Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

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What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

The other day there was a spider

I was told not to smash it but take it out. So I did. We went and got dinner and turns out he was a really nice guy, he wants to be a web designer.

What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

What do you call it when Spider-Man jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks.Cool guy,wants to be a web designer.

What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

I painted a spider today while working on my shed and now I’m troubled.

It got away before I could give it a second coat.

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

Everyone wants Spider-Man to be the next Iron Man

But I feel like there will always be a Stark difference

If Marvel was an Indian company, Spider-Man would've been considered sacred.

He's a cash cow.

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

Both Spider-Man and Ant-Man got fired from their job.

That really bugs me.

What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

So far the best Spider-Man movie has been about black Spider-Man...

That’s right, Spider-Man 3

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

I found a cool spider in my backyard today.

I picked it up and drove it accross the city.

Now it's far from home.

Whats scarier than seeing a spider in the shower?

Not seeing the spider in the shower.

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse....

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider...

Just so I can finally hear a woman scream "OMG, IT'S SO HUGE!!!"

Why did the congressmen screw over the spider?

Because she was a black widow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a spider with a big dick?

Daddy nine legs.

Spiders should own the internet

After all, they are very talented in web design.

What do you call a shaky spider man?

Peter Parkinson's.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

A spider sits at a restaurant and calls the waiter

“Excuse me!” There’s a fly in my soup! My compliments to the chef!

A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”

He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”

The spider starts wa...

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man

but now I want to be like Uncle Ben

One day at my house I heard my mum scream...

I went into the room and said "whats happened", she points at this tiny spider and says "take that god damn spider out". So I did...... we went to a bar, a pub and smoked a joint. Nice guy actually he has 2 kids and a wife.... oh yeah he works as web developer too!

What do you call two recently married spiders?

Newlywebs

What are the spiders like in Game of Thrones?

Varies.

Knotty Knotty!

Did you hear about the spider that tried to join Reddit a while ago?

>!He got banned for crossposting in multiple threads!!<

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

What did the spider say to the fly?

Welcome to web

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The Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.

Son: "What is it?"

Dad: "It's a lie detector robot. It slaps people who lie."

Son: "No way!"

Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"

Son (def...

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

Do you know what happened to Australian Spider-man?

He died from the bite.

Why is Spider Man: Far From Home the shortest Spider Man movie?

Because there's no pizza time.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

What is Marvel's new, SPIDER-MAN themed trophy?

A box of uncle Ben's rice with a bullet inside.

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

My wife screamed when she saw a spider in the house and wanted me to kill him for her. Instead of killing him I took him out...

We went to my favorite bar, had a few drinks. I got to know him pretty well. He was a really awesome guy. I also learned he is a web designer.

A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"

What’s the worst thing to lose?

A spider

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

Guys, we should start respecting spiders at least a little

I mean they are great at web design

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

Why is Spider-Man a bad boyfriend?

He's super clingy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

How do spiders diagnose health issues?

they use WebMD

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Spider-Guy

Guy has a dream he's a spider. He makes a web in the ceiling corner and then sees his family on the ground. So he makes a web down to a shelf. Then pushes out another to the counter. He is still pretty far from the floor, so he pushes out a huge long web and, begins to descend. After a few seconds o...

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

I tried killing a spider with hairspray.

It may still be alive, but it's hair sure does look amazing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

What's Spider-Man's favorite song?

Dust in the Wind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

Spiders in a nutshell

Scientist 1: This spider has long legs, so let’s call it long legs

Scientist 2: Not kinky enough

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man

because my uncle was shot in the street

Fear the wrath!

Things that people who come to Australia are afraid of: Spiders, Scorpions, Snakes, Sharks, Crocs, Jellyfish, Octopus, Stone Fish, Feral Pigs, Giant bulls, Emus, and Kangaroos.
Things that Australians are afraid of: Magpies.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

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Near the beginning

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

What's worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

TIL that spiders reproductive organs are found in their front arms.

Spider-Man.

What was the spider's dream job?

A Web Developer

How the daddy long leg got it's name...

Scientists: *find a new species of spider* Scientist 1: let's name it long leg for it's long legs. Scientist 2: hmmm... not kinky enough...

I heard that some spiders will kill each other right after mating

I guess you could say they go out with a bang

What is it called when you're afraid of middle eastern spider species?

Iraqnophobia

What did the poisonous spider get pulled over for?

Recluse driving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30!

Fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Why did Spider-Man go to the hospital?

Because he didn’t feel so good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Moth joke (Norm McDonald)

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says, "what's the problem?"

The moth says, "what's the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, i don't even know what i do there anymore. I don't even know if Gregory...

What was the true identity of the Greek Spider-Man?

Pita Parker

I've developed a new treatment for the fear of spiders:

You eat a steak, then you open your mouth and let a spider eat off the little pieces of meat remaining between your teeth. After repeating this three times, the spider is no longer afraid that you might bite it.

In Spider-Man, I always considered Harry's father an ally..

A shame he ended up as Dafoe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God creating spiders

God: give them 8 legs

Servant: umm a little weird but ok

God: and give them 8 eyes

Servant: You need to calm down a li-

God: GIVE IT A BUTT ROPE!

What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were ther...

Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed...

... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs

Men are like spiders

We tend to have sticky hands after being on web.

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

How can you tell if a spider is a boy or a girl?

You drop it from a building.


If he falls, it's a boy.

If she falls, it's a girl.

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