Where does the lumber mill keep their records?

In log books

What do you call a mill thats just ok?

A satisfactory.

Meek Mill's response

Textile Mill Heist

Earlier today police apprehended a criminal who had loaded an industrial-sized loom and 10 cubic meters of wool onto a truck in an attempted robbery of a local textile factory.

Police became suspicious of the truck when they noticed the driver weaving all over the road.

A buddy of mine quit his job at the paper mill,

He said the conditions were tearable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob works in a saw mill.

Bob works in a saw mill. One day he comes into work, and his friend Ted asks him, "Hey, did you hear about Joe?"

"No, what's up?"

"Well, he was working late last night and cut off his hand."

"Holy crap Ted, is he alright?"

"Oh yeah, we picked it up, put it in a ziplock ba...

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shamus....

Ya see tha' wall over there lad? I built that wall. I built that wall with mine own two hands. I chiseled every brick, laid every speck of mortar. 

But they don't call me Shamus the wall builder, no. 

Ya see tha' dock down there lad? I built that dock with mine own two hands. I drove e...

There once was an apple farm...

...which was ran by an old farmer, his daughter, and a hired hand. One day the daughter and the hired hand were working in the cider mill when one of the cider vats became clogged. The hired hand put on a long rubber glove and set to work un-clogging it. Just then, he received a phone call from the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] - A blind man interviews for a job....

...As a quality controller at the local wood mill.


The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.


The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front ...

All the screaming kids at work today, really made me miss the good old days.

Back when they would work a 9-5 down at the local iron mill.

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

A moth goes to the pediatrist.

The pediatrist asks him what the problem is. The moth sighs and says, “Well...it’s my job. I’ve been at the mill for nigh on two decades and I have begun to feel like I’m just plugging along waiting for the end. I’m still working toward something, but I thought by the time I got to be this age I’d h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents?

A Mill*yen*aire.

...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird.

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

A Blind Man walks into an all women's bar

He sits down and orders a shot. After the shot he asks, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The lady next to him leans over. She says, "Hey buddy, so I'm gonna tell you this because it seems like you don't know any better. I'm a blonde coal miner, that woman over at the bar is a blonde pro...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

Harry Houdini's pet bunny

Harry Houdini was a marvelous magician and loved his bunny very much. Houdini called him Mills. After years of watching Houdini perform Mills couldn't help but want to be a magician too. But Alas, he was a bunny. Before Houdini died he gave his bunny to a secret science lab and asked them to take ca...

A Boy on the farm

One day in the summertime, a young boy awoke and was very hungry. He groggily stumbled into his parents' room to find his mother stirring but still in bed.

"Mommy I'm hungry"

"Well honey go out to the coop and get some eggs and I'll cook breakfast."

So the boy went out across th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"

The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind gu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lumber Inspector for Hire

A blind guy applies for a job as a lumber inspector at the mill.

The boss, obviously confused, exclaims, "How can you grade wood well being blind?"

The blind guy retorts back saying he has an excellent sense of smell and to "Try it out."

Amused the boss grabs a piece of wood out...

Which rapper would you rather bring back from the dead?

- Tupac
- Biggie Smalls
- Eazy E
- Meek Mills

Beans and Mariage

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Fucking Tree

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring
lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman
who tells him all about the job, pay, and housing for all of the
lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go
to work at once.


But w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was cursed with a 4ft penis.

It was so big, it impacted everything he did. He could hardly get around, let alone have sex. So one day he goes to a doctor and the doctor tells him, "I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do for you, try the plastic surgeon." So he goes to the plastic surgeon, and he says, "I'm sorry, there's re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An IRS auditor visits a synagogue...

...and requests that the rabbi answer a few questions.

"You guys sure burn a lot of candles here. What do with all the leftover wax?" asks the auditor.

"Well, we try to be environmentally friendly, so we send it back to the candle factory, and they send us back new candles," answers t...

Two guys were working at a sawmill...

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," s...

So a Belgian finds a magic lamp...

...rubs it, and a genie comes out, with your standard run-of-the-mill three wishes speech.
The Belgian wishes for a neverending pint of beer, and POOF, the glass appears in his hand, and he takes a sip of the best beer he's ever had.
The genie allows him some time to drink before asking "And...

Bill Gates has now donated enough money to charity that he lost his billionaire status.

He now goes by Mill Gates.

What's a good source of Vietnamese renewable energy?

A Nguyen mill.

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe...

Most bizarre suicide.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sherlock and Watson go camping... (reposted from the intelligent jokes thread)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping in the woods one night during an investigation. As they lay out under the stars, Holmes asks Dr. Watson a question...

"Watson!" Holmes said imperiously. "Look at the stars and tell me what you can deduce." Watson sighed, recognizing one of Holmes' fr...

Warning: Dad humor following.

John was so proud of his son for being the first one from their town to ever go to college. At the mill John would brag, "My boy is the smartest this town has ever seen!"

The boy returned after his first semester from college. The town gathered amazed at the boy prodigy. "Go on, son, tell 'e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ballad of Big-Ass Lil, my Pops taught me when I was old enough. (7)

Grab your glass and get your seat,
And I'll tell you about Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete!

Now, Lil was the village queen,
The fuckinest whore you'd ever seen.
While some girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.
But when she fucked, she fucked for kee...

A cheerio named Tom

Alright this is a story about a cheerio named Tom. Tom was a good guy just your average run of the mill cheerio. He awoke one morning feeling pretty good about himself, he was gonna have a good day. He drank some milk and headed off to work. About half way to work he noticed a girl standing at the b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Top secret mission recruiting...

So the Joint Chiefs of Staff are searching for a soldier for a top secret mission, and they send out to the Army, Navy and Marines for their best soldiers to be considered for this mission.
So the Army sends it's best Ranger, he is pristine in his uniform, his chest covered with all his ribbons,...