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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

Why are there no Reverend Jim Jones jokes?

The punchlines are too long.

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says

John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well cont...

Little known fact, in the 70s, Jim Morrison was originally the head of Microsoft. But after a few years, he was fired and replaced by Bill Gates.

Apparently, he made better Doors than Windows.

92 year old Jim takes his pet duck to the vet.

Vet says, Hello Jim good to see you again, what's in the box?
Jim says it's my pet duck Bob. I accidentally hit him with the lawnmower.
Vet opens the box only to see the severed head of Jim's wife bearing all of the signs you would expect from a horrible lawnmower death. He closes the box and ...

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

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At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”

The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

Jim Jones was a knockout champion.

He knocked out 918 people with one punch!

Legendary composer Jim Steinman has died at the age of 73...

One of his biggest hits was "Dead Ringer for Love" a duet by Meat Loaf and Cher. Making the video for the song took weeks, as Cher's working hours were strictly regulated due to most of her being under 18

My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated

I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John

So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"

Have you guys heard about this remake of the old Jim Carrey/Renee Zellwegger movie, but starring mumble rappers?

It's called "Me, Myself, and My lean."

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your sec...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had money between them.

Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.
They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did ex...

Jim goes into a bar, and see there's only two people there...

the bartender, and a really short man playing the piano. He asks why there's a short man playing the piano, and the bartender says "a few years ago I made a wish with a genie who lives behind my bar. Go and have a word with him".

So Jim goes into the alleyway behind the bar and sees the genie...

What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?

I'll writey then!



My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]

My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory

So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.

“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”

“Ahhhh...um....hmmm” he took a second,

“Hmmmm...hold on let me think ermmmm.....it’s....daisy? No that’s not it....it’s ...

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he i...

Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

A dad and his son get into a big argument one day

DAD: Go to your room right now

SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN’T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST

DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors!

Hey boss, we’re getting married

Jim: “My girlfriend and I are getting married on 9/16”

Todd:”No way! I’m also getting married that day, we should go tell the manager to request our days off while he’s here”

The two colleagues walked to their manager’s office together to request their days off.

“Hey boss, we’r...

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

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Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.

Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"

The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."

Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to hi...

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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Jim Bob stays out too late

Jim Bob stays out drinking.

Jim Bob went to a bar after work and time got away from him. He stayed out too late and began to panic because his wife was going to be furious. Jim Bob became so nervous he vomited all over his shirt.

“Oh No! I’ve really done it now!” Jim Bob exclaimed in ...

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

I named my toilet "Jim" today

That way it sounds a lot better when I go to the Jim each morning

Jim, Scott, and Alex check into a hotel.

Jim, scott,and Alex check into a hotel and find out they’ll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs because the elevator is broken. To pass time while they walk, Jim decides he’ll tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 10 flights, Scott sings songs for...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

To play it safe I got all 3 shots this weekend

A shot of Crown Royal, a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Jack Daniels.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Jim was out shopping with his young daughter and ran into an old college classmate.

"This is Beth," Jim said proudly, introducing his kid.

"And what's Beth short for?" The friend asked.

Puzzled, he replied,"Because she's only three!”

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

Jim wants to sell his car and consults his friend Tommy.

Jim’s car is getting old so he’s decided to put it up for sale but consults his friend Tommy before making the advert.

Tommy asks him, “How many miles are on your car Jim?”.

“132,000, she’s getting old” he says.

Tommy looked shocked as he wanted his friend to get some money bac...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

Jim walked into a bar......

Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings ...

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

What do you call Jim from The Office rolling down a hill?

A tuna roll

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and...

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that either,” ...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

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Poor Stanley!

Stanley died in a fire accident and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Jim and Allen. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Jim arrived first...

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I saw my friend Jim at the bar the other week looking almost exactly like Brad Pitt.

I came up to him and said.

"Jim! How'd you end up looking like that pal? Who's your surgeon?"

