UPJOKE
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A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

A moth walks into a bar, the bartender says cheerfully“Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”

The moth says no.
How about a beer? The bartender asks happily.
No, the moth says.
Ok, the bartender says, testily, how about wine?
No.
Shots?
No.
Fuzzy navel?
... no
Well what the hell do you want to drink? The bartender says angrily.
Nothing, says the moth.
Well if...

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they can get inside it in the first place.

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An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily

‌‌

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌...

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

Doctor. I think I'm a moth

A man goes to see a surgeon and says,

Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."

Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"

Man: "Your light was on."

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Alot of people are like moths

Attracted to light but stuck in the dark.

Originally, I meant this seriously and posted it in r/showerthoughts, but once it was autobotted I realized it was a pun too

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A moth walks into a podiatriats office

The podiatrist says, "What seems to be the problem today?"

Moth says, "What seems to be the problem? Where do I begin?!

"I slave away all day at a job I hate and barely bring home enough to pay the bills. I'm going to have to get a second job just to keep the lights on. I don't even kn...

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Have you ever smelled moth balls before?

Thats funny, how did you get their tiny legs apart?

“Waiter, there’s a moth in my cider!”

“I’m so sorry sir! Let me get you a darker cider.”

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

A woman who is 3 moths pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well it ...

If you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what have you got?

A bloody big moth!

a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”

Understandably conf...

If I have a four-ounce moth ball in my left hand, and a four-ounce moth ball in my right hand, what do I have?

The undivided attention of a *humungous* great moth.

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A moth is on his death bed, surrounded by family. “Go to the light!” says his wife...

The moth opens one eye and says- “No shit, bitch!”

Why do moths fly with their legs open?

Have you seen the size of moth balls?

A moth and a firefighter walk into a bar...

It was alight.

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."

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Moth are not actually attracted to lights

That's just where all the big tiddy moth bitches hang out

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A moth goes to the pediatrist.

The pediatrist asks him what the problem is. The moth sighs and says, “Well...it’s my job. I’ve been at the mill for nigh on two decades and I have begun to feel like I’m just plugging along waiting for the end. I’m still working toward something, but I thought by the time I got to be this age I’d h...

I’m a moth

I walked into a dentist’s office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.

I said, “I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “You’re a moth?”

I said, “Yes! I’m a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I’m a moth!”

The dentist said, “Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist’s...

The doctor gave me six moths to live.

I shot him. The judge gave me twenty years. Problem solved.

What is a moth’s favorite type of glasses?

Lampshades!

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Everyone keeps saying they hate the smell of moth balls

But I just keep wondering how they spread those tiny legs apart.

I was organizing my closet and decided to smell the moth balls. Yuck.

The hardest part was holding his tiny legs apart.

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I just realized I have no idea what moth balls smell like. Have you ever smelled a moth ball before?

“Yeah, they’re awful!”

How’d you manage to get those tiny legs apart?

Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.

You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...

I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth...

That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…

Professor: this is the largest species of moth that we know of

Me: \*under breath\* ᵐᵃᵐᵐᵒᵗʰ

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks ...

How can you tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

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A moth walks into a podiatrists office

Moth:hey there doc I’ve got a problem

Doctor:sure thing mr moth what can I help you with?

Moth:well you see doc, I lost my job because my boss is a total ass and I finally told him how I feel, got me fired. After that my wife left me because I wasn’t going to be making money for a whi...

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We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community...

We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community, and that traditionally most of the glamour goes to the entomologists who study the butterflies, because they're so pretty and colorful, rather than the brown and grey moths. So for 364 days a year, the butterflyers get all the glory. ...

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?" The moth replies, "Doc, let me tell you. I hate my job. Every single day I have to go & I hate my boss and I hate my job. I wake up every day next to a woman that I once loved, but I stopped loving her long a...

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A moth is sitting in the psychiatrist office...

So a moth is sitting in the therapist office, and the therapist says, "So, how's work?" And the moth says, "Oh it's great, just wonderful, just got a promotion which came with a nice raise, they moved me up to the 15th floor and now I have the greatest view of Seattle anyone could ask for." And so t...

