UPJOKE
starvedthirstyeatfamishedravenouspeckishemotionhungerappetitefoodemptydevoursharp-setempty-belliedesurient

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

Have you ever eaten something even though you weren’t hungry?

On another note, I lost my job as a Gynecologist today…

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What's the difference between being hungry & being horny?

Where you put the cucumber...

They say don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry...

But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

What do you call someone who is neither hungry or full?

Non-Dine-ary

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A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back four seconds

Do you know what 50 cent did when he got hungry?

58

Hungry enough to eat a horse?

Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought,

I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?

German Joke from the 1910's

My grandfather told me this joke in the 1960's, when I was a kid. He had heard it when he was a kid in the 1910's (he was born in 1904), in Hungary:

Some boys were walking to school in the morning, and on the way they passed a plum tree. There were plums all over the ground under the tree, s...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

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Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being horny?

# Depends on where you put the cucumber.



My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

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Are you hungry, statue?

While in bed with her lover, the woman suddenly heard her husband at the front door. “Quick,” she whispered. “Sprinkle this flour over you and pretend that you’re a statue.”
“Hi, honey. What’s this?” Her husband asked as he entered the bedroom.
“It’s our new statue,” she explained. “The Smiths...

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head monk calls him i...

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

(EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

its stupid to say you're going to feed the hungry

who else would you feed

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped in the woods. Finally, the trio realize they are lost and decide to hunker down and make camp. They're hungry and decide to hunt.

The brunette goes first and comes back with a rabbit. The blonde and redhead are impressed.

"How'd you do that?" they ask.

"Simple," replies the brunette. "Found tracks, followed tracks, got a rabbit."

It's the redhead's turn next, and she ventures out and comes back with a moos...

A man is halfway through eating a horse.

He says, "You know, I'm not as hungry as I thought I'd be."

Why do teachers keep an apple on their desk?

Because they are poor and hungry.

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So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

What did Mario Kart do when it got hungry?

Mario Kart 8

Why will you never go hungry in the desert?

Because of the sand, which is there.

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Three leaders of the free world and Putin walk into a inn looking for a hot bowl of stew

Biden, Macron, Zelenskyy, and Putin walk into a inn hungry for a bowl of hot bowl of stew. The innkeeper apologizes, saying that the last bowl went to the woman in the corner with her baby.

They think they can get it off of her.

So Macron walks up to her and says, "Bonjour Madame, I...

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

The Politician, the Oil Baron and the Pilot

A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset.

When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an...

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[Old Joke] Three explorers are lost in the desert and have run out of food....

Just when they're on the verge of giving up, though, they come across a freshly-dead camel.

"Thank goodness for that!" the first one exclaims. "We can eat this camel!"

"How should we divide it up?" asks the second.

"Well," the first one says, "I'm a Liverpool supporter, so I'll ...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

The Russians were hungry

SoVeeAte

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A hungry bear was chasing a rabbit through a forrest...

... when they stumbled across a magical frog. For finding him, he awarded the bear and the rabbit 3 wishes each. The bear asserted dominance and demanded the first wish, the rabbit abliged. The bear proudly wished that every other bear in the forrest were female. The rabbit wished for a helmet. For...

I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!

But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.

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Drug use?

A monster was feeling kind of hungry and he knew that they served food at the local bar. He walks into the bar and sees a couple girls sitting at the bar. He walks up and gobbles one of the girls down. The other girl who was a cop, pulls out a badge and says, "You're under arrest for murder and drug...

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New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

A man is admitted to the hospital with an unknown, highly contagious disease.

Unable to figure out what it is, the doctors quarantine him until they can figure out what it.

At meal time, the man receives a piece of naan bread under the door. He thought that was strange, but nonetheless at it, as he was quite hungry.

At supper, a waffle is slid under the door. Ag...

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

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Little Johnny was bathing with his mother

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Johnny, those are my breasts,”

As she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?”

She replies “Johnny, that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he s...

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

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Cinderella Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day had arrived. This particular family had fallen on hard times and had no hope for better. For their Thanksgiving dinner all they had was a slice of bread each and a small glass of tea. But they had each other, even if they were hungry. Suddenly in a poof of smoke a small , chubby li...

