UPJOKE
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Spider Jokes

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.
He's a web designer

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.

What cereal does Spider-Man hate the most?

Mystery O's

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Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were ther...

What does Spider Man say at Christmas?

My spider senses are ring-a-ling!

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

I killed A Spider with a gun

I can't have an armed spider crawling around my house

A spider ran onto my keyboard

It is under control

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

How do you measure Spider-Man's speed?

By using Miles Per Hour.

Gotta give credit to spiders...

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

How are blind spiders able to see?

They use web sites.

What do you call a rich spider?

A web designer with a huge net worth.

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

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A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

Why is Spider Man: Far From Home the shortest Spider Man movie?

Because there's no pizza time.

why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.

What’s a spider’s favorite day?

Websday or Flyday.

So Spider-Man and Silver Surfer decided to hang out one day

Yeah, I think they surfed the web together

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

Why is there no Australian Spider-Man?

He didn’t survive the bite.

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web

Why was Spider-man's suit wrinkled?

Because he lost his iron, man.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

What would Spider-Man and Wonder Woman name their business?

Amazon Web Services

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store.

They cost $30! That's way too expensive.

I can get one much cheaper off of the web.

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Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard

I think it's under control

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

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I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

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There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

We’ve started calling Grandad Spider-Man…

It’s not that he’s got super powers, he just can’t get out of the bath.

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

What do you call a British spider man?

Kilometres Morales

Spiders must be...

the only web developers who like bugs.

Men are like spiders

We tend to have sticky hands after being on web.

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

What kind of grill does a spider bbq on?

A Weber.

So far the best Spider-Man movie has been about black Spider-Man...

That’s right, Spider-Man 3

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

What did the procrastinating spider say to the fly?

Catch ya later!

Girls hate me as much as spiders.

But hey they can bite people why can’t I.

My pet spider lost two of her legs

It’s really bugging her

my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.

she's not wrong.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

Spiders in a nutshell

Scientist 1: This spider has long legs, so let’s call it long legs

Scientist 2: Not kinky enough

What do you call pants made for a German spider?

Schpiderhosen

What do they call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

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