UPJOKE
lionleopardtigerpetfelidaecarnivorejaguarfelisbig catkittenfurafrican wildcatfelinecheetahmammal

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich and a cat behind him..

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

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A cat walks into a bar.

He’s having a bad day. He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender puts it on the counter and the cat slowly nudges the shot glass onto the floor breaking the shot glass. The cat looks up at the bartender and says leave the bottle. I’m not done yet.

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, trois had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, trois cat sank.

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat and his mother as he is going on vacation for a month. The trip is goin well when one day he receives an e-mail from his friend that reads: "Your cat was hit by a truck and died".

He immediately calls his friend to ask what exactly had happened and ...

A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"

What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

Did you hear the put a bounty on Schrödinger’s cat?

He’s wanted dead and alive.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy,...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

A cat walks into a doctor's office

A cat walks into a doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"

The cat says, "Me-ow."

The doctor replies, "I know, but where?"

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

I identify as Schrodinger's cat

My pronouns are is/isn't.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.



"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.

He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say 'We are leopards.'".

My cat is very fat

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat,” she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to ...

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Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl ...

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

A mouse is running away from a cat.

Just before the cat catches it, the mouse sees a small hole in the floor and manages to slip in. So it sits there, trembling in terror, not knowing if the cat is away or not.

Suddenly it hears loud barking - *Woof! Woof!*

'Oh, great,' the mouse tells itself. 'A dog came, chased the cat...

A dyslexic cat broke into a hen house

It was an absolute fluster cluck

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind along with the CAT.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually...

I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

What will a cat say when it get stuck in a box?

LET MEOW!

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

I asked Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's Dog if they'd got the invitation to my birthday party.

The cats a maybe and the dog said it didn't ring any bells.

I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.

Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

A cat begins typing a passive-aggressive workplace message

“Purr my last email…”

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

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Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets

He says: “I’ve come to talk wi’ thee about me cat.”

The vet replies: “is it a tom?”

The Yorkshireman says: “no, I’ve brought him here wi’ me.”

What do you get when you crossbreed a cat with a duck

A platypuss

You know about Schrodinger's cat, but do you know about Cauchy's dog?

It left a residue at every pole.

What kind of coffee do they serve in a cat café?

affoGato

My cat passed away but I am not sad

She will live on forever in my online passwords.

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My brother fell in dog crap, deer crap, cat crap, elephant crap and horse crap

He's been through a lot of shit

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Danny and the cat

Five year old Danny says, "Mommy, I think the cat is dead."

His mother says, "Why do you think that?"

Danny says, "I pissed in her ear and she didn't move."

His mother says, "You did what?"

Danny says again, "I pissed in her ear and she didn't move."

His mother say...

A rich old lady called the veterinarian to come to her apartment due to problems with her female cat.

Vet: Is your cat spayed?

ROL: No. I didn’t think that necessary. She never goes outside.

The vet inspected the cat carefully.

Vet: Well, she must have gotten out at some time. She’s pregnant.

ROL: She can’t be. Since I had her as a kitten she has never been outside thi...

One day the family cat dies

The daughter is traumatised because the cat was found on the floor, on its back, with its legs in the air. She asks "Why is she like this?"

The quick-thinking father says "Umm, it's so that Jesus can come down and carry her up to heaven". The daughter seems to accept this explanation and feel...

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

May cat seems to like stormy weather...

when it rains, it purrs.

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me, how?"

I have cat-like reflexes.

When I see a cat, I instantly like it.

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

Swimming Cats

An English cat named “OneTwoThree” and a French cat named “UnDeuxTrois” decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?

OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian make a bet about who'll manage to make a cat eat mustard.

The American grabs the cat and shoves the mustards down its throat.

\- What are you doing? - they shout at him. - This is violence!

The Frenchman put the mustard between two pieces of sausage, the cat eats them.

\- What are you doing - they shout at him. - This is deception!
...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the ma...

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor saw it happen, and realized it was an accident. He just yelled "Oh God please put him out of his misery!"

He got really mad when I tried to tell him I'd have to do it eight more times.

Jimmy was asked to feed the cat.

Jimmy asked "to what?"

Did you hear about the cat found guilty of murder?

He got nine life sentences

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.



They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"



The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was kil...

How does a cat like its steak cooked?

Medium RAWR!

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

I accidentally ate cat food last night.

Don’t ask meow.

What do you call a cat who likes to pass gas?

Puss and toots

I found it strange that my cat liked Carmina Burana

Then I heard that the most popular tune from it is O fortuna

(In case I am “not funny”, it’s a pun on Oh for Tuna). Geddit?

"Tell me doctor, is my cat okay?"

"Well Dr. Schrödinger, I have good news and bad news..."

Where do you find a Himalayan cat?

You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger’s cat

It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Have you seen "Schrodinger's Cat the Movie"?

It doesn't have any showing times. You buy a ticket but won't know if it is playing or not until you walk into the theater.

Jack goes to to have surgery and leaves his cat and recently hospitalized father with his best friend Sam

A day passes and the Jack calls Sam " Hey dude! my surgery is in an hour, how is my father doing? are you giving him his medicine?"

Sam responds : " Yes! He's doing okay"

Jack : " How is my new adopted senior cat?"

Sam : " He's dead"

Jack : " What!! Why!! You can't just ...

I think my cat is a quantum physicist

He sees everything as strings.

What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

"Me-ow."

“Correcting killed the cat,” said a stranger standing next to a man.

“No, that was curiosi…” a loud bang and flash of light silenced him quickly

A cat walks into a bar….

A cat walks into a bar and says:

„I‘d like a tuna sandwich and a … beer“.

The bartender asks: „Why the small pause?“

Why can't you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can't take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

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My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has been disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy - and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

What’s a cat’s favorite way to gamble?

Scratchers.

Why a cat can't open a door that is a little bit open?

Because it's a jar and cats can't open them either

What do you call a French cat meowing at you through a computer screen?

Vidéo *chat*

How can you tell if your cat is a Mormon?

He has nine wives…

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A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

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My new girlfriend is a cat person...

.. her breath stinks of fish, she shits in a tray, and she disappears for days at a time

What's the difference between your cat and your wife?

One doesn't care whether you live or die and refuses to eat anything you make, and the other one sleeps on the bed sometimes.

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

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