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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short pal

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.

He just looked at me and said Mao.

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

Whats the difference between a cat and a comma?

One is a pause at the end of a clause, and the other, well he has claws at the end of his paws!

What do you call a cat that you wear on your wrist?

Aristocrat

Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.

God greets the three and asks each what they believe in.

First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies...

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

What did the cat say after hearing to a funny joke ?

Lmao.

If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it right now.

\*by now.

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(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Did you hear about the 5 French cats on a raft?

Un deux trois cat sank

Why do cats walk around houses like they own the place?

Well, you can't spell "homeowner" without "meow"!

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

So my dad looked at my cats and asked...

“Aw are you guys catnapping?” And I responded “Well they just call it napping, but yes.”

Schrodinger couldn't stand the suspense any longer and finally decided to open up the box after a month to see if the cat was alive or dead...

So as it turns out, curiosity did kill the cat.

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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are at a mental institution.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”

The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”

The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”

The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”

The pyromaniac says, ...

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

What do you call a woman who sleeps with cat-like humanoid aliens?

Thundercats Ho!

If I was a cat,

Me: Ow.

My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”

Apparently, “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.

Why is the Pope's favourite pet a cat?

because he's a catholic

What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

Cats are just like strippers.

They both sit on your lap, but you can’t touch them.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he saw a cute cat gif on Reddit?

ITS FUCKING r/aww !!!!!

How do you get a cat to go "WOOF!"?

pour diesel on it and set it alight.

What was the pirate cats name?

Black Pearrrl

[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

What kind of gun would a cat have?

A Mauser.

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A turtle and a cat are gardening...

A turtle and a cat are gardening one day when the realize the need fertilizer. Their butler is too old to run the errand so they ask their friend rabbit to get it for them. Sure. After a couple hours the rabbit comes to his friends house and rings the doorbell. The butler answers. The rabbit asks...

I made a portrait of my cat using saliva.

It was a spitting image.

Cat prints were found at a murder scene

Its pawsible the cat did it.

What happened to the guy who killed his cat?

He was charged with a feliney.

schrodinger's cat walks into a bar

.....and doesn't.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

What animal has more lives than a cat?

Frogs, they croak every night.







Originally posted this in r/funny, was a joke my 9yo told me last night..

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What’s the difference between a plane crash and cat shit?

One is a catastrophe. The other is a cat ass trophy.

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What did the indifferent porn star say when she lost her cat?

Eh, fuck my pussy.

Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat.

Don’t ask meow.

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

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What do you get when you cross a cat with poison ivey?

An itchy pussy!

When I was a child, I had a cat.

I went away to Summer Camp, and while I was gone my cat died. My dad didn’t want to upset me, so he told me that the cat went to live with my mom. Needless to say, I was heartbroken, but I soon learned that my dad lied to me because I was digging around in the backyard a few days later and found my ...

Everyone's heard of Schrodinger's cat, but have you heard of Doppler's cat

mmmmmeeeeEEEEEOOOOWwwwww

Why are French cats always do cheerful?

Because they're always saying, "Le mao"

How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time?

I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud.

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

There was once a big cat that loved flowers so much he became one.

His name was Dan de lion.

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The winner of ‘best feline bottom in show’ was brutally killed last night. The award is thought to be the murder weapon.

It was a cat ass trophy.

What does an Anti-Vax kid and a Vegan Cat have in common

They're both doomed to die

Did you hear about the fireman who was hurt rescuing a cat from a tree?

He went out on a limb.

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A guy walks in to a bar with a cat and an ostrich.

He orders a pint for himself a whiskey for the ostrich and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the ostrich comes up to the bar and orders a whiskey for himself, a pint for the guy and a vodka for the cat.

Half an hour later the man comes to the bar and orders again... this goes on...

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AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

What do you call a Chinese cat leader?

Meow Zedong

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

cat

I named my cat Brexit because it constantly remains near the door, but as soon as I open it, the cat refuses to go through the door.

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

What is pirate's cat favorite toy?

A ball of yarrrn.

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

It’s raining cats and dogs outside!

I stepped in a poodle.

A little girl's cat died.

A little girl's cat died. She loved the cat very much, and so when it died, she was devastated beyond belief. Her mother and her take the cat to the backyard so they could have a funeral for it. The little girl is in tears as they bury her cat.



"Don't worry, sweetie," says the mom in...

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I went to visit my mum yesterday and noticed her cat wasn't around.

"Where's old Ginger?" I asked.

"He's gone to Pussy Heaven" she sniffed.

"Wow!" I said, "I was there last night, I didn't know he was a member."

What do you call a tornado full of cats?

A Cat-astrophe

I got my cat to cut my grass today.

Such a good lawn meower

I think my cat is a communist

She keeps going on about Mao

How does a texan cat say hi?

Meowdy

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all!

What’s the difference between starving a child and starving your cat?

Your cat is going to eat you!

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

How is a Catholic 6-year old different from a vegan cat?

While we all know who's making that
decision, at least one of the two won't have meat forced into their mouth.

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Diary of a cat....

Haven't seen this one in my feed for a while....



The Cat’s Diary

**Day 983 of My Captivity**

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets....

What music do siamese cats listen to?

Fur Elise.

There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

I got a new cat yesterday and have decided to name it Brexit

He always meows loudly to be let out but when I open the door, he refuses to go through it.

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

There was a stray cat in my driveway this morning, it meowed at me so I meowed back...

...now I'm nervous because I'm not sure what I agreed to.

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Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

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