My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed them all.

What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?

A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction

When it starts raining cats and dogs:

*Please seek shelters*

Pet shelters





Sorry

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A castrated dog chases a cat

The cat climbs up a tree and says :
"You don't have the balls to kill me! "

Cat puns freak meowt

Seriously, I'm not kitten.

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

What's a black cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple.

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain


My daughter's joke.

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A french twitch streamer shoves an egg up his cat's butt

Can I get un oeuf in chat, please?

What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

How does a pirate cat-call in the 21st century?

Yo-ho!

What cat has eight legs?

An octopus.

How do French cats laugh?

“L’mao”

What do you call a psychologist cat?

A freudy cat!

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

I named my cat Brexit

Because he meows loudly to be let out but just stands there when I open the door.

Do you want to hear a joke about cats?

Just kitten.

(My kids’ joke) What did the cat say when it got scratched?

Meowch

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

It was raining cats and dogs last night, how did I know?

I stepped in a poodle

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

Out of all Cat Species, there is only one that never tells the truth. Which one is it?

I don't know, but I know said Cat will always be Lion to you.

What do you call a cat that’s iron man?

Feline

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

Why did the cat fall down the well?

Because the cat didn't see that well.

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The cat and the chicken...

There was a cat and a chicken standing on the edge of a bridge, the cat falls in the river, and the chicken starts laughing.

Whats is the moral of the storry ?

Where is a wet pussy, there will allways be a happy cock.

I accidentally took my cats medication today.

Don't ask me'ow I did it

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

why are cats afraid of space?

because its a vacuum

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

Did you know that cats can jump higher than houses?

This is largely due to the fact that houses can't jump.

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

How do you make a cat say "woof"?

Douse it in gasoline and light it


*woof*

How does a cat land on its feet and fit through small places?

Mew-tonian physics.

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

What Do You Call a Cat Afraid of Math?

A squaredycat.

I go on expedition next week. My kids want to know what I’m going to do about the ferocious jungle cats.

Puma pants, probably.

What does a cat with a lisp catch?

A mouth.

My cat and I were watching TV when suddendly it scratched me.

Just because i pressed paws.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

cat race

There was a cat race

The cats were

1. one two three, an American cat
2. uno dos tres, A Spanish cat
3. une deux trois, A French cat

The three cats were in a water race, whoever gets to the end of the lake first, wins. the results came in and...

The American cat c...

What happens when three French cats get into a boat that was only meant for two?

Un deux trois quatre cinq!

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I know people say dogs are smarter than cats

But cats don't tell the police where you hid your drugs.

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

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