My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

A bee and a spider walk together to a store one day

The bee looks to the spider and asks "Why are you buying all that black clothing?"

The spider responds "I am a SPYder,that's my job."

The bee would sigh and say "I cannot beelive you made that pun..and I thought my puns were bad."

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

Spiders are the only web developers

that like to find bugs.

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

What's a spider's dream job?

Web developer

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

Who called it Spider-Man trilogy and not..

A web series.

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

What do you call a Jewish Spider?

A Torahantula.

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

How do Spider-Men get good in English?

They consult the Webster dictionary.

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Seems nice. He's a web designer

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. Don’t care how big a spider thinks it is...

...nothing steals *my* shoe!!

My pet spider got sick today

I checked his symptoms on WebMD

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What do you call an unreasonable fear of spiders?

An Irachtional fear.

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

Did you know that the average American eats 8 spiders

during the day!?

It's true, your neighbours are eating spiders. Don't let them know you're different.

I was bored, and I found a spider on the wall. So, I started to talk to him.

He said he was a web developer.

A teacher asks her students about the thing they fear the most

One girl said spiders
Another student said heights
And then a boy said "Evil A-men"

The teacher confused asks who are they and the student said "I dunno but when I finish praying I ask god to "deliver us from Evil A-men"

What is the most common job amongst spiders?

web designer

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noti...

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

Here’s my top 5 fun facts about Spider-Man’s Sinister Six!

One will shock you!

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

Someone asked me who the villain of the 2002 Spider-Man movie was.

I said Willems da Foe.

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook

She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

Asked my daughter to get me a phone book....

She just signed and said, "Yo Gen X, how about keeping up? Just use my iPhone!"

I shrugged, took her iPhone and totally wrecked it when I crushed the spider on the wall...

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

How tall is a spider?

Eight feet.

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God creating critters

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider" to which the blind man replied "step on it"

Two friends, Tom and Dave, were discussing about the new Spider-man movie...

Dave: “Did u hear that Peter Parker gets arrested in the Netherlands in Spider-man Homecoming?”

Tom: “Really, I thought he got arrested in Australia!”

Dave: “No, Tom, Holland!”

"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

Everyone wants Spider-Man to be the next Iron Man

But I feel like there will always be a Stark difference

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?

Friend: Spider-man?

Me: >!No...dead man.!<

What did the furry spider say to its crush?

oOOowoOOo

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth?

Either way, you're still a web developer.

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

I found a cool spider in my backyard today.

I picked it up and drove it accross the city.

Now it's far from home.

If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man,

What color would your suit be?

A farmer had an argument with his wife

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou...

This spider bit a kid and it gave him super speed...

Cause he died really fast.

What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

Whats scarier than seeing a spider in the shower?

Not seeing the spider in the shower.

I painted a spider today while working on my shed and now I’m troubled.

It got away before I could give it a second coat.

Yo mama’s so fat

that when Spider-man was saving her from falling off a building, he had to use the world-wide-web.

My pet spider lost two of his legs

Now he’s an antputee

There are 2 spiders in the boiler closet, which one is in the army?

The one on the tank

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider...

Just so I can finally hear a woman scream "OMG, IT'S SO HUGE!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

Do you know what happened to Australian Spider-man?

He died from the bite.

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