Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

I was in a punk band in the 80s called Missing Cat.

You might remember our flyers

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

What do you call a communist cat?

Mao

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar.

And doesn’t.

How many lives does a cat have left after it loses its ninth life?

Nein lives

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Why did the FBI seize the cat’s computer?

It was full of kitty porn

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Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

What is a cat's prefered game mode?

Meowtiplayer

Guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside

I think I stepped in a poodle

There are two cats crossing a river.

The first cat's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "un deux trois".

Which one made it across?

One two three, because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowton

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie?

A blue-purr.

Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

A man got a cat

A man got a cat and walked to his wife and said "so what do you think of the cow ?" His wife said that's a cat. The man said "shh I'm talking to the cat"

How do the Chinese eat cats?

With catchup.

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

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Teacher: Why is your cat in class today?

Student: Because i heard my dad tell my mom, "i'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today".

How does a cat laugh

La meow

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum

[Bartender pours it]

[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]

Cat: Another.

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A cat falls into a pool and a rooster laughs. What’s the moral of the story?

A wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

Cat puns really freak meowt

I am not Kitten.

A new study has found that cats cannot transmit the Covid 19 virus to us humans, ...

...but, the study also found, if they could do it to us they would.

If you’re a cat owner, you don’t need an explanation for this joke!

A Doberman, a Golden Retriever and a cat died and met God. God said to them, “Tell me why I should let you into heaven.”
The Doberman said, “I’ll protect you with my life.”
God said, “You can sit at my right side.”
The Golden Retriever said, “I will fetch your slippers and anything el...

What do Schrodinger's cat and Kim Jong-un have in common?

They're both alive and dead until you see them!

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

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A cat walks by the window of a mental hospital.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture i...

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A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

I was in the car with my dad, when he ran over a cat!

I said, "Dad! You just hit a cat! Didn't you see it?"

And he says, "I hit it, didn't I?"

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Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

I had a cat named schrodinger that ran away...

I have no idea if he is alive or dead.

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What did strippers and cats have in common?

Theyll both sit on your lap if you entice them and dont like when you touch them

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

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Little girl brings her cat to school

The teacher asked her why she had her cat with her.

The little girl said she was saving her cat because her dad was going to beat it.

The teacher said you must be mistaken why would your dad beat your cat?

Little girl said I don't know but I heard him tell my mom that when I go ...

Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...

"I just want to get back to Nermal."

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

Two cats tried to cross the river. One cat was named 'One Two Three', the other cat was named 'Un Deux Trois'. Which cat made it across?

'One Two Three' because 'Un Deux Trois' Quatre Cinq .



It's a pronunciation thing.

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I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition

We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

What is the cat equivalent of a Karen?

Carol Baskin

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment?

He had nine wives.

I accidentially ran over Schrodinger's cat.

Not sure if I should feel guilty or not.

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A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

There's an old saying in China: It doesn't matter whether the cat is black or white

it still tastes the same.

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi's

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

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my cat is a stripper.

she says "i'm gonna sit on your lap but you can't touch me." in a way.

Cats

They lay around and sleep all day, you can tell them any joke and they won’t laugh, and they just wanna be away from you. So, cats are just teenagers in fur coats.

If grass is to cows what fish is to cats, then what are donations to twitch cam girls?

Food for thot.

How do you get milk from a cat?

Take away his saucer.


Follow up joke......

How do you get milk from a female cat?

Take away her saucer.

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How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.

Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well ...

I told my daughter an interesting cat fact. If you drop any cat it will fall at 32-feet per second squared.

She immediately replied, "That's a rumor started by dogs."

Cats and girls

A cat chasing lasers is like me chasing girls.
I never get em.

What's worse than two cats in a box?

One cat in two boxes.

Me, to my neighbour: Sorry I ran over your cat when I was trying to back out. Here, I baked a cake for you.

My neighbour: You did WHAT?

Me: Baked a cake.

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

What’s a cats favourite console

The pspspspspspspsps4

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

What’s the difference between a regular cat and a Minecraft cat?

you’re allowed to move when a Minecraft cat sits on your chest.

What do you call a cat who's been living with the queen?

An Aristocat.

What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self?

You have got to be kitten me.

Mars must be overpopulated with cats.

That's why they sent curiosity there.

Why do cats always land on their feet?

Because they're very good at purr-kour

I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.

He was too.

Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

I think my cat might be a communist!

He keeps calling out for the Chinese leader, just, "Mao" "Mao" "Mao" over and over again!

Three cats have a race

There’s an American one named OneTwoThree, a German one name EinZweiDrei and a French one named UnDeuxTrois. They all swim across a lake. The American cat was first, the German cat was second, while the French cat was nowhere to be found.
Why?
Because the UnDeuxTrois quatre cinq

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?

Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.

A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say?

"Gimme your marbles!"

I shaved the top half of my cat this morning.

He's been furloughed too.

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

What do cats get when they get sick?

A purrscription

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3 dogs are at the vet. They ask the chihuahua what he’s there for...

“I’m a biter. I bite kids. I bite my mom. I bite the TV cords. I bite anything. The last straw was when I bit my owners kid. I have to get anxiety medication.”

They then ask the blue heeler what he’s in for

“I’m a pooper. I poop in the kitchen. I poop in the road on walks. I pooped on ...

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

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Putting the cat out

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs insi...

What does an injured cat always say?

"Me, ow!"

What do you call a cat copying off of another cat?

.....a cheetah!

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

It had mittens.

What do you call it when you feed your husband to your big cat and steal his children’s inheritance?

Baskins Robbin’

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

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The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the ...

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

How much did the Cats movie cost to make?

Just the artistic integrity of everyone involved.

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I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

T...

I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known..

It was your classic Leopard con

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What's the difference a girl and a cat

I've never had sex with a girl

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There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke."

Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly
handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs
does that chicken have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster
got?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man...

A German Sheperd, Doberman and cat died.

All three faces the god who wants to know what they believe in.

the german sheperd says: " i beleive in disclipine and loyalty to my master".

So God says him to sit on his right side.

then it was the turn of doberman and it says" i believe in the love,care and protection of my ...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

What does Bloomberg feed his cat?

Stop and Friskies

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Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,

So my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Wanna hear a great cat joke?

Just kitten. I don't have one.

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

My wife made us late and we missed the previews before new movie Cats...

...I hate when she makes me miss the best part of movies

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

Why was the Cat arrested?

He committed a feline-y.

People often tell me "There is more than one way to skin a cat"

But no one is ready to show me even one way

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What is the most popular sex move with a cat girl

Sixty nyaan

Fun fact: Cats can understand around 56 vocal commands.

They just choose to ignore all of them.

Where did the cat go after losing its tail?

to the retail store.

My ex told me I would die alone with my cats.

Jokes on her. Cats already dead

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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