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Creature Jokes

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What's the most useless creature in existence?

Mermaids. You can neither eat them nor fuck them.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

Interesting creature!

What is Green and Brown, has 22 Balls, Eight Legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A Pool table

What’s the worst crime a slime creature can commit?

Gelatany

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What mythical creature fights for the rights of other mythical creatures?

Unioncorns.

What's a Dominatrix's favorite creature in Greek mythology?

PegAsses

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

Poor Creature

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an ani...

What mythical creature always gets lost?

A where-wolf

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

You’ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

How did the small bear looking creature get home after his vehicle died?

Ewok'd the rest of the way.

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth?

They have snow friends.

What sea creature likes knock knock jokes?

A Knocktopus

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

There are creatures in my house…

… who sit in the same spot all day long, expect food to come to them, and leave silky white stuff everywhere.

Such is life with male teenagers.

Which mythical creature has the hardest time reproducing?

A Unic- horn.

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

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Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

What was Palpatine’s Favorite thing to feed avian creatures?

Suet!

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

What mythical creature keeps time for trains at the station?

A metro-gnome

What do you call a swimming creature that hates violence?

A pacifish

What do you call a homeless sea creature?

A street urchin!

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.

He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."

So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...

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My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist?

The Centaur for disease control.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

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Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.

Merry Christmas Reddit!

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what do you call a evil creature with boobs?

a soulless entitty

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

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Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

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During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

What's the saddest sea-creature?

abalonely

Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.

Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.

The paraplegic mythical creature wasn't walking...

He was draggin!

A creature is born of a lion mother and an eagle father. How does he get into Hogwart’s?

The Gryffindor

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

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Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls...

[NSFW]

Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls that would roost on her roof and leave their smelly droppings on her rose bushes.

One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildl...

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

What do you call a silly burrowing creature who hates copyright?

Crash bandicam

Why don't sea creatures get divorced?

Because they can't afford abalone.

Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures;

they only use pubic transportation.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

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Which creature has the best sense of hearing on earth?

a boy while masturbating.

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

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A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset

A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset. At dusk, a craft descended from the heavens and hovered in place thirty feet above their heads. Suddenly, they found themselves transported to the interior of the craft where two beings stood in front of them.

They had the app...

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

Dolphins are the second most intelligent creatures on the planet second only to man

Pushing down women to third

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

What group of creatures go by the base-8 code number 3.110375524210264302151423063050560067016321122011160210514763071...?

Octopi.

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A young man walks into a bar looking annoyed and sullen. "What's the matter, son?" asks an older patron.

The young man sighs.

"I have a girlfriend who's very nice and very pretty."

"So? What's the problem?"

"Actually, she's not just pretty. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life."

"That sounds great."

"Not only that, she also adores me and wants to b...

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A gorilla passes away at the zoo

A gorilla passed away at the zoo right before it opens for the day.
It was the only gorilla in the zoo since they weren't a very profitable creature. However, the gorilla was very popular and the zoo couldnt afford to open without it.

The zoo manager asked one of his employees to wear a ...

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?

Luiz Suarez.

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

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