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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What do you call a swimming creature that hates violence?

A pacifish

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Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

A creature is born of a lion mother and an eagle father. How does he get into Hogwart’s?

The Gryffindor

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

What sea creature was in ww2?

It was adolfin

What sea creature likes knock knock jokes?

A Knocktopus

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During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

What do you call a homeless sea creature?

A street urchin!

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

Whales are the saddest creatures in the world.

They always have a heavy heart.

Thanos is the most efficient creature in the universe

He killed billions of birds with 6 stones

When you see helpless crawling creatures...

They are out of HAND!

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

I told a joke to a giant sea creature the other day.

I knew it was a good one because they were kraken up.

(Thought of this joke at 2am the other day, hope ya like it)

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth?

They have snow friends.

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard eating cabbages of his garden. The man, who had never seen anything like it before, ran to his neighbours house and said ‘Neighbour Neighbour a huge, weird creature is in my garden. Come look! He’s picking up cabbages with his tail and you won...

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

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what do you call a evil creature with boobs?

a soulless entitty

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.

Merry Christmas Reddit!

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

So I saw a picture of a little girl holding a lion cub (female)

I decided to show my 9yo son the picture and told him that when that creature grew up she would become one of the most feared and deadly creatures on the planet.

He looked at me with a shocked look in his eyes "really dad she will be that dangerous," he said.

"Yep," I said, "and right ...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

I suggested a unique slogan to my favorite steak place...

We have a place for all God's creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

You may not like it at first, but it grows on you later.

What's a creature with a hundred legs, crawls, is ugly and has infectious diarrhoea?



Dysentrypede

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.

He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

I was at the hippo enclosure at the zoo one day...

I was at the hippo enclosure at the zoo one day when I saw a grossly obese woman and her equally fat husband. As they stood watching the animals, ice creams in hand, the wife was berating the husband.

"*Would ya look at this fat disgusting creature? It looks like you! If you'd stop feeding ...

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

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If Herodotus was a vlogger

It's ya boi Herodotus back atch ya with another travlog!

So, I was in Delphi, and man, they be real mad with em Spartans.

Not taking sides, just my 2 Drachmae. Maybe my Athenian homies should've toned down their backstabbing a little bit, so that those Spartan hunks didn't have to canc...

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

A rabbi, priest, and a shaolin monk walk into a bar.

When they sit down, they begin to debate over which of their religions is the correct one to follow.

After much debate and many drinks, the monk has an idea.

"What if we all tried to convert a very wild, very powerful creature, like a bear, to our own religion? Whoever succeeds must tr...

Oh Possums!

As a band of possums had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the possums were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with god's divine will.
...

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

"What are you?" asks the cat.

"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.

I just love mischief!

And what, may I ask, creatu...

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Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

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Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

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God creating critters

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

Me and my friend were out camping in a thick tropical forest.

As we set camp for the night, we were being swarmed by huge mosquitoes. My friend, being a person who was brought up in a posh neighborhood, had never seen such an insect and was terrified. After having a hard time spraying mosquito repellent inside the camp and our sleeping bags, we slid into our s...

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled. The angel ...

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

I lost all my exotic sea creatures

And I can't buy them back because I don't have anemone.

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

What do you call a silly burrowing creature who hates copyright?

Crash bandicam

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

What movies teach us:

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote basketball / baseball.

4. Aliens have specia...

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

I was trekking through the Brazilian rain forest with LL Cool J...

... when from out of nowhere a small creature lept from the trees and hit me straight in the face knocking me unconscious.

I woke a few moments later and asked LL what had happened. He said, "A Marmoset knocked you out"

What group of creatures go by the base-8 code number 3.110375524210264302151423063050560067016321122011160210514763071...?

Octopi.

A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip

The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father.

"No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm".

"He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet i...

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof.

So she ordered me to sleep on the floor.

Why don't sea creatures get divorced?

Because they can't afford abalone.

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My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

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