What mythical creature always gets lost?

A where-wolf

There are creatures in my house…

… who sit in the same spot all day long, expect food to come to them, and leave silky white stuff everywhere.

Such is life with male teenagers.

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

What’s the most curious creature?

An axolotl
Because they ax o lot ol questions

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

What mythical creature keeps time for trains at the station?

A metro-gnome

Which mythical creature has the hardest time reproducing?

A Unic- horn.

Sooo, are you....?

An elephant meets a boa for the first time. Intrigued, he asks him:

\- You're a weird creature ... how do you move? You have no legs.

\- Well, it's simple, I'm crawling…

\- Oh, Okay!

The elephant start to move, but, even more intrigued, he turns and asks again:

\- ...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist?

The Centaur for disease control.

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

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When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells...

When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells a hole begins to firm that exists throughout their entire lives as their gastrointestinal tract.

Some creatures form from the mouth down.

Others the other way around.

Humans fall into the second category.

So everyone readin...

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

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Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

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My ex and her parrot.

My ex had a talking parrot. This large kind with curved beak and multicolored feathers.

That disgusting creature talked all day and night never shutting its mouth!

And the parrot had to listen to all that crap.

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

A creature is born of a lion mother and an eagle father. How does he get into Hogwart’s?

The Gryffindor

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

What sea creature likes knock knock jokes?

A Knocktopus

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

Back in 2006, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully...

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During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

Whales are the saddest creatures in the world.

They always have a heavy heart.

I went into a labyrinth once...

On the way in, this guy told me there was this half-man, half-bull creature in there who would show me around.

I said "Will it take long to get round?"

He said "It's a minor tour".

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Truck driver Mike and the alien

I'm from Germany, so I hope it doesn't get lost in translation.
Mike the truck driver is on the highway at night when the radio station he's listening to sends a special report about UFO's and aliens been spotted only a bit in front of him. "... they're about 4 feet tall with arms reaching...

What do you call a homeless sea creature?

A street urchin!

Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth?

They have snow friends.

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.

Merry Christmas Reddit!

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

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What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students.

She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.” The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , a...

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

An Italian man is waiting for a bus...

A creature of habit, he does so at the same time every day, except on Sundays - that's the Lord's day.

Every day he waits for the bus he is joined by a French man, and every day the French man sniffs his middle and index fingers saying "Fifi".

*sniff* "Fifi" *sniff* "Fifi" *sniff* "Fif...

Silly Rabbi

There was a village at the base of a mountain inhabited by mystical creatures known as Trids.
Each year the Trids would climb the mountain. At the very top of the mountain lived a goblin. Upon reaching the top of the mountain the goblin would kick the Trids back down. The Trids loved this tradit...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...

Because I'm Dragon Ass

What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

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Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

What do you call a woodland creature that takes your car without your permission?

Common deer

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

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Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

Warning! Nun pun...

They’re “creatures of habit.”

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard eating cabbages of his garden. The man, who had never seen anything like it before, ran to his neighbours house and said ‘Neighbour Neighbour a huge, weird creature is in my garden. Come look! He’s picking up cabbages with his tail and you won...

What group of creatures go by the base-8 code number 3.110375524210264302151423063050560067016321122011160210514763071...?

Octopi.

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

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My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

A child of age 7, was never allowed to leave home. Not for games, not even for studies. Most of the world was unknown to him.

One day, playing near the window, he saw an elephant in their cabbage farming eating away at their cabbages. The child went running to his Mom with fear and curiosity in his eyes

"Mom there is a huge creature on our farm! I saw it grabbing cabbages with its tail but ..
I couldn't understan...

My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof.

So she ordered me to sleep on the floor.

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Which creature has the best sense of hearing on earth?

a boy while masturbating.

Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.

Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.

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So I took my son to see his Mom at work at the animal sanctuary and my wife brought out a lioness to meet us

Me: Son you see her she is one of the fiercest and most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Son: Really Dad are you scared of her daddy.

Me: Hell yeah, even the lioness doesn't wanna fuck with her you think I will

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

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