UPJOKE
beastanimalcritterpredatorinvertebratemonkeyapespiderfaunabrutepuppetwighttooladulttame

What mythical creature fights for the rights of other mythical creatures?

Unioncorns.

What happens if you inject a particular kind of sea creature with steroids?

Youโ€™ve made yourself a very powerful anemone

Interesting creature!

What is Green and Brown, has 22 Balls, Eight Legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A Pool table

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife..

A drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife. He's so drunk he instantly passes out. A while after passing out he is awoken by a bright light emanating from the end of the bed. He struggles to get himself into a sitting position and after doing so sees that there is a figure in or behind the light.
...

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

How did the small bear looking creature get home after his vehicle died?

Ewok'd the rest of the way.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. โ€œLook also on the other side,โ€ said the poor creature, โ€œmy hus...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

A blonde and an alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde ...

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in...

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle todayโ€ฆ

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesnโ€™t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What mythical creature always gets lost?

A where-wolf

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, thereโ€™s a long break in the ledge they canโ€™t cross. โ€œSomething for this I have.โ€ Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yodaโ€™s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

Whatโ€™s the most curious creature?

An axolotl
Because they ax o lot ol questions

What mythical creature keeps time for trains at the station?

A metro-gnome

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vetโ€™s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
โ€œThereโ€ says the vet,โ€ Your hamster is deadโ€.
Still not ha...

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.

Merry Christmas Reddit!

Poor Creature

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an ani...

There are creatures in my houseโ€ฆ

โ€ฆ who sit in the same spot all day long, expect food to come to them, and leave silky white stuff everywhere.

Such is life with male teenagers.

Which mythical creature has the hardest time reproducing?

A Unic- horn.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam โ€œI have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.โ€
Adam asks God, โ€œalright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?โ€
God tells Adam โ€œyou can go and hold Eveโ€™s hand, Adam. Hereโ€™s how.โ€
God explain how they should hold ha...

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist?

The Centaur for disease control.

What do you call a swimming creature that hates violence?

A pacifish

What sea creature likes knock knock jokes?

A Knocktopus

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

So an tiger was smoking in the forest...

... a rat happened past and started laying into him: "We live in such a beautiful forest; you are such a majestic and beautiful creature, why the hell are you killing yourself like this. Come with me and I'll show you sights to live for!"

Intrigued the tiger drops his cigarette and follows th...

A creature is born of a lion mother and an eagle father. How does he get into Hogwartโ€™s?

The Gryffindor

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do you need before having sex with a mythical creature?

Consentaur

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

Theyโ€™ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard theyโ€™re being called For lease naโ€™vi Dads

Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth?

They have snow friends.

What do you call a homeless sea creature?

A street urchin!

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

Iโ€™d have to pick: My girlfriend.

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, โ€œWhy the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombatโ€ฆ

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage

Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.

"What in the world is he doing?" shouted one.

"Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled...

One large woodland creature that canโ€™t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that canโ€™t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that canโ€™t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that canโ€™t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells...

When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells a hole begins to firm that exists throughout their entire lives as their gastrointestinal tract.

Some creatures form from the mouth down.

Others the other way around.

Humans fall into the second category.

So everyone readin...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacherโ€™s snare. The t...

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with Godโ€™s will.

ย 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms, whispers an address to the driver, and off they go...

The taxi driver sees something in the rear-view mirror that startles him.
"Ma'am, something's wrong with your puppy, isn't it?", to which the lady replies.
"It doesn't have l...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I donโ€™t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

Iโ€™ve started adopting sea creatures.

Itโ€™s my porpoise in life.

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded โ€œAโ€ for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But theyโ€™re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didnโ€™t get in line. I knew it was a trickโ€ฆ

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

Adam and God

Adam was walking through the garden of Eden, observing all the many animals God had created. He noticed that every creature had a companion, a perfect match, except for himself. Feeling lonely he finally decided to talk to God:

\- Lord, I see that you have created a companion for every creatu...

Dolphins are the second most intelligent creatures on the planet second only to man

Pushing down women to third

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.

Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Which creature has the best sense of hearing on earth?

a boy while masturbating.

What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?

Luiz Suarez.

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.