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

What is the biggest moth called?

A mammoth.

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What do you call a moth in a supermarket?

I can't believe it's not butterfly.

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Moth Problem

A sales assistant walks up to an old lady in his store and asks if he can help.

The lady says, “Yes please. I have a bit of a moth problem at home and need something to get rid of them.”

The assistant points out where the mothballs are and the lady thanks him and buys a packet.
...

So a moth walks into a bar...

... which is odd because moths can fly.

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Moth psychiatrist

A moth walks into a physiotherapists office and says "I don't know what's up with me doc. I just feel really down all the time, I don't know where my life is heading".

The physio says "Why have you come here? I'm a physiotherapist, you need a psychiatrist".

The moth replies "Your light...

Why did the moth stick to the bride's face?

Because she was *GLOWING*

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Grandma’s Closet

When I was about 7 years old, I used to LOVE the smell of moth balls. It always reminded me of my grandmother’s closet. The only problem was that it was SUPER hard to spread the little fuckers legs apart.

How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

Moths can't change lightbulbs but they keep trying.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

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What's the worst part about smelling moth balls?

Having to move the moth dick out of the way first.

What's the moth's favourite car?

Lamporghini

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth?

It’s the old meth math moth myth.

Theoretically a goat can get impregnated by a moth.

Scientists have never attempted the experiment however, as they don't want to create more goth kids.

A moth goes to a podiatrist

The podiatrist asks "what seems to be the problem?"

The moth says "Doc, where do I begin man."
"I hate my job, my boss doesn't even seem to know I exist even though I've worked my ase off for him for 20 years"
"My marriage is a joke, sometimes I look at my wife and realise I hardly even...

What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?

Plaid tie.

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I know they are supposed to keep my closet fresh, but moth balls smell terrible.

It's not worth spreading their tiny, insect legs apart to smell them either.

How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but they are literally killing themselves trying.

I was aiming for a little light humour but I think it's actually rather dark because of the amount of death I've witnessed in the writing of this joke.

Written by Drew P. Robertson on July 19th 2015 just in case of any fu...

Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution.

The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.



“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.



“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”

Why did the moth kill the other moth?

He was a member of the Mothia.

Mothballs

A small town guy comes into a pharmacy and asks the guy at the counter:

"What do you have to get rid of the darn moths?"

The pharmacist sells him a pack of mothballs.

A day later he comes in and asks for fifty packs.

"Why do you need so many?" asks the pharmacist

-...

How can you tell if a moth farts?

It flies straight for a moment.


(My earliest joke I can remember. Sorry if it’s a repost.)

Guy walks into a doctor’s office convinced he’s a moth.

Doc: What’s wrong sir?
Guy: I’m a moth.
Doc: Excuse me?
Guy: I’m convinced I’m a moth.
Doc: You don’t need a medical doctor, you need a psychiatrist.
Guy: I know, but your light was on.

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A man cheats with a married woman...

... and they are right in the middle of the act when suddenly they hear the front door opening.

"Quick hide in the bathroom", she says. Desperate but without a better idea he runs to bathroom naked.

The husband enters the bedroom and sees his wife naked in the bed.

"Honey, what...

Moth Joke

A moth goes into a dietitian's office looking very unwell.


The dietitian goes, "What seems to be the problem?"


The moth replies, "Where to start, doc? Each day I wake up at 6:00 a.m. next to a moth wife I once loved, who I have slowly drifted away from over the days. Her once...

A moth goes into a dentists office at 11 PM

He goes to the lady behind the counter and says "i just won a million dollars in the lottery. So i bought my parents a mansion. As soon as i did the mansion burnt down, killing both of my parents and then i got hit by a car breaking my arm. I've never been more depressed or in debt in my life."
<...

What did Mick Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

A moth flies into a Paediatrician's office...

Upon entering, he takes a seat and begins talking.

Moth: Doc, my life is coming apart. The wife has become very distant and my kids are giving me no notice. I'm starting to get really depressed all the time. I've been taking medication but it isn't helping.

The Paediatrician is confuse...

Why do moths throw the best parties?

Because whenever they get together its always lit

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