I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I accidentially ran over Schrodinger's cat.

Not sure if I should feel guilty or not.

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.

He was too.

Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

I think my cat might be a communist!

He keeps calling out for the Chinese leader, just, "Mao" "Mao" "Mao" over and over again!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi's

why are there no cats on mars?

because Curiosity killed them all

Two cats swim in a race. One is named one-two-three and the other is named un-deux-trois. Which cat won the race?

One-two-three because un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

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The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the ...

A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say?

"Gimme your marbles!"

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

What do you call a suicidal cat?

Curiosity

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

What do you call a cat copying off of another cat?

.....a cheetah!

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

How much did the Cats movie cost to make?

Just the artistic integrity of everyone involved.

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I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

T...

People often tell me "There is more than one way to skin a cat"

But no one is ready to show me even one way

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

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What is the most popular sex move with a cat girl

Sixty nyaan

Two cats tried to cross a river

There were 2 cats
The first cat name was One Two Three and the other Un Deux Trois.

They both tried to cross a river, but only One Two Three made it. Why?






Cuz Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.

What’s Bloomberg’s favorite cat food?

Friskies

What does Bloomberg feed his cat?

Stop and Friskies

Fun fact: Cats can understand around 56 vocal commands.

They just choose to ignore all of them.

Where did the cat go after losing its tail?

to the retail store.

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

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Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,

So my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

My ex told me I would die alone with my cats.

Jokes on her. Cats already dead

Wanna hear a great cat joke?

Just kitten. I don't have one.

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A German Sheperd, Doberman and cat died.

All three faces the god who wants to know what they believe in.

the german sheperd says: " i beleive in disclipine and loyalty to my master".

So God says him to sit on his right side.

then it was the turn of doberman and it says" i believe in the love,care and protection of my ...

My cat passed away

two months ago but to this day I still avoid to step over her spot in the kitchen.

Don't you think it's time to bury her?

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

What kind of Christians like the movie Cats the most?

Evanjellicles.

Why was the Cat arrested?

He committed a feline-y.

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

My wife made us late and we missed the previews before new movie Cats...

...I hate when she makes me miss the best part of movies

what do we call a pair of identical twin cats?

Duplicats

My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her.

I told my dog and we both had a laugh over it.

What’s a Puerto Rican cats favorite meal?

Mice and Beans

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[NSFW] A rooster sees a cat fall in a pool and starts laughing hysterically.

What's the moral of the story?

A wet pussy makes a happy cock.

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Why did the perverted cat get arrested?

Because he got caught watching kitty porn.

I called my cat Photoshop...



...but she reacts only to abbreviation.

What do you get when you cross a cat and a scientist?

Nobody knows, we haven't opened the box yet.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?

A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws

How to kill a cat

Toss it under one side of an 18 wheeler, so that it gets ran over 9 times.

I asked my cat how he's able to live life so adventurously...

...he told me you just have to live in the meow.

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

People, BEWARE. I had 2 tickets for the movie CATS inside my car...

...people broke the window and left 4 more.

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

How do you make a cat happy?

Send it to the Canary islands!

I liked the cats movie because...

for once my parents were disappointed in something other than me.

Cat puns really freak meowt.

I’m not kitten.

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool?

She had mittens!

A musician sees a pile of short cats

He says: "Hey, a staccato!"

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

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Why do cats stick one leg straight up in the air when they lick their anus?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job?

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

Why do cats always get what they want?

They can be very purr-suasive!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

I've just accidentally swallowed the cat's tablets.

Don't ask meow.

I'm taking my cat into the vet....

He's getting a cat scan

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

Cats The Musical

As long as "Cats" aren't in control, we're fine.

If I was an injured cat,

Me: Ow.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

There were three guys on a plane

The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane.
The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane.
The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of t...

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

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Gave the cats a bath today, made me feel quite manly...

...because now there is wet pussy all over the house

How does a cat become aggressive?

From scratch.


I'll let myself out.

What do cats eat on hot summer days?

A mice-cream cone!
Ha, ha ha

What do you call a nun that is extremely fond of cats ?

A cat-holic

What do you call a cat with a sports car?

A furr-ari...

I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my cats medication the other day...

Just don't ask me-ow

What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

When it starts raining cats and dogs:

*Please seek shelters*

Pet shelters





Sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If cats were people, I would fight them

But they're all pussies

What do you call a disabled cat that does DIY?

A handicat

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

What do you call a wizard who only uses his magic to revive dead cats?

A Nekomancer

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

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A castrated dog chases a cat

The cat climbs up a tree and says :
"You don't have the balls to kill me! "

I hate the musical Cats, so I'm loving these reviews

Seeing the movie so panned is just meowsic to my ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

What's a black cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple.

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

How do French cats laugh?

“L’mao”

(My kids’ joke) What did the cat say when it got scratched?

Meowch

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a cat fish?

One is a slimy bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy

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A french twitch streamer shoves an egg up his cat's butt

Can I get un oeuf in chat, please?

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

How does a pirate cat-call in the 21st century?

Yo-ho!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it will calm me down."

The second, a ...

I named my cat Brexit

Because he meows loudly to be let out but just stands there when I open the door.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”



“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized ...

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

What do you call a cat that’s iron man?

Feline

It was raining cats and dogs last night, how did I know?

I stepped in a poodle

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

I accidentally took my cats medication today.

Don't ask me'ow I did it

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

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