Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

I’m like a cat when it comes to kids

I don’t really enjoy the product

But I love playing with the box it came out of.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowtain

Schrodinger: "We won't know the cat is dead or alive until we open the box."

The box :"Meow."

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.

Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.

Why was PETA against sending cats to Mars?

They heard about what curiosity did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum

Arse miaou

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.

The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.

The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.

The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.

The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky d...

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

Why did the cat get fined?

Because he was caught littering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do cats from the Australian outback say?

Meow. What did you expect? It's a fucking cat.

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

My damn cat kept me up until 4:00 AM videoconferencing with his friends!

He had the Zoomies!

What did the cat reply with when their friend sent them a meme?

Lmeow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between cat shit and human shit?

That's not cat shit running down my leg right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do I call my cat doctor?

My pussy's vet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

Why do cats have nine lives?

Because God knew that one lifetime was not enough time to produce enough cute cat pics.

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water

They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux Trois". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. Af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Robin Barron lets the Cat ouf of the Bag

The Robin Barron raises a motion to prohibiting the riff raff hunting worms.

Now the cat is out of the bag.

Hunger drives the Pigeonlatariate to call for state regulation of the bird feeder.

The Black Birdgeosisie pontificate on the mobs of raucous Gold Pinchers fouling up the w...

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.

I only have a nine iron but i still got it over the shed

Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife

They were his Catlery

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

Have you heard the saying "Raining Cats & Frogs"?

Don't make fun of my lisp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on vacation and leaves his neighbor to watch his cat

The man comes back home and his neighbor meets him at the door.

"Dude, your cat got hit by a car and died while you were gone."

The man is distraught, "man, you can't just drop a bomb straight up like that! You've gotta soften the blow!"

"Soften it how," the neighbor asks.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

They were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, k...

Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!

Cats or dogs?

Looking to try a new recipe.

How do you know it's raining cats and dogs?

When you walk outside and step in a poodle.

I hit a cat today by accident

But then I kept swinging the hammer

Why should every starter house come with a cat?

Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”

What's the difference between a Cat and a Fleshlight?

If you've clicked into this to find out, then you really shouldn't have a cat.

My cat peed on my brand new expensive backpack so I had to throw it away.

I’ll miss you, Fluffy.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

Colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat.

Don’t ask meow

Why do cats always get their way?

They are very purr-suasive!

What is a cats favorite color?

Purrple

What do you call a queue of cats at the bank?

A feline

What's a cat that speaks all cat languages called?

A meow-it-all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny takes his cat to school...

Mrs. Chadwick asked Johnny, “why did you bring your cat to school today?”

Johnny replied, “Because I heard my dad saying he would eat that pussy up when the kids leave for school.”

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

What’s the difference between a depressed criminal and a cat cutting down a gumtree with a chainsaw?

One’s a felon feeling glum, and the other is a feline felling gum.

Did you hear about the time a cat got into a mousehole?

Casualties were **cat**astrophic.

Cat Calls

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is ...

Before our marriage when my wife told me that she’s a cat person, I should have realized that...

..... for the rest of my life she’s gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.

"I've already seen that" I said to my girlfriend as she is showing me a funny cat picture. I lean in and say...

"I'm a pro-redditer... A predditer"

I gave the cat a bath last week..

I still can't taste anything.

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

I ran over my neighbor's cat the ither day..

And I felt really bad about it so I told her that I will replace her cat. She said "that's all well and good but how are you at catching mice?"

I went out late at night to call my cat.

And now I really regret naming him Batman. The neighbors are looking concerned.

There are two cats named One Two Three and Un Deux Trois

The two cats come to a river, only one survives the crossing. Which one survived?
One Two Three because the Un Deux Trois quatre cinq.

How do cats send message across the internet?

They e-meow each other

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of the fly and the cat (NSFW)

A fly is hovering six inches above a lake. What the fly doesn't know is there's a fish watching him, and the fish says "If that fly drops 6 inches I've got me a pretty good meal".

What the fish doesn't know is there's a bear watching him and that bear says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s common between owning a cat and voting?

Checking a box for a piece of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cats Can Stutter

A teacher is having a discussion with her third grade class: "Human beings are the only animals that can stutter" she said.

A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered" the little girl said.

The teacher knowing how cute some of these stories could be, asked the gir...

What do you call the cat mail delivery service?

UPSpspspsps

Why can't you read cat poetry to children?

It's all purr-verse.

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

What is cat's favorite federal program?

war on dawgs

Talking to cats

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

I don't understand why cats climb Christmas trees...

they should be afraid of the BARK.

Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar.

Or did it?

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

2 cats are at the English Channel.

An English cat and the French Cat decide they want to cross the channel. The English cat psyches himself up, says “One... Two... Three” jumps in the water and swims across.

The French cat decides to imitate the English cat. “Un... Deux... Trois...” Cat sank.

They say that curiosity kills the cat.

My childhood memories are ruined, now that i realized that Curious George is a cat killer

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

I asked a librarian if they had a book about pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat...

They said it rang a bell, but wasn't sure if it was there or not

How should you send a cat a letter?

With USPSpspspsps

Have you heard that PlayStation are releasing a console for cats?

It's called the PSpspspspspsps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

A cat walks into a doctors office.

The doctor says "What's wrong?”
The cat says "Meow.”
The doctor replies “I know, but where?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caught myself talking to my cat and felt really dumb.

totally forgot that I'm pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

What language do cats speak?

Purrsian.

I used to be a cat person

But goddamn dogs taste so much better

I took my cat in to get neutered today.

You think I'm taking this no nut November thing to seriously?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

What does the hardworking cat say?

Nothing stresses meowt.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language)

A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".

The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do when your kitten poops?

Catch it.

What do you call a cat on the beach?

Sandy Claws. Happy holidays everyone.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

What do cats call their human form?

Their purr-sona.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

They broke into the policeman's house

Three guys broke into the policeman's house, but the policeman arrived home. The burglars got scared and they hid in three huge bags they had found. The policeman got suspicious. He kicked the first bag. Meow - replied the bag. Ok, that's just the cat. Then the policeman kicked the second bag. Woof...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat.

We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a small cat?

A pocket pussy

What's the worst cat to have on your lap?

Probably a bulldozer

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to buy bagels for her coworkers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we's out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is there a word for female dog but no word for female cat?

Because all cats are bitches

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog asks a cat : Why do u always hide when having sex ????????

Cat replies: You want people to steal my style like they stole yours?, NEVER!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rooster and cat got into a fight...

...on a bridge. The cat pounced and the rooster ducked resulting in her falling into the river. The rooster rushed to save the cat. Why?

Because a cock loves a wet pussy.

So there is this video where they say people hate cats..

It's an informative dogumentary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.