My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

I named my wife's wild mouth after spider man

Peter Parker

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

What is the most common job amongst spiders?

web designer

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace ...

Here’s my top 5 fun facts about Spider-Man’s Sinister Six!

One will shock you!

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

Someone asked me who the villain of the 2002 Spider-Man movie was.

I said Willems da Foe.

The bigass spider in my room is now called Cotton eye Joe

Because I want to know two things:

Where did he come from

Where did he go

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

Two friends, Tom and Dave, were discussing about the new Spider-man movie...

Dave: “Did u hear that Peter Parker gets arrested in the Netherlands in Spider-man Homecoming?”

Tom: “Really, I thought he got arrested in Australia!”

Dave: “No, Tom, Holland!”

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Friend: Spider-man?

Me: >!No...dead man.!<

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

Spiders

Spiders are the only web designers who love finding bugs.

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

What do you call it when Spider-Man jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour.

Everyone wants Spider-Man to be the next Iron Man

But I feel like there will always be a Stark difference

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

What did the spider do on the computer

Make a website

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

This spider bit a kid and it gave him super speed...

Cause he died really fast.

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

Both Spider-Man and Ant-Man got fired from their job.

That really bugs me.

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

I painted a spider today while working on my shed and now I’m troubled.

It got away before I could give it a second coat.

Whats scarier than seeing a spider in the shower?

Not seeing the spider in the shower.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

If Marvel was an Indian company, Spider-Man would've been considered sacred.

He's a cash cow.

I found a cool spider in my backyard today.

I picked it up and drove it accross the city.

Now it's far from home.

I make six figures a year

By the end of 2020 I’m hoping complete 3 Darth Vaders, 2 Boba Fetts, and 1 Spider-Man.

So far the best Spider-Man movie has been about black Spider-Man...

That’s right, Spider-Man 3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

My pet spider lost two of his legs

Now he’s an antputee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Miss Muffett

Little Miss Muffett sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey

Along came a spider who sat down beside her

And said, " 'Ey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"


-Andrew Dice Clay

Life before the computer:



Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse p...

Spiders should own the internet

After all, they are very talented in web design.

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider...

Just so I can finally hear a woman scream "OMG, IT'S SO HUGE!!!"

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”

He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”

The spider starts wa...

When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man

but now I want to be like Uncle Ben

A spider sits at a restaurant and calls the waiter

“Excuse me!” There’s a fly in my soup! My compliments to the chef!

Why is Spider Man: Far From Home the shortest Spider Man movie?

Because there's no pizza time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a spider with a big dick?

Daddy nine legs.

What do you call two recently married spiders?

Newlywebs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

Do you know what happened to Australian Spider-man?

He died from the bite.

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

What did the spider say to the fly?

Welcome to web

What are the spiders like in Game of Thrones?

Varies.

Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

Why is Spider-Man a bad boyfriend?

He's super clingy.

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

What is Marvel's new, SPIDER-MAN themed trophy?

A box of uncle Ben's rice with a bullet inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"

Spiders in a nutshell

Scientist 1: This spider has long legs, so let’s call it long legs

Scientist 2: Not kinky enough

My wife screamed when she saw a spider in the house and wanted me to kill him for her. Instead of killing him I took him out...

We went to my favorite bar, had a few drinks. I got to know him pretty well. He was a really awesome guy. I also learned he is a web designer.

I tried killing a spider with hairspray.

It may still be alive, but it's hair sure does look amazing.

Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man

because my uncle was shot in the street

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

What's worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

What's Spider-Man's favorite song?

Dust in the Wind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30!

Fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

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