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In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

What animal is always hungry, and laughing?

A high-ena

When a fetus is hungry, what does it do?

It orders womb service.

A Christian missionary walks through the savannah when he suddenly encounters two lions.

The two lions seem to be hungry, so the missionary does the thing he knows best. He kneels down and prays: "Please god make faithful Christians out of these lions."

He looks up and witnesses the two lions lying on the floor with folded paws speaking:

"God is great!

God is good!...

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

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A vacuum salesman knocked on my door this morning

When I opened my door, before I could even talk to him, he dumped a bucket of dog shit on my carpet

He then said “if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t clean your carpet within 2 minutes, I will personally eat whatever’s left of the shit

To which I replied “well you better be hungry because m...

There are three men walking in the desert

The first man is carrying a glass of water. The other two men asked him why?

The man replied “if we get thirsty, we can drink it.

The second man is carrying a bowl of rice. The other two men ask why.

The man replied “if we get hungry, we can eat it.”

The third man is car...

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On my way home from work, my asian girlfriend said she wanted to have sex with me so badly, but I was super hungry and in the mood for pho...

...it was a Nguyen Nguyen situation

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

Teach a man to fish and he'll never be hungry.

Teach a fish to man and he'll wonder why he can't climb a tree.

Yeah, I like NFTs...

Nachos,


Fajitas &


Tacos

Little Johnny and the waitress

Little Johnny: I'm not very hungry, any simple dish?


Waitress: Maybe the chicken strips for $6.99?


Little Johnny: Maybe it does but that won't help with my hunger.

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

Hungry cowboy

Why was the southeastern cowboy always hungry at night?

'Cause his mama always said "no tex'n at the dinner table"

What did the rock-eating scientist say when he wasn’t hungry?

I’ve lost my apatite.

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When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

What do you call a horde of hungry women?

Faminism.

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A wise woman was once asked "What's the difference between hungry and horny?"

She replied "Depends on where I put my carrot".

Source: Sunny Leonne, the goddess.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.

The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.
Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--...

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you?

You need a better education.

Carrots are a great thing to eat

when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

peaches vs peas

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked h...

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

An old man is on his deathbed, surrounded by his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. "Let me tell you a secret," he says.

"When I was a young lad, I lived life to the fullest. I had four or five girlfriends, drank gallons of beer every day, and owned a very expensive car. Then my friend suggested I should start a family. Otherwise, he said, no one would be there to bring me food when I was on my deathbed.

"So I ...

A fantasy joke

A dwarf rides up to a brothel on the back of a donkey holding a honeycomb wrapped in oilskin. He walks up to the madam.

"My good woman, I've been alone on the road for weeks. I would trade you this donkey," he said, gesturing at the beast he rode in on, "For a room and a woman, and this honey...

When I was young I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions....

Me: Grandpa, why does is it rain ?

Grandpa: Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty.

Me: Also why do animals die ?

Grandpa: Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think thats it for today?

Me: One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school t...

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

Three men in a desert...

One is carrying a loaf of bread, one has a bottle of wine, and one has a car door. the first man comes upon a magic rock that says "if you answer my question to my satisfaction, I will let you pass!" man #1 says ok. "why do you carry that loaf of bread in the desert?"asked the rock. "well" said man1...

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

2 people were walking through the woods, and one of them was really hungry.

He pointed at a tree and said, "Look, a bacon tree!" He ran towards it, and immediately got hit by 3 rocks in the chest, legs and hip.

The other person said,

"That wasn't a bacon tree, that was a ham bush."

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Defining piracy

If i have fish and you are hungry and I offer you my fish - That's generosity...
If i have fish and you are hungry and you eat it without my permission - That's stealing..
If i have fish and 5000 of you are hungry and i make 5000 copies of the fish and all of us eat contently - I am fukin Jes...

When we were visiting the hoover dam. I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents,

“Wheres the dam snack bar?”

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the meat.

Also.....


What's similar between dildo and sushi?

Both are meat substitutes.


K imma go, this has been too meaty.

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

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