UPJOKE
tarantulainsectarthropodarachnidwolf spiderscorpionvenomjumping spiderdragonflygenusmothantennacuticlepedipalporder

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.
upvote downvote report

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"
upvote downvote report

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe
upvote downvote report

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider
upvote downvote report

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.
upvote downvote report

What does Spider-Man do when he goes blind?

He gets a dog that can see for Miles.
upvote downvote report

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...
upvote downvote report

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy.
He's a web designer
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl
upvote downvote report

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.
upvote downvote report

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.
upvote downvote report

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.
upvote downvote report

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.
upvote downvote report

What does Spider Man say at Christmas?

My spider senses are ring-a-ling!
upvote downvote report

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him
upvote downvote report

I killed A Spider with a gun

I can't have an armed spider crawling around my house
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were ther...

A spider ran onto my keyboard

It is under control
upvote downvote report

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!
upvote downvote report

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.
upvote downvote report

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...
upvote downvote report

How do you measure Spider-Man's speed?

By using Miles Per Hour.
upvote downvote report

What cereal does Spider-Man hate the most?

Mystery O's
upvote downvote report

Gotta give credit to spiders...

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.
upvote downvote report

How are blind spiders able to see?

They use web sites.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a rich spider?

A web designer with a huge net worth.
upvote downvote report

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD
upvote downvote report

Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites
upvote downvote report

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

Why is Spider Man: Far From Home the shortest Spider Man movie?

Because there's no pizza time.
upvote downvote report

What’s a spider’s favorite day?

Websday or Flyday.
upvote downvote report

So Spider-Man and Silver Surfer decided to hang out one day

Yeah, I think they surfed the web together
upvote downvote report

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts
upvote downvote report

why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Why is there no Australian Spider-Man?

He didn’t survive the bite.
upvote downvote report

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.
upvote downvote report

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.
upvote downvote report

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.
upvote downvote report

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend
upvote downvote report

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web
upvote downvote report

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.
upvote downvote report

Why was Spider-man's suit wrinkled?

Because he lost his iron, man.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.
upvote downvote report

What would Spider-Man and Wonder Woman name their business?

Amazon Web Services
upvote downvote report

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store.

They cost $30! That's way too expensive.

I can get one much cheaper off of the web.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard

I think it's under control

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.
upvote downvote report

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

What do you call a British spider man?

Kilometres Morales
upvote downvote report

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
upvote downvote report

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia
upvote downvote report

We’ve started calling Grandad Spider-Man…

It’s not that he’s got super powers, he just can’t get out of the bath.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.
upvote downvote report

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web
upvote downvote report

Spiders must be...

the only web developers who like bugs.
upvote downvote report

Men are like spiders

We tend to have sticky hands after being on web.
upvote downvote report

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...
upvote downvote report

What kind of grill does a spider bbq on?

A Weber.
upvote downvote report

So far the best Spider-Man movie has been about black Spider-Man...

That’s right, Spider-Man 3
upvote downvote report

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.
upvote downvote report

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.
upvote downvote report

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?
upvote downvote report

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.
upvote downvote report

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg
upvote downvote report

What did the procrastinating spider say to the fly?

Catch ya later!
upvote downvote report

Girls hate me as much as spiders.

But hey they can bite people why can’t I.
upvote downvote report

My pet spider lost two of her legs

It’s really bugging her
upvote downvote report

my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.

she's not wrong.
upvote downvote report

What’s black, white, and red all over?

Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.
upvote downvote report

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays
upvote downvote report

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer
upvote downvote report

Spiders in a nutshell

Scientist 1: This spider has long legs, so let’s call it long legs

Scientist 2: Not kinky enough
upvote downvote report

What do you call pants made for a German spider?

Schpiderhosen
upvote downvote report

What do they call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales
upvote downvote report

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian
upvote downvote report

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”
upvote downvote report

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson
upvote downvote report

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information