My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

Cat puns

Freak meowt.

I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

What do you call a cat that’s iron man?

Feline

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

(My kids’ joke) What did the cat say when it got scratched?

Meowch

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

Why did the cat fall down the well?

Because the cat didn't see that well.

Do you want to hear a joke about cats?

Just kitten.

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

I accidentally took my cats medication today.

Don't ask me'ow I did it

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

What Do You Call a Cat Afraid of Math?

A squaredycat.

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain


My daughter's joke.

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

How do you make a cat say "woof"?

Douse it in gasoline and light it


*woof*

How does a cat land on its feet and fit through small places?

Mew-tonian physics.

Did you know that cats can jump higher than houses?

This is largely due to the fact that houses can't jump.

It’s raining cats and dogs!

I stepped in a poodle.

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

My cat and I were watching TV when suddendly it scratched me.

Just because i pressed paws.

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

cat race

There was a cat race

The cats were

1. one two three, an American cat
2. uno dos tres, A Spanish cat
3. une deux trois, A French cat

The three cats were in a water race, whoever gets to the end of the lake first, wins. the results came in and...

The American cat c...

What happens when three French cats get into a boat that was only meant for two?

Un deux trois quatre cinq!

I know people say dogs are smarter than cats

But cats don't tell the police where you hid your drugs.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

What does a cat with a lisp catch?

A mouth.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

There once was a princess who lived alone with her cat in a castle.

Being her only companion, she loved the cat very much. Little did she know, the cat was actually a handsome prince that had be cursed to live his life as a feline.

Seeing how much the princess loved the cat, the witch that had cursed him turned him back into a handsome prince, so he could spe...

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

Two cats are sitting on the roof. Which cat will fall off first?

The cat with the smaller [mu](https://www.britannica.com/science/coefficient-of-friction)!

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

My girlfriend always yells at me when I let the cat out of the bag

"STOP PUTTING MY CAT IN BAGS!"

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Why'd they throw the cat in prison?

It was caught looking at kitty porn

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My cat ate a sausage...

I guess it's inside my pussy.

Where do Hispanic cats go when they die?

Purrgato

Did you hear about the Cat that won the best dog contest?

It was a cat-has-trophy.

Airplane Pilot flies with his Cat

There's an old pilot with a little 2-seat plane who loves flying alone with his cat, & goes on all sorts of adventures together.

One day during a flight, he starts experiencing engine trouble, & declares an emergency:

"Mayday, Mayday, engine failure."

After some communic...

What do cats eat for breakfast?

Meowsli

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

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I seriously hate cat calling

The fucking cat never comes home when I call.

Im in a band called "Missing Cat"

You've probably seen our posters...

Why does nobody trust big cats?

Because they're always lion

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar

Schrödinger's cat doesn't walks into a bar.

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

I had to put my cat down today.

She's overweight and my arms were getting tired.

Why Can't Cats Go To Space?

They're afraid of the vacuum.

What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts?

Purrkour

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

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What do cats and women have in common?

They both fucking hate me

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

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My cat won in a competition for having the best butt

Its a catastrophe

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

Schrodinger's Cat jokes are the best

...and also the worst.

What do cats have for dessert?

Mice Crispies

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

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Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

How do you call a cats personal space?

It's his own catmosphere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

I don't have any jokes about large cats

If I said I did, I'd be "lion"

Why do cats like to step on computer keyboards?

jfjkl;fdasljki;l nkfskllkteqjpteqjwtjokkkkkkkllllll..

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you more of a Dog or Cat people?

I'm more of a bird people, preferably seared in garlic butter.

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?

An octo-puss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

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NSFW: what do The PJ Masks ‘Gecko’ and ‘Cat Boy’ use to clean up after sex?

A moist Owlette.

My dog loves to hump my cat

He’s a real purrrrvert

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

Sad Schrodinger's cat be like

I am alive but I am dead inside.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophi...

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

What is a cat's favorite island?

Meowi

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Our street is full of cat shit.

Litter alley.

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My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

How do cannibals like their cats?

r/aww

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.

He just looked at me and said Mao.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

How did one-two-three cat beat un-deux-trois cat in their boat race?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Did you know cats can memorize up to 120 commands?

They just don't want to.

Cat died

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and does...

I was playing games on my pc and my cat kept jumping onto my desk.

I had to put him down.

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

When older women begin accumulating cats...

It's called "many paws".

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

Holding a gun in each tentacle, the octopus glared menacingly at the cat. The feline, however, chuckled and purred...

"You're one short, pal."

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

Cats vs Dogs

Dogs: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. You must be God.

Cats: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. I must be God.

I’m definitely not going to watch the new Cats movie.

I hate meowsicals.

Did you hear about the Catholic cat?

He got stuck in purrrgatory.

A cat goes to the opthalmologist because he's having trouble seeing things.

The doctor checks his eyes.
Cat - "What is it doctor?"
Doctor - "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Cat-aracts"

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

Everytime I put food for my cat I almost puke,

This time it really became a cat-astrophy.

What's the difference between a cat burglar and a cat fish

A cat burglar will steal all your stuff but a cat fish will steal all your dignity.

I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

What do you call a cat that you wear on your wrist?

Aristocrat

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

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