UPJOKE
flatmattemattedmatdullchrisandersonderekstevebrandonbradalexbrettkellyrobinson

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

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My friend went to the doctors worrying that he had caught the Coronavirus from his complete collection of Matt Groening animation figures.

Luckily his diagnosis was negative, despite having all the Simpsons.

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

What’s the difference between Wanda Maximoff and Matt Murdoch?

Matt knows how to cope without vision.

Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

On mobile, sorry for fourmatting.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz?

Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he’s crucified

What do you call a guy who has no arms, no legs, and is stuck in front of a door?

Matt

Since we’re doing little Jonny jokes

Catholic school teacher asks the class, “Children, what part of your body do you think enters heaven first?”.

Mary stands up and says “Your head, because it’s the top of your body.”.

“Very good logic Mary, anyone else?”

Matt stands up, “Your hands, because they are what we use...

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

2 friends meet each other. Matt is afraid, while Lycas is wet.

Lucas says: "Why are you scared?". Then Matt replies: "Yesterday, I was driving my car and accidentally I hit deer. I tought it was dead, so I thrown it in a nearby lake. By the way, why are you wet?". Lucas replies: "I was going to a costume party, dressed like a deer. Then someone hit me, and then...

Collecting Name Jokes

I know there are a whole bunch of these but I only remember a few, please post any you think of!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...

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I think Matt Hancock misunderstood the meaning...

Of "Eat Out to Help Out".

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Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

A man is driving down an old dirt road

As he is driving he notices there are very few houses nearby, as he is enjoying the scenery he runs his car over into the ditch. As it had recently rained the ditch was slick and muddy and he had found himself stuck. He realizes his predicament so he starts walking. He walks up to a house and see's ...

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"

Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"

Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

What does Johnny Depp, Dave Pirner and Matt Damon have in common?

They were all Winona Riders.

What do you call a guy who's laying down in front of a door?...Matt. What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?... Bob. What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?...Art. What do you call a gal who you owe money to that you set on fire?...

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..BERNADETTE!!!!!!

If Matt Groening wanted to announce he wanted to do an Ask Me Anything...

Would he say Future-AMA?

Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

A pickup line for people named Matt.

"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)

I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer matts

Prophets are going through the roof

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Little Matt is doing his math homework ...

Little Matt is doing his math homework, with his dad watching the news, not far away in the living room. “2 plus 3, the son of bitch is 5”. His dad thinks he misheard, so he doesn’t say anything. His son, very applied, goes on with his questions sheet. “4 plus 5, the son of bitch is 9”.

His ...

What do you call a movie about Matt Damon haunting a carpet store?

The Mat Demon

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.

Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

*Infinity War Spoilers* What do Matt Murdock and Scarlet Witch have in common?

.
.
.
.
.
.
They both lost their Vision

I guess the reason they could never find Matt Lauer is because...

there are no cameras in the girls locker rooms.

What do Matt Lauer and Santa have in common?

They both only come when you are asleep.

A man's girlfriend got mad at him and locked him out of his apartment.

He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh,...

What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes?

Goodwill Hunting

Why can't Matt Damon find work?

Because he was Bourne yesterday.

Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day.

His name was Matt

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Donating

A woman (Tiffany) has fallen on hard times lately. She sees an ad online stating this company will buy her eggs for $200 a pop.

She goes to the building and gets in the elevator and presses the button for the 2nd floor. A man gets on and presses "5." The woman recognizes him as a friend from ...

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Wal- Matt

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

A beer matt walks into a bar..

Drinks are on me!

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A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call him, he isn’t coming.

Matt Damon's movie "The Great Wall", has had it's release date postponed...

Seems the Mexicans haven't paid for it yet.

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What do you call a person with no arms and no legs...

At your front door? Matt.

Under a pile of leaves? Russell.

In your mailbox? Bill.

Hanging on a wall? Art.

In the middle of the ocean? Fucked. (Also Bob).

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

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Johnny

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"T...

a guy thing..

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I
was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in
between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course, I che...

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

John and Manfred were sitting at a bar when they both saw a man walk in...

After the man entered a huge crowd stormed into the bar, causing the man down on to the floor and trampling him as they walked in.

John, thinking the situation was a good time for a joke said to Manfred: “What do you call a man that lets people walk all over him?”

Manfred was appalled ...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

What do you call a communist dog?

Karl Barx

Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

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The Chocolate House

One day, Dave had met up with one of his oldest friends Matt, who had just returned from his vacation in Belgium.

They discussed the trip, and what Matt had done in Belgium.

"I did quite a lot but the most interesting experience I had was visiting the house of chocolates. It may not h...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

That same guy in your pool? Bob

Same guy in your hot tub? Stew

Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack

Same guy on your porch? Matt

Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer

Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel

What do you...

So this guy enters a bar and asks for three pints of beer

G: Guy BK:Barkeeper

G: "Good evening, I'll have 3 pints of beer please"

BK: "Hello sir, absolutely, expecting some company?"

G: "Actually, I'm drinking three pints of beer in the name of my two brothers that lost their lives in the war, so it's one for me, one for Matt and one ...

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Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

Don't walk on the little blue flowers

Brad, Matt and Tom died and went to Heaven. At the big gate, an angel greets them.

"Hello and welcome to Heaven. There is a rule here. For the first week, you will have a test. Do you see these little blue flowers everywhere? Well God really likes them and stepping on one is an offence. So, f...

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

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