The 104+ Best Spider Jokes

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.

This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.

“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.

“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.

“Fifty ...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

I killed A Spider with a gun

I can't have an armed spider crawling around my house

A spider ran onto my keyboard

It is under control

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

How do you measure Spider-Man's speed?

By using Miles Per Hour.

What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.

Gotta give credit to spiders...

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

How are blind spiders able to see?

They use web sites.

What do you call a rich spider?

A web designer with a huge net worth.

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store.

They cost $30! That's way too expensive.

I can get one much cheaper off of the web.

So Spider-Man and Silver Surfer decided to hang out one day

Yeah, I think they surfed the web together

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were ther...

What’s a spider’s favorite day?

Websday or Flyday.

why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

What would Spider-Man and Wonder Woman name their business?

Amazon Web Services

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web

Why is there no Australian Spider-Man?

He didn’t survive the bite.

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

My son asked me, "What happens to the spiders that gets hoovered up?"

"They Dyson."

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

Why was Spider-man's suit wrinkled?

Because he lost his iron, man.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard

I think it's under control

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

What do you call a British spider man?

Kilometres Morales

We’ve started calling Grandad Spider-Man…

It’s not that he’s got super powers, he just can’t get out of the bath.

What kind of grill does a spider bbq on?

A Weber.

What did the procrastinating spider say to the fly?

Catch ya later!

What do you call pants made for a German spider?

Schpiderhosen

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

I asked my teenage son to pass me the phone book

He laughed, called me a dinosaur and handed me his iPhone.

So, the spider is dead. The iPhone is broken and my son is furious.

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

My pet spider lost two of her legs

It’s really bugging her

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

Girls hate me as much as spiders.

But hey they can bite people why can’t I.

What do they call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

Scientist: let’s name this spider long legs, for its long legs.

Scientist 2: hmmmm not kinky enough.

my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.

she's not wrong.

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.