A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s goin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A koala bear and a lizard are sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

The koala bear eats a lot of eucalyptus and is a little bit bigger so his tolerance is pretty good. The lizard however is a lightweight and loses his shit very quickly. He says to the koala bear “I’m gonna need a drink of water.” So he walks down the branch and takes a drink out of the river. All of...

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ...

What do you call a lizard that works as a detective?

An investi-gator.

What is the medical condition where your lizard can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction

How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.

What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

What do you call a flying lizard?

A dino*soar*

​

Ahahahahahahahaha help

What do you call a lizard that hates fortnite youtubers?

An Ali-hater.

It didn’t take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

Did you hear about the lizard in the news?

He murdered someone in cold blood

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

A lizard who just cant get it up walks into the doctors office

The lizard asks the doctor what the problem might be.

The doc answers back, seems to me like you might have Ereptile Dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.

...

What do you call it when a lizard can't grow its tail back?

A reptile disfunction...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lizard and the koala.

A lizard is wandering through the Australian outback one afternoon when he spots a Koala sitting in a tree.

"OI!" he calls out to the Koala, "What are you doin' up there?"

The koala looks down at the lizard, "Oh hey bro, I was just about to smoke a spliff. You can join me if you want."...

What do you call a book series about a boy who finds out he is a lizard?

Scaly Potter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"

A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up...

A lizard in the jungle is trying to get high...

So he walks around looking for some pot. Suddenly he catches a whiff of some dank. So he follows the smell to a tree where he sees a monkey getting stoned.

He shouts "Hey monkey, you mind if I smoke some of your weed with you?"

Monkey says "sure come on up lizard I'll smoke you out"...

A lizard walks into a bar

pushing a baby in a stroller. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."

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Lizards

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinn...

If there were a lizard school, which students would be the one keeping order?

The monitors.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday?

Karmachameleon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What stops lizards from having sex?

Ereptile dysfunction

I once met a lizard who was a door-to-door pottery salesman

He could really rep tile

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest

He looked up in the tree and saw a koala bear smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala bear. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, so he scurries down the tree and over to the pond whe...

Where do lizards get their new tails?

At the re-tail store

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree...

...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself.

He yells up, "Hey, you got any more of that?"

The monkey says, "Sure man, come on up!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

I know this great joke about flying lizards...

But it tends to drag on!

There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back.

I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

I'd tell you a joke about a fiery green lizard

But it would drag-on

I saw a lizard

and it became a spotted lizard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.


After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard

He's going to get a calmer chameleon.

What do you call a giant firebreathing lizard with a procrastination problem

Dragon his feet

A monkey sits in a tree when a lizard asks..

..."what are you doing?". "I'm rolling a joint" answered the monkey. "Wanna join?"

The lizard joins but after a while the lizard says "I have a strange feeling in my throat.. Imma go down to the river for some water."

On way to the river the lizard feels he smoked a little too much. A...

The Lizard & The Monkey

One day, A lizard was walking down a path in the woods when he smelled something very odd. He did his best to sniff out where the source of the smell was coming from, and after a long travel he found it.

The lizard looks up into a tree, only to see a monkey smoking. Being a curious lizard, he...

A man buys a monitor lizard for his PC.

Back home, he tries to connect it to the computer via HDMI.

The lizard bites him, so he calls the shop.

Tech support: "Monitor Lizards are not compactible with HDMI. You need to connect the lizard via UCP (Universal Cloacal Port). Also they love computer mice. You should buy a 20-pac...

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The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived.

Anole sex

Two snakes walk into a bar.

Turns out they were lizards.

Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back?

And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, "Dude, c'mon..."

My mum asked me if I had taken my lizard for a walk...

... I told her I was goanna do it later.

What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?

Re-tail.

What type of weed do lizards smoke?

Mariguana.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a lizard cums?

Busting a newt

My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today...

You could say it was his hunting inskinkt.

What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints?

You want flies with that?

Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ...

Okay bye now

A lizard was walking through the jungle...

...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard beco...

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lizard and the koala

The koala was on his tree, smoking a joint when the lizard sees him.

L: Yo, Koala. Whatchu doin'?


K: Smoking. Let's blaze one out, Lizard

After smoking for some time, the lizard felt his mouth dry and told the koala he would go drink some water. While stumbling around pretty...

What do you say to a man with a broken lizard?

Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A koala and a lizard smoke a joint in a tree

After they finish the joint, they both are feeling pretty lit. The lizard says "man, my cottonmouth is out of control, I need to go get a drink". He leaves to go get a drink. An alligator walks by smells the sweet scent of cannabis still lingering in the air. He sees koala up in a tree, but before h...

What do you call a Hindu lizard?

A karma chameleon

The Kuala and the Lizard

So this Koala is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff. Small lizard walks by and ask the Koala what he's doing. Koala says "Having a spliff man, come up and have a few puffs..."

So up the lizard goes, but after a few drags he's thirsty. Koala says "No problem little dude, just little bit down t...

A little lizard

A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon ...