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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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Every time I get aroused, my penis turns into a crocodile.

The doctor said I have ereptile dysfunction.

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NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole?

Analigator!

Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs.

It's a pun croc band.

Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says ‘oi you get out, we don’t allow those in here’. The man replies
‘Oh no don’t worry he’s perfectly tame, look I’ll show’.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
Afte...

Why do so many Egyptian crocodiles believe that the moon landings were faked?

I think a lot of them are just in denial.

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The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

A father is called into school by his son’s teacher

Sir, you must know that your son drew a fly on his bench that looked so realistic I almost broke my hand trying to swat it!

Ha, that’s nothing. This morning I went into the bathroom and he had painted a crocodile in the bathtub. You should have seen me run away through the painted door...

Let us revive and old one.

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, clo...

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austral...

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

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A cowboy enters a saloon with a living crocodile. He sits down at the bar, puts the crocodile on the bar and asks for a beer.

“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Away with that beast, that thing is dangerous!”

“Don’t be crazy,” said the cowboy, “this animal is as tame as a dog.”

“Get rid of that crocodile now,” said the bartender again, “it’s too dangerous to have a living crocodile sitting around in my bar. If yo...

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

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Post in front of a bar. Complete 3 challenges win 10000$

A man sees the post and goes in to ask the bartender about it. The challenges are simple.

1. Drink two bottles of vodka.

2. Behind the door there's a crocodile with a loose tooth. Take out the tooth.

3. There's a stubborn girl in a room upstairs. Give her an orgasm.

He...

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."

The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."

He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocod...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The Bartender says,
"Hey, you can't have a crocodile in my bar, get him out"!
The man says,
"No, he is tame, I can prove it."
The man lifts the crocodile up as the bartender says,
"I don't care, get him out of here"!
The man sets the crocodile up onto the bar and unzips his pant...

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

The barman says "You can't bring that crocodile in here, Get that fucking thing out of here, NOW!"
The man says "Watch this, he does tricks."

The man pulls out his cock and puts it in the crocodiles mouth, He has a piece of wood which he bashes the crocodile over the head with. The croco...

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a chicken?

A crock-adoodledoo

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

Crocodiles. He hate them.

Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.

He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

A list of jokes [Long]

1. There are a hundred bricks on an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

Answer: 99.

2. How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in your refrigerator?

Answer: Three--open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

3. How many steps does it take to put an e...

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest

An investigator

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

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I said to my friend," Goodbye crocodile."

"See you later masturbator",was his reply

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

What has 122 teeth and 2 eyes ?

A crocodile. What has 122 eyes and 2 teeth ? A bus full of old people.

Princess likes to date a lot of men

So when he proposed she took him to a crocodile infested lake she threw the ring in the water and said "Take it out" , so he took it out. She got really happy and said " All the other morons jumped in the lake".

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

Why was the female crocodile disappointed in her mate?

He had a reptile dysfunction

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?

He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

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Deep in the Jungle

Deep in the Jungle, a Monkey and Lizard are sitting in a tree smoking weed with some other animal friends getting stoned. After about an hour, all the animals are blitzed, laughing their asses off, and the Lizard falls from the tree. Unharmed, the lizard tells its friends above that it’s gonna grab...

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?

An alley gator!

My wife told me to get out the river because of crocodiles, I told her there aren't any crocodiles.

She said I was in denile.

A man comes to a circus and offers to do a show: a crocodile playing piano and a hippo singing.

The show has a tremendous success and earns a load of money for the circus, so the circus owner asks the man: “Tell me there’s a trick in your show; it can’t be that the crocodile plays piano and the hippo sings for real!”

The man answers: “You’ve got me here, of course it can’t be for real. ...

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

A Crocodile Tale

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Australia...the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond...and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with A$3 million...but if killed by the crocs...A$1 million w...

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The man at the bar with a crocodile.

A man ones walked into a bar with a tamed crocodile under his arm.
He sits at the bar and ofcourse gets all the attention.
He lays the croc down on the table and opens its mouth. The man then unzips his pants and lays his willy in the mouth of the crocodile and stomps the crocodile as hard as ...

What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ?

A navigator.

Did You Hear About The Egyptian Crocodile That Heard About His Wife Cheating?

He's in De-Nile

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

If Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter was wearing sunscreen that day he would still be alive

Sunscreen protects against harmful rays

What do you call a crocodile driving a BMW?

A tailgator.

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, was a great man.

He died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.










[Full credit to u/Hairy_Cheeks](https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3nil7q/18ft_crocodile_named_brutus_caught_and_ate_this/cvokdmg)

Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

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So a man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

... and the bartender tells him that he can't have a crocodile in the bar because it is a safety hazard. The man insisted that the crocodile was tame and said that he could prove it. The man proceeded to whip out his balls and place it in the crocodile's mouth. His let his balls rest in the crocodil...

A man comes up to me, a waiter for a restaurant.

'' a crocodile sandwich, please, '' he says '' and make it snappy. ''

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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

Why won't Egyptian Crocodiles accept the truth?

Because they're in De Nile.

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An artist in a circus shows a crocodile and put his penis in its mouth.

Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"

**Edit:** Formatting, spelling, and quotation marks.

What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile?

Pretty sure you die.

What do you call a lazy crocodile?

A procrastigator (I'm trash)

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A pirate walks into a bar

He hobbles up to the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks him over and can't help but wonder if this man is really a full blown pirate. So, the bartender asks him, "Where did you get that peg leg"

The pirate replies," Argggg, I fell off me ship, and a crocodile bit me leg o...

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One African immigrant works as a street cleaner

He hates his job. People disrespect him. A friend of him, working as him, coming from the same village, tells him to quit. The guy refuses, says he has a family to take care and keeps cleaning.


His friend tells him to stop and to look at the shop. He sees some crocodile leather shoes sold...

What you call a crocodile covered with tortillas?

A tacodile

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