UPJOKE
tarantulainsectarthropodarachnidscorpionvenomgenusmothantennacuticleorderfamilyblack widowspermlarva

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

What do you call a spider without a web?

Offline

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

Why is there no Australian Spider-Man?

He didn’t survive the bite.

Why was Spider-man's suit wrinkled?

Because he lost his iron, man.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fin...

My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as spiderman.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

My son asked me, "What happens to the spiders that gets hoovered up?"

"They Dyson."

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

What do you call a British spider man?

Kilometres Morales

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

How many spiders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two. But how the hell did they get in there?

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

We’ve started calling Grandad Spider-Man…

It’s not that he’s got super powers, he just can’t get out of the bath.

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

Why does Spider-Man cheat on all of his partners?

Because he lives a swinger lifestyle.

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays

What did the procrastinating spider say to the fly?

Catch ya later!

What kind of grill does a spider bbq on?

A Weber.

What do you call pants made for a German spider?

Schpiderhosen

What did the Spider choose to work as?

Web designer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

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Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" ...

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

**me [sneaking up behind him with an enormous cup]:** that 𝑖𝑠 weird

My pet spider lost two of her legs

It’s really bugging her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth walks into a podiatriats office

The podiatrist says, "What seems to be the problem today?"

Moth says, "What seems to be the problem? Where do I begin?!

"I slave away all day at a job I hate and barely bring home enough to pay the bills. I'm going to have to get a second job just to keep the lights on. I don't even kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

An old man and his grand daughter were sitting together in a room

The grandfather says to his grand daughter;

' Susie, get me a newspaper, will ya'

The grand daughter says;

' Oh grandpa you are such a boring boomer, it's the 21st century we normal human beings use phones now'. 'Here take my phone', she hands over her phone to the old man.
<...

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

What's the best way to deal with spiders in your office?

Hire them for web development.

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

In honor of Valentine's Day...

What does a passionate kiss and a spider have in common?

They both lead to the undoing of the fly.

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

Girls hate me as much as spiders.

But hey they can bite people why can’t I.

Caught in the web.

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

Who was Green Goblin in the 2002 SpiderMan movie?

Dafoe.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

What does Spider-Man do on his day off?

Surfs the web

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

Who called it Spider-Man trilogy and not..

A web series.

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

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