My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

Why are spiders so fast?

They use the World Wide Web.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

What do you call a Canadian spider?

An Arachnid-eh

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider!

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

If spiders went to college what would be their favorite class?

Web design

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

What's the best way to deal with spiders in your office?

Hire them for web development.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

I was so sure my new hire was Spider-Man

Because his resume said he was a web designer.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

A wise man once said

A man is like a spider when he gets on the web his hands get sticky

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

The official title for Spider-Man 3 finally has been announced!

Spider-Man: Home Is Where You Make It

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

American scientists experimented on some spiders to find out more about the fascinating insect

They started off by saying to the spider to run.

As they all thought the spider started to run.

Then they removed all the legs from the spider and told the spider to run again.

And as they thought the spider didn't run.

The American scientists then concluded that spide...

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

Who called it Spider-Man trilogy and not..

A web series.

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

A genie jokeeeee!

3 men walk into the woods.
1 Named Nicholus Timothy Venus Terra Cotta Boolt Try Delta Earnest
Another named Lima Delta Bravo Tommy Tolt Colt Bolt Davis Jack Masson Brennen Cornista Colton
and finally one named Kin.


They begin to head to their cabin they are staying at but...

My pet spider got sick today

I checked his symptoms on WebMD

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a spider when I was on the toilet

Scared the shit outta me.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

Who can dash, but will get mad if you forget to dash?

Spider-man

What do you call an unreasonable fear of spiders?

An Irachtional fear.

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

Did you know that the average American eats 8 spiders

during the day!?

It's true, your neighbours are eating spiders. Don't let them know you're different.

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

Never funny

when a spider isn't hired as a web-designer

Here’s my top 5 fun facts about Spider-Man’s Sinister Six!

One will shock you!

Someone asked me who the villain of the 2002 Spider-Man movie was.

I said Willems da Foe.

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

I asked my son to go get me a phone book.

He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

Two friends, Tom and Dave, were discussing about the new Spider-man movie...

Dave: “Did u hear that Peter Parker gets arrested in the Netherlands in Spider-man Homecoming?”

Tom: “Really, I thought he got arrested in Australia!”

Dave: “No, Tom, Holland!”

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Friend: Spider-man?

Me: >!No...dead man.!<

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

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