What ugly mythical creature is constantly eating?

A goblin

Quantum physicists are the most complecated creatures.

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.

The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"

"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.

The boy then poin...

A Halloween joke?

A homeless man named Sturgis was walking down to his town's Human Resources to apply for housing assisstance. When he gets there, he sees some strange creatures in line ahead of him. Cousin It from the Adams' family was there, as well as the Looney Tunes version of Mr. Hyde. Among them was your typi...

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

Religious squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had ta...

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

My friend Dave is a creature of habit

He wakes up at the same time, takes the same route to work, has the same breakfast each day, we call him dave ja vu.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

I am ironman.

God and Adam are having an argument one day over who is the strongest and most versatile creature in creation.

"The leopard can run faster than anything on land and the elephant contains the strength of one hundred of you," God told Adam.

Adam glared at God defiantly, "But I can outthi...

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the el...

My Dad is sending Tobey, my Labrador away for the next week

My dad just came up to me and said "Son, I am going to be sending Tobey away to the kennels tomorrow for a week." I asked Dad whilst rubbing Tobey's ears "Why!? Why send him away, Dad. He is a 9 and a half year old Labrador who needs his creature comforts; like his blanket, companionship from us and...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

I lost all my exotic sea creatures

And I can't buy them back because I don't have anemone.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Near the beginning

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

Women say all men are dogs

but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

A scot visited Canada for the first time

A scot visited Canada for the first time. While sightseeing he saw a strange, giant creature he had never seen before.
"What the fook was that?" He asked a local.
"Oh that? That's a moose." Said the local.
"A moose?" The scottish exclaimed. "How big are your rats?!"

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute an...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.