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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophi...

Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm were driving along when a cop pulls them over.

Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Cop: You were doing 55 in a 30.

Heisenberg: Great, now I'm lost.

Cop: What's in the trunk?

Scrodinger: My cat.

The cop opens the trunk.

Cop: Your cat is ...

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

What does a cat with a lisp catch?

A mouth.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

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Why'd they throw the cat in prison?

It was caught looking at kitty porn

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowntain.

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts?

Purrkour

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

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I seriously hate cat calling

The fucking cat never comes home when I call.

octopus: [gun in each hand]

cat: you’re one short buddy

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

I know people say dogs are smarter than cats

But cats don't tell the police where you hid your drugs.

Why Can't Cats Go To Space?

They're afraid of the vacuum.

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar

Schrödinger's cat doesn't walks into a bar.

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

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My cat won in a competition for having the best butt

Its a catastrophe

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?

An octo-puss

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas

Normally I do turkey but hey, if it wil make them happy.

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What do cats and women have in common?

They both fucking hate me

Why do cats like to step on computer keyboards?

jfjkl;fdasljki;l nkfskllkteqjpteqjwtjokkkkkkkllllll..

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

Schrodinger's Cat jokes are the best

...and also the worst.

I don't have any jokes about large cats

If I said I did, I'd be "lion"

How do you call a cats personal space?

It's his own catmosphere

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

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Are you more of a Dog or Cat people?

I'm more of a bird people, preferably seared in garlic butter.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

Sad Schrodinger's cat be like

I am alive but I am dead inside.

What is a cat's favorite island?

Meowi

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NSFW: what do The PJ Masks ‘Gecko’ and ‘Cat Boy’ use to clean up after sex?

A moist Owlette.

What do cats have for dessert?

Mice Crispies

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Our street is full of cat shit.

Litter alley.

I had to put my cat down today.

She's overweight and my arms were getting tired.

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

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My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

How do cannibals like their cats?

r/aww

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

Cat died

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and does...

Did you know cats can memorize up to 120 commands?

They just don't want to.

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

How did one-two-three cat beat un-deux-trois cat in their boat race?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

Cats vs Dogs

Dogs: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. You must be God.

Cats: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. I must be God.

Did you hear about the Catholic cat?

He got stuck in purrrgatory.

So I asked my cat who his favorite socialist was.

He just looked at me and said Mao.

I was playing games on my pc and my cat kept jumping onto my desk.

I had to put him down.

When older women begin accumulating cats...

It's called "many paws".

A cat goes to the opthalmologist because he's having trouble seeing things.

The doctor checks his eyes.
Cat - "What is it doctor?"
Doctor - "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Cat-aracts"

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

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A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

After four months of sobriety, my cat relapsed and started doing catnip again...

The worst kind of nip-slip.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

My cat didn't like being picked up.

I guess I should have worded it better when I told the vet to put him down.

What do you get if you mix a cat with wool?

Mittens

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Q: What are the similarities between a nun and a stalking cat?

A: A patient pussy

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

What do you call a cat that you wear on your wrist?

Aristocrat

I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know

You want to hear a cat joke?

Just kitten.

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What did the giraffe say to the cat?

Get the fuck off my tree

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

A husband comes home with a cat as a surprise to cheer up his wife who's been depressed lately since her mother passed away...

The cat was sneaking around the kitchen and knocked over some canned beans in the process. This made quite a bit of noise so when the wife went to the kitchen to investigate, she was pleasantly surprised to see that the cat was out of the bag and that she had spilled the beans.

I had a pet cat,

but in a tragic accident, the entire front half of him blew up. To memorialize him, I took what was remaining of him to a taxidermist. Now, all I have to remember him by is a cat-ass-trophy.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

What did the cat say after hearing to a funny joke ?

Lmao.

Why are French cats so happy?

They're always going lmao.

If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it right now.

\*by now.

What do you call a cat that tries to convince you to pet it?

Purr-suasion

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

How did the cat get his promotion at work

He clawed his way to the top

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

If you pour salt on a cat's tail, it'll fall off.

If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it weh us.".

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

My friend's car runs on cats.

Just listen to that engine purr.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

Knock Knock

Who's there,
Cat,
Cat who,
Cat let me out,

Knock Knock,
Who's there,
Cat,
Cat who,
Cat let me in,

Knock Knock,
Who's there,
Cat,
Cat who,
Cat let me out,

Knock Knock,
Who's there,
Cat,
Cat who,
Cat let me in,

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