The easiest way to distinguish between an aligator and a crocodile

Is to know whether it will see you later or in a while.

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

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A rugged man and his crocodile enter a bar..

A rugged man and his crocodile enter a bar. Everyone immediately stares at the man and his crocodile that has captured their attention. He unzips his pants, hits the crocodile on the head to daze it, then puts his penis in the crocodile's mouth. Everyone looks on in horror and amazement.
...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-va...

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

Some crocodiles formed a band that does parody songs.

It's a pun croc band.

A man finds a crocodile in his yard

He goes to the police station and asks, what to do with it.

Policeman: Take it to the zoo

Man: Ok

The next day the policeman notices the same man approaching him

Policeman: So, how did it go

Man: yeah, yesterday we took him to the zoo. Shal...

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

What was the most rampant STD in the crocodile community in the 1980s? (NSFW)

GatorAIDS.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

How can you tell an alligator from a crocodile?

One says “see you later” while the other says “after ‘while”.

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What do you call a homosexual crocodile?

A Gaytor

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico?

Locodrilo

What do you call a sports beverage drinking crocodile who works as an in home nurse?

A Gator-Aid!

What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ?

**A bloody mess.**

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

anti crocodile substances

a man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town

one day his neigbhour called the police because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets

when the police came they asked the man:" what are you pouring on the streets? "

the guy said: "i was pouring ant...

What is a crocodile’s favorite party game?

Swallow the leader!

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

Bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...

What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile?

Very carefully.

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What do you get when you combine a Crocodile and a Shitzu?

A Crockashit.

What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile?

Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.

That’s not a Crocodile Dundee reference...

THIS is a Crocodile Dundee reference.

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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says ‘oi you get out, we don’t allow those in here’. The man replies
‘Oh no don’t worry he’s perfectly tame, look I’ll show’.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
Afte...

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

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NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

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Every time I get aroused, my penis turns into a crocodile.

The doctor said I have ereptile dysfunction.

If an alligator lives in a river and thinks he's a crocodile

There's a good chance he's in da-nile!

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The Bartender says,
"Hey, you can't have a crocodile in my bar, get him out"!
The man says,
"No, he is tame, I can prove it."
The man lifts the crocodile up as the bartender says,
"I don't care, get him out of here"!
The man sets the crocodile up onto the bar and unzips his pant...

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The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

What do you call a crocodile on drugs?

You call it a crackodile. (I’m sorry)

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

Are you a baby crocodile?

Cos yo momma weighs 400 pounds.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

I saw a crocodile the other day, but thankfully it only eats cheese.

It's an alligrater.

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A cowboy enters a saloon with a living crocodile. He sits down at the bar, puts the crocodile on the bar and asks for a beer.

“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Away with that beast, that thing is dangerous!”

“Don’t be crazy,” said the cowboy, “this animal is as tame as a dog.”

“Get rid of that crocodile now,” said the bartender again, “it’s too dangerous to have a living crocodile sitting around in my bar. If yo...

Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

On their last day, a group of tourists traveling around Australia decide to go to a souvenir shop.

Everyone’s shopping for cool stuff until one lady stops and wonders why two absolutely identical wallets cost $100 and $1000 respectively. To which the owner replies, “They may look identical to you, Madam, but the 100-dollar wallet is made of crocodile skin, whereas the 1000-dollar one is made of c...

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."

The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."

He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocod...

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

What do you call a person who loves crocodiles?

A crocophile.

Came up with that one while at the science museum, wife gave a groin and shook her head.

Crocodiles. He hate them.

Ever since his father was killed by a crocodile, my cousin couldn't stand the sight of crocodiles. Whether its TV, in pictures or even stuffed animals.

He can't even stand the crocodile on brand logos. He's just become very Lacost-intolerant.

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest

An investigator

Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?

He ate 6 crocodiles before the rescuers could get him out.

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

So a African king calls all the men from his kingdom

And he says who ever can cross this river will take my daughters hand in marriage. The river had piranhas,crocodiles, and snakes in it. The men looked at each other and the king says do none of you want to marry my daughter?

Does no-one want to be rich and be the next king? All of a sudden t...

BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond

17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

What do you call a crocodile that will only eat sacrificed lambs?

A Halalligator.

Why did the alligator and crocodile leave the olympics so upset?

They both cayman last.

What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ?

A navigator.

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

A man comes to a circus and offers to do a show: a crocodile playing piano and a hippo singing.

The show has a tremendous success and earns a load of money for the circus, so the circus owner asks the man: “Tell me there’s a trick in your show; it can’t be that the crocodile plays piano and the hippo sings for real!”

The man answers: “You’ve got me here, of course it can’t be for real. ...

Did You Hear About The Egyptian Crocodile That Heard About His Wife Cheating?

He's in De-Nile

My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

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So a man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

... and the bartender tells him that he can't have a crocodile in the bar because it is a safety hazard. The man insisted that the crocodile was tame and said that he could prove it. The man proceeded to whip out his balls and place it in the crocodile's mouth. His let his balls rest in the crocodil...

What are the two biggest differences between an alligator and a crocodile?

The spelling and pronunciation.

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

Student: Sir! Can I ask you a question?

TEACHER: Yes!

STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

TEACHER: I don't know.

STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

TEACHER: Ok, ask.

STUDENT: How to put a donkey inside the fridge?

TEACHER: It's eas...

Why can Egyptian crocodiles never admit when they are wrong?

They're always in de Nile.

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

There's an easy way to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile.

It's a very simple technique. One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later!

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An artist in a circus shows a crocodile and put his penis in its mouth.

Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"

**Edit:** Formatting, spelling, and quotation marks.

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

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