My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

When I die I want to reincarnate as a spider.

That way all the girls can say, "Oh my god, it's huge!"

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

I just killed a big spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, nobody steals my shoe.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

Spiders are the only web developers

that like to find bugs.

In Iran, everyone is so very afraid of spiders.

But in Iraq no phobia.

What do spiders do for a job?

Web development

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

What does a spider use to make videos?

A webcam.

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

Why are spiders so fast?

They use the World Wide Web.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

What do you call recently married spiders?

Newly Webs

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

What do you call a Jewish Spider?

A Torahantula.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lady's Ass

A man sits next to a lady in the park, who seems to be a really educated sophisticated woman. The man notices a spider crawling on her ass, so he tells him "oh look a spider on your ass." the woman suddenly turns around and slaps him "You creep! It's not ass. It's 'buttocks'."

After 5 minute...

My pet spider got sick today

I checked his symptoms on WebMD

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

Who called it Spider-Man trilogy and not..

A web series.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how some people have arachnophobia?

Do you reckon some spiders have homophobia?

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

Can we all just take a moment....

And appreciate that god didn't made the spider to be able to fly?

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a spider when I was on the toilet

Scared the shit outta me.

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey.

She stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum

And said, "I'm in the wrong nursery rhyme!"


Okay, I'll try another one...


Little Jack Horner sat in a corner

Eating his Christmas pie.

Along came a spider who sat down beside him...

I was bored, and I found a spider on the wall. So, I started to talk to him.

He said he was a web developer.

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

What do you call an unreasonable fear of spiders?

An Irachtional fear.

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.



Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.



Man who leaps off cliff jumps to ...

I asked my son to go get me a phone book.

He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

Here’s my top 5 fun facts about Spider-Man’s Sinister Six!

One will shock you!

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

Someone asked me who the villain of the 2002 Spider-Man movie was.

I said Willems da Foe.

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noti...

Everyone wants Spider-Man to be the next Iron Man

But I feel like there will always be a Stark difference

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

Two friends, Tom and Dave, were discussing about the new Spider-man movie...

Dave: “Did u hear that Peter Parker gets arrested in the Netherlands in Spider-man Homecoming?”

Tom: “Really, I thought he got arrested in Australia!”

Dave: “No, Tom, Holland!”

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Friend: Spider-man?

Me: >!No...dead man.!<

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

This spider bit a kid and it gave him super speed...

Cause he died really fast.

What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

A teacher asks her students about the thing they fear the most

One girl said spiders
Another student said heights
And then a boy said "Evil A-men"

The teacher confused asks who are they and the student said "I dunno but when I finish praying I ask god to "deliver us from Evil A-men"

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider" to which the blind man replied "step on it"

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

Whats scarier than seeing a spider in the shower?

Not seeing the spider in the shower.

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

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