Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

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What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

Did you hear about the time a cat got into a mousehole?

Casualties were **cat**astrophic.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price...

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The teacher asked Timmy why he has a cat in school.

Timmy, while crying, said," Because I heard my daddy say to my mummy "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave", so I'm saving him."

Talking to cats

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

My cat's not happy about his coat being twisted into bunches.

Fur's twirled problem!

What's a cat's favorite postal service?

Uspspspspspspspspspspsps

I took my cat in to get neutered today.

You think I'm taking this no nut November thing to seriously?

Have you heard that PlayStation are releasing a console for cats?

It's called the PSpspspspspsps

What’s a black cat’s favorite color?

Purr-ple.
I’ll see myself out now.

How should you send a cat a letter?

With USPSpspspsps

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar.

Or did it?

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Caught myself talking to my cat and felt really dumb.

totally forgot that I'm pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

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What’s common between owning a cat and voting?

Checking a box for a piece of shit.

What do you call a cat on the beach?

Sandy Claws. Happy holidays everyone.

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat.

We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.

They say that curiosity kills the cat.

My childhood memories are ruined, now that i realized that Curious George is a cat killer

What language do cats speak?

Purrsian.

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The story of the fly and the cat (NSFW)

A fly is hovering six inches above a lake. What the fly doesn't know is there's a fish watching him, and the fish says "If that fly drops 6 inches I've got me a pretty good meal".

What the fish doesn't know is there's a bear watching him and that bear says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish g...

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

I used to be a cat person

But goddamn dogs taste so much better

I asked a librarian if they had a book about pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat...

They said it rang a bell, but wasn't sure if it was there or not

2 cats are at the English Channel.

An English cat and the French Cat decide they want to cross the channel. The English cat psyches himself up, says “One... Two... Three” jumps in the water and swims across.

The French cat decides to imitate the English cat. “Un... Deux... Trois...” Cat sank.

What do cats call their human form?

Their purr-sona.

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

A cat walks into a doctors office.

The doctor says "What's wrong?”
The cat says "Meow.”
The doctor replies “I know, but where?”

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

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A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.

The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."

The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."

The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."

The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to de...

What does a cat drink when it’s depressed?

Whiskey.

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Do you know how a cat gets herpes?

From playing with dirty pussies..

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A rooster and cat got into a fight...

...on a bridge. The cat pounced and the rooster ducked resulting in her falling into the river. The rooster rushed to save the cat. Why?

Because a cock loves a wet pussy.

First day as a vet

Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

So there is this video where they say people hate cats..

It's an informative dogumentary.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

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My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

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I hate sphynx cats because

I prefer hairy pussy

What's the worst cat to have on your lap?

Probably a bulldozer

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Why is there a word for female dog but no word for female cat?

Because all cats are bitches

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

My cat made an onlyfans account.

People love her cat-nips!

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I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

I started blogging by writing about all the best this about cats.

It was my cat-A-list.

whats a russian cats favorite book to read?

The Communist Meownifesto

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

I Was Meowing At My Cat Today

Then She Started Talking and I Knew The Mushrooms Kicked In.

What does a large jungle cat and your girl friend have in common?

Both will rip your head off if they’re hungry.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Why must you be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle.

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A dog asks a cat : Why do u always hide when having sex ????????

Cat replies: You want people to steal my style like they stole yours?, NEVER!!!!

I took my Labrador to the vets for a CAT scan...

Turns out she is a dog.

Headline: Dead Cat Discovered on Mars

Looks like Curiosity kiiled the cat.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

Two cat's are on a roof, which one falls off first?

The one with the smallest mu.

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A chicken was walking along a river and noticed a cat

The cat slipped and fell into the river and the chicken couldn’t stop laughing.

Moral of the story: A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

When women get to a certain age, they start collecting cats.....

This is known as the many paws.

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

What did the cat like most about the iPod?

The pawsability.

Did you know that all cats are jewish

Their surname it Katz afterall

When do cats beg for food?

Every tuna half hours

What do you get when you cross a fish, a donkey, and a cat?

wap

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

How does a cat make bread?

From scratch

Never say anything offensive to Cats.

You might hurt their Felines.

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

Why are cats afraid of space?

Because it's a vacuum.

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave.

They reduced meowers.

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

Why was the cat laying on the globe?

He wanted to take a cat map.

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A Guy, An Ostrich, and a Cat

Guy goes in a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a beer for himself, a soda for the ostrich, and gin on the rocks for the cat. They drink their drinks, the guy pays with the EXACT change, the cat yells, "I'm not payin!," and they leave. The next day they all come back to the same bar, the g...

So I tried cat for the first time yesterday

Just kitten

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

Did you hear the cat's inappropriate joke?

[remewved]

“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not.”

Mine had me trained in two days.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why don't cats like playing cards in the jungle?

Because of all the cheetahs.

I feel bad for Schrodinger's cat

But at the same time I don't

what do you call a cat with 6 legs?

A caterpillar

Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget.

You get two for the price of one.

Why are cats better pets than dogs?

You don't hear about cats collaborating with the police.

A woman on a farm is getting breakfast ready for her family.

As she works at the counter, she notices her son out in the yard bullying several of the animals. When he comes in for breakfast she sets a bowl if dry cereal and a glass of water in front of him.

"What gives mom?"

"Well son, I watched you picking on the animals, so I'm punishing you a...

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

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A Tale of a Mental Ward

A sadist, zoophile, murderer, necrophile, pyromaniac, and masochist are in a mental ward together, talking to each other in order.

"I know what we should do, let's torture a cat!" said the sadist.

"After torturing the cat, let's fuck it!" said the zoophile.

"Torture it, fuck it,...

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

cats

There's a new dating app for cats in Prague...

it's called Czech Meowt

Who is the patron saint of homeless dogs and cats?

St. Ray

What do you call a peeping Tom-Cat?

A purrrvert

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

What does a cat need to drive a car?

A purrmit :3

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

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