bear. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, so he scurries down the tree and over to the pond whe...

I know this great joke about flying lizards...

But it tends to drag on!

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

I'd tell you a joke about a fiery green lizard

But it would drag-on

I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.

After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

My mum asked me if I had taken my lizard for a walk...

... I told her I was goanna do it later.

Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard

He's going to get a calmer chameleon.

A monkey sits in a tree when a lizard asks..

..."what are you doing?". "I'm rolling a joint" answered the monkey. "Wanna join?"

The lizard joins but after a while the lizard says "I have a strange feeling in my throat.. Imma go down to the river for some water."

On way to the river the lizard feels he smoked a little too much. A...

The Lizard & The Monkey

One day, A lizard was walking down a path in the woods when he smelled something very odd. He did his best to sniff out where the source of the smell was coming from, and after a long travel he found it.

The lizard looks up into a tree, only to see a monkey smoking. Being a curious lizard, he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived.

Anole sex

Two snakes walk into a bar.

Turns out they were lizards.

Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back?

And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."

What do you call a giant firebreathing lizard with a procrastination problem

Dragon his feet

My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today...

You could say it was his hunting inskinkt.

What type of weed do lizards smoke?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a lizard cums?

Busting a newt

What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?


Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ...

Okay bye now

What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints?

You want flies with that?

A lizard was walking through the jungle...

...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard beco...

What do you say to a man with a broken lizard?

Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lizard and the koala

The koala was on his tree, smoking a joint when the lizard sees him.

L: Yo, Koala. Whatchu doin'?

K: Smoking. Let's blaze one out, Lizard

After smoking for some time, the lizard felt his mouth dry and told the koala he would go drink some water. While stumbling around pretty...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A koala and a lizard smoke a joint in a tree

After they finish the joint, they both are feeling pretty lit. The lizard says "man, my cottonmouth is out of control, I need to go get a drink". He leaves to go get a drink. An alligator walks by smells the sweet scent of cannabis still lingering in the air. He sees koala up in a tree, but before h...

The Kuala and the Lizard

So this Koala is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff. Small lizard walks by and ask the Koala what he's doing. Koala says "Having a spliff man, come up and have a few puffs..."

So up the lizard goes, but after a few drags he's thirsty. Koala says "No problem little dude, just little bit down t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a lizard is walking in the jungle

And he hears someone calling him from a tree.

"Hey Lizard, come smoke a joint with me!" says a monkey up high in a tree. The lizard says "fuck yeah!" and climbs up to hit the doobie.

They're all nice and baked when the lizard gets cotton mouth. "Im gonna go down to the lake for a drin...

A little lizard

A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon ...

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