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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have anoth...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

Q: What do you call a thieving crocodile?

A: A crookodile

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The man behind the bar says to him "what the fuck are you doing with that crocodile?"

The man looks at him and says "he can do tricks!"

The man behind the bar responds "Tricks?! You barmy bastard, get out, get out!"


The man says "I'll show you!" and pulls his cock out and pu...

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?

TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an
elephant inside a fridge?
TEACHER: I don't know.
STUDENT: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in. I have
another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How to put a donkey
inside the fridge?
TEACHER: ...

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

Their name.

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austral...

Crocodiles. He hate them.

Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.

He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."

The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."

He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocod...

Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a chicken?

A crock-adoodledoo

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and the other one you will see in a while.

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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest

An investigator

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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

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I said to my friend," Goodbye crocodile."

"See you later masturbator",was his reply

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The Bartender says,
"Hey, you can't have a crocodile in my bar, get him out"!
The man says,
"No, he is tame, I can prove it."
The man lifts the crocodile up as the bartender says,
"I don't care, get him out of here"!
The man sets the crocodile up onto the bar and unzips his pant...

Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.

It's a pun-croc band.

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A...

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

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An 18 year old asks his 91 year old grandpa to go fishing.

Grandpa: Let's go skydiving instead.

Grandson: Aren't you afraid that something could go wrong and we could die?

Grandpa: As old as I am dying is only my third biggest fear.

Grandson: What's your second?

Grandpa: Not making the most out of the time I have left.

Th...

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

Why was the female crocodile disappointed in her mate?

He had a reptile dysfunction

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?

He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.

A man comes to a circus and offers to do a show: a crocodile playing piano and a hippo singing.

The show has a tremendous success and earns a load of money for the circus, so the circus owner asks the man: “Tell me there’s a trick in your show; it can’t be that the crocodile plays piano and the hippo sings for real!”

The man answers: “You’ve got me here, of course it can’t be for real. ...

Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

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The man at the bar with a crocodile.

A man ones walked into a bar with a tamed crocodile under his arm.
He sits at the bar and ofcourse gets all the attention.
He lays the croc down on the table and opens its mouth. The man then unzips his pants and lays his willy in the mouth of the crocodile and stomps the crocodile as hard as ...

Crocodiles and people

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

Science tip: You can differentiate between an alligator and a crocodile...

...by paying attention to whether it sees you later or in a while.

Did You Hear About The Egyptian Crocodile That Heard About His Wife Cheating?

He's in De-Nile

What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ?

A navigator.

This joke works better told than read. There are 15 boxes in an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

14.

*****

How do you put an elephant inside a refrigerator in 3 steps?

1. open the door
2. put the elephant in
3. close the door

*****

How do you put a giraffe inside a refrigerator in 4 steps?

1. open the door
2. remove the elep...

A Crocodile Tale

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Australia...the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond...and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with A$3 million...but if killed by the crocs...A$1 million w...

If Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter was wearing sunscreen that day he would still be alive

Sunscreen protects against harmful rays

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

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So a man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

... and the bartender tells him that he can't have a crocodile in the bar because it is a safety hazard. The man insisted that the crocodile was tame and said that he could prove it. The man proceeded to whip out his balls and place it in the crocodile's mouth. His let his balls rest in the crocodil...

What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong?

They're always in de Nile.

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One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there. When the young ladies get to the pond, they real...

A crocodile goes to the doctor..

It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction.

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, was a great man.

He died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.










[Full credit to u/Hairy_Cheeks](https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3nil7q/18ft_crocodile_named_brutus_caught_and_ate_this/cvokdmg)

What you call a crocodile covered with tortillas?

A tacodile

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An artist in a circus shows a crocodile and put his penis in its mouth.

Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"

**Edit:** Formatting, spelling, and quotation marks.

What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile?

Pretty sure you die.

(NSFW) It's been just over 10 years since we lost the Crocodile Hunter. He was a man of morals that died the same way that he lived...

With animals in his heart.

A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth.

He didn't live to tell the tail.

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?

An Alley-Gator

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What do you call a crocodile who always lies?

A croc o' shit.

Who did the crocodiles call when they found one of their own dead?

The investiGATOR

What do you call a an Egyptian crocodile who swears they live in Florida?

In da-Nile

What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past?

Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)

What's the difference between a crocodile and a toothbrush?

You can't brush your teeth with a crocodile.

A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard...

So he calls up an animal control center and asks, "I found a crocodile in my yard and I managed to get it in my truck...what should I do with it?" So the person from the animal control center says, "Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo." The following day, the animal control center...

What do you call a crocodile when it robs drinks?

Gator-raid.
<3

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