Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn’t flat?

Cats would’ve pushed everything off the edge by now.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

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Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat?

He didn’t believe in dog.

An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What do you call a crossover between a dog and a cat?

If you thought it's Cog, it's exactly Dat.

There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

What do you tell the cat if it scratches you?

"You hurt me-ow!!"

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all!

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

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Stuttering cat

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat ...

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

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A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

Two cats are walking through a desert..

..after a long while one of them turns and says, "Dude, I don't get this litter box".

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A cat and a rooster sitting on the lake shore...

The cat falls into the lake and the rooster starts laughing hysterically.


Morale of the story:


When there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock also

I worked up the courage to call out my overweight cat today.

I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all your money?"

Is "Schrodinger's Cat" meme dead or alive?

I'm afraid to look.

What happens when cats become philosophical?

They like to paws and reflect on life

Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgatory

What is every cats favourite Dictator?

Mao.

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.

He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

I decided not to get my cat vaccinated

I didn’t want him to get pawtism

What does a room full of cats, and a woman of certain age have in common?

They both have many paws (say fast)

People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

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An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Cats are a metaphor for Great Britain

They can’t choose between staying in or getting out.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd Says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.

The Doberman Ans...

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There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river.

There's this forest, and in this forest, there is a river. Now, hovering above this river is a fly and looking at this fly is a fish. And the fish is looking at the fly and its thinking to itself: "You know what? If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there and get that fly and have myself a ...

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I just learned that my cat can talk!

I woke up in the middle of the night and my cat wasn't sleeping next to me like he always is. So I stumbled around in the dark looking for him and calling his name.

Just then tripped over something and as I was falling I yelled "What he fuck was that?"

As land in the floor I hear my ca...

What do you call a cat that barks??

Fake mews.

The Talking Cat.

A 2 bit magician had a show called "Goldie, the Magic Talking Cat". He wasn't that skilled of a magician, so he had to make up for his lack of talent with cheesy 2 bit tricks.

He found this cat that looked like it was clearly abandoned. It had fleas and ticks, wasn't fixed and it didn't ...

What did the neckbeard cat say?

M'eow (tips fedora)

What's a cats favorite colour?

Purrrrrple.

A Fireman, A Little Girl, and Her Cat

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her c...

What's a big cat that can't hear?

Def Leppard.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

​

They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"

​

The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a...

2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.

Which cat won?

123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

A homeowner without a cat is just a

honer

My cat is the opposite of a scratch n sniff sticker

First he sniffs me, then he starts stratching

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

There was a man named Johnny who had a cat.

He loved the cat more than anything, and when he was going on vacation he decided to leave the cat with his brother, Max.

A few days into the vacation, Jonny calls his brother to check in on the cat. “The cat is dead,” replies Max.

Johnny is devastated. “How could you break the news ...

What’s the difference between a cat and a sentence?

A sentence has a pause at the end of a clause, but a cat has claws at the end of its paws.

What type of cable does a cat own?

Comcats.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

A man got home from his walk and his wife said:”Thank god you got home safe it’s raining cats and dogs!!!”

The man:”It’s not raining that bad I didn’t even step in any poodles”

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An Englishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a talking cat...

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer. The bartender says "That'll be £1.50"
The man looks over to the cat, who scoffs and says, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man sighs, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £1.50 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender finds this odd...

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Cat and Dog

The Dog’s Diary:

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Milkbones! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played i...

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

Did you hear about the cat that took a shortcut?

It was a real cheetah

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A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

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Today I learned that cats can stutter!

A rottweiler came into my neighbour's yard and his cat said "Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!" The rottweiler ate him before he could get the "Fuck" out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

This morning I saw a lady talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought the cat understood her...

When I got home I told my parrot. We had a good laugh. Lol.

Dad can you put the cat out?

I didn't know it was on fire.

Joke

I used to be in a band called missing cat, you probably saw our posters!

Why are some species of cat always endangered?

Because cheetahs never prosper

My friend advised me to date a cat owner..

..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

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Why are cats afraid of dogs?

Cause theyre pussies.

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

My kids wanted a cat for Christmas.

I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

If a cat goes meow and a cow goes moo, what does the dog say?

Ed...ward..

The local circus has had the same show on for a long while now.

Less and less people are coming to see it, as they all know the routine by now.

One day the circus director is approached by a stranger. The strangers says: “Hey, I’ve got just what you need to save this circus!”

“And what is that?” asks the circus director.

“I’ve got a cat tha...

What do you call a high ranking cat

An Aristocat.

This year, every one of my kids agreed that they wanted a cat for Christmas

In retrospect, I should have just gone with the Turkey, like I do every year.

If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

However, if you want nothing said or done, ask a cat.

What do you call a bunch of dead cats on the side of the road?

Litter.

I can’t leave my cat

She kneads me.

After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

Why are cat’s carvings expensive?

Because they start from scratch



I’m bad at this aren’t I

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws

The cat

A wife went on a business trip leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? Y...

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Little boy tells his teacher he found a dead cat...

"Well, how did you know it was dead?", asks the teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it did not move", tells the boy nonchalantly.

"You did whaat now??!", screamed the teacher ready to faint.

"You know", explains the boy, "I just leant over and went psst in its ear and it d...

I asked my cat to comment on Brexit

She said that they should repeatedly ask to leave, and when the door opens, they should just stare at it. That’s what she would do.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

I have never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

(X post) Weaponized Saber-tooth cats would be a real menace.

They're armed to the teeth.

So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.

The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.

"Sir, we have good news and bad news."

I bought my cat a new car

It's a me-audi

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

What do you call an ocean full of dogs and(or) cats?

The Pawcific

Why are German cats depressed?

Because they have nein lives

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, an arsonist, a necrophile and a masochist see a cat in the street

The sadist proclaims loudly, "I want to torture that cat."

Not to be easily outdone, the rapist says, "I want to torture that cat and then fuck it."

Following suit, the murderer says "I want to torture the cat, fuck it and then kill it."

The arsonist says, "I wanna torture the c...

I ate the cats medication by accident

Don’t ask meow.

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...