Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

A Max Miller Poem

I like the girls who do, I like the girls who don't, I

like the girls who say they will, And then decide they won't.

But the girls I like the most of all, And I know you'll think I'm right,

Are the girls that say they never will, But look as though they might!


...

I applaud Samuel Miller, the man who invented the jackhammer.

He had a groundbreaking idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the oth...

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

Trump: "The less immigrants we allow, the better!"

Miller: "The fewer..."

Trump: "Stephen! I told you never to call me that in public!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of school...

... and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "P...

If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

Mac Miller recently passed away.

All of his homies are wearing their pants at half mast in his honor

I know there are about to be a lot of jokes about Mac Miller but please, keep the quantity down

I'd hate to overdose on them

People are worried about the Coronavirus...

I just found out the Miller Brewery is going to be closed for the next week!

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're n...

From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

TJ Miller should change his name...

...to TJ Maxx: A disorganized mess of stuff that can now be had at a severe discount to it's previous value.

T.J. Miller has brought his comedy to a whole new level

At least when it comes to bombing

T.J. Miller and I have so much in common!

We're both not going to be in Deadpool 3

Sergeant Miller!

Yes sir?

I didn't see you at the camouflage training yesterday!

Thank you sir!

The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: “I’ll have a Bud”
Miller: “MGD for me”
Heineken: “I’ll have a Heineken”
Guinness: “Iced tea”

Everyone stares.

Guinness replies: “what? If you aren’t drinking beer, neither am I!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill worked at the mill before the work did slack off.
The miller cried, I can't decide, whether to lay Jill or Jack off.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Miller Light and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[att. Aesop] The Miller and His Son

A MILLER and his son were driving their Ass to a neighboring fair to sell him.

They had not gone far when they met with a troop of women collected round a well, talking and laughing. "Look there," cried one of them, "did you ever see such fellows, to be trudging along the road on foot when...

Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...

And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!" And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!" And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola." The other two tu...

Beer CEOs walk into a bar...

The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: ...

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Mr. Jones...

My first drink with my son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elsie

Jim moved from the big city to a small town. After a couple of days, Jim realized that he'd barely seen any women in the town.

Jim went to the bar after work one day and sat down next to a local. "I just moved into town a few days ago," Jim told the man, "and I've barely seen a single woman h...

A joke from a friend.

4 beer company owners walk into a bar. The owners of Bud, Miller, Coors, and Guiness.
The bartender asks for what they want.
The owner of Bud replies with Bud Light.
The owner of Coors replies with Coors light.
The owner of Miller replies with Miller light.
The owner of Guiness r...

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Be...

Catholics will get it :-)

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking,...

An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"

The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"

A general overhears this a...

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"

"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."

"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter interviews a 100-year-old man...(long)

A man in the country turns 100 years old, and a reporter is sent to interview him.

"You must have had some pretty good experiences. Tell me about one."

"Well," replies the old-timer. "There was that time when I was a kid, when Mr. Douglas's sheep got lost in the woods. Me and my co...

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.

One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll take a Budweiser!

A blonde enters a bar and orders a Miller. Drink after drink she gets more and more loose with all the guys at the bar. One guy gets bold and starts hitting on her. At the end of the night the guy takes her home and bangs the shit out of her, I mean he really gave it to her. After that the guy didn'...

Stay neglectful my friends

I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don'...

Coffee with Jesus

A Republican in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The
Republican looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus
sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that
she give Jesus a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lady walks into a bar...

A good looking woman who was known to get blackout drunk after drinking one bottle of beer walks into a tavern and orders a bottle of Budweiser. She finishes the beer, a few minutes pass, and she yells out; "I wanna make love to every guy in here"! And she does. Next evening, she goes to the same ba...

Why is it bad that Peyton Manning shilled for Budweiser?

Because he clearly owed the win to Miller.

5.5 Quake Shakes L.A.

Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business.
~ Scott Miller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 Truths For Mature Humans

http://nookbank.com/jokes

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap ...

Guy comes into my bar and wants any beer but a stinkin Budweiser.

So I pour him a Coors light.
He slams it down and says
"Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of them stinkin Budweisers!"
So I pour him a Lone Star and he slams it back like the previous pint. "Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of those stinkin...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.