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Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her hea...

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

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Larry the horny Cockerel

Farmer goes to market to buy a cockerel to mate with his hens. At the market he sees one going very cheap. The previous owner is very happy to sell it. Back at the farm the cockerel (now named Larry) is set among the henhouse, the farmer goes to bed.
Larry Fucks most of the hens to death, jumps ...

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

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Larry got the new Secretary

**Garry:** Your New Secretary is very Sexy....

**Larry:** Thanks! she is actually a Robot, Named Doreen, if you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will Work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no de...

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

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Nsfw - Larry was sent to prison

Larry was sent to prison..... it was his first stretch and on his first night he is put in a cell and meets his new cell mate big baz.

Baz says to Larry *who looks extremely nervous*
“Is this your first time in?”
“Yes” replies Larry
“Ok since it’s your first night in we will play mum...

Rest In Peace, Larry Tesler

r/jokes would be nowhere without you.

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

"Larry, do you think I'm a terrible mother?"

"It's Tommy."

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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A man goes to the therapist and says...

"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

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Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

**Bobbie:** East?

**Robbie:** No. Larry.

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A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

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Bar Room Football

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks...

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4 guys are hanging out together. Larry gets up and says “hey did you know 1 in 4 guys are gay”

John gets up and says, “I hope it’s chuck, he’s really cute”

Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.

Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?

*phone chimes*

Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...

Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.”

Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

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Brown Paper Larry

A cowboy rides into town and sees a few guys working on a gallows. The cowboy dismounts and calls out, "Hey, sheriff, when's the hangin'?"

The sheriff says, "Saturday. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"...

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it....

if it weren't for those medaling kids!

Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.

A teacher gives his pre-K students a riddle.

Teacher: A train was moving in the East direction at a speed of 100 mph. Another train was moving in the opposite direction at 200 mph.
What is my age?

Student: 70

Teacher- Right Answer! How’d you figure out?

Student: I have an uncle named Larry. He is 35 years old and only ...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing we...

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Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Larry has broken his leg & his buddy Harry comes over 2 see him.

Harry: How r u doing??

Larry: Fine.
Hey, do me a favor.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Harry goes upstairs & sees Larry's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Harr...

2 Tigers At The Bronx Zoo Are Talking

Fred: Hey did you hear what happened to Bob the Tiger?

Larry: Yea, COVID-19. Unbelievable! How could he get a human illness?

Fred: He had a zookeeper for dinner last week.

Larry: That's terrible.

Fred: It gets worse.

Larry: Bob ate a human who gave him Coronavirus,...

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

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Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

Earl and Larry are out hunting one day...

They are tracking an elk and after a while, Larry, looks up and says, "Earl, do you know where we are?"


"No idea," said Earl, " but I know what to do. If we shoot into the air three times, someone will hear it and come save us. "

With nothing to lose, they shot into the air three t...

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

Why did Larry and Curly apply for security clearance?

Because they were going to Gitmo

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Patient walks into the doctors office

Patient walks into a doctor’s private office and sees that the doctor has a worried look on his face. The patient asks with a nervous smile “what’s wrong doc, what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor looks at him and asks “can you tell me if your family has any history of Alzheimer’s or dementia”
...

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A man goes to court to legally change his name.

Judge: “It says here that you want to change your name. What is your name, young man?”

“Donald J. Shit,” says the man.

Judge: “Well, I can certainly see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?”

“Larry Shit.”

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Larry decides to go see a doctor

He's been experiencing severe pain in his right elbow, so he thinks he should go see a doctor. He tells his best friend about his plan.

'Don't go to the doctor's, they don't know shit,' says his best friend. 'There's this new computer at the pharmacy on the corner of the street. You just have...

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Larry doing the math

Larry was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” Larry answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teach...

Tom and Larry go to the movies

Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd alr...

A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.

The doorbell rings and the first date is there.

"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"

The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.

"Good evening, sir. My na...

Coach Larry

There wasn't anywhere in Florida you could go without hearing about how great a football coach Larry was. And he was, no doubt, one of the greatest, most respected coaches of the University of Florida.

On the first day of training, he decided to take the Freshman on a run to prepare and inspi...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said,
'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standi...

What's the name of the reindeer that's directly behind Rudolf? You know the one, he's just as fast as Rudolf but can't stop as fast.

Larry the Brown Nosed Reindeer

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detecti...

Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week....

Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket

They put the left leg in....

And then the trouble started

Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.

After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's w...

Lazy Larry walks into a bar...

At least, he *said* he would.

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

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John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

My 34 year old son told me this one.

Son: What does Frosty the Snow Man use to go online?

Me: What?

Son: The Winternet!

Me: Get a job Larry.

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

I didnt do it!

It had been a long day in court & Larry was trying to get George to confess.
Larry: Admit it! You followed her home. Then, as she turned a corner, you stabbed her.

George: i didn't do it. I'm innocent.

Larry: Don't lie to me. Prints of your shoes were found in her garden.
...

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

I'm sensational when it comes to remembering names.

But every Tom, Rick and Larry knows that.

A Grasshopper walks into a bar...

He sits down and the bartender looks at him and says: “Hey! Ya know, we have a drink named after you?!” The Grasshopper replies: “You have a drink named Larry?”

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A guy goes in to work and his whole hand is shattered.

His boss looks at him and says “My goodness! What did you do?”

“I fist bumped my buddy on Saturday.” The man replied.

The boss looked at him and asked “Who’s your buddy? The Hulk?”

To which the man explained, “No his name is Larry but he was driving past me when we did it.”

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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Frank at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- "Larry the Hypnotist". Larry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every one of you, and all at the same time!" he said.
The excited chatter dropped to sile...

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Jesus is bored in heaven and decides to take a vacation to Earth

He thinks hitchhiking could be fun, so he disguises himself as an average looking American and flies down from heaven onto a highway in Nebraska. He sticks his thumb out and after a little while, an 18-wheeler pulls over to offer a ride. He climbs in the cab, tells the driver he's headed west and ...

TIL

Larry Birkhead actually procreated with Anna Nicole Smith, wasn’t just a random Birkenstock enthusiast.

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

The brothel parrot

A woman had been a housewife for years and was tired of her quiet, lonely days. So she decided to buy a talking parrot. Excitedly, she went down to the pet store and made her case to the owner.

"Well..." said the storekeep slowly. "I do have a parrot that talks, and he's really clever... It's...

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

With all the sadness and trauma

going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost un-noticed.



Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully on 11 April 2016 aged 83.



The most traumatic part for his family was get...

My friend Larry says he knows everyone...

During President Obama’s inauguration, Larry told me, "You know, Obama and I are buddies." said, "Sure you are." He said, "No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me." Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama w...

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

What's a better term for the average Joe?

ReguLarry

Can't cook

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, ...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

One day a travelling salesman was driving around Appalachia and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse.

After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"

"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Cletus........."

"Oh?" said the salesman, i...

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Machigatta ana

Larry, a business man, makes a trip to japan to meet Mr. Tanaka, the boss of a big japanese company.

He arrives at night and is bored so he goes to a brothel. There he asks for the hottest girl they have and goes on to have sex with her. He takes her from behind and the girl is moaning like h...

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A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

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