My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

Why are spiders so fast?

They use the World Wide Web.

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

How is Spider-Man always so quick witted during fights?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

My son asked me, "What happens to the spiders that gets hoovered up?"

"They Dyson."

What did the procrastinating spider say to the fly?

Catch ya later!

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

What do you call pants made for a German spider?

Schpiderhosen

What kind of grill does a spider bbq on?

A Weber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

What did the Spider choose to work as?

Web designer

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

Insect Party

A spider, an ant, and a centipede are having a small party and decide that someone needs to go buy a cake at the store. After some thought they decide the centipede should go because he has the most legs so he will be able to get there faster. The centipede leaves and the spider and ant are left to ...

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

What do you call a place with loads of spiders?

Website

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

**me [sneaking up behind him with an enormous cup]:** that 𝑖𝑠 weird

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

I named a Spider I found in my house "Cotton Eye Joe" because...

Because

Where did he come from

and where did he go

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

What's the best way to deal with spiders in your office?

Hire them for web development.

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.

The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.

She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don't see anything.”

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he says calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming. <...

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

If spiders went to college what would be their favorite class?

Web design

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked my daughter for a phone book...

She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..

I was so sure my new hire was Spider-Man

Because his resume said he was a web designer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

Who called it Spider-Man trilogy and not..

A web series.

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

Spiderman found dead this morning

Police believe he commited insecticide

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

What do you call an unreasonable fear of spiders?

An Irachtional fear.

What do you call an Australian who rescues the day?

The friendly neighborhood “Spider-Mate”

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

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