Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

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Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

I lost all my exotic sea creatures

And I can't buy them back because I don't have anemone.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

My friend Dave is a creature of habit

He wakes up at the same time, takes the same route to work, has the same breakfast each day, we call him dave ja vu.

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors...

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Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

What group of creatures go by the base-8 code number 3.110375524210264302151423063050560067016321122011160210514763071...?

Octopi.

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

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Which creature has the best sense of hearing on earth?

a boy while masturbating.

Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.

Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

Why don't sea creatures get divorced?

Because they can't afford abalone.

Scientists have created a type of brightly coloured sea creatures...

When i found out about this I yelled, "oh the hue-manatee!"

The paraplegic mythical creature wasn't walking...

He was draggin!

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures;

they only use pubic transportation.

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An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.

The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"

"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.

The boy then poin...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?

Luiz Suarez.

In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the el...

I am ironman.

God and Adam are having an argument one day over who is the strongest and most versatile creature in creation.

"The leopard can run faster than anything on land and the elephant contains the strength of one hundred of you," God told Adam.

Adam glared at God defiantly, "But I can outthi...

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My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

My Dad is sending Tobey, my Labrador away for the next week

My dad just came up to me and said "Son, I am going to be sending Tobey away to the kennels tomorrow for a week." I asked Dad whilst rubbing Tobey's ears "Why!? Why send him away, Dad. He is a 9 and a half year old Labrador who needs his creature comforts; like his blanket, companionship from us and...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

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Aliens!!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The young...

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I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp

Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge. But today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross.

“Something for this I have,” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular, dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He ta...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

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Near the beginning

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

Why are Nuns so predictable?

Because they are creatures of Habit. :)

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkee...

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

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Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...



One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday. Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people would just look...

The word "Politics" is derived from two Greek words

"Poly" meaning "many" and "ticks" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

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Trial for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling uncomfortable due to her condition.

She changed her seat and the man seemed more amused.

She moved again and the man laughed even more!

She f...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

So a mentally challenged man walks into a seafood restaurant...

...and sees a tank of live creatures. As an employee walks by, he grabs her attention, and asks, “Is that a breakdancing lobster?” He points at one of the creatures wildly flipping around and acting insane. The worker takes a moment and responds, saying, “No, that’s just a cray fish...”

A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to ea...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.


"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend...

Hunting in the African Safari

This joke was passed down to me by my Austrian grandfather through my mother. This is dark humor.

(Mom): "Did I ever tell you about your Grandfather's hunting trips?"

(Me): "No, where'd he go?"

(Mom): "For work, he'd travel to Africa a lot, and would occasionally meet with other...

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As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church, the squir...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

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