UPJOKE
lionleopardtigerpetcarnivorejaguarbig catkittenfurfelinecheetahmammalgenusratrabbit

Whats a cat's favorite cereal??

Mice Crispies

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

What did the communist cat say?

Mao

I have cat-like reflexes.

When I see a cat, I instantly like it.

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?

They got caught up in a purramid scheme.

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They say "it's raining cats and dogs"...

but I still can never seem to get myself any pussies or bitches

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You probably saw our posters

There was once a cat with 16 lives.

A 4x4 passed by and killed it.

Why did the two big cats get a divorce?

Because one was lion and the other was a cheetah

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind along with the CAT.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually...

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

A French cat and a British cat had a swimming race

So a French cat and a British cat, by the names of "One two three Cat" and "Un deux trois Cat" had a swimming race across the channel to decide wether or not to call it the French channel or British channel. One two three Cat won. Why? Because Un deux trois Cat sank.

had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and then gave you another one, how many would you ...

My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

What language do cats speak?

Purrsian

We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...

Batman: *buys catwoman a drink*

Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*

What do you call a one-dimensional cat?

A fe-line.

My cat is a Communist.

Because everytime I see him, he says 'Mao'.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.

After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.

She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s d...

A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said, "See... here is the monkey of the jungle."

His wife, laughing, said, "That's a CAT ..."

He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

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I find that cleaning out my cat’s litter tray is like the lucky dip game at the fair.

In both the prizes are shit.

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A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

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-Johnny you can't bring your cat to the school you're gonna be in trouble for it

\-I know but I can't leave it at home

\-why ?

\-I heard my dad talking to my mum and said : "once the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy"

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

Where do cats keep their lipstick?

In their purrrs.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry, I mean 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

Did you know that Helen Keller had a cat?

Don’t worry, she didn’t know either.

If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,

wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

My cat is sick

He isn't feline well

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Why do cats always show their buttholes??

Theyre more assholes than pussies....

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A cat was sat next to me on the airplane

I was on an airplane and noticed a cat sat two seats over from me with a balaclava on, all of a sudden he gets up, walks to the cockpit, pulls a knife and puts it to the pilot's throat.


pilot says "what the hell's going on?"


cat replies "take me to the canaries"

What's every cat's favorite topic in school?

>!String theory!<

what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee?

One's an Aristocrat

The other's a Barista-Cat

My Cat is very smart and can talk

I asked him who was the communist former president of the People's Republic of China and he said "Mao".

I asked my cats "what's five minus five?",

they said nothing.

Guys, I think my cat is a communist!

He won't stop talking about Mao!

English v french cat swim race

An English cat called one-two-three challenged a French cat called une-deux-trois to see who could swim across the English Channel fastest.


Which one do you think won?


One-two-three won as the une-deux-trois cat sank.

"Is it bad if a Cat follows you?"

"That depends. Are you a man or a Mouse?"

A man heard about a young adult novel where Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's Dog team up for a cross-country adventure.

He goes down to the library to see if they have a copy for his daughter.

The librarian says it rings a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What religion do cats believe?

Cat-tholism

What did the cat with a new outfit say?

“Check meowt!”

Why was the cat so small?

It was brought up on condensed milk.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

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A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday.

The next day we named the Dog curiosity.

Why did the cat never finish the movie?

It kept hitting paws.

why do cats always get their way

becuase they are pur-suasive

What do you call a park loved by cats

A A*mews*ment park

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

A cat walks into the vet and says, "Meow."

The vet says, "Okay but where?"

Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands

They just don't want to

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you be...

They say curiosity killed the cat…

Bollocks to that. It was probably Kurt Zouma that killed it

Giving your cat a bath.

We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.



1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.
2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling a...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

Why can't you read cat poetry to children?

Because it's all purr-verse.

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

They say I should neuter my cat since he has a hereditary deficiency that makes him cough.

I can’t though; he just wouldn’t be the same Hackey-Sack.

What do you call a cat wearing an iron armor?

(Fe)line

Valentine's Day gift decision - candle making kit or cat o' 9 tails?

I decided I'd rather she helped dip my wick

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

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Every night I have a different cat cuddle up in bed with me right on my crotch.

That genies an asshole.

A woman goes out of town for a couple of weeks for work.

She calls her husband after a day or two and they are just catching up. Most things have been discussed when she asks how the cat is and if he's taking care of her.

"Oh, cat died," he says.

She gets upset and, exasperated, tells him, "you can't just come out and surprise me with it li...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said

It depends how it's prepared.

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

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What do you do when your cat dies?

You play with the neighbour’s pussy.

Best joke from Carson’s couch

Caller: Fluffy just died

Brother: what’s the matter with you!
You know I loved that cat.
You should have prepared me for it. Today you could have said Fluffy is on the roof and we can’t get her down. then tomorrow you could tell me she fell.
The next day you could say Fluffy is at ...

What do you call a disappointed cat?

*sigh*amise

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

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I just threw the family cat into a pool

Everyone is mad at me but I just wanted to get a pussy wet for once

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

Cats don't go missing

They take time off from you.

What do you take if you are allergic to an angry cat?

..... an Anti-HISS-tamine

Where do music loving cats go to for vacation

Sing-a-purr
(I know it’s cheap, I’ll see myself out)

What does a cat eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies.

A small boy at the next table told me that one. Thank you for the laugh, Nolan, and happy New Year.

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

Man and cat beside him in cinema

Man and cat beside him in cinema. Usher noticed cat was very intently watching the movie. Said to the man afterwards ‘can’t believe your cat was really enjoying the movie.’ ‘I can’t believe it either,’ said the man ‘she didn’t even like the book.’

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

What's the difference between an iron bar and a cat?

One is feline and the other is Fe-line.

Cats and chores

What do you call it when your cat is holding you back from doing your chores?

Procatsination

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher e...

I really don't get why black cats get singled out as bad luck

Pretty much any color cat that crosses your path will have you trippin'

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We’re out of broccoli

A man sends his wife to the store for groceries. He says to the wife “ while you’re out, pick up some broccoli”. She heads to her local supermarket in search of broccoli.

When she gets there she asks the first employee she sees “excuse me sir, where do you keep the broccoli?”

He sa...

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There was a little boy sitting on a curb in one hand he had a cat and the other a box of smarties

There was a little boy sitting on a curb in one hand he had a cat and the other a box of smarties. Every so often he would pop a smartie bite the cat get up and move down to the curb. There is a man watching this young boy and wonders what he's doing once again the kid pops a smartie bites the cat g...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

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A dog says hey to a cat in a barn

The cat says hey back.

The pig chimes in, saying hey to the cat and dog.

The chicken bucks her salutation the same way.

The horse: And y'all ain't fuckin sharing?

Cat

I am reading anew book “Holding a Cat for a Bath” by Claud Balls.

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