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Lizard Jokes

Where does a lizard go after it drops its tail?

To the retail store

Did you hear about the man who slaughtered lizards?

He was a cold-blooded killer.

Why did the lizards breakup?

Because he had ereptile dysfunction.

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past..

The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river...

What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?

A reptile dysfunction

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

...when a small lizard comes and asks to join it. They get really high and at one point the small lizard says it's thirsty. The monkey tells him that there is a lake nearby and the lizard goes there.

At the lake there is an alligator, he sees the red eyes of the small lizard and says "heeeeyy...

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

I've never trusted lizards...

right from the gecko.

A lizard walks into the Doctors

He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy"

The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction".

What do you call a flying prehistoric lizard?

A Dino-soaring.

What do you call a lizard that can punctuate five times in a row?

A comma comma comma comma comma chameleon!

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monk...

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

What do you call a lizard with no legs?

Late for dinner.

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

A guy walks into a bar with a small lizard...

A guy walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder. He says to the barman, "One for me and one for Tiny." The barman says, "Why do you call him Tiny?" And the guy says, "Cuz, he's my newt."

Deep in the Australian bush…

A lizard and a koala are sitting in a large gum smoking a joint. They’re having a blast.
Eventually the lizard says, “Dude, my mouth is so dry. I’m going to get a drink at the river.” So he climbs down the tree, makes his way through the bush and when he arrives at the river he leans in to drin...

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

He had reptile disfunction.

I saw a lizard

and it became a spotted lizard

What do you call a lizard that likes the water?

An aguana

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

He goes up to the barman and says 'I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here' The barman starts making the drinks and asks 'Why do you call him Tiny?' The guy says 'Because he's my newt'

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

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What do you call a doctor that works on large lizard vaginas?

A dino-cologist

Why did the lizard never have any offspring ?

Because it had an ereptile dysfunction.

What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.

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Lizards

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinn...

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What do you call a monitor lizard who lives in Japan?

A Kimono dragon.

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What’s it called when a lizard can’t have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?

A slandermander

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A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."

"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the monkey.

"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."

So the monkey and the lizard are smoking...

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree...

...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself.

He yells up, "Hey, you got any more of that?"

The monkey says, "Sure man, come on up!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, ...

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

A lizard in the jungle is trying to get high...

So he walks around looking for some pot. Suddenly he catches a whiff of some dank. So he follows the smell to a tree where he sees a monkey getting stoned.

He shouts "Hey monkey, you mind if I smoke some of your weed with you?"

Monkey says "sure come on up lizard I'll smoke you out"...

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

My cat loves hunting lizards but he never kills them.

He's just all about the details.

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The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.

...

Wrote a joke about a lizard to get some internet points.

A Karma Chameleon.

What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back?

A-reptile dysfunction

Where do lizards get their new tails?

At the re-tail store

What do you call a lizard that hates fortnite youtubers?

An Ali-hater.

Why did the lizard's wife leave him?

He had a-reptile dysfunction.

What does Tommy Wiseau say to a lizard?

“Oh hi, Mark”

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The lizard and the koala.

A lizard is wandering through the Australian outback one afternoon when he spots a Koala sitting in a tree.

"OI!" he calls out to the Koala, "What are you doin' up there?"

The koala looks down at the lizard, "Oh hey bro, I was just about to smoke a spliff. You can join me if you want."...

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What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

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An Aussie favourite.

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, s...

What do you call lizard picture posted on Reddit?

A karma chameleon

The Lizard & The Monkey

One day, A lizard was walking down a path in the woods when he smelled something very odd. He did his best to sniff out where the source of the smell was coming from, and after a long travel he found it.

The lizard looks up into a tree, only to see a monkey smoking. Being a curious lizard, he...

What kind of lizard would you find on this site?

A karma chameleon.

If you're a lizard who can't get it up,

talk to your doctor about a reptile dysfunction.

[OC] What do you call a dead lizard?

A Die-nosaur!

I want to make a really long, bad lizard joke...

But I don't want to let it dragon.

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Why couldn't the old lizard have sex anymore?

He was suffering from ereptile dysfunction

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The Turtle, Lizard, and Rabbit

One day, Turtle, Lizard, and Rabbit decide to start a garden. So as first things first they needed manure for their plants, Turtle and Lizard send the rabbit to town for the manure while they dig. While Rabbit was in town searching for the rich soil, Turtle and Lizard strike oil. As the rabbit retur...

It didn’t take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

I know this great joke about flying lizards...

But it tends to drag on!

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So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"

A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up...

What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.

Did you hear about the lizard in the news?

He murdered someone in cold blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lizard went to the doctor complaining about his sex life

After hearing his story, the doctor told him,

You’ve got a reptile dysfunction

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The lizard and the koala

The koala was on his tree, smoking a joint when the lizard sees him.

L: Yo, Koala. Whatchu doin'?


K: Smoking. Let's blaze one out, Lizard

After smoking for some time, the lizard felt his mouth dry and told the koala he would go drink some water. While stumbling around pretty...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.

"How cute! What's your baby's name?"

"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

What do you call a lizard that wears cloths?

Mark zuckerberg

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?

Re-tail.

What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday?

Karmachameleon.

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

A monkey sits in a tree when a lizard asks..

..."what are you doing?". "I'm rolling a joint" answered the monkey. "Wanna join?"

The lizard joins but after a while the lizard says "I have a strange feeling in my throat.. Imma go down to the river for some water."

On way to the river the lizard feels he smoked a little too much. A...

I bought a lizard, but after a week it stopped moving.

I took it to the vet, and I was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

A lizard was walking through the jungle...

...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard beco...

An Orangutan Is smoking a joint on a tree when a lizard walks by...

The lizard asks: "Hey Orangutan what are you doing?"
"Smoking a joint"
"Ooooh can I have a puff???"
And the Orangutan: "Absolutely not, you're so small you couldn't possibly handle It"
"Cmon please Orangutan just one!"
"Alright! But don't make me regret It"
After smoking the lizard...

Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ...

Okay bye now

Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard

He's going to get a calmer chameleon.

What do you call a Jamaican lizard that always wants to know what’s going on?

A Whataguana

(I made this up when I was quite drunk and I thought it was hilarious)

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