This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

What do you call a friendly crocodile ?

An ally-gator.

What’s the difference between a alligator and a crocodile?

One sees you later the other sees you in awhile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The Bartender says,
"Hey, you can't have a crocodile in my bar, get him out"!
The man says,
"No, he is tame, I can prove it."
The man lifts the crocodile up as the bartender says,
"I don't care, get him out of here"!
The man sets the crocodile up onto the bar and unzips his pant...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another jo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my friend," Goodbye crocodile."

"See you later masturbator",was his reply

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?

An alley gator!

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A...

A man comes to a circus and offers to do a show: a crocodile playing piano and a hippo singing.

The show has a tremendous success and earns a load of money for the circus, so the circus owner asks the man: “Tell me there’s a trick in your show; it can’t be that the crocodile plays piano and the hippo sings for real!”

The man answers: “You’ve got me here, of course it can’t be for real. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old asks his 91 year old grandpa to go fishing.

Grandpa: Let's go skydiving instead.

Grandson: Aren't you afraid that something could go wrong and we could die?

Grandpa: As old as I am dying is only my third biggest fear.

Grandson: What's your second?

Grandpa: Not making the most out of the time I have left.

Th...

Why was the female crocodile disappointed in her mate?

He had a reptile dysfunction

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend, Steve the Crocodile has been having trouble mating

Ereptile Dysfunction is one cold-blooded bastard.

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

Science tip: You can differentiate between an alligator and a crocodile...

...by paying attention to whether it sees you later or in a while.

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?

He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

There's an easy way to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile.

It's a very simple technique. One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later!

Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft

But most have 4

A Crocodile Tale

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Australia...the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond...and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with A$3 million...but if killed by the crocs...A$1 million w...

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The man at the bar with a crocodile.

A man ones walked into a bar with a tamed crocodile under his arm.
He sits at the bar and ofcourse gets all the attention.
He lays the croc down on the table and opens its mouth. The man then unzips his pants and lays his willy in the mouth of the crocodile and stomps the crocodile as hard as ...

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ?

A navigator.

If Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter was wearing sunscreen that day he would still be alive

Sunscreen protects against harmful rays

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet

but most have just four.

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

This joke works better told than read. There are 15 boxes in an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

14.

*****

How do you put an elephant inside a refrigerator in 3 steps?

1. open the door
2. put the elephant in
3. close the door

*****

How do you put a giraffe inside a refrigerator in 4 steps?

1. open the door
2. remove the elep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

... and the bartender tells him that he can't have a crocodile in the bar because it is a safety hazard. The man insisted that the crocodile was tame and said that he could prove it. The man proceeded to whip out his balls and place it in the crocodile's mouth. His let his balls rest in the crocodil...

Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong?

They're always in de Nile.

What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

What you call a crocodile covered with tortillas?

A tacodile

A crocodile goes to the doctor..

It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there. When the young ladies get to the pond, they real...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar with a crocodile...

He says 'Watch this' and gets the crocodile to open its mouth. He then puts his dick in the crocodile's mouth and whacks it on the top of the head.

The crocodile just keeps his mouth open.

The man says 'Anybody else want a go?'

The place is silent. Then on old lady pipes up: 'I'...

What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile?

Pretty sure you die.

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, was a great man.

He died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.










[Full credit to u/Hairy_Cheeks](https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3nil7q/18ft_crocodile_named_brutus_caught_and_ate_this/cvokdmg)

(NSFW) It's been just over 10 years since we lost the Crocodile Hunter. He was a man of morals that died the same way that he lived...

With animals in his heart.

A man was eaten when he attempted to tell a joke directly to a crocodile's mouth.

He didn't live to tell the tail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An artist in a circus shows a crocodile and put his penis in its mouth.

Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"

**Edit:** Formatting, spelling, and quotation marks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a crocodile who always lies?

A croc o' shit.

Who did the crocodiles call when they found one of their own dead?

The investiGATOR

What do you call a lazy crocodile?

A procrastigator (I'm trash)

What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past?

Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)

A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard...

So he calls up an animal control center and asks, "I found a crocodile in my yard and I managed to get it in my truck...what should I do with it?" So the person from the animal control center says, "Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo." The following day, the animal control center...

What's the difference between a crocodile and a toothbrush?

You can't brush your teeth with a crocodile.

A couple of unemployed tough guys see a pair of crocodile shoes in a store window.

The one turns to the other and says, "Look at that price tag! I tell you there's money to be made there!"

So they spend the next 4 weeks in Florida hunting crocs. They kill several, eventually running out of bullets and resorting to a knife at first, then their bare hands.

The firs...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

Sir, are you Ok?

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a Question?

TEACHER: Yes!

STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

TEACHER: I don’t know.

STUDENT: It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

TEACHER: Ok, ask.

STUDENT: How do you put a do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walked into a bar with a small alligator...

...and walked up to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender notices him walking towards him and says, "Whoawhoawhoa, is that a crocodile?"

To which the guy responded, "Well, its an alligator, but yeah."

"That thing cannot be in here."

"Why not?"

"Well, its ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift.

He smiled and said 'Arigato'

I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lizard and the koala.

A lizard is wandering through the Australian outback one afternoon when he spots a Koala sitting in a tree.

"OI!" he calls out to the Koala, "What are you doin' up there?"

The koala looks down at the lizard, "Oh hey bro, I was just about to smoke a spliff. You can join me if you want."...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

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A bright and brash Australian,

the hunter was his name.

All those slimy reptiles

brought him wealth and fame.

Some say he was a looker,

to girls he was a dish.

He knew everything about crocodiles

But fuck all about fish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man walks into a bar (yes but not one you know.) NSFW

New york man walks into a bar in mobile alabama with a crocodile.

He walks up to the bar with the croc, and orders two drinks.

The barman takes one look at the guy. Then looks at the croc, and says get real I'm not serving that here.

The NY guy says ah don't mind him hes well ...

Jack, John and Peter was captured by tribesmen for trespassing their teritory.....

The tribe leader ordered the three guys: "Go in the forest and pick a fruit of your choice with ten pieces of it and then return here immediately"

after a couple of minutes Jack returned carrying 10 apples

Tribe leader: "here's what we will do... we will shove that 10 apples to your as...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...