"No surgeon man, a wizard. He told me of this enchanted pool past the three mountains to the east. You will see a cliff with a pool underneath, jump off the cliff and shout what you want to l...

Parenting is stressful! Parenting is a sacrifice, it’s exhausting, it’s expensive and at times it feels thankless but….

Eventually you die! -Jim Gaffigan

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Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

A woman calls her mother and says: "Mom, I've got a new boyfriend. His name is Jim and he's a postman in your neighbourhood."

- Jim? But he could be your father!

- Yes, he is a bit old, but age is just a number!

- Darling, I don't think you understand what I mean...

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Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes. He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes. The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3". She picked correctly. Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embrace...

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee.

He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the o...

Dave and Jim are golfing.

Ahead of them are two women. They're not bad, but not playing as fast as the two men, just enjoying the day.

Dave says, "Go up there and ask if we can play through."

Jim climbs a rise to the next tee, then immediately runs back. "I can't talk to them! One of them is my wife and the ...

Slim Jim

Is just a short form for

Slimothy Jimothy.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by...

Jack and Jim are busy stocking the aisles at Sams Club...

They're stacking pallets of Lipton's. They're about to put the last pallet on top when the forklift breaks down.
"Oh NO!", Jim exclaims, "How will we get this last pallet on top without killing ourselves?"
"Don't Worry", says Jack," just go pick up one of those disposable Bic's on the sh...

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Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm tired of going through life without a real education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes."

Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic clas...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been goi...

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women sha...

Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997?

He was all righty then.

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My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight." Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"

"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the...

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."



So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the firs...

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So a horse walks into a bar...

The bartender goes "why the long face?"

Then the horse goes "Jim what the fuck we've been over this"

*I'm way too proud of that joke*

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Jim walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"

Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"

Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
...

I would tell a Jim Jones joke...

But the punchline is too long.

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Jim and a little girl are playing. Jim pulls down his shorts and says,

"I have one of these and you dont." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Jim and the girl are playing together again. Once again Jim points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you dont." But this time the little girl just keeps on pl...

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Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he’s on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, l...

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

My brother in law’s name is Jim Titleist

Perhaps you’ve played with his balls

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

Arnold's is long , Jim Carry's short Madona doesn't have one and the pope has but doesn't use it?

Surname...

Why did Jim buy his friend a space heater?

It was a housewarming gift!

The Dr. gave Jim a call and said, “Hey Jim, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“The good news - You have 24 hours left to live.”

“Oh my gosh, doc, what could possibly be the *bad* news!?”

The doctor replied, “I forgot to call you last night.”

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

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Todd comes into work one morning just grinning, and struts straight over to his coworker Jim.

"Damn, man! You know that new secretary, Tiffany? I banged her last night, and I gotta tell you! She was so hot in bed, she was even better than my wife!"

Jim high-fives him and they head off to work.

A few days later, Jim comes strutting in, grinning, and walks straight over to Todd.<...

Jim finds a genie in a lamp

The genie says "you have three wishes to make"

Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"

The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"

Rich says "I want lots of money"

Kermit the Frog has been really rude ever since Jim Henson’s death.

He doesn’t talk to anyone.

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So there's these two friends named Bill and Jim.

Jim has Chihuahua and Bill has a German Shepherd. These two guys go for a walk with their dogs every Saturday evening. One Saturday, as they were passing a popular bar, Bill asked Jim if he wanted to go get a drink.

Jim replied, "Um Bill we have dogs lol we can't go in there fam."

To t...

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Jim, Jeff and Joe are having a few beers at the local watering hole....

and seeing as their wives aren't around to tell the REAL truth, they start talking about what happens when they get in an argument.


"Well, when Jessica and I get in an argument about what to watch on TV, I tell her I bought the damn TV so I get to pick what we watch and when we watch it...

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Jim has just been released from prison

Jim has just been released from prison after doing ten years for mugging old ladies. He makes his way into town, horny as hell from ten years without sex, but he only has five dollars on him. He goes into a brothel and tells the madame his situation. "Five dollars? "says the madame, "well that won't...

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

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