UPJOKE
lionleopardtigerpetcarnivorejaguarbig catkittenfurfelinecheetahmammalgenusratrabbit

A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans. The dog says, "Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more."

The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know."

I accidentally ate my cat's food last night

Don't ask meow

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, trois had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, trois cat sank.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not..

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

"Me-ow."

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

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A cat walks into a bar.

He’s having a bad day. He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender puts it on the counter and the cat slowly nudges the shot glass onto the floor breaking the shot glass. The cat looks up at the bartender and says leave the bottle. I’m not done yet.

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What do you call an angry but thankful japanese Cat?

Domo Aggrocato

What's the difference between a cat and a semicolon?

One is a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the ends of its paws.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

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A man finds a dead cat and calls the city

Man: I found a dead cat

Operator: oh no! Are you sure it's dead?

M: Yes, I pissed in its ear and it didn't move

O: You what?!

M: I pissed in its ear

O: Why on earth would you do that??

M: Well, I heard that if you go "pss pss pss" in a cat's ear they should ...

the US navy intercepted russian intelligence on cats

It described training tactics on how to use cats to pilot miniature sub marines. Thus the US started training dogs to counter such a tactic. These dogs were called sub woofers.

One day the family cat dies

The daughter is traumatised because the cat was found on the floor, on its back, with its legs in the air. She asks "Why is she like this?"

The quick-thinking father says "Umm, it's so that Jesus can come down and carry her up to heaven". The daughter seems to accept this explanation and feel...

What happens if you take cat hormones?

You get fur balls

My brothers cat

I was looking after my brothers cat when he called me to see how she was.

Me: She’s dead.

Brother: OMG, you don’t break bad news like that!

Me: How, then?

Brother: You say that you’re afraid you have bad news. Your cat escaped outside, and chased a possum up onto the roof...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

Time to change careers. This cat burglar thing isn't working out.

Too many friggin' scratches.

What do a cat on the beach and Christmas have in common?

They both have sandy claws

Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it’s always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

Why aren't cats allowed in astrophysics

It'd be a catastrophe

My cat is ill and the vet has suggested he might have drank sparkling soda water.

They say he's catatonic.

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People always rant about their dogs or cats

BUT THE SECOND I TALK ABOUT MY COCK

How can you tell if your cat is a Mormon?

He has nine wives…

Looking back, I now realise how cruel I was, as a child, making our cat play with one of the goldfish.

He nearly drowned

Drunk: "Hey, Louie! The cat that's coming in the window only has one eye!"

Louie: "The cat's leaving."

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet...

... The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat?

He's wanted dead and alive.

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Two retired cat burglars are sharing a pint in the pub, telling old stories about the craziest things they did.

"One time," said old Gregg, "I got so close to the Millenium Diamond that I could've carved my initials on it, I could've nicked it but I had to leave it be or I'd get caught. Had to take something they wouldn't notice, you know?"

"Not bad," said old Mick, "but one time I got into Windsor and...

I call my cat that keeps escaping “Rasputin”

He was a cat that really was gone.

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A man walks into the emergency room and tells the doctor that there’s a cat stuck in his ass

The doctor removes it and sends the man home. A day later he returns to the emergency room with a different cat stuck in his ass. The doctor removes it and sends him home. The next day he walks back into the emergency room with another cat stuck in his ass. At this point the doctor has had enough an...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

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What’s a cat’s favorite part of a video game?

The PAWS button!

I created a new unit of measure for the distance between you and the nearest large, predatory cat. It's called a weem.

Used in a sentence, "That lion is a weem away"

A weem away
A weem away

When women get to a certain age, they begin to collect cats…

It’s called Manypaws.

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

I have cat-like reflexes.

When I see a cat, I instantly like it.

What does adopting a cat and being homeless have in common?

Getting your pick of the litter

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation....

and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntl...

Did you know cats can jump higher than houses?

It's due to they way their hind legs are built and they can generate so much forced with them and also because house can't jump.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.]

Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?

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Got myself a trophy of a cat's butt.

It is a catastrophe.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and then gave you another one, how many would you ...

My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry, I mean the one about the guy with 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor...

Cats are better than dogs

No way would a cat ever work with the cops.

What do you call an area where a cat lives alone?

Catalonia

Where do you find a Himalayan cat?

You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and the cat ran out into the street and got hit by a car and killed.

When he guy called his friend the next day to check up on the cat the friend said "Oh, the cat's dead. Got hi...

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in

St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

Whats a cat's favorite cereal??

Mice Crispies

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You probably saw our posters

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind along with the CAT.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually...

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

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Little Johnny....

Mr Wilkins stepped out into his back yard, and heard sobbing sounds coming from over the fence next door.

Curious, he looked over and saw young Johnny, eyes puffed up and tear stains on his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with his plastic spade.

"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inq...

What kind of game system does a cat play?

Ps ps ps ps ps

Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?

They got caught up in a purramid scheme.

A brunet, a redhead, and a blond are trying to break out of the prison...

It took them weeks to find a weak spot on the wall where they could climb over in the middle of the night. After waiting for a cloudy, moonless night, they are finally ready to escape.

As the brunet climbs over the top of the wall, she makes a little bit of noise, and one prison guard asks an...

What's is a cat's favorite food?

chipspspspspsps

What do you call a cat with 8 heads?

An octopuss

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

There was once a cat with 16 lives.

A 4x4 passed by and killed it.

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My friend managed to fool me into volunteering in a cat shelter.

He said there was a lot of pussies I could play with.

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Having cats is kinda like being Louis CK ..

.. you always have an audience to masturbate to.

Did you hear about the cat that got cast in Richard III?

Meow is the winter of his discontent.

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They say "it's raining cats and dogs"...

but I still can never seem to get myself any pussies or bitches

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

How do you know if a jungle cat is telling the truth?

Well, if it's a lion, you can tell right away.

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Little Billy.

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in it's ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what? screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn...

had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers

Why should you be nice to cats and dogs?

So you are not the target of pet-y revenge.

I saw a book on obedience training for cats…

It was in the fairy-tails section.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

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Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.

After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.

She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s d...

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I think my roommate wants to kick me out.

Therapist: "You're single, and live alone with your cat?"

Me: "Yeah, but I can tell she's done putting up with all my mental health
issues."

What was the cat arrested for?

Charges of purr-jury

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A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish, why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

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jokes

**A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell... -** The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses: "Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat." His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says: ...

Kitty

A cat walks into a bar and orders coffee. The waiter is speechless and seeing this, the cat asks:

\- Is anything the matter?

\- Well, yeah.. you're a cat.

\- So?

\- You can talk..

\- I fail to see the problem. Please get me my order.

\- Right away, it's just...

Why did the two big cats get a divorce?

Because one was lion and the other was a cheetah

My cat is a Communist.

Because everytime I see him, he says 'Mao'.

What language do cats speak?

Purrsian

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The little fire fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat....

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said, "See... here is the monkey of the jungle."

His wife, laughing, said, "That's a CAT ..."

He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

Locked out of the house.

I stepped out to feed the cat at 5am while everyone was still fast asleep. The door shut and locked me outside. I tried calling the wife multiple times with no answer. I tried taping on her window, banging on her window, tapping on my sons window, banging on his window, and lastly the doorbell. This...

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-Johnny you can't bring your cat to the school you're gonna be in trouble for it

\-I know but I can't leave it at home

\-why ?

\-I heard my dad talking to my mum and said : "once the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy"

We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

Where do people go to learn about what cats sounded like through history?

The mewseum.

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

Joe's cat.

One day joe walks into his living room and sees that his cat has gone into labor, he quickly scoops her up and takes her to the vet. After waiting for around an hour the vet comes out and says "I'm sorry sir but your cat had a miscarriage" Shocked, Joe stands up and says "are you joking!?" to witch ...

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