My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

Why are spiders so fast?

They use the World Wide Web.

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

If spiders went to college what would be their favorite class?

Web design

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

What do you call a place with loads of spiders?

Website

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

Why is Spider-Man so good at making comebacks?

Because with great power comes, great responseability.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider!

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

**me [sneaking up behind him with an enormous cup]:** that 𝑖𝑠 weird

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

I named a Spider I found in my house "Cotton Eye Joe" because...

Because

Where did he come from

and where did he go

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

What's the best way to deal with spiders in your office?

Hire them for web development.

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

Girls hate me as much as spiders.

But hey they can bite people why can’t I.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked my daughter for a phone book...

She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

I was so sure my new hire was Spider-Man

Because his resume said he was a web designer.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

You know what I've turned into after starting to like bugs in my code?

A Spider

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

Spiderman found dead this morning

Police believe he commited insecticide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a moth goes into a podiatrist's office

So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office...the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’...

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What do you call an Australian who rescues the day?

The friendly neighborhood “Spider-Mate”

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

Once upon a time, there was a humble couple

Once upon a time, there was a humble couple where the woman stayed at home while her husband traveled away for months as a truck driver. They always wanted a child, but they could never have it.

One day, she finally got pregnant. Beautiful! They were joyful although upset that once again the ...

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Did you know that the average American eats 8 spiders

during the day!?

It's true, your neighbours are eating spiders. Don't let them know you're different.

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

Who called it Spider-Man trilogy and not..

A web series.

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

A wise man once said

A man is like a spider when he gets on the web his hands get sticky

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

Here’s my top 5 fun facts about Spider-Man’s Sinister Six!

One will shock you!

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

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