UPJOKE
tarantulainsectarthropodarachnidscorpionvenomdragonflygenusmothantennacuticleorderfamilyblack widowsperm

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites

Where do spiders seek health advice?

WebMD

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A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it...

We went and had some drinks. Really cool guy. Works as a web designer.

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

What do Spider-Man and his girlfriend do on the weekends?

Swing

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

“Oh my God, that spider’s as big as my thumb!”

Today was a bad day to know Big Thumb Thurmond

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.

AN old man asks to borrow his son's newspaper

The son points out that this is the 21st century, and nobody wastes money on newspapers anymore. He lends his dad his iPad instead.

That spider never knew what hit him.

What would Spider-Man and Wonder Woman name their business?

Amazon Web Services

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

What's Spider-Man's favourite pastry brand?

Little Webbies

Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fin...

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

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A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

Why is there no Australian Spider-Man?

He didn’t survive the bite.

What do you call a spider without a web?

Offline

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

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"Will you walk into my parlor", said the spider to the fly.

To which the fly replied, "Holy shit, a talking spider!"

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

Why was Spider-man's suit wrinkled?

Because he lost his iron, man.

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

How many spiders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two. But how the hell did they get in there?

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

My son asked me, "What happens to the spiders that gets hoovered up?"

"They Dyson."

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

What do you call a British spider man?

Kilometres Morales

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This is a joke.

# A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t eve...

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

Keeping up with the times

I went round to my sons' house and whilst we were sitting having a cup of tea, I said: "Son, can I borrow your newspaper?"

"Dad, this is the 21st Century", he replied, "We save money by not buying newspapers. But if you like you can have my iPad."

I'll tell you, that spider got squishe...

Why does Spider-Man cheat on all of his partners?

Because he lives a swinger lifestyle.

We’ve started calling Grandad Spider-Man…

It’s not that he’s got super powers, he just can’t get out of the bath.

Did you hear the new Spider-Man movie will be Tom Holland’s last?

He said he will continue the story as a YouTube series. It will be a web spin-off.

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays

What did the procrastinating spider say to the fly?

Catch ya later!

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

**me [sneaking up behind him with an enormous cup]:** that 𝑖𝑠 weird

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

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I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

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I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

What kind of grill does a spider bbq on?

A Weber.

What do you call pants made for a German spider?

Schpiderhosen

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

Why did Little Miss Muffet step on the spider?

Because it got in her whey.

What do you they call Spider-Man in Europe?

Kilometers Morales

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

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There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

My pet spider lost two of her legs

It’s really bugging her

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

What do you call a place with loads of spiders?

Website

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

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What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

Who was Green Goblin in the 2002 SpiderMan movie?

Dafoe.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

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