I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

I asked a librarian for a book on Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's dog

She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

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A dog asks a cat : Why do u always hide when having sex ????????

Cat replies: You want people to steal my style like they stole yours?, NEVER!!!!

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A chicken was walking along a river and noticed a cat

The cat slipped and fell into the river and the chicken couldn’t stop laughing.

Moral of the story: A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

I had 3 French cats. The three are named un, and deux who could swim,

but, my trois cat sank.

Why must you be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle.

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

The Cow goes "Moooo". The Cat goes "Meow". The Pig goes "Oink".

The Dog goes "Ed-war....do"





(ik it's old but can't help it)

I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave.

They reduced meowers.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

I feel bad for Schrodinger's cat

But at the same time I don't

Yesterday i saw my neighbor talking with a cat and i thought that he was strange

After I came from work I told my dog about it
and we both laughed at it

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

So I tried cat for the first time yesterday

Just kitten

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget.

You get two for the price of one.

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.

Did you hear the cat's inappropriate joke?

[remewved]

Why are cats afraid of space?

Because it's a vacuum.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws, the other has its pause at the end of its clause.

Why are cats better pets than dogs?

You don't hear about cats collaborating with the police.

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

What do you call a pile of cats ?

A Meowntain !

A dyslexic atheist always preferred cats.

He didn't have a dog.

What’s a cat’s favorite color?

Purrrrple.


OC from my 6yo.

What does a cat need to drive a car?

A purrmit :3

Three cats were racing across a lake

They were named OneTwoThree, UnDeuxTrois, and UnoDosTres. OneTwoThree won, UnoDosTres got second, but UnDeuxTrois was nowhere to be found.

Because the UnDeuxTrois quatre cinq.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

My cat is such a tease...

He likes to play hard to pet.

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What did the cats butt say to the dogs butt?

Nothing, butts don't talk!

My cat always sits in his box. I told him to be more creative and find himself another place.

He just can't think out of the box.

cats

There's a new dating app for cats in Prague...

it's called Czech Meowt

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A zoophile, a sadist, a masochist and a pyromaniac cross path with a cat

the zoophile : i want to fuck it !


the sadist : i want to hurt it !

the pyromaniac : i want to set it on fire !

the masochist : meow !

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

Scrodinger's cat walks into a bar.

And doesn't.

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

Who is the patron saint of homeless dogs and cats?

St. Ray

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

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What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

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One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

A man has a booth at a fair with a talking cat...

A woman walks up and asks, "Can your cat really talk?"

The man turns to the cat and asks, "Which leader is attributed to the most deaths in human history?"

The cat says, "Mao."

The woman, who is annoyed by this ruse, walks away.

The cat turns to the man and asks, "Should...

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

The Spanish word for 'cat' is 'gato'.



In China they pronounce it 'gateau'.

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

What did the cat say when it hurt its leg?

Me-ow.

My cat is really fat and chubby

Most people would call her “fubby” but french people would call her “chat”

I woke up this morning and found id turned into a cat.

Don’t ask meow

How many species of wild cat are there?

I don't have an exact number, but there's an ocelot of them.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies

A man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat.

And just to be sure, he asked his next-door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. “No problem,” said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days he called the neighbor and asked how things were going.
“Well,” the neighbor sa...

I bought a very expensive cat that purportedly performed a whole bag of tricks. When I took it home,all it did was stand on it’s hind legs just staring at me,for hours on end

All that money for a mere cat

how does a chinese cat say hello

mi how

The Talking Cat (Original)

Two French brothers are out fishing when one hooks something on his line. After a lot of huffing and puffing by the two of them, they pull up a small wooden chest. They open it, and inside there is a small tabby cat with a note that says "This is a magical talking cat. Please take care of him."...

What's a cats favorite streaming service?

MeowTV

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

Did you know cats don't always land on their feet.

People just suck at throwing them.

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around drinking beer and complaining about their owners...

The cat says "I'm sick of my owner making me shit in a box, it's degrading."

The dog says "That's nothing, do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to shit outside?"

The penis says "You guys both have it easy! My owner puts a plastic bag on me head and makes me do sit-ups 'till I pu...

