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reptilenile crocodilealligatorcrocodyluscrocodilianpredatorturtleaustraliarivergorillabirdelephantcrustaceandeerrabbit

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

what do you call Mark Zuckerberg fighting a crocodile?

Alien VS Predator!

At a crocodile farm

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal. "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million."

No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being cha...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter

....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays

What do you call a crocodile enlisted in the marines?

A navigator!

Teacher: how do you spell ‘crocodile’

Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.

Teacher: no, that’s wrong.

Kid: no, I’m right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.

How do you bid farewell to an Islamophobic Crocodile?

See ya later, Allah-hater!

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A guy with a 10 foot crocodile walks into a bar...

The bartender yells, "hey you can't bring that in here, it might bite someone!" The guy says, "ah, he's harmless, watch this," opens the croc's mouth, whips out his dick and sticks it in its mouth. He lets it there for about 5 minutes, while the crocodile just sits with its mouth open. Finally he sa...

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A rugged man and his crocodile enter a bar..

A rugged man and his crocodile enter a bar. Everyone immediately stares at the man and his crocodile that has captured their attention. He unzips his pants, hits the crocodile on the head to daze it, then puts his penis in the crocodile's mouth. Everyone looks on in horror and amazement.
...

An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"

The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."

The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country

I think they are in de Nile

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

Two crocodile themed cars were driving right behind eachother.

They were tailgators

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

A man finds a crocodile in his yard

He goes to the police station and asks, what to do with it.

Policeman: Take it to the zoo

Man: Ok

The next day the policeman notices the same man approaching him

Policeman: So, how did it go

Man: yeah, yesterday we took him to the zoo. Shal...

Some crocodiles formed a band that does parody songs.

It's a pun croc band.

What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico?

Locodrilo

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?

Because crocodooladoo is a good family name.

What do you call a crocodile that loves planning?

An alocator.

Yup.

The easiest way to distinguish between an aligator and a crocodile

Is to know whether it will see you later or in a while.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW)

GatorAIDS.

anti crocodile substances

a man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town

one day his neigbhour called the police because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets

when the police came they asked the man:" what are you pouring on the streets? "

the guy said: "i was pouring ant...

What is a crocodile’s favorite party game?

Swallow the leader!

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A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ?

**A bloody mess.**

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What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu?

A Crockashit.

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says ‘oi you get out, we don’t allow those in here’. The man replies
‘Oh no don’t worry he’s perfectly tame, look I’ll show’.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
Afte...

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The man with the crocodile.

A man walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead, and the pub owner demands that he take the crocodile outside, but the man says its fine because the crocodile is tame and does tricks.

The pub owner relents and asks the man to show him

So the man pulls down his trousers and puts his p...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

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NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference...

THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts

I’m lacoste intolerant

What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile?

Very carefully.

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The Bartender says,
"Hey, you can't have a crocodile in my bar, get him out"!
The man says,
"No, he is tame, I can prove it."
The man lifts the crocodile up as the bartender says,
"I don't care, get him out of here"!
The man sets the crocodile up onto the bar and unzips his pant...

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

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Every time I get aroused, my penis turns into a crocodile.

The doctor said I have ereptile dysfunction.

What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile?

Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.

I watched a film about a giant crocodile with erectile dysfunction....

Lake Flaccid.

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

If an alligator lives in a river and thinks he's a crocodile

There's a good chance he's in da-nile!

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In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

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The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

Are you a baby crocodile?

Cos yo momma weighs 400 pounds.

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

How much of a crocodile is green?

I don't know, but all a gator is!

What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole?

Analigator!

Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

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A cowboy enters a saloon with a living crocodile. He sits down at the bar, puts the crocodile on the bar and asks for a beer.

“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Away with that beast, that thing is dangerous!”

“Don’t be crazy,” said the cowboy, “this animal is as tame as a dog.”

“Get rid of that crocodile now,” said the bartender again, “it’s too dangerous to have a living crocodile sitting around in my bar. If yo...

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest

An investigator

Crocodiles. He hate them.

Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.

He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

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So a man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

... and the bartender tells him that he can't have a crocodile in the bar because it is a safety hazard. The man insisted that the crocodile was tame and said that he could prove it. The man proceeded to whip out his balls and place it in the crocodile's mouth. His let his balls rest in the crocodil...

Did You Hear About The Egyptian Crocodile That Heard About His Wife Cheating?

He's in De-Nile

What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

2 jokes in 1 post

What has 2 eyes and hundred teeth?

*A crocodile*


What has 2 teeth and hundred eyes?

*A bus filled with elderly*

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?

He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

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