Larry Jokes - 90 Hilarious Larry Jokes

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Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her hea...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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Larry got the new Secretary

**Garry:** Your New Secretary is very Sexy....

**Larry:** Thanks! she is actually a Robot, Named Doreen, if you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will Work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no de...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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Having had seriously bad breath for most of his adult life, Larry finally goes to see a Doctor about it.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday, Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit...

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Larry walks in on his friend stripping inside a barn….

“Barry what the hell are you doing”

“ well Larry, I went to a therapist and she said to do something sexy to a tractor “

I asked my friend Larry what he is doing for Christmas.

He said he was going to drink and be Larry.

Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

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Larry the horny Cockerel

Farmer goes to market to buy a cockerel to mate with his hens. At the market he sees one going very cheap. The previous owner is very happy to sell it. Back at the farm the cockerel (now named Larry) is set among the henhouse, the farmer goes to bed.
Larry Fucks most of the hens to death, jumps ...

Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it....

if it weren't for those medaling kids!

Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

Rest In Peace, Larry Tesler

r/jokes would be nowhere without you.

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

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Husband at the bar with Larry the ladies man .....

Husband asked Larry. "Man Larry how do you do it with the ladies to satisfy them everytime" Larry looks at the husband right in the eyes and said" want to know my secret? Right before your about to get down to business with your wife go in the bathroom grab your cock and slam it against the bathroom...

A man told his servant, "Call me a taxi, Larry"

The servant replied, "Sure sir, You're a taxi."

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

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Brown Paper Larry

A cowboy rides into town and sees a few guys working on a gallows. The cowboy dismounts and calls out, "Hey, sheriff, when's the hangin'?"

The sheriff says, "Saturday. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

"Larry, do you think I'm a terrible mother?"

"It's Tommy."

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.

Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?

*phone chimes*

Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...

Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

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Nsfw - Larry was sent to prison

Larry was sent to prison..... it was his first stretch and on his first night he is put in a cell and meets his new cell mate big baz.

Baz says to Larry *who looks extremely nervous*
“Is this your first time in?”
“Yes” replies Larry
“Ok since it’s your first night in we will play mum...

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Jesus is bored in heaven and decides to take a vacation to Earth

He thinks hitchhiking could be fun, so he disguises himself as an average looking American and flies down from heaven onto a highway in Nebraska. He sticks his thumb out and after a little while, an 18-wheeler pulls over to offer a ride. He climbs in the cab, tells the driver he's headed west and ...

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Larry doing the math

Larry was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” Larry answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teach...

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

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Larry decides to go see a doctor

He's been experiencing severe pain in his right elbow, so he thinks he should go see a doctor. He tells his best friend about his plan.

'Don't go to the doctor's, they don't know shit,' says his best friend. 'There's this new computer at the pharmacy on the corner of the street. You just have...

Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.

After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's w...

Tom and Larry go to the movies

Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd alr...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detecti...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

Lazy Larry walks into a bar...

At least, he *said* he would.

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Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Harry: How r u doing??

Larry: Fine.
Hey, do me a favor.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Harry goes upstairs & sees Larry's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Harr...

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John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

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A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

A man liked to draw pictures of his friend Barry and his other friend Larry.

Larry was annoyed because he Drew Barrymore.

Why did Larry and Curly apply for security clearance?

Because they were going to Gitmo

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Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers...

...but to send nudes

2 Tigers At The Bronx Zoo Are Talking

Fred: Hey did you hear what happened to Bob the Tiger?

Larry: Yea, COVID-19. Unbelievable! How could he get a human illness?

Fred: He had a zookeeper for dinner last week.

Larry: That's terrible.

Fred: It gets worse.

Larry: Bob ate a human who gave him Coronavirus,...

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week....

Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket

They put the left leg in....

And then the trouble started

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Bar Room Football

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks...

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Frank at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- "Larry the Hypnotist". Larry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every one of you, and all at the same time!" he said.
The excited chatter dropped to sile...