What did one Witch's cat say to the other

"You look familiar"

What do you call a cat you get for Christmas?

Santa Claws

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately."

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately." 'Sure.' says the vet. 'First things first, Is it a Tom?' "Nah" he replies "I've got it 'ere wi me"

If you hang the wrong side of a cat as a trophy on your wall

It would be a catastrophe

Did you hear about the cat that died in Berlin?

It had nein lives.

I put a flannel on my cat

Now it’s a Plaid-a-puss

Where do cats go when all nine lives are up?

Purrgatory!


Ps: this joke works in French, Spanish, and Italian, as far as I’m aware.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

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Heard girls like it when guys kill cats

Those guys slay more pussy than I ever will

My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.

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A cat and a female dog walk into a bar

And they each order an Appletini. The bartender looks at them and says ‘you know only pussies and bitches order that kind of drink’.

I think my cat has chronic pain....

He keeps saying “me ow”

There was a competition between an American cat and a French cat...

There once was a peculiar cat named "one-two-three" cat. One-two-three cat was from the streets of New York. In Calais (french city), there was another cat named "un-deux-trois" cat. One day, the people of US decided to have a competition of "best cat" the the French. They decided that the best cat ...

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What do Johnny Bravo and a crazy cat lady have in common?

They are both addicted to pussies.

An Englishman named "One-two-three" and a Frenchman named "Un-deux-trios" challenged each other to see whose cat could swim across the Channel first...

After a grueling competition, One-two-three won after Un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

What happens if you mix a cat and a grenade

Caboom

Your cat climbed up a tree

One day, my girlfriend went on a trip and left me in charge of her cat.


Two days later, the cat ran away from home and was hit by a car, dying on the spot.
I called my girlfriend and gave her the news:


\- Hello Darling. Your cat is dead.


She burst into te...

How many lives does a cat have left after it loses its ninth life?

Nein lives

What do cats think when they feel scared?

Get meow'ta here

I’m so sad, I had to put my cat down today.

My arms were getting tired.

Did you know there used to be a cat on Mars?

Yeah, till Curiosity killed it.

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, ...

Cat scan

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

So I decided to name my cat sox.

to be fair I started with two cats but lost one in the wash.

As a cat, I'm overfed, over pampered, and spoiled rotten...

And I deserve much better than this!

What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie?

A blue-purr.

Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.

A big cat escaped from its enclosure at the zoo yesterday.

Almost made me puma pants.

My cat loves to step on my keyboard

Hmckfykfkufjthfidrbsxjhcktsrg chdrgqbg
Ftgangg r Jr temvzdv. If MT c
Bzzca v CD gen dmath

What's the difference between a roommate and a cat?

One has a house mate, and the other has a mouse hate.

Sick chihuahua

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some med...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum

[Bartender pours it]

[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]

Cat: Another.

A cat dies and goes to heaven...

God meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.

The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.

God says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a...

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Teacher: Why is your cat in class today?

Student: Because i heard my dad tell my mom, "i'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today".

My cat’s favourite opera song?

O fortuna. (Oh-for-tuna)
From Carmina Burana by Carl Orff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

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Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

What do Schrodinger's cat and Kim Jong-un have in common?

They're both alive and dead until you see them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

L‌‌ittle 8‌‌ y‌‌ear o‌‌ld S‌‌usie i‌‌s i‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ack y‌‌ard d‌‌igging a‌‌ h‌‌ole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says, "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the ...

There once were three cats in a swimming race across a lake...

The first cat’s name was “One Two Three.”
The second cat’s name was “Uno Dos Tres.”
The third cat’s name was “Un Deux Trois.”

The official fired his revolver and the cats began swimming across the lake!

The first cat to make it across the lake was Uno Dos Tres!

The second ...

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

A man got a cat

A man got a cat and walked to his wife and said "so what do you think of the cow ?" His wife said that's a cat. The man said "shh I'm talking to the cat"

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I just bought a pet cat and named it Sam.

My friend asked me what Sam is short for.

I said, "Because he's a cat, you dumbass."

Cat puns really freak meowt

I am not Kitten.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand

To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener

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