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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are at a mental institution.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”

The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”

The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”

The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”

The pyromaniac says, ...

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

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I went to visit my mum yesterday and noticed her cat wasn't around.

"Where's old Ginger?" I asked.

"He's gone to Pussy Heaven" she sniffed.

"Wow!" I said, "I was there last night, I didn't know he was a member."

Why did the cat get divorced?

He was a cheetah.

Everyone's heard of Schrodinger's cat, but have you heard of Doppler's cat

mmmmmeeeeEEEEEOOOOWwwwww

What does an Anti-Vax kid and a Vegan Cat have in common

They're both doomed to die

What’s the difference between starving a child and starving your cat?

Your cat is going to eat you!

How is a Catholic 6-year old different from a vegan cat?

While we all know who's making that
decision, at least one of the two won't have meat forced into their mouth.

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What do you call a cat in a blender?

Pussy juice.

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

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I'm thinking of creating a Japanese-Spanish fusion cat cafe.

I'd call it Arigato.

Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn’t flat?

Cats would’ve pushed everything off the edge by now.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all!

I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat

She asked " is it bad"

I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

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in the ocean, if a seahorse is a horse and a catfish is a cat....

then that must mean a blowfish is a whore

There was a stray cat in my driveway this morning, it meowed at me so I meowed back...

...now I'm nervous because I'm not sure what I agreed to.

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

I named my cat Christian ...

...because it was grey.

I got a new cat yesterday and have decided to name it Brexit

He always meows loudly to be let out but when I open the door, he refuses to go through it.

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Cat's presents

A few days ago a bird flew into my window-
Yesterday my cat dropped the same dead bird at my feet.

I knew that bastard was lazy.

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A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

Johnny is looking after the cat while Mom and Dad are on vacation

After being away a few days, Mom calls Johnny to check in :

Mom: "Hi Johnny, how's the cat?"

Johnny: "I'm really sorry Mom, but she died."

She was very upset and angry at this news and she said to Johnny:

"That's a horrible way of breaking such news! Why couldn't you have...

A schrodriger cat walks in a bar...

and it doesn't.

I threw a fig newton at my buddy's straw cat he made for art class

It was a cat o' straw-fig failure

I ran over my neighbours cat

I went to the door. "I'm very sorry ma'am but I have run over your cat. I would like to replace it for you"

She replied "that's ok. How good are you at catching mice"?

Two cats are walking across the ice. One of them is named one-two-three and the other one is named un-deux-trois. Which one made it across?

The one-two-three cat, because the un-deux-trois quatre sinq

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

What do you call a prehistoric striped cat with a bluetooth headset?

A cybertoothed tiger

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

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Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

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A cat and a rooster sitting on the lake shore...

The cat falls into the lake and the rooster starts laughing hysterically.


Morale of the story:


When there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock also

What do you call a crossover between a dog and a cat?

If you thought it's Cog, it's exactly Dat.

You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat?

He didn’t believe in dog.

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

I found a radioactive cat.

It had 18 half-lifes.

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

What did the Chinese, anti-imperialist cat say?

Mao

Is "Schrodinger's Cat" meme dead or alive?

I'm afraid to look.

Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"?

Because she liked to put it in the microwave.

People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

Two cats are walking through a desert..

..after a long while one of them turns and says, "Dude, I don't get this litter box".

A physicist got home after a long day at work

When his 9 year-old daughter was crying.He asked her what she was crying about

"The cat is dying dad!"-Said the daughter while she was petting the old cat

So the physicist went to the back of the house,picked up a carton box,putted the cat in the box and sealed.Then he turned to his da...

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

I worked up the courage to call out my overweight cat today.

I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all your money?"

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

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Stuttering cat

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat ...

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A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd Says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.

The Doberman Ans...

A Fireman, A Little Girl, and Her Cat

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her c...

Where do cats like to do their shopping?

A catalog.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

​

They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"

​

The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a...

What's a cats favorite colour?

Purrrrrple.

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.

He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgatory

What happens when cats become philosophical?

They like to paws and reflect on life

What does a room full of cats, and a woman of certain age have in common?

They both have many paws (say fast)

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

I decided not to get my cat vaccinated

I didn’t want him to get pawtism

What do you call a cat with a low IQ?

A mewron.

A homeowner without a cat is just a

honer

Cats are a metaphor for Great Britain

They can’t choose between staying in or getting out.

2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.

Which cat won?

123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

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I just learned that my cat can talk!

I woke up in the middle of the night and my cat wasn't sleeping next to me like he always is. So I stumbled around in the dark looking for him and calling his name.

Just then tripped over something and as I was falling I yelled "What he fuck was that?"

As land in the floor I hear my ca...

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There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river.

There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river. Now, hovering above this river is a fly and looking at this fly is a fish. And the fish is looking at the fly and its thinking to itself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there and get that fly and have myself a ...

What's a big cat that can't hear?

Def Leppard.

What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

The Talking Cat.

A 2 bit magician had a show called "Goldie, the Magic Talking Cat". He wasn't that skilled of a magician, so he had to make up for his lack of talent with cheesy 2 bit tricks.

He found this cat that looked like it was clearly abandoned. It had fleas and ticks, wasn't fixed and it didn't ...

What did the neckbeard cat say?

M'eow (tips fedora)

There was a man named Johnny who had a cat.

He loved the cat more than anything, and when he was going on vacation he decided to leave the cat with his brother, Max.

A few days into the vacation, Jonny calls his brother to check in on the cat. “The cat is dead,” replies Max.

Johnny is devastated. “How could you break the news ...

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

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Cat and Dog

The Dog’s Diary:

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Milkbones! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played i...

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An Englishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a talking cat...

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer. The bartender says "That'll be £1.50"
The man looks over to the cat, who scoffs and says, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man sighs, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £1.50 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender finds this odd...

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

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A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

Did you hear about the cat that took a shortcut?

It was a real cheetah

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

This morning I saw a lady talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought the cat understood her...

When I got home I told my parrot. We had a good laugh. Lol.

If a cat goes meow and a cow goes moo, what does the dog say?

Ed...ward..

Dad can you put the cat out?

I didn't know it was on fire.

Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

A man got home from his walk and his wife said:”Thank god you got home safe it’s raining cats and dogs!!!”

The man:”It’s not raining that bad I didn’t even step in any poodles”

Joke

I used to be in a band called missing cat, you probably saw our posters!

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Today I learned that cats can stutter!

A rottweiler came into my neighbour's yard and his cat said "Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!" The rottweiler ate him before he could get the "Fuck" out.

Why are some species of cat always endangered?

Because cheetahs never prosper

My kids wanted a cat for Christmas.

I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

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Why are cats afraid of dogs?

Cause theyre pussies.

Why are cat’s carvings expensive?

Because they start from scratch



I’m bad at this aren’t I