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

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Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

Everyone in 2020: this is the worst year ever, I can’t wait for 2021

January 2021: U.S. Capitol building attacked, Hank Aaron dead, Larry King dead

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

My friend Larry says he knows everyone...

During President Obama’s inauguration, Larry told me, "You know, Obama and I are buddies." said, "Sure you are." He said, "No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me." Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama w...

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

Job search

A company was hiring for a position and it came down to two guys , Joe and Larry. After the company put them in a room and had them take a written test, they were brought before the hiring manager to hear the decision. The manager said you both are extremely qualified and you scored identically on t...

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A man goes to the therapist and says...

"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"

Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....

discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, “I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.”

“Aww, that’s nothing,” says Irv. “I can remember this nice, dark room, and then...

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked T...

Frank's wife goes missing

Frank's wife goes missing and a week later he bumps into his friend Larry on the street. "Frank! How are you? You look a little worse for wear. Any news on your wife?"

"Hi Larry, I'm alright. They said I should be prepared for the worst."

"Oh god that's awful!" Larry sympathises.
...

A husband was dying

Larry was in his deathbed and his faithful wife, Jane, was beside him, witnessing her husband's last moments.

Larry looked at her and struggled to get his last words out.

"Jane, you were always with me in bad times: when I lost my entire fortune when the stocks crashed; when I had to a...

Can't cook

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, ...

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.

One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

What's the name of the reindeer that's directly behind Rudolf? You know the one, he's just as fast as Rudolf but can't stop as fast.

Larry the Brown Nosed Reindeer

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Four guys are hanging out

One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”

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Just A Little Lie

My uncle Larry, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hung onto Larry's arm and listened intently to his every word. His bu...

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Machigatta ana

Larry, a business man, makes a trip to japan to meet Mr. Tanaka, the boss of a big japanese company.

He arrives at night and is bored so he goes to a brothel. There he asks for the hottest girl they have and goes on to have sex with her. He takes her from behind and the girl is moaning like h...

A Grasshopper walks into a bar...

He sits down and the bartender looks at him and says: “Hey! Ya know, we have a drink named after you?!” The Grasshopper replies: “You have a drink named Larry?”

I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.”

Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

A husband's last request to his wife

*on my death bed*

Me: One thing I want you to do for me...

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

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Afterlife

Carl and larry are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Carl dies. Larry doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Carl. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s i...

A couple of guys were chatting over a beer.

"Hey Larry, going away on vacation again?"

“Yes, but you know how I've asked you the past 3 years for vacation ideas for me and my wife?"

“Sure, I remember.”

"I need to ask for something a little different this year.”

“Go ahead... ask me.”

"Well, you know how las...

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

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A man comes home really drunk

A man comes home really drunk, his wife has had enough of him this time and tells him that if he comes home in that state again she is leaving him. Anyway another week goes by and Friday comes round again, the man can't help himself he goes out and gets really drunk and pukes down his own shirt. He ...

My 34 year old son told me this one.

Son: What does Frosty the Snow Man use to go online?

Me: What?

Son: The Winternet!

Me: Get a job Larry.

What's a better term for the average Joe?

ReguLarry

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

A teacher gives his pre-K students a riddle.

Teacher: A train was moving in the East direction at a speed of 100 mph. Another train was moving in the opposite direction at 200 mph.
What is my age?

Student: 70

Teacher- Right Answer! How’d you figure out?

Student: I have an uncle named Larry. He is 35 years old and only ...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon after a 2 month cattle drive. . .

. . . and asks the barman for 2 shots of whiskey and a pretty prostitute.

"We ain't got no girls here," says the barman. "But if yer desperate enough, Pretty Larry is in the back alley."

"I ain't that desperate," says the cowboy.

A while later the cowboy returns from a 4 month c...

Halfwit Builders

Larry and Joe are nailing wood siding on a house.

Joe looks over at Larry and is shocked to see him picking the nails from his pouch, one by one, inspecting them, and throw them over his shoulder.

Joe yells, "hey Larry, what-in-the-hell are you doing throwing all those nails away for!...

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

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